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I'm crying as I'm typing this out. We had a fight again today. Like we do every Wednesday. "I"dont wanna talk about it.
We didn't get the house. I REALLY loved that house. It was perfect. Perfffect.. you say we would have failed before we even started. Why did we go look at it. Why did I have so many ideas. And now so much disappointment. Why could I picture every little perfect memory there our home...
I feel like a failure. A loser. I wanna crash the fiesta into a brick wall going 100 mph. You make me feel so small.
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Some days it bothers more than others. Today just happens to be one of those hard days. But when someone is in your life for as long as you were its really hard. You're not dead but it feels like you are. At least the you before the drama, the boys, The distrust. I was never dishonest with you ever. But you were all the time and I was blind to it i guess... 13 years. 13 years it feels like I wasted. I remember when we used to talk about how we were gonna be in the old folks home talking shit to each other in our 80s. How we were gonna get a big plot of land and make a homestead. We were there for each other for some of our biggest losses. I poured my heart into our friendship because I thought it would be for life. I just wish I knew how to stop this heartbreak. People say it gets better but it hasn't yet. 2 years and I feel the same. A song, a movie, the burger King moon. It's all alot. I've tried not to listen to the songs, tried not to play the movies. More than a few times a day I go(to myself) you would like that. And then it all comes back. I'm sorry we weren't each others friend person.
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I've been thinking for days how to word it. But how do you have a way to say that you are completely heartbroken. I feel like I'm in this bubble. Everyone's looking in it but they don't see me. I'm screaming and they look right through me. I just don't know anymore.
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I barely hold it together. Sometimes I wonder if I'd really be missed. Maybe. Im just so unhappy all the time and I don't know how to make it stop. How do I make it stop.
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Healing with piano- Spotify playlist
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You might not have been thinking when you said it. But I can't stop thinking about it.
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