Saw someone mention how Steve tends to get defensive when he's anxious and it stuck with me, so here's my take on the "Steve breaks a dish and has a panic attack about it" trope
cw: descriptions of nonstandard panic attack, implied/referenced child abuse
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The distinct sound of shattering porcelain is followed by a vehemently hissed, āshit,ā and then silence.
āSteve?ā Eddie calls from the couch into the kitchen. āYou okay?ā
āYeah,ā Steve calls back, but his voice sounds tight in the way it does when something definitely isnāt okay.
Eddie pushes himself up and moves to the doorway, looking in to see what the trouble is. The kitchen of the house he and Wayne had been āgiftedā by the government isnāt exactly huge, and he has a straight line of sight to where Steve is standing by the sink, eyes squeezed shut as he pinches the bridge of his nose, and to the red and white shards of porcelain on the floor by his feet.
āHey,ā Eddie says, but Steve doesnāt look up; if anything, his posture only gets tenser. āYouāre not cut or anything, are you?ā
āNo,ā Steve says, and his tone is still a little off, but he doesnāt sound like heās lying.
āWhat was that, anyway?ā Eddie asks.
Finally, Steve takes a deep breath in and opens his eyes, looking down at the mess on the laminate. āMug.ā
As soon as he says it, Eddie recognizes the colors for what the design must have been. āShit, the Campbellās one?ā
Steve doesnāt say a word, just gives one sharp nod.
Eddie sucks a hiss of breath in through his teeth. āShit,ā he says again. āThat was Wayneās favorite.ā
āI know,ā Steve says tersely. āIām sorry.ā
His tone is definitely weird. āI mean, Iām sure it was an accident, Steveāā Eddie starts.
āIām sorry,ā Steve says again, almost snapping this time. āIāll clean it up.ā
āO-kay,ā Eddie says slowly, watching as Steve jerks into motion and moves over to the corner where they stash the broom and dust pan.
āIāll apologize to Wayne when he gets home,ā Steve says as he starts sweeping up, even though Eddie hasnāt said a word.
āHe gets home at, like, six in the morning.ā
āIāll make sure Iām up,ā Steve says shortly.
āSteve, you can just tell him what happened later, heās not going to stand around demanding an explanation. I mean, seriously, you think Wayne is gonna be pissed if youāre not there, immediately scraping at his feet when he comes through the door?ā Eddie scoffs, but Steve remains silent. Eddie watches as he finishes sweeping in short, sharp motions, brows pulling together as Steve apparently fails to pick up on the joke. āā¦he wonāt be, yāknow.ā
Steve shrugs. His expression has gone eerily blank, and he takes the dustpan over to the garbage can to dump it.
āHey, donātāā Eddie reaches out, and Steve jerks to a stop just in time. āYou donāt have to toss it, man, we might be able to glue it back together.ā
Steve sends Eddie a sharp look. āIām not gonna be able to hide that it was broken, Eddie,ā he says slowly, as though this should be painfully obvious.
āIām not suggesting we hide it, Iām just saying we might still be able to use it,ā Eddie answers in the same slow manner. āItās not junk until youāre sure you canāt fix it.ā
āRight,ā Steve snaps, dropping the dustpan on the counter so sharply that the shards of porcelain clink against each other. āCanāt even clean up right.ā
Eddie frowns, stirrings of defensiveness rising up in his gut at Steveās continued sour mood. āI didnāt say that. I just said we might be able to fix it.ā
āFine. Weāll try to fix it,ā Steve bites out, turning away from Eddie so he can put the broom back in the corner.
Eddie shakes his head, unwilling to engage with whatever snit Steveās got himself worked into. āWhat happened, anyway?ā he asks instead.
Apparently, this is the wrong tactic.
āWhat happened is, Iām too stupid to even do the dishes right,ā Steve declares as he whirls back around. āIs that what you want to hear?ā
āWhat?ā Eddie is baffled, suddenly caught in the middle of an argument he hadnāt even realized was happening. āNo! Why would I want to hear that?ā
Steve throws his arms up, a demonstration of giving in. āWell I already said Iām sorry, and I am, and I donāt know what else you want from me!ā
The heat of Eddieās own temper is beginning to flare, but he does his best to shake it away because he still doesnāt know what the hell is going on and he doesnāt think getting angry will help. āI donāt want anything else from you! Why are you acting like Iām yelling at you? Iām not, Iām not even upset about the stupid mug, so what the hell is your deal?ā
He takes a couple of steps into the kitchen, reaching out for Steve, hoping just to touch some part of him. Physical contact has always been grounding, has always been a comfort for them both; it almost seems like they can communicate better if they can just be in contact somehow. Instead of reaching back, though, Steve tenses up; itās not exactly a flinch, but itās as if heās bracing himself, as if heās waiting for Eddie toā
Eddie takes in the painfully blank expression on Steveās pale face, the way his chest is rising and falling in quick, shallow breaths that he canāt quite seem to control, the way heās angled himself just slightly away from Eddie, and suddenly Eddie feels cold.
Itās as if heās waiting for Eddie to hit him.
Eddie wonders how the hell he hadnāt realized he was walking through a minefield until he was already standing in the middle of it.
(It still takes him by surprise, sometimes, that Steveās anxiety, his panic, tends to look more like anger. That he tends to lash out like a wounded animal when he feels backed into a corner, hurt too many times in moments of vulnerability to do otherwise.)
(It takes him by surprise, but heās learning.)
āSteve,ā Eddie says softly, dropping his hand slowly back to his side, āIām not angry.ā
Steve stares at him, almost confused, like Eddieās not doing it right, like this isnāt whatās supposed to come next. Eddie sort of wants to break something (he thinks, briefly, that heād like to start with the fingers on Mr. Harringtonās right hand, and then move on to his left).
āItās just a mug, Steve, itās okay. No oneās upset about it,ā Eddie says. āIām preemptively speaking for Wayne, because I know heās not gonna be mad at you. Seriously, getting upset over a broken cup? Does that sound like something Wayne would do?ā
Slowly, once he seems to realize that Eddie is waiting for an answer, Steve shakes his head.
āDoes that sound like something I would do?ā Eddie asks.
Steve shakes his head again, though heās still watching Eddie with something approaching trepidation.
āI promise itās fine. Iām not angry,ā Eddie repeats, and chances a couple of steps closer to Steve.
Steve doesnāt react this time, no tensing, no flinching, no verbally lashing out, and so Eddie lifts a hand again, reaching slowly for Steveās. Steve lets him.
When he gets his fingers wrapped around Steveās own, Eddie can feel how cold theyāve gone, can feel the fine tremble of adrenaline working through them, and canāt quite choke down the noise of sympathy in his throat. He tugs on Steveās hand.
āCāmere,ā Eddie says, invites him by lifting his other arm, but leaves it up to Steve.
It only takes a moment for Steve to step in close, and when Eddie lets go of his hand to wrap his arms around Steveās shoulders, Steve reciprocates by cinching his own arms tight around Eddieās waist. He takes one sharp breath, and then another, and Eddie can hear the way they shake going in and out.
āThere you go,ā Eddie says quietly, rubbing Steveās back.
āI just dropped it,ā Steve says, his voice a little hoarse. āIt was an accident.ā
āI know it was,ā Eddie assures him. āItās okay.ā
āIt was an accident,ā Steve says again, and Eddie wonders how often someone has believed him ā how often heād ever even been given a chance to explain.
āIt was an accident,ā Eddie agrees. āYouāre okay, Steve.ā
Steve lets out a little noise, like maybe heās trying to laugh, but then he pulls in another shuddery breath and rests his chin on Eddieās shoulder. āOkay.ā
In a little bit, Eddie might lead Steve to sit down on the couch, or maybe just take them both up to bed, because fuck doing the dishes after this anyway; heāll make sure to leave a note for Wayne about the mug (ask him not to bring it up until Steve does, to not even jokingly make a thing about it), but for now, he concentrates on holding Steve close.
Heāll stand with him as long as it takes for the shaking to stop, for his breathing to even out, for him to relax even just a little against Eddie, and he'll promise, as many times as Steve needs to hear it, that itās okay. Things will be okay.
[Prompt: Embracing your partner]
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