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solaninclover · 1 year

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A Stupidly Long Oikawa Analysis

The main issue with Oikawa is that he's not naturally gifted, which is emphasized a lot in the show. For example, the last episode of the season one match of Karasuno vs Seijoh was named "Oikawa Tooru is not a Genius". Despite that, he's still the best player on Seijoh, and is highly respected by his teammates as a setter and their captain. Due to not having any natural skill or technique, Oikawa resorted to compensating with his own tactics. He knew that, no matter how hard he tried, he would never have the same technical skill as a genius like Kageyama. Instead, he used his own skills in analysis and communication to bring out the best in his spikers.

This is why, despite being called Grand King, Oikawa is depicted as a mighty general. He leads his soldiers, and in return, they trust him with their lives and fight with him. The amazing thing about Oikawa's leadership is that his teammates trust him because they know he can lead them. They understand that Oikawa has honed their skills and improved them all as players. He's helped them all, and when a game comes, they understand that all he asks of them is to keep trusting him. Trust that he'll send them a good toss, trust the strategies he'll formulate, trust his leadership.

At the end of the day, Oikawa knows he doesn't have the technical skill of a genius, so he dedicates his focus to improving his whole team. The origin of this focus would probably come from the episode where he almost backhands Kageyama in middle school. Iwaizumi intervenes and literally knocks some sense into him. They fight and yell, but then Iwaizumi tells Oikawa, "There are six people on court! The team with the best six players is the best!" Oikawa seems to have an epiphany then. He seems to realize exactly what his best friend is saying. It seems very straightforward at first, but it clearly not all that simple. Oikawa thought that he had to improve himself as a setter so he could carry his team to victory. He was trying to be a king. Luckily, he had Iwaizumi to cut off that train of thought very early on.

I loved how the show compared what Iwaizumi said to multiplication and addition. Oikawa thought that he had to improve himself because he thought you just mushed together the strengths of each player. That's wrong. He learned that you multiply the strengths of each player instead. It took me a bit to understand that one too. The way I look at that, it means that each player will affect one another when in a team. They can't just play as individuals that happen to be on the same side of the court. By trying to add the powers of your team, you just stack them on top of each other. By multiplying, you take what you already have and make it greater by merging it with something else.

If you like visuals, think of oil and water vs baking soda and vinegar. Adding oil to water increases the overall volume of liquid, but they never combine. If there is a cup of water and a cup of oil, you get two cups of liquid. Baking soda and vinegar doesn't just stack; it explodes. If you have a cup of vinegar and a cup of baking soda, they'll make way more than two cups when they combine. The players get stronger when together.

So, Oikawa stops trying to become a king. He obviously does keep trying to improve as a player, but he starts to focus more on his spikers. He realizes that he can compensate for his lack of natural technical skill by using his own natural skill of reading people and adjusting his responses adequately. Oikawa is a versatile player, and a very flexible setter. He gives his energy to improve his team, and they respond by giving their energy to get better and win. I found it interesting how loyal his teammates were to him. It brings me back to Oikawa being a general and not a king. Kageyama is high, untouchable, and barks out orders as the king, while Oikawa is the brave general who leads the soldiers. Oikawa fights alongside his soldiers. Kageyama stays in his palace, highly revered, but alone. The difference between them is that people are forced to follow Kageyama because of his unparalleled power. People follow Oikawa because they trust him with their life.

It's actually one of my favorite pieces of symbolism in Haikyuu. Kageyama was a genius from the beginning. His skill was something he was born with, and now he's king. When the eldest prince is born they have the birthright to become king. Kageyama got his title simply because he was lucky (

I love Kageyama, and I know he worked very hard, but he was mainly able to get there because he's a natural born genius. Generals have to rise through the ranks and work for their position. Some soldiers in history were actually more loyal to their general than to their king. Generals risk their lives with their soldiers. The king commands from the palace. The analogy doesn't really work for their relationship, but it's great for their individual characters.

As for Oikawa's relationship with Kageyama? It's complicated, as most things with Oikawa are. Oikawa is Kageyama's upperclassman, and It's evident that Kageyama once looked up to him. At first, I never understood why Oikawa hated Kageyama so much. It was fairly obvious that his underclassman basically worshipped him, and I thought it would do wonders for his ego. However, it seems so much more obvious after a bit of rewatching. Middle school Kageyama was a natural from the start, and middle school Oikawa was just a mess of overworking, burning out, and crippling insecurity masked by egoism.

Oikawa hated that he worked himself to death to make the cut, then some random bright eyed prodigy first year just comes in and steals the show. Maybe it wasn't reasonable to hate him so much, but middle schoolers aren't reasonable. Some people say Oikawa was supposed act more mature and responsible, an that he should have had more self control with his feelings. They seem to forget he was a CHILD. He was a literal child; he just entered adolescence, and he was still learning. He shouldn't be expected to handle things like an adult when he isn't one. Oikawa was just SCARED. He loved volleyball and didn't want to be replaced by Kageyama. He overworked himself so he wouldn't be dispensable. I agree that he should not have tried to hit Kageyama. However, you can't say that it makes him a bad person or character.

Oikawa wasn't really in his right mind at the time. It was clear that he was in the middle of an adrenaline rush of sorts from overworking himself. He was visibly agitated and overwhelmed, but, Kageyama approached him. This isn't Kageyama's fault either. While I do think he should have been able to tell it was a bad time to ask, Kageyama was an even younger child. He was never good at reading people either, so Kageyama can't be held accountable. Imagine, though, how Oikawa felt. He was in the middle of training so he wouldn't be replaced, and who decides to interrupt? The person he's trying not to be replaced by. Again, not Kageyama's fault, but you must understand that Oikawa was afraid. He was stuck in this swarm of negative thinking, and the very source of so much of his fear and insecurity was suddenly right in front of him. It wasn't right of him to do that, but you can understand why he did it.

That's another very interesting part of Oikawa. It was his worst fear come to life when he was subbed out for Kageyama in one of their games. It was too much for him, and he just finally snapped. Thankfully, Iwaizumi's lecture struck a chord in him, and he made an apparent effort to remember it. However, I don't think it made his fear go away. In fact, I think his fear of being replaced originated much before middle school. Obviously, I have no idea when exactly, but I would have to guess it started around the middle of elementary school at the latest. This is mainly because I believe Oikawa's obnoxious personality is a sort of defense mechanism used against this fear. Oikawa is objectively very good-looking, flamboyant and charming; he's also very popular among girls.

I found it very interesting that he was portrayed to be a heartthrob by the media, but was seen to be very immature and honestly quite annoying. Around his friends he acts very childish, but switches again to his charming persona when around fans or other classmates. It was fairly clear that something wasn't right. I wanted to believe it was just inconsistent writing, but one of Furudate's greatest strengths is building characters; I also saw no clear consistency problems with other characters. I believe that Oikawa switches personas depending on what reputation he's trying to uphold. We know Oikawa is insecure at heart, and we see him trying to play it off by being prideful.

If we go back to his fear of being replaced, I find reasonable to believe that Oikawa acts the way he does so that people don't get bored of him. He wants a reputation, because that means people will know about him. Something that is consistent about his personas is that he's very sociable in both. He's childish, loud, and constantly wants attention, or he's always laughing, flirting, and joking. It's almost as if he believes that everybody will find someone new if he doesn't remind them he's still there. He thinks people will get bored of him, so he constantly tries to make sure people stay interested. A lot of people say that Oikawa is too annoying and narcissistic, but he does it because he's afraid people will get rid of him if he doesn't keep their attention.

That also leads to another major part of Oikawa's character. I actually believe this may be the biggest part of his overall character. There's something that sets Oikawa apart from every other character. Regardless of if you like him or not, you can't deny that there's an energy about him that's just different. He's the closest you'll get to an antagonist in Haikyuu, but you also get to see his soft sides. We see the love he has for volleyball and for his teammates. It's strange to see so many different sides of a character. It's also interesting how Ushijima wanted Oikawa join Shiratorizawa. It's understandable, considering Kageyama still hadn't developed and Oikawa was the best setter in the prefecture.

So, the question I always wanted to answer: Why didn't Oikawa go to Shiratorizawa? Yes, the fandom exaggerates it and loves to joke about it, but it was a real question for me at first. Oikawa wanted to go to Nationals, and joining Shiratorizawa would have guaranteed it. Best ace and best setter in the entire prefecture on one team? They would blow the competition away. It would have been much easier if Oikawa had indeed swallowed his pride and joined Shiratorizawa. However, it seems that it wasn't necessarily about all about "worthless pride". Of course it was a factor, but Oikawa wouldn't let his pride get in the way of his dreams; he's smarter than that.

It was then that I started to notice a recurring pattern with Oikawa. He's a direct opposition to the main characters. He refused to join a powerhouse team for an easy ticket to Nationals. He uses his personal strengths to improve instead of being upset over what he doesn't have. Oikawa is an incredibly unique character because of his sheer will to do things the way he wants. Oikawa is a setter; he's a control freak, but in a less direct way than Kageyama. He doesn't force everyone to adapt to him, yelling, "You better follow me!" Rather, he goes his own way and says, "Follow me if you dare."

He carves his own path, regardless of what others say. Seijoh was destined to lose from the beginning. Furudate loves symbolism in Haikyuu. Notice how every national level school is represented by an animal? The mighty eagle of Shiratorizawa, the wild crow of Karasuno, the clever cat of Nekoma, the soaring owl of Fukurodani? What does Aoba Johsai have? A castle. Aoba Johsai translates to Blue Castle. While the other teams fight, jump, and soar, Aoba Johsai is beautiful, strong, and reliable, but they will never fly. It was almost as if Oikawa went to Aoba Johsai simply to prove he didn't need Ushijima to go to Nationals. Looking at it like that, it indeed makes it look like Oikawa refuses to go to Shiratorizawa out of pride. However, I like to see it as more than that.

First of all, Oikawa's greatest wish was to defeat Shiratorizawa in order to go to Nationals. OIKAWA DOES NOT SETTLE. He refuses to settle for only half his dream. Maybe it's too prideful, but it would invalidate the years of hell he put himself through trying to accomplish it. It was like Ushijima was telling him, "Hey, you tried your best, didn't you? You can't beat me, and all your years of work are for nothing. Just join us and give it up." It was insulting to him. Oikawa's sheer perseverance was what got him where he was. He took everything the world threw at him and threw it right back. Suddenly, it all stops and he's offered an olive branch of sorts. The world doesn't offer everything he wants, but it's something. Just enough to get him to stop fighting back.

Oikawa wants all or nothing when it comes to his passions. It's risky, maybe not a very smart decision, but that's just who he is.He doesn't want the olive branch; he wants the whole damn tree. Oikawa wants to look at Ushijima, to scream from the top of the world, and tell everybody who didn't think he could make it, "I DON'T NEED YOU." He wants to show people they were wrong. No, he's not a genius, but he doesn't need to be one. He wants to follow his dreams his own way or he doesn't want it at all.

Second of all, Oikawa wanted to go to Nationals with Iwaizumi. Oikawa and Iwaizumi were together their entire lives. They played, they laughed, they cried, they won, they lost, but they were always together. Oikawa needs Iwaizumi specifically because he trusts that he'll never be dispensable to his best friend. Iwaizumi is his support, the way he grounds himself when things are too much. Oikawa and Iwaizumi want to go to Nationals together. It's not some fantasy they conjured up; it's their childhood dream. Oikawa wouldn't be willing to let go of that. Again, Oikawa refuses to settle. He wants to lead a team to Nationals with his partner, or he doesn't want it at all.

Oikawa was willing to risk everything. He wanted to go all in. Maybe it was wrong, and maybe it was just worthless pride. Regardless, it shows us his unparalleled passion for the sport. He deserved so much better than what he got, but life isn't fair. Haikyuu shows us that. It's almost discouraging to see Oikawa lose. If you look at it, between Oikawa and Kageyama, Oikawa is actually the underdog. Kageyama is the genius player and Oikawa just tries his best. Haikyuu is an underdog story, but sometimes the roles are not as we think.

(⚠️!!SPOILERS FOR THE LAST CHAPTER!!⚠️)

When Oikawa is seen as the "final boss" as the official setter of Argentina's Olympic team, it's the cherry on top to confirm what type of character he is. THIS MAN WAS SO DAMN PETTY AND DETERMINED TO FOLLOW HIS DREAMS THAT HE IMMIGRATED TO A DIFFERENT HEMISPHERE. He was so determined to make his own path that he made a name for himself on the other side of the world. He was virtually unknown, and had to start from scratch all again. What happened? He actually did it, and now he's the main focus of his team. I have such a ridiculous amount of respect for Oikawa. The determination that man has is unparalleled.

I believe Furidate also uses Oikawa as a model to teach us that, yes, it's discouraging to be surrounded by people better than you, and failure is inevitable. However, it you can use those failures as a lesson to improve yourself, and if you stick to your goals until the very end, the world will get tired and it'll work out in the end. Oikawa tells us that it's okay to be bold; he tells us to understand that it takes time to succeed, and you will succeed. He tells us to treasure those who support us, because the trust they have in you is more than you could ever know. In the end, Oikawa really accomplishes his dreams. Maybe Iwaizumi isn't with him, but Oikawa has learned by then how to live without him and vice versa. Instead, he gets to fulfill his promise of defeating him when they face each other.

Oikawa never got to go Nationals, but now he's at Internationals. Now he finally gets to beat Ushijima, Kageyama, and Iwaizumi all in one spot. We don't even get to see the result of the match, which is actually something I love. Oikawa is the only one we know in Argentina; it would be unrealistic to try to decide a winner between the two teams if we don't know the strengths and weaknesses of each player. Regardless, we finally get to see Oikawa get what he deserves. Maybe it will work out for him, and maybe it won't. Something amazing about leaving an open ending is that we get to analyze the characters as we please, and we get to imagine what happens ourselves. It's actually one of Furudate's best pieces of symbolism in the whole series.

Their stories are not over yet. Maybe Oikawa loses again, but he keeps going. Maybe he finally throws the towel. Who knows? Characters are ever changing, but I believe Oikawa will stick to it. Then again, maybe his knee injury will force him to quit. Life is unpredictable, but Oikawa's determination has been constant throughout the whole show. The way he grew as a person, a player, and leader, just enraptured me to no end. Oikawa is one of the most fascinating characters I've ever come across. I don't like picking favorite characters, but I genuinely believe Oikawa is the most well written and complex.

That concludes my 3,000+ word rant/essay about the wonderful anomaly that is Tooru Oikawa. Honestly, there's definitely more that I forgot to incorporate or have not thought of, but this is what I have!! Thank you for reading through all that?? Also, I'm not going to go through that and edit it, so feel free to comment if anything makes no sense :)

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solaninclover · 2 years

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es la tercera vez que me enamoro de alguien

y es la tercera vez que estar enamorada duele

duele, un chingo

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solaninclover · 2 years

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Ven a vivir conmigo. Tendremos todos los libros de poesía que existen en el mundo. Toda la música. Todos los alcoholes que arden en los ojos y corroen el odio. Nos embriagaremos hasta oscilar como seres de una materia fosforescente, y diremos tantos poemas que nuestras lenguas se incendiarán como rosas.

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solaninclover · 3 years

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porque yo no merecía eso y seguiré repitiendolo, yo no lo merecía.

de pronto recordé aquellos días donde tristemente el tiempo pasaba, donde las paredes color amarillo pálido me daban asco, donde la ansiedad marcaba mis nudillos en esas paredes y solo ese dolor reflejado en la sangre que salía de ellos me hacía sentir, donde mis ganas de morir no paraban, donde solo tenía deseos de terminar con todo, noches sin dormir, la almohada empapada de lágrimas de desesperación, de agonía, de dolor y de tristeza.

de pronto recordé mi primer ataque de ansiedad cuando sentía que moría y tuve miedo por primera vez, donde el aire me faltaba y con grandes bocanadas de aire intenté estabilizarme, donde todo el cuerpo me temblaba, donde los pequeños vasos sanguíneos de mis mejillas explotaron dejando un color rosa y morado en ellas.

de pronto recordé todas las canciones que prácticamente retrataban todo lo que sentía sin que yo dijera alguna palabra.

de pronto recordé lo humillante que me sentía por estar deprimida, de lo humillante que me sentía todos los días al llegar a la escuela, de lo humillante que fue que todos supieran mi vida, de lo humillante que era hacer chistes de mi situación y de lo humillante que era que todos me conocieran por ser la niña triste y deprimida, de lo humillante que fue que los maestros sintieran lastima de ello y que siempre me lo recordarán con un "ya pasará, Villarreal", de lo humillante que era ser yo y de lo humillante que era ser catalogada como una estudiante no funcional porque sus problemas mentales no dejaron que la inteligencia saliera a luz.

de pronto recordé lo sola que me sentía, de estar todos los días esperando a que llegarán a preguntarme como me sentía, de estar ideando mil y un cosas pero nunca llevarlas a cabo porque era una cobarde, de esa vez que mi mamá salió y me quedé sola en la casa, cuando casi me encierro en la cocina con las llaves de gas prendidas para asfixiarme pero no pude por ser una cobarde, de la vez que encontré un cuter y solo pensaba en ponerlo contra mi piel.

de pronto recordé cuando empecé a pensar que no era indispensable, cuando pasé a ser un personaje secundario en la vida de mis papás, cuando grite por ayuda de las formas más obvias y no recibí respuesta.

de pronto recordé que invente mil y un cosas para no salir y no ir a la escuela, dolores de cabeza o de estómago, supuestos mareos y náuseas.

de pronto recordé que la única ayuda que recibí fue que mis papas me llevaron a hacer estudios de sangre para que al final todo saliera a la perfección, para que al final no dijera ni una sola palabra de que lo que en realidad sentía, no era físico.

de pronto recordé que todo alimentaba mi depresión, que mi alrededor estaba podrido, desesperanzado, gris, todo el mundo estaba mal, todo.

de pronto recordé las burlas que hicieron sobre mi y mi físico, cuando confirmaron que lo que pensaba sobre mí misma era verdad, cuando se metieron con mi peso y me hicieron creer que ser gorda es sinónimo de recibir burlas y que ser gorda es sinónimo de ser fea, cuando se burlaron en el desayuno familiar de la "falsa depresión" que tenía.

de pronto recordé la primera vez que mi mamá me encontró llorando en la noche y se fue sin decirme nada, se fue sin darme un abrazo, se fue sin intentar calmarme.

de pronto recordé que todo eso y mucho más, me sigue afectando.

que aunque mi depresión no esté diagnosticada, se perfectamente que ha estado ahí desde que tengo 13 años y que nunca ha sido invento nada de esto, que mi dolor nunca fue un juego, se que algo ha estado mal desde que me encontré llorando sin razón aparente en las bancas de la secundaria, preguntándome por qué me duele tanto vivir.

he estado tanto pero tanto tiempo con ello detrás mío torturandome, he estado lidiando con todo ello sola hasta el día de hoy, he intentado estabilizarme cada segundo de mi vida, he estado esforzándome por querer vivir y lo he logrado.

la depresión se ha llevado gran parte de mis días y hoy que estoy a punto de cumplir 19 todavía sigo con todo un pesar.

se que la depresión es una enfermedad y que me va a perseguir por el resto de mi existencia, que habrán días donde recuerde todo eso, que me de miedo volver a caer, que me de miedo volver a todo ello pero ya me he levantado, que eso nunca fui yo, que nunca tuve la culpa, que el desbalance químico no es mi culpa, que todo lo que me hicieron o dijeron directa o indirectamente no es mi culpa, no soy yo, todos mis logros han sido por mi propia fuerza, que mis buenas calificaciones a pesar de estar triste son un gran logro, que mis malas calificaciones durante toda mi secundaria y preparatoria tuvieron un por qué, algo fuera de mis posibilidades, que a pesar de que me compararon con la excelencia, yo tengo y siempre tuve mi propio brillo, que doy cosas bellas, que soy demasiado, que aquellos que me compararon realmente no sabian lo que hacían, soy mucho, di y sigo dando mucho, no merecía lo que viví pero gracias a ello puedo vivir de alguna forma sin repetir los mismos errores, que actualmente sí hay gente que me quiere genuinamente, que por fin puedo decir que no estoy sola, que sí me caigo, alguien estará ahí para ayudarme a levantarme.

me hicieron odiarme toda la vida pero ya no, es hora de darme una nueva vida, una vida en la que nada de esto existió, en donde yo soy mi prioridad, donde yo soy lo más importante de mi mundo.

porque yo no merecía eso y seguiré repitiendolo, yo no lo merecía.

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solaninclover · 3 years

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Sinceramente hace unas semanas después de haber atravesado por algo que creí que era "amor", ahora me doy cuenta que realmente solo estaba convenciendome a mi misma sentir algo por alguien más, tal vez fue porque quería atención o incluso por puro aburrimiento pero esa experiencia solo se quedó en eso, nada real, nada que pudiera hacerme emocionar al recordarlo.

He estado trabajando mucho en mi, me estoy dando todo lo que en años pasados nunca me di; tiempo amor, cuidado, cariño y un fin de cosas que se supone que me tuve que haber dado. Por eso mismo sentía que no necesitaba de alguien más e incluso llegué a pensar con miedo que probablemente nunca lo volvería a hacer. Fue entonces que respiré y recordé tu voz, tu rostro y tu persona.

Sinceramente aún no tengo claro que es esto que siento por ti, no sé si es una clase de admiración o si en verdad está llegando a sentimientos más profundos. Solo se que eres tú esa persona quien en este momento está causando revueltas dentro de mi.

Se que somos muy superficiales el uno con el otro, hablamos de cosas muy banales y hemos estado riéndonos de la vida, pero la realidad es que a pesar de ser cercanos, yo no conozco muchas cosas de ti y de las pocas cosas que sé de ti hablando en un sentido más profundo y más allá de lo que puedo ver, es gracias a que lo he escuchado de otros lados o incluso para alimentar mi propia curiosidad. Siempre he querido saber más y más de ti pero que todo eso salga de tu persona, quiero ver en carne propia la sensibilidad que ocultas, quiero ver tu lado sentimental, quiero escuchar todo tu dolor, quiero poder abrazarte y quisiera que tú puedas mantenerte en mis brazos con toda seguridad y confianza, quisiera poder ser alguien más para ti, ese alguien a quien le puedas confiar la vida que nunca le confiaste a nadie por miedo.

El sábado pude observar con más claridad tu rostro, tienes unas largas pestañas y en los extremos de tus ojos hay pequeñas marcas rojas, tus párpados caídos hacen que tus ojos se vean de vez en cuando, algo cansados. El color es de un café claro con pequeñas luces verdosas a la luz, y en tu mejilla izquierda tienes algunos lunares que se me hacen muy lindos. Al parecer has dejado crecer un poco más tu barba y tus labios como los vi, estaban muy secos. Tu sonrisa como siempre, la dejas notar sin ninguna pena.

Ese momento en el que pude observar los detalles de tu rostro fue muy pequeño pero al recordarlo es como si me hubiera quedado viéndote por un largo pedazo de tiempo.

Me siento algo penosa al recordarlo ya que es la primera vez que puedo observar con claridad y con tanta admiración el rostro de alguien, reconocer los detalles y ver la belleza de cada uno de ellos.

Al pasar del día estuve muy cerca de ti y ya con un poco de alcohol en mi sistema pude aclarar más y más que lo que estoy sintiendo por ti.

En un momento de la noche empecé a platicar sobre mis sueños y pude notar el interés que pusiste al verme platicar de todo eso, mi corazón puede repetir ese instante en el que estabas sonriendo mientras yo veía a lo lejos la luna, como si le estuviera hablando a ella y olvidándome de lo demás. Y así como estoy segura de que pusiste atención a mi sueño, me hace muy feliz acordarme que tu siempre has puesto atención a todo lo que he dicho.

Es la primera vez que escribo de ti desde que empezaron estos sentimientos por ahí de octubre del año pasado y realmente es la primera vez que no quiero dejarlo pasar y contarte lo que está pasando dentro de mí corazón. Sea amor, sea admiración, sea lo que sea, lo estoy sintiendo y esto es totalmente real. Ya no quiero callar lo que siento porque de esto vivo y me hace sentir viva.

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solaninclover · 3 years

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Dentro de lo que cabe, ya estoy mejor y ya puedo controlar mejor mi situación. Ayer me di cuenta que por más consciente que estés de tu proceso, lo que tienes que trabajar, por más que estés consciente de tu felicidad, la depresión es un caso clínico y no va a desaparecer así como así.

Sinceramente siempre quise evitar a toda costa los medicamentos, pase todos estos años intentando arreglarmelas yo sola para ver si aprendiendo de todo esto podía cambiar y tomar las riendas del asunto, pero inclusive estando en lo más alto de la estabilidad, sigo sintiéndome de esta forma.

Quizás debería ir a un psicólogo o a un psiquiatra porque darme cuenta que la depresión es mucho más grande que mi felicidad, mi estabilidad y mi progreso, me rompe totalmente.

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solaninclover · 3 years

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文豪ストレイドッグス「第16章」

Bungou Stray Dogs (Capítulo 16)

Entre tanto dolor, entre tanto sufrimiento, entre tanta búsqueda... no encontrarás el valor, el sentido y mucho menos la felicidad eterna.

Creemos que podemos encontrar el sentido en las pequeñas cosas, creemos que algun día podremos alcanzar la felicidad, creemos que algún día tendremos derecho de vivir plenamente pero la realidad es otra.

Cegados del deseo por encontrar este, buscamos cosas y acciones que nos hagan sentir momentáneamente; creemos que aferrandonos a algo podremos salir de la desolación, del vacío.

¿Acaso dejando atrás nuestro rostro lleno de maldad y pecado, podremos tener el derecho de vivir?

"¿Estás seguro de que no habrías podido cambiar?"

"Es posible que hubiese podido. Tal vez hubiese sido capaz de cambiar mi forma de vida."

La vida está repleta de arrepentimientos. A pesar de ser almas perdidas que terminaron con un arma en mano, el corazón nunca se equivocó, hubo alguien quien sentía la desolación; entre todo ese dolor, lo único que quedaba era una amistad sincera.

"Tengo un único arrepentimiento. No pude despedirme de mi amigo, del único hombre al que llame amigo en este mundo. Parecía estar cansado del mundo y esperaba la muerte."

"¿Buscaba la muerte cómo yo?"

"No. Era diferente."

No es suficiente aún.

La muerte y la sangre entre las manos, el esfuerzo por pronunciar el último aliento y la mirada yéndose poco a poco. La muerte llegó, la muerte llegó con el propósito de terminar todo, porque en este mundo ya no quedaba nada, un sueño se fue por completo, ya no había nada por lo cual aferrarse y seguir aquí.

Solo quedo un vacío que no podía ser llenado con nada.

Con el último aliento, pudo salvar al único hombre al que llamó amigo en éste mundo. Si ya no quedaba nada, al menos podría redirigir a quien en ese entonces estaba sosteniendo con las manos ensangrentadas, su cuerpo que poco a poco se apagaba. Su único amigo.

"Me dijiste que creías que encontrarías tu razón de ser viviendo en un mundo de violencia y sangre."

"Así es. Pero ¿qué importa eso ahora?"

"No la encontrarás. Ya deberías saberlo bien. Aunque estés del lado de los que matan o de los que protegen, jamás llegarás a algo que no tienes previsto. Nada en este mundo llenará el vacío de tu desolación. Transitarás las tinieblas por toda la eternidad."

"¿Qué debería hacer?"

"Vete al lado de los que protegen. Si ambos lados son iguales, se alguien de bien. Salva a los débiles, protege a los huérfanos... Yo sé que que el bien y el mal no tienen mucho significado para ti, pero se que te hará un poco mejor."

"¿Cómo lo sabes?"

"¿Cómo no saberlo? Lo sé mejor que nadie. Porque... soy tu amigo."

Mi vida se siente como una tormenta, siento el vacío, siento que nada ni nadie podrá contra todo esto. Ni yo misma.

He entendido conscientemente que seguiré sintiendo esto, hasta el día de mi muerte. Se conscientemente que este vacío seguirá en mi corazón, se que entre tanta terapia y tanta medicación, yo me seguiré sintiendo igual. Pero una cosa tengo segura, las últimas palabras de Odasaku me encontraron de alguna forma.

Este capítulo entero representa todo lo que siento y de alguna forma también es una respuesta a ello. La vida seguirá siendo una tormenta, ya lo acepté, mi pasado seguirá atormentandome, ya lo acepté, el futuro me seguirá presionando, eso ya lo sé.

Gracias Odasaku, siempre regreso a este capítulo para escuchar tus palabras, muy dentro de mi corazón, escuche esas palabras y las tomé como una respuesta para seguir viviendo. Sigo sintiendo como como tú estuvieras diciéndome todo eso a mi.

Se que no eres más que un personaje ficticio pero de alguna forma, sigues salvandome.

La gente existe para salvarse a sí misma, ¿eh? En efecto, es así.

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