soapberrysheriff

[soapberrysheriff]

It always embarassed [him] when civilians tried to speak to him in what they thought was ‘policeman’. If it came to that, he hated to think of them as ‘civilians’. What was a policeman, if not a civilian with a uniform and a badge? But they tended to use the word these days as a way of describing people who were not policemen. It was a dangerous habit. Once policemen stopped being civilians, the only other thing they could be was soldiers.

(x)

[soapberrysheriff]

Sheriff Pettaline made a special appearance on local community cable show “Soapberry Boingy Boingy” this morning, talking with host fairy Pillsbury Blossom about the local fauna!

[soapberrysheriff]

"I know there's a patch full of pumpkins who spout warnings and conspiracy theories," Freddie said, lacing his fingers through Ephram's, "The bloke who sold me the cider was telling me about it - but I'm not sure about the happily supportive sort. I'm not sure if there's much of a market for those kind - I mean, it might be a lot harder to dispose of them in that case..."

Essie shakes her head prodding a fast talking pumpkin with her toe. "No point getting a friendly pumpkin, it's supposed to be spooky. Insults are maybe a little too much but warnings might be fun, maybe we can find one for the department that yells to drive safe, and to not do crime." she then snorts at herself. "I mean more specific crime and not just 'crime' in general."

Ephram guffawed. "I dunno, 'don't do crime' sounds like a pretty dang good soundbite for the Department! Short and snappy." He reached out to pluck at Essie's sleeve. "Come with us and check out the warning punkins! If they got itty bitty ones we can pick up a bunch for everbody's desks."

[soapberrysheriff]

[BULLETIN] A Bird on the Hand

It’s October and that means the Pifflewings are migrating to the equator for the duration of the cold season. Please be advised that Pifflewings may alight on anything that looks like grass and huddle down to recoup their energy before continuing their flight; if presented with living flesh during these rests they will attempt to eat the aforementioned flesh creature whole.

PICTURED ABOVE: the Sheriff finding this out for himself after not believing the Pifflewing Admiration Society’s circular (entitled “From A Distance”)

[soapberrysheriff]

springysnaps: herculaneum too

mushmellon:

No better folks to accidentally blip into a cataclysmic Pompeii-style pocket world with than these two lava atronachs! I lucked out big time. Plus they invited me back to their beach bbq after and let me gorge on grilled Spam and halloumi.

48m ago                           36 replies

[soapberrysheriff]

A BUDDY SYSTEM is advised to be put into place town wide. 

Due to the appearance of the pocket-worlds it is crucial that townsfolk stay alert and prepared. 

 It is advised that:

No persons should traverse the town alone. 

Travel should be done in a group of two or more. 

People under the age of 18 should be accompanied by one adult per child. 

Appropriate preparations should be carried out prior to leaving your home.

Appropriate thought and care must go into any excursion for your own safety and that of others.

If you require a partner for the BUDDY SYSTEM, please contact the SBSD and one will be dispatched to you.

- Essie Caird, Civilian Administrator

[soapberrysheriff]

Looking for an exciting new career? Yes, even part-time!!

The SBSD is always searching for go-getters to join our squad -- and you don’t even have to commit to a full-time position. We understand that people have multiple commitments and may not want law enforcement to be their whole life, but still want to be involved in making their community a safer, better place. 

Here’s a couple of the openings we have:

Deputy: the “beat cops” of the squad, deputies can handle a specific territory, or a particular task (public talks, eyewitness statements, requested police presence, etc).

Civilian Clerks: provide relief to the Civilian Administrator, handle dispatch/switchboard, do graphic design and publication.

OSHA: right now the Sheriff is handling Occupational Safety and Health, and boy is he mediocre at it. If you’ve got experience with wellness and ergonomics and anything in that area, please get in touch.

THIS SPACE FREE: the SBSD is a malleable organization and has room in it for created positions. If you have an idea for some niche you could be filling, come on in and brainstorm with Sheriff Pettaline about it! 

[soapberrysheriff]

[BULLETIN] Black Mold Notes

The SBSD has been alerted as to the appearances of messages spelled out in black mold in the houses of Soapberry residents.

We ask that you continue to call in to the station to leave the details as to your messages with our Civilian Administrator, Essie Caird (the contents of the note, location of its appearance, your interactions with the mold) so that we can compile the information as it comes in.

The Department is working on the cause of this mold and what it means. So far, it does not seem physically harmful, and there are indications that it may be tied in to the recent appearance of ghosts in the town. Please remain vigilant; updates will be made on our Twitter feed, @soapycops (also viewable on our website).

[soapberrysheriff]

[BULLETIN] U-Pick, U-Problem

The u-pick berry farm at the east end of Dragonsnap Drive is under investigation for reports that its ‘strawbebbies’ are actually a strain of semi-conscious sugary radish. These strawbebbies are indeed edible but will cause those who consume them to compulsively dig holes in the ground into which they defecate tubes of odourless radish pulp. Strawbebbies that are not consumed within fifteen minutes of being harvested will either begin to speak (they generally have a vocabulary of three words maximum and distressingly harsh voices) or melt into harmless reddish water.

ALL SPECIES other than atronachs are strongly urged not to attempt to pick/consume/interact with strawbebbies. Atronachs are directed towards the Stony Plain Foodways Circle for tips on preservation and cooking, as strawbebbies make a delicious jam for that species.

[soapberrysheriff]

sbsd services: lost and found

Misplaced something while you were out and about in Soapberry? There’s a chance it ended up in the Sheriff Department’s vast Lost & Found store room!

Packed to the brim with items that are magical, enchanted, sentimental, strange, or just plain mundane -- the Lost & Found might just be where your missing item ended up.

Contact @alessafalling, our Civilian Administrator, to take a look-see and maybe be reunited with what’s missing in your life!

[soapberrysheriff]

not the brightest bulb

Got a call yesterday from The Token Arcade to come resolve a situation concerning an allium nymph who thought the claw toy game was rigged and retaliated in her ‘own particular idiom’, as sweet Concorde would say.

If anybody’s wondering where we got the base ingredient for those fantastic onion rings we served at the SBSD 4th of July bbq, wonder no further!

[soapberrysheriff]

Happy 4th of July!

To celebrate, we just got in new desks at the Department, more ergonomic for our various species of employees. Hey, good work health is exciting for us! 

We’ll also be having a beach barbecue down at Maamoul Park; everybody’s welcome to stop by, even if you’re not part of the Sheriff Department. Food will be provided by See You Cater Alligator, music by whatever member of the Department is tipsy enough to grab a guitar, and entertainment by a vampire vaudeville troupe who owes community service. 

Plus once it gets dark enough, all the witches in attendance will be organizing a ‘fireworks’ display that will result in souvenir gem-bead necklaces for all! (Be warned, those with softer dispositions should not stand too close to the fireworks because the gem-bead necklaces can sting like the dickens when they rain down.)

[soapberrysheriff]

So now you’re in the Sheriff Department!

Here’s a few basic guidelines:

Everything you know about Outworld law enforcement? Forget it! We don’t use the same terminology, classifications, or procedures except in the broadest sense; the Commish thinks bureaucratic formality is a blight on society.

Community focus is everything!! Think of yourselves as a community aid group comprised of appointed citizens, rather than a police ‘force’. We do not use force.

Creativity is one of our watchwords, so use it flagrantly for your job! When you’re filling out reports, you can explain your reasoning there (and trust us, nobody’s ever been reprimanded for creative crime-solving).

It’s a small town, and most of the time your work involves people you know. It’s always okay to help friends and family. 

Remember that self-care is what keeps us all healthy and safe! Don’t work yourselves to the bone. We insist on a good work-life balance, non-negotiable. 

Use the station whenever you need to. It’s open 24/7 and you can bring citizens in for safe-keeping, to use the Exsanguination Station, to feed them, to take statements, whatever’s required for us to help our community.

Get to know the rest of the SBSD! 

Come to the Sheriff with anything. Literally, anything. He’s desperate for company and for people to endure his stories about Apple Fall.

Take-home message? All you need is a true desire to help people and willingness to take on responsibility! Anything else, we can all work out together. That’s what our team at the Sheriff Department’s for.  :)

[soapberrysheriff]

Deputy Briquette has just completed her training in sniffing out those horseflue crabs that have been attacking people’s beach picnics this year! She’ll be on patrol (with her fairy of course) at our busiest seaside destinations, keeping this weird infestation at bay. 

If you see her at work, be sure to shake her paw and let her know you appreciate her efforts! Those horseflue crabs can be ruthless.

[soapberrysheriff]

Happy Pride from the SBS Sheriff Department!

This year, after much internal discussion plus consultation with members of the citizenry, the Sheriff Department has chosen to step down our ‘official’ presence at the Pride festivities. 

Pride has traditionally not been a celebration that requires much in the way of vigilance in the Springs, so your community officers will be participating in Pride in a more organic fashion. Particularly as the Commissioner identifies as two-spirit and the Sheriff as genderfluid queer, we feel it’s important to give members of the Department a chance to holistically experience Pride.

We’ll still be around and available to help anybody who needs it, of course! Just look for anybody wearing either of our assigned rainbow epaulettes: the fabric versions, or the feather versions.

(Your bird-loving Sheriff is opting for the feathers, so you know.)

[soapberrysheriff]

It looks worse than it is! This is what happens when you’re conducting a run-of-the-mill response to a non-emergency call and the fellow living in the basement apartment thinks you’re there to seize his shipment of illegal selkie sand (the amphetamine, not actual sand). Don’t do drugs, kids.

[soapberrysheriff]

[BULLETIN] Ice Circle

Some unidentified seafolk have been spotted creating this giant ice circle in Grapevine River. Please do NOT attempt to break it up, swim around it, or ride the circle, as there have been injuries already from townsfolk being flung off the circle which is spinning very rapidly.