softerotica

[softerotica]

A Favor To Ask

You might have responded to the previous survey I did (over 100 hundred of you did!)

But after some feedback, I’ve made some edits and we’re back with a not-quite brand new survey.

It should take.. 5? 10? minutes tops.

What’s new?

The ranking system is a bit better. Instead of ranging from ‘No’ to ‘My fav’

There are specifications- Like ‘Okay for crack/a moment of humor’ and letting you pick whether you think it works better for narrative or dialogue (or both. clicking both is okay.)

There’s words for ass and assholes now too.

Out of curiosity I further split the survey up. There is now one specifically for women, specifically for men, and specifically for non-binary people to take.

I could have just added a demographics question up top- but this allows me to see the differences a bit easier and means that I can continue to get responses from men and nonbinary people after 100 women have answered (survey monkey only lets me see 100 responses.) because I’m pretty sure the women’s one will close first.

It is based off of your gender- meaning if you are a woman, you can take the women’s survey. Trans or Cis- you are a woman.

Minor warning- while I did try and leave each heading as gender neutral as possible (Chests/Butts/Assholes/Internal Sex Organ/External Sex Organ)- some of the words listed beneath might cause you discomfort and if you’re worried about that- please don’t feel pressured to take it.

I did opt to leave in ‘feminitiy’ under internal sex organ though I agree for me it is a Cringe factor due to gendering.

Without Further Commentary:

The Erotic Term Survey (For Non-binary individuals.)

The Erotic Term Survey (For Women)

The Erotic Term Survey (For Men)

[softerotica]

Photo Courtesy of anonymous, used with permission.

[Image Description: An agender individual’s torso, they are doing a hand-bra. Next to them is the title ‘Diversity in Erotica’, beneath it a line followed by ‘Trans Edition. Part Four: Dysphoria.’]

Thank you for tuning in for part four of our series about writing trans characters. After this post I’ll be doing a few that are just examples of what we’ve talked about so far.

To begin with-

Dysphoria is the term to describe a trans person’s mental distress with not matching with their gender.

Not all trans people experience dysphoria. Some only experience it some of the time or under specific circumstances. They may experience different kinds of dysphoria.

Physical dysphoria covers anything that revolves around the physical self- things like discomfort with genitals or general body shape. Someone might experience dysphoria regarding how their voice sounds or about their body hair. Any gender discomfort that comes from a physical place is a type of physical dysphoria.

There’s also social dysphoria that deals more with other people not recognizing their gender. Whether it is someone deadnaming them or calling them the wrong pronouns, or even openly arguing that they are not their gender.

Now that that’s out of the way, we’ll move on to writing about it. Not every piece dealing with trans people has to deal with dysphoria. But realistically? Some of them should. It’s completely understandable to be a bit overwhelmed by the idea- after all, we read and write erotica for it to be ‘sexy’ and someone being distressed (without their consent) isn’t sexy.

But just like we can cover say- partners trying to figure out how to deal with height differences or differing tastes- we can handle the topic of dysphoria without shutting the whole piece down.

For a longer piece? You might actually let it end a possible sex scene. Let your character freak out. Let them panic and need to regroup. You can then have them change something and come at it again from a different angle. Have them feel triumphant and elated.

But on the shorter end of things-

It’s probably easiest to write about dysphoria from the perspective of the trans person. A comment here or there about how they feel about their body, about how they prefer x over y because it hides/highlights/helps them imagine something else is happening.

Maybe they have a pre-sex ritual meant to reaffirm their gender. Some trans men enjoy working out before hand. Just like many cis women shave their legs before hooking up, so might a trans woman. Perfume or cologne, trimming or fixing hair, any number of little things. Little things that help them feel more comfortable with their bodies.

Maybe they prefer the lights off or having sex under the blankets. Maybe your trans woman character likes to keep her skirt on during sex. Or her partner buys her new lingerie and she has an awkward moment of introspection in the mirror, trying to figure out whether or not she likes how it highlights certain parts of her.

Maybe she shoos her partner away from her big clit and instead has them help her pull on a strap on.

Take your time, even in a shorter piece you can have a character take a pause. Maybe they need to stop and reset the mood. Collect themselves in the shower. Maybe their partner helps talk them down. Reaffirms how beautiful they are. Or maybe they need their partner to not bring up how they look at all. Some find that they’re okay so long as they don’t think too much about the body they’re in.

Which is something that brings me to another big point. On the flip side of dysphoria? Is Gender Euphoria.

That lovely rush when someone is reaffirmed in their gender. This is such an important thing that should be seen more often in erotica pieces. Again, easiest in the perspective of the trans person because you can narratively show them being delighted with how something went. But it can also happen in the dialogue.

Just like there’s different ways that a trans character might have sex, there are different ways that your character’s relationship with their gender is going to interact with sex.

It’s just about finding the right one for your character.

[softerotica]

Photo Courtesy of anonymous, used with permission.

[Image Description: A trans man’s torso, he is wearing a black binder. Next to it is the title ‘Diversity in Erotica’, beneath it a line followed by ‘Trans Edition. Part Three: How Trans Men Have Sex.’]

Diversity in Erotica: Trans Edition. Part Three: How Trans Men Have Sex

((Disclaimer: Nonbinary trans people are a thing. Trans people who only id as ‘trans’ are a thing. For readability, I have limited myself to ‘trans men’ for this piece. Any use of the word ‘man’ or ‘men’ should be assumed to be about trans men- if I need to reference cis people, I will specifically say so.))

So, again, we’re going to start with the very basic statement that all sex (written and real) should start with- communication.

You have more leeway with characters if they are in a pre-established relationship and have had sex before. But in general, you’re going to want to have some sort of communication going on.

Maybe your guy sets the tone in terms of language first by saying he wants his partner to suck his cock. Maybe he’s the more nervous type and does anxiously babble a little bit in the beginning. Trans people don’t need to apologize for wanting to be touched, or not touched, in a specific way- but if it fits with your character to just be anxious about their body in general? There’s room to move. Maybe he starts out with ‘sorry, don’t want anything in me tonight’ and it’s an anxious statement, or maybe he says it in a half joking tone.

During the undressing stage, a pre-op man might need to take off his binder or the sports bras he layers to create a similar flattening effect. He might remove a packer, or wear special underwear.  There might be scars, either from bottom surgery or top surgery. These are other small details that can make a big difference. He might feel self-conscious about these things, or try to explain to his partner what they are.

Communication is so important and everyone has a different style.

Like I stressed in the post about trans women, if there was one thing I could get people to understand about sex in general- it's that penetrative sex is not the end all be all.

Because that is the most obvious place to go, we’ll start with penetrative sex.

Pre-op trans men are able to have sex in both of their ‘down stairs’ regions. Some of them don’t like to! Some of them love anal but wouldn’t dream of touching the other. Same in the other direction. Enjoying penetration doesn’t make them any less of a man- and on the flip side, not all trans men ‘bottom’ or are the submissive party.

The biggest thing to note with these kinds of sex is your language preference. What words are being used? Is there anything being done to mitigate dysphoria for those who might be experiencing it?

What I mean by that is are they doing anything to soothe dysphoria or make it less obvious? Maybe your guy likes to be fucked while having his packer stroked off. Maybe he prefers the lights off or to be under the covers so that he can’t see what is going on. Maybe he can’t stand when his partner talks about what is happening down there. Maybe he does- maybe he needs that reassurance.

Lube is often necessary for trans men if they’re on T- but how do they prefer it to be delivered?

Get a feel for your character and what he would like.

On the other side of penetrative sex- we have trans men as the penetrative partners.

Obviously they’re able to penetrate using fingers/hands just like everyone else. If they’re the kind of post op that takes skin from other parts of the body to create a penis, they can also penetrate using their dick. He may need other measures to get hard (some include a pump, others use a sleeve) but he does have a functioning dick.

Strap-ons are also an option. If so? How does your character feel about a strap on? Does he feel silly? Does he waggle his hips to show off how it can move? Does he like to make jokes with his partner about how many different dicks they can choose from for the night? Does he prefer one like the realdoe that goes inside of him as well as his partner? Does he wear his strapon over his boxers?

What kind of sensory details can you include regarding how it feels to the person being penetrated? Some strap ons are realistic some are tentacles or just colorful. Some are harder than others. These are little details that make such a big difference in the how real your piece feels.

Some other ways that pre-op trans men play (or post-op trans men who went with the ‘smaller’ option that doesn’t involve skin grafts) include doctoring toys or using things for slightly different reasons than their original purposes.

There are these things called nipple suckers which can be applied to pre-op packages to stimulate them. Some men use their stps (stand to pee device) to get off, placing the edge against them so that they can stroke the fake cock and the motion will still stimulate them. Other stps come with rods to help with the same thing.

Tenga eggs are masturbation sleeves basically. They have all sorts of different kinds of ridges inside, and they can be slid over their dick and rutted up into or rubbed down. Some trans guys think that the hole for them for them is a little too big, so this is something to keep in mind.

There’s also the Bro Sleeve made for ‘smaller’ men, which states that it’s great for oral stimulation because of the open top.

There is a masturbation sleeve made specifically for trans men. It was created by Buck Angel. It is specifically designed to be more the right size for trans men. Like the tenga egg it has a closed top which provides more stimulation. It is relatively new, released late 2016, so new versions may come out.

So it is up to personal preference and availability which one of these a trans man might use.

Some trans men even take a water bottle and fill it a third of the way to halfway with warm water, use a condom to cover the mouth and seal it off with a rubber band. They then lay back and cover themselves with the condom, rocking the bottle so that it mimics the way a mouth or vagina might feel around them.

Post-op men who opt for no skin grafts, as well as pre-op men on hormones can often jerk off their cocks as well, even if it is smaller than we think of usually with that activity.

There’s sex toys like the satisfyer pro 2 and the Womanizer (apologies for the name) that basically create a mock sucking sensation. These can be used with the handle up- and the handle be stroked while still supplying stimulation where they can get off.

Some trans men will use vibrators inside of their ass to stimulate themselves from that side. It can take a while to train themselves to orgasm that way- but not everyone aims for an orgasm anyway.

This seems like a lot of information about masturbation, but these are ways that a partner might stimulate them as well. Or a partner might watch them.

Again- don’t forget their upper halves. 

Some trans men still have larger chests, some pre-op men don’t. Some men are post-op and have had their chests removed. You can remark on things like scars during descriptions, but also figure out whether or not your character enjoys nipple play. Whether or not they’re self conscious and want to wear a shirt.

Post-op nipples can come in all sorts of shapes and sizes and sensitivities. They might have them tattooed on, might have their original nipples altered to be smaller or just have them regrafted. They might choose not to have nipples at all.

There are all sorts of ways that trans men have sex, and you don’t have to try and fit everything into one piece. But these are different things to consider while writing erotica involving trans men.

I included a comment about fetishization last time- and I think it’s important to do so again. Trans men are not the ‘best of both worlds’, don’t spend an unusual amount of time focusing on their genitals. Gay men who sleep with trans men are still gay and straight women who sleep with trans men are still straight.

Some Sources/possibly helpful links:

Nipple Suckers

Information about STPs (stand to pee devices)

Cock sleeve specifically for trans guys

Satisfyer Pro 2 Vs Womanizer

Bro Sleeve

A pretty comprehensive reference for sex with trans men. Includes health info.

The water bottle method.

Another guide on trans men and sex

[softerotica]

Photo Courtesy of anonymous, used with permission.

[Image Description: A trans woman’s torso, she is wearing a red lacy bra. Next to it is the title ‘Diversity in Erotica’, beneath it a line followed by ‘Trans Edition. Part Two: How Trans Women Have Sex.’]

Diversity in Erotica: Trans Edition. Part Two: How Trans Women Have Sex

((Disclaimer: Nonbinary trans people are a thing. Trans people who only id as ‘trans’ are a thing. For readability, I have limited myself to ‘trans women’ for this piece. Any use of the word ‘woman’ or ‘women’ should be assumed to be about trans women- if I need to reference cis people, I will specifically say so.))

While sex in general should start with communication, this is especially important when writing about one partner experiencing a new body for the first time. Whether it’s someone’s first time with a woman or with someone who is trans or disabled. I promise you, writing about one partner guiding the other through what they enjoy isn’t a bad thing.

You don’t have to start out with a paragraph of disclaimers. Your characters or narrative doesn’t have to walk everyone through trans women 101 or what they like in bed. It can slowly be woven in throughout just like with sex that happens in person instead of on the page.

Much like with any group of people- sex happens in all sorts of ways in all sorts of places. It may happen in the nude, fully dressed, or somewhere in between. The lights may or may not need to be on. A person may need to know that the other party fully appreciates their body first, or may get uncomfortable with it being mentioned too often.

If I could only stress one thing about writing diverse erotica, it would be that not all sex is penetrative.

There are women who enjoy having anal sex. There are women who enjoy penetrating their partner, some of which use their natural equipment, others who use strapons.

But these aren’t the only options.

On the note of penetration though, let me introduce you to muffing.

Muffing is a form of penetrative sex that is only possible for pre-op trans women and cis men, though most cis men don’t know about this kind of sex.

Here’s a guide on tucking. See the spot where they talk about tucking in the testicles? It’s where the testicles draw up to naturally when it gets cold. Some trans women enjoying being penetrated in the same place. This might be a little harder to write about because not many people are going to understand the anatomy of it, but that doesn’t mean you can’t play around. And if your audience is trans women? Or even men who have had reason to tuck in the past? Then they’re going to understand.

Some trans women take their soft package and fold it over and will penetrate that area as well. I will admit to being unsure if penetration with a penis is possible, but I do know of those who use a small vibe or fingers there.

Beyond that there is intercrural sex, which is a sort of ‘pseudo’ penetrative sex, where the penetrating partner fucks the lubed up space where someone’s thighs are pressed together.

A note on writing penetrative sex with a post-op woman, they will need more lube than a cis woman might. Some of them do produce their own lubrication when aroused- especially if they used to produce a lot of precome, but it’s still a good idea to write about lubrication. Post-op women do have a ‘clit’ so don’t think you should be leaving that out. It’s just formed from the glands of their former genitalia.

Now, off of penetration-

Many women on estrogen are unable to to get hard, while others are still able to maintain an erection. Of those able still able to, whether because they aren’t on hormones or because they don’t have that side effect, some may find getting hard uncomfortable or find that it triggers their dysphoria.

This doesn’t mean that those who are soft can’t have fun.

I mentioned earlier the whole folded over thing. Some women play with themselves like this. They run vibes over the outside. They rub or stroke it.

Some who feel uncomfortable with getting hard but can will use things such as cages to keep themselves growing too much.

Others will avoid touching that part of themselves at all and focus instead on other areas.

The taint is an area behind the balls but before the anus. It’s basically the way to stimulate the prostate from the outside. A vibrator can be used here, it can be rubbed with the fingers or a woman can grind down on a thigh to get pleasure. There’s loads of awesome nerves here.

There’s also internal prostate stimulation. Either through fucking, fingering, or other kinds of play. One popular method involves using a vibrator and letting it do its thing in different positions, sometimes for hours. Some of them will stroke themselves toward the end in order to have a more traditional orgasm, others are satisfied with just the waves of pleasure they get with the prostate play.

Which is another important thing to remember about erotica- just like not all sex has to be penetrative? Not all of it has to lead to an orgasm. It can be satisfying without that.

Many women will play with the glands only, either entirely nude or having the top poke out of a pair of underwear so that the glands are the only thing visible.

Another thing to keep in mind is the chest. I know there are some myths about cis men not enjoying having their nipples played with, but I promise you- nipple play is for all body types. Which isn’t to say that everyone enjoys it- but that it isn’t only for one type of person.

While this guide covers some of the ways that trans women have sex, it definitely isn’t all inclusive. Different people enjoy different things and people are constantly exploring themselves and finding new ways to play.

Now, you don’t have to take my word for these things. I’m going to include a few different links to trans women writing about sex below.

This post by Natalie Reed

An autostraddle interview with the writer of the F*cking Trans women zine, Mira Bellwether.

There’s this buzzfeed piece about trans women finding their orgasms again.

This piece by Vogue is written by a cis person, but includes an account from a trans woman.

[softerotica]

Photo Courtesy of Connor Jackson, used with permission.

[Image Description: A pre-op trans man’s naked torso with the nipple starred out. Next to it is the title ‘Diversity in Erotica’, beneath it a line followed by ‘Trans Edition. Part One: The Basics + Word Choice.’]

Diversity in Erotica: Trans Edition. Part One: The Basics + Word Choice

((Disclaimer: Nonbinary trans people are a thing. Trans people who only id as ‘trans’ are a thing. For readability, I have limited myself to ‘trans women’, ‘trans men’, and the occasional ‘trans people.’ Any ‘men’ or ‘women’ comments should be assumed to be about trans men or women- if I need to reference cis people, I will specifically say so.))

So, you’ve decided you want to write sex with a trans person, or you’re at least considering it- but you aren’t sure how to go about it. You’re not sure what trans people do in bed, what to call their body parts, what they may or may not like. I’m here to give some advice. Keep in mind that there isn’t a single trans experience, and I can only offer you my take.

So let’s start with a very very basic trans 101:

Trans people are people who identify as a gender they were not deemed at birth. Some trans people have the genitals that they were born with. Some trans people have had surgery to change their genitals and/or chest. Some have no intention of ever doing so. Some only do one or the other. Sometimes because they’re comfortable with that part of themselves or because they haven’t saved up or because they don’t like their options.

Which means that you can write trans men, trans women, and non-binary people with literally any configuration.*

*caveat: Sometimes I see people who write about having both a vagina and a penis. Some trans men do call what is generally considered the clit their dick- but beyond that- a vagina and a penis don’t exist together the way they’re usually talked about.

Intersex people exist, but if you wish to write about intersex individuals, you can check out this page here for drawn diagrams of what that can look like.

Describing the trans partner:

To begin with, make sure that you’re using the correct pronouns. Women? Don’t go by ‘he/him.’ Men? Don’t go by ‘she/her.’ Non-binary individuals go by a variety of pronouns. While trans people get misgendered in real life, unless you’re trans, it probably isn’t appropriate to bring it up in your story.

In terms of general looks, there are trans women and men of every presentation. Just like cis women and men, either can be tall or short, skinny or large, have short or long hair. Some choose to dress and sculpt their appearance to make sure that they’re ‘read’ as their gender. Some do not. Some trans women choose to keep their facial hair, some men wear dresses. This does not make them any less their gender.

Some trans people use hormones to help their body make the shift, others use makeup, special clothing, and accessories to accomplish appearing a certain way.

Accessories include things like jewelry, but also packers, non-surgical breast implants and binders.

Post-op women’s vaginas mainly differ from cis women’s vaginas in one way- they don’t lubricate as much. Trans women who had a lot of precome before the operation sometimes do have some lubrication, but lube is still necessary for penetrative sex. They also usually go through measures to dilate their vaginas, something cis women do naturally.

As for breast implants, it often depends on how large they go how ‘real’ they feel. 

Post-op men usually refers to men who have had ‘top’ surgery. Some of them have scars under their pecs, some are more noticeable than others. Some have large nipples still, some have been made smaller surgically. Some men even choose to have them removed entirely or tattoo them on.

As for those who have ‘bottom’ surgery, there are two major kinds. Aesthetically, one looks like a penis on the smaller side. It can still get hard naturally. The other surgery requires a skin graft from other parts of their body and can be as big as they’d like. This form has options to get hard, but it’s something they have to do manually. Sometimes a man chooses to have his clit grafted at the base of his cock. Both kinds have the option for testicles. 

So what do we call these various parts?

Some trans people call their genitals the same thing they did before accepting themselves as trans. There are trans women who have dicks, call them dicks, and are not ashamed of this. This is okay. There are pre-op women who call that part of them a clit or a big clitty or some variation. This is okay. Post-op women have vaginas. Some women refer to their asshole as their ‘insert favored slang for vagina.’ Some do not. All okay things.

There are pre-op men who refer to their clits as clits. Some prefer to call that part of them dicks. Both of these are completely normal.

Both groups may make up words, or prefer a word not be used at all. They may say ‘down there’, ‘in me’. They may call their genitals ‘clicks’ or whatever word they’ve found works for them. This is okay.

Which is the best to use when writing erotica? If you’re only ever going to write one trans story- probably go with the same wording you would if you were writing a cis person. So trans women have vaginas/clits and trans men with dicks.  If you're going to be writing multiple ones? Then you've got more wiggle rooms for showing a variety of experiences.

This goes for describing them as well. In the next section we’ll go more into different ways that trans people have sex, both pre and post-op. 

A word of warning:

If you’re wanting to be respectful and not fetishizing? Slurs don’t belong in cis people’s writing.

Trans women are women. Trans men are men. They are not t- _____, they are not the t slur, they are not any variation on the word ‘sissy.’ While what happens physically to the body might be different- what they’re being called in bed? And the word you’re using in the narrative? Should not be. In general, I’d say even err on the side of caution in terms of writing ‘trans woman’ and ‘trans man’ every time. Think of it like a hair color. You might at some point write a line that includes ‘the brown-haired man’ but you wouldn’t write it every line, would you?

A lot of times you can get away with not saying ‘trans’ at all. When a pair decides to have sex for the first time, you might have the trans partner joke about what they have ‘down there.’ If they’re in a space that’s mostly trans people, they might not say it at all. If you’re writing about two trans individuals meeting at a support group for trans people- they’re going to walk into the bedroom aware that their partner might have a variety of equipment.

When you have a cis character or writer focusing too much on the fact that the character is trans- it can come off as a fetish or chaser behavior. And while fetishes are generally okay in erotica, there’s a difference between someone spending three paragraphs talking about stockings and turning someone’s identity into one.

There are trans people into every kink in the world- this includes humiliation. If a trans person wants to write a story about being belittled/mocked for their gender/mocked for not fitting the ‘standard’- that is their right. If you are cis? Or a trans woman writing about trans men or especially a trans man writing about trans women? Don’t.

Another thing to avoid is fetishizing their appearance. Don’t go into how big a pre-ops woman’s genitals are, or how small a man’s might be. It’s one thing to do a brief description- another thing to bring it up repeatedly.