so-litudinal - Tumblr blog

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my eyes fell on my copy of cioran's la tentation d'exister (big fat lie) and, y'know, it's probably not a good idea. though i did say i wanted to start reading again so maybe..... y'know

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thought i saw a grey hair in the mirror, turns out it just looked like that because i used too much hair spray. i think....i hope. (i'll die)

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I could do it—wait until

I only have one eye left to cry

wait and say—"let's go see the sky one more time"

I could do it with a thank you as goodbye

whether or not I mean it, I could, maybe

—but

"I'll head out first"—maybe if I think of it that way—maybe maybe maybe

maybe—surely—without a doubt

I won't remember a thing about it

I won't have to remember

a thing

"I'll head out first, okay?"—surely thinking of it that way

—asking—not calling it a choice

makes me a bit of a monster

(even then I know—even then I can't forget

there's humanity in everything—and I hate it)

I'm sorry

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"I'll head out first"—maybe if I think of it that way—maybe maybe maybe

maybe—surely—without a doubt

I won't remember a thing about it

I won't have to remember

a thing

"I'll head out first, okay?"—surely thinking of it that way

—asking—not calling it a choice

makes me a bit of a monster

(even then I know—even then I can't forget

there's humanity in everything—and I hate it)

I'm sorry

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hung up on every other detail just so I can keep on ignoring the bigger picture—being at once in front and all around—a little while longer

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longe eg why so funny

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I don't remember when these were taken—march most likely—I could just check my camera roll, don't feel like it. Maya was still alive, my nails were still that long (except on my middle finger, cuz I still haven't fixed that split that keeps coming back). what I remember is wanting to add more pictures and write something—like how I'd asked the chickens to give me eggs and the day after, they laid not one, but two! another post that ended up in the limbo of my drafts.

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it never quite occurred to me that if there was something I wanted to do, I could just—do it. I think, somehow, I've always treated life like a dream—something that passes me by.

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I should've done something

—just thinking that... I'm the worst

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what is it about the random confidence boost when you're at the grocery store

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i wonder if it's ever asked enough—or even at all—what the other name should be

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just woke up from a nap with paimon sleeping in my hand. i would've never thought i would one day be lucky enough to sleep while holding a bird in my hand. it's like a dream.

it's been about two years since she arrived. it took a while for us to bond cuz it was a weird time overall. ginger had died less than two months prior and as much as i hate to admit it, getting a new pet so soon after was just my way of trying to not quite fill the void but definitely run away from the pain. it didn't take long between the time i reached out to a breeder in france and then got her, so i didn't have much time to prepare, both materially and mentally. and i remember feeling regret build up even during the adoption process. "i should've waited." (and yeah maybe i should have, but it doesn't matter now, cuz adopting her is one of the very, very few decisions i don't regret making over this past decade.)

in the meantime, there was that pigeon who appeared out of nowhere one day and knocked on the kitchen door. it stuck around for a few weeks. i would take care of it every day, to the point that it started jumping on my lap to eat seeds out of my hand. i felt guilty about taking in a new pet and having less time to spend with the pigeon, but it eventually flew away one day and never came back. i think about it often, i hope it's okay now, wherever it is.

paimon went through her very first molt right around the time she arrived (that when her plumage changed colours), so she was very skittish and anxious. it was a stressful time.

then junko got sick and i spent most of my time with her during that summer. during the last couple of days in particular, i took junko in my room, so i couldn't let paimon out of her tiny transport as often as she needed. (i did it anyway and i remember junko perking up from her place in the bed when paimon flew right past her, even though she was at her weakest by then.)

so yeah, it took a while. but now she really is the joy of my life. every single day, even when i'm at my lowest—which is kind of always lol—, i'm amazed that she's here, waiting every morning for me to open the door of her cage. truly a dream.

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pink tulips. joy of my life.

woke up in tears, stuffy nose and all.

saw a heron for the first time this year.

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"j'ai besoin d'air"—je dis, en restant cloîtrée dans la salle-de-bains

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even the quietness in me feels inadequate now. maybe what I lack is a certain level—a specific brand of emptiness.

I sure do miss it, that emptiness.

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I had the dumbest thought last night, in the middle of the night—or maybe it was the night before. honestly, I don't know which night it was. I thought, "I wish I would at least suffer like an adult." and really, really, I should be ashamed to think that way when I'm about to—well, whatever.