sobachyakukla

[sobachyakukla]

i dyed my hair today, the same dye i used before i left for the trip with michael. calls itself "unicorn hair" & i like that. before i had this electric peach color, now its lavender. the name of the color itself is "oyster" & i am wearing oyster hair like a pearl. my mother is watching preaching videos. talking about americas need to repent & it all comes out of the mouth of prisoners, yuppies & hippies etc etc. my mother gravitates towards videos of "the outcast for christ". i just try to keep my opinion to myself. its very hard to deal with but i just hold it all in. i look down on her, sure, for her opinion that christ is real. i look down on anyone who believes in christ. i believe in the big bang & that is that. although some of my previous experiences have been targeted around god & the devil & its just an eye-roll. heaven, & hell. i dont want to believe in those things as places. instead i believe in them as social constructs put in place to perpetuate the suffering of the common man, making sure he stays in suffering during his lifetime, striving to obey, look to christ as a king, therefor obey the king-like figure, fall prey to the machine, religion is a construct in place solely for the use of government & capitalism. fear-mongering & control. over it.

the hair dye i used smells so good.

last night i fell asleep inside michaels body. i felt him being intimate. it didnt hurt like it has before. this is the second time it has happened & it hasnt hurt. i didnt hurt myself. i didnt take my lighter to my skin, i picked at the scabs sure, but i didnt make any new burns. it wasnt until around 5 in the morning that i was able to lay down. i felt his member inside another, but in my mind i thought of it just in his hand & was able to feel peace. at one point i felt it, still hard, hit his stomach, but it was hard to shut my eyes. it was hard to fall into it all-the-way, seeing visions of my old best friend. this girl behind our combined eyelids, with shoulder-length hair & straight across bangs. mae, someone like a sister to me, or she used to be. but i dont talk to her anymore. at all, ever, i've cut her off like a dead limb. once michael cut me off i cut everyone else in my life off too. sometimes i look at my mother but i see him. the night before last i saw my mother in bed & then saw him tucked into her breast & felt my chest swell as if he was nursing on me again like he used to when he'd fall asleep on my bosom. but the whirlwind of memories attacked my head like rabid birds & i wasnt able to realize real from unreal due to the manipulation & abuse i've suffered. my mother has these videos preaching AT me & i want to put snakes in her bed, remind her of when father was here, & when the TV was reserved for television shows to keep the mood light. or keep you interested. or entertain you. footsteps. underneath a table. crying.

[sobachyakukla]

s. f. solstice, "dissection"

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when i was sad

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Katherine Mansfield, from a letter to John Middleton Murry

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Margaret Atwood, from True Stories: Poems; "Small Poem for the Winter Solstice," originally published in 1981

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Katherine Mansfield, from a letter to Virginia Woolf written c. February 1913

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Sylvia Plath, from The Collected Poems of Sylvia Plath; "Tulips," (edited version)

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Jules Laforgue, from Modern Poets of France: An Anthology; "Lament of Springtime,"

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“More love is found in grief than in love itself.”

—Lang Leav, September Love

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Mary Shelley, from "Mathilda," originally published posthumously in 1959

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Margaret Atwood, from The Selected Poems of Margaret Atwood; "Daguerreotype Taken in Old Age,"

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Ella Wheeler Wilcox, “The Eternal Now”

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Joseph Brodsky, translated by Howard Moss, from a poem titled "I Sit By The Window,"

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From grey rooms step angels with filth-spattered wings.

Georg Trakl, "Psalm" from To the Silenced (trans. Will Stone)

[sobachyakukla]

Ada Limón, from "To the Busted Among Us", Sharks in the Rivers

[sobachyakukla]

could not sleep, did make-up, went for walk & got in fight with mother.