solaceishere

[solaceishere]

the wilting of a bright mind

[solaceishere]

i don't regret it, i wish my first time was with someone i knew better and had a connection to but i mean this is chill i got my experience in it was fun

sex in general is kind of a mind fuck, years stressing over it and it jus ends in downloading grindr and calling an Uber and yeah thats, thats it thats all there is to it, how are niggas incels.

[solaceishere]

sex in general is kind of a mind fuck, years stressing over it and it jus ends in downloading grindr and calling an Uber and yeah thats, thats it thats all there is to it, how are niggas incels.

[solaceishere]

it may also be sexual, lost my virginity about two months ago. sex is nice, fun cute all that but stressful. still can't really register that some people see my body and still want to suck my dick lmao. its nice and vulnerable but i wanna feel secure in myself, the shame while apparently cute to some I'm realizing is also a barrier for me i think. idk I've taken a break from sex until i get more comfortable in my body, gotta become the person you wanna fuck the most.

my family calls me sol/solace now and i have a consolation next month to get a prescription for estrogen, I'm the slimmest I've ever been, close to the 100s range. its so surrral i don't feel present in myself or in my life in general but I'm changing. i think whats driving me in general is a desire to align my body with my sense of self, the "i need to get worse" thing idek

[solaceishere]

my family calls me sol/solace now and i have a consolation next month to get a prescription for estrogen, I'm the slimmest I've ever been, close to the 100s range. its so surrral i don't feel present in myself or in my life in general but I'm changing. i think whats driving me in general is a desire to align my body with my sense of self, the "i need to get worse" thing idek

[solaceishere]

i need to figure smth out fast before i kill myself, bought a tank of nitrogen i have tubing and a bag. this isn't sustainable im sick of this it's either find smth to make it easier soon or kill myself. I'm not gonna just carry this around and feel like shit to no end im not doing this something has to change drastically soon

[solaceishere]

i need a pretty girl to take advantage of me and starve me and dress me up until I'm a weak lil twink for her and take pics of me after she kicks my stomach in i mean i need healthy relationships and supportive people in my life

[solaceishere]

hecate

[solaceishere]

I love you <3

love you too🫶🏼🫶🏼🫶🏼

[solaceishere]

sometimes it does feel like all of this noise yknow existence and all is just a gradient between infinity and oblivion. time is a side effect of being smeared between these two polarities idek bruh

[solaceishere]

facial hair really is makeup for men i had a nightmare i lost my mustache I've had trauma dreams that left me less stressed when I woke up bro

[solaceishere]

working on finding what grounds me besides blood. new phone came with a stilus so figured I'd try digital and i like it i like the flexibility of the medium and the convenience of it. i prefer my sketchbook for anything im really invested in but this is nice. trying to get back into anatomy and leaning how shapes work.

[solaceishere]

[solaceishere]

went on a hike, contemplated the passing of time 🍃🍂

[solaceishere]

almost died a few months ago. first the cold comes, legs lose feeling toes tingle hands feel slower and less responsive. its like a ritual, the body and mind retreat into themselves. perception shifts in it's configuration and certain things lose significance while others are dredged up from the deep and pushed to the surface. i don't know or really understand what I experienced but it did feel like i was being prepared for something, changing.

I've always had an inclanation twords passive suicadality. in large part it's an expression of dispair, a lamententation at my general state of being. but fluttering amongst all the noise i can pick out a thread of gold. feelings of aspiration, longing. idek

[solaceishere]

i hate sounding melodramatic but i do sometimes feel like my general state of being isn't compatible with the world as it is now.

[solaceishere]

I've always had an inclanation twords passive suicadality. in large part it's an expression of dispair, a lamententation at my general state of being. but fluttering amongst all the noise i can pick out a thread of gold. feelings of aspiration, longing. idek