solargardensystem

[solargardensystem]

My body’s on the line, now

I can’t fight this time, now

I can feel the light shine on my face

Did I disappoint you

Will you still let me over

If I cross the line

[solargardensystem]

Throwback to when my female birth giver got genuinely pissed and somehow made herself the victim when I got anxious and upset that she rearranged my entire room - down to moving furniture to different walls - without my permission when I was gone for a week. She expected me to praise her and be all “thaaaaank youuuu” but I was so anxious I started shaking and she had the nerve to get so upset she told my male birth giver to come in and make me feel guilty for not appreciating all she did for me.

This same female birth giver was a literal licensed counsellor.

[solargardensystem]

I’m just laying here wanting to look up how to help the pain I’m in, but there’s nothing new to learn. I’ve researched every symptom. I’ve seen doctors. I’ve gotten MRIs, CT scans, more blood than I can fathom has been collected. I’ve been poked, prodded, pinched, stuck, and hammered. I’ve tried massage therapy, medication, ace bandages. I’ve tried losing weight and gaining weight. I’ve tried diet changes. I’ve tried reducing specific ingredients that cause flares. I’ve linked disorders together through research. I’ve made lists and lists of every symptom and organized by body part effected. I’ve got print outs of my entire medical history that I have access to. I’ve described pain in muscles and joints down to the specific limbs and phalanges. I’ve researched my own test results for more answers.

I have such painful tension in the bottom of my right foot right now that I’m quite obviously limping. My left shin is mildly uncomfortable. My right knee is in a ton of pain. My hips keep locking up and sliding into positions they shouldn’t be able to go in. My back is in significant pain (8/10) that’s literally only reduced by laying down. My right wrist is flaring and causing parts of my arm and hand to flare as well. My ribs feel extremely bruised and barely touching them causes significant and persistent pain.

I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what to look for. I don’t know how to stop this pain.

[solargardensystem]

This is super random but I just remembered that I taught myself how to get rid of intrusive thoughts by just saying EW over and over again loudly in my mind until it no longer sat there. It’s basically the equivalent of screaming until someone shuts up, which I’ve never done so I’m not sure how I got this to work. Anyways

[solargardensystem]

My specific brand of PTSD, with all of the weird complexities, boils down to never having control until I left home at 19.

I couldn’t control what I thought

My parents thought for me all 19 years

I couldn’t control what I wore

My parents chose my clothes for me for 19 years

I couldn’t control what I learned

My parents chose that for me for 19 years

I couldn’t control what I watched

That was HEAVILY restricted for 19 years

I couldn’t control what I believed

I was told what to believe and expected to for 19 years

I couldn’t control what I practiced

Spiritual practices were decided for me, even if I didn’t agree

I couldn’t control who my friends were

They were often chosen for me OR I wasn’t allowed to hang out with them if they were the opposite gender

I couldn’t control my own room

Every wall hanging, art project, rearrangement was supposed to be pre-approved

I couldn’t control the music I listened to

It was supposed to be 90% Christian

I couldn’t control my finances

They were monitored and connected to my parents accounts

I couldn’t control my vehicle

It was in my parents names

I couldn’t control what I ate

Which led me down a path of anorexia and ARFID

I couldn’t control when other people could touch me

Which led to a lot of uncomfortable instances of forced hugs, assault, and people thinking they have the right to pray over me without consent

I couldn’t control what spy software was installed on my devices

Which made me feel completely unsafe venting to anyone about my issues

I bring this up because I just realized THREE YEARS LATER what I’ve done to work through this. I take back control. Here’s what I’ve done.

Ten signs of childhood trauma:

1. Codependency

To fix, my finances are now MINE. My living situation relies on me and there’s always a plan B. I never let a single thing happen where I don’t at least have 2 backup plans that rely on ONLY me.

2. Need for Validation

Still working on this. I don’t really see it as a bad thing. I need validation but not for every single thing and it’s more of a “am I on the right track” question. I just like to feel appreciated and I don’t need it after every single task.

3. Fear of Abandonment/Rejection

Solved this by cutting everyone I knew out of my life. I was the one abandoning for once, and it very quickly erased my fear of losing certain people. This is a blessing and a curse.

4. Poor/No Boundaries

My boundaries are HARD and FAST now. You cross a boundary one too many times or cross a bad enough boundary and you’re out. Bye bye mf.

5. People Pleasing

Im working on learning the difference between being nice but able to say no and being people pleasing. I love to help and I can still people please when the person is important to me, but I try not to just make everyone happy. Because you can’t. I’ve learned very quickly how to use the word no and let me tell youuuuuuu

6. Needing to Fix Others

I very quickly learned that if I want to fix others I have to fix myself first. And then I got so tired of fixing myself that I realized how much work it was to try fixing others. That killed that quick.

7. Needing to Prove Oneself

Still do this, I haven’t even begun working on this lmao.

8. High Tolerance of Abusive and Toxic Traits

I basically told myself if I was so tired of those things I had to leave home, move across the country, and cut everyone off, I probably shouldn’t just let other people treat me that way again.

9. Hypervigilence

Still working on this. It helps to be very far away from anyone you’d need to look out for.

10. Constantly Attract Narcissistic Friends

I don’t feel like I attract many narcissistic friends, but the ones I attracted/attract get shut down very quickly. Recognize their problematic behaviour early and if they don’t stop, leave them in the dust. Not worth it.

[solargardensystem]

Probably around 6-8 years ago my best friend at the time, Caleb, shared this with me. I was somewhere between 15-17 myself and was extremely suicidal.

I remember reading this and crying, asking how it could possibly get better, and he said he didn’t know, but that it simply would.

This week I’m surrounded by love as we prepare to move. So many people to see, so little time. I get to take silly pictures of Zoe every day and wake up to the love of my life. We watch British baking show and laugh at Noel. I get to actually have an unrestricted relationship with my aunt that I didn’t get to know super well growing up. I’m in college doing what I love, moving to a beautiful area to do what I love for work, and experiencing all of these beautiful moments.

It took more work and pain than anyone will ever know to get to where I am today. As far apart as we may be now, I have Caleb to thank for a lot of it. When no one else knew what was going on, he genuinely kept me alive. The words he said to me when I was at my lowest and didn’t think I could go any further, the encouragement he gave me to stick it out just one more day, the reasons he gave me to not hurt myself… he may never know the time he bought for me to find myself and build the strength to get to where I am now.

Actions speak louder than words and I hope that if he ever sees this, he will know how highly I think of him and how much gratitude I truly feel for him being there for me all of those times.

Back into the crazy world I go 😉

[solargardensystem]

“It couldn’t have been all bad”

It wasn’t. That’s the problem,actually. I won’t let myself believe half the time that I actually was abused because they didn’t ever let me starve, they sort of gave me an education- albeit, a very broken and flawed education-, they occasionally took me to the doctor, they took us to movies and they brought us on family trips. We had good moments, but for every single good memory there are at least 15 bad memories that remind me how I lived in fear for 19 years of my life.

[solargardensystem]

I had The Moment. That is, the moment that they all say will happen when you cut out family members. It genuinely took over three years for it to happen but it did.

I was driving yesterday, thinking about how my husband is related to Ted Bundy (it’s a whole thing, we still get mail addressed to the Bundy Family). Anyways, I was thinking about it and for a split second I thought about how I wish I could tell my dad. I think he would have this perfect combined look of shocked and amused. But like, it’s not worth having my boundaries disrespected, fearing my safety, being gaslit and blamed for everything, and being preached to just to have small moments like that.

The whole reason I’ve stayed no-contact is because I’ve realized that the very, very few and far between good memories and good moments were infinitely surpassed by the moments that left me feeling weak, broken, worthless, small, and angry. Do I wish I could go sand dollar hunting again with my dad in florida? Yes. Would I also put up with the bickering/fighting, surveillance, strict rules, and evangelism? No. No amount of cool seashells could make that life worth it again. No amount of money. No amount of okay moments could make me forget what it was like to cry myself to sleep every night in constant fear of them.

[solargardensystem]

I don’t like the idea of people being “worth” something.

Worth implies money. Same with value. People value objects.

To me it gets into a creepy weird realm like if I’m worth something, what am I worth? And am I worth more than another person? Is another person worth more than me? Are some people more valuable than others? If I’m worth X amount, could someone theoretically buy me?

And then I get into corporate America theology and I’m like oh, wait, people do technically buy me. When I worked at Skechers they basically owned my ass when I was on the clock. When I worked at Ollie’s they owned my ass on the clock. When I worked at Wendy’s they owned my ass on the clock. They bought the right to tell me what to wear, how to act, how to look, and gave a list of things I needed to do while I was there. I was paid to be a robot.

I think the idea of being worth something says that we often place value on things that should not have value. All humans are equally important. Let’s start calling people important. And if they ask why, we then use “because you exist”. Don’t tell someone they’re important because they’re smart. Or funny. Or musical. Because the second they doubt those things, they then doubt their importance. Fuck that.

[solargardensystem]

I don’t like the idea of people being “worth” something.

Worth implies money. Same with value. People value objects.

To me it gets into a creepy weird realm like if I’m worth something, what am I worth? And am I worth more than another person? Is another person worth more than me? Are some people more valuable than others? If I’m worth X amount, could someone theoretically buy me?

And then I get into corporate America theology and I’m like oh, wait, people do technically buy me. When I worked at Skechers they basically owned my ass when I was on the clock. When I worked at Ollie’s they owned my ass on the clock. When I worked at Wendy’s they owned my ass on the clock. They bought the right to tell me what to wear, how to act, how to look, and gave a list of things I needed to do while I was there. I was paid to be a robot.

I think the idea of being worth something says that we often place value on things that should not have value. All humans are equally important. Let’s start calling people important. And if they ask why, we then use “because you exist”. Don’t tell someone they’re important because they’re smart. Or funny. Or musical. Because the second they doubt those things, they then doubt their importance. Fuck that.

[solargardensystem]

My brain is not very black and white except when it comes to trauma-based reactions. When someone reacts negatively, my immediate response is “x action resulted in y emotion from z. Mental note to never do that action around z again. Or possibly anyone?”

Which made me feel absolutely crazy in high school, when I would make those rules in my head every single day for every single bad reaction I got from something, but the rules would change every day. One minute something was okay, the next it wasn’t. One minute it was laughter, the next it was screaming. You can’t follow rules that change like that. It broke me. I was surrounded by eggshells that I wasn’t allowed to crack.

[solargardensystem]

This is some sort of rant slash hot take on a really dumb parenting move.

When parents are not the first to find out about something their kid did and they get livid - I think in a lot of cases it’s not justified at all. For instance, if I had told an adult I was trans before coming out, and my family found out that person knew, they’d be pissed. What does this do?

1. Reminds kids they can’t trust other adults because when they do, bad things still happen.

2. The kid probably doesn’t trust you or they would have told you in the first place. Are you not happy that they found a responsible adult that they could confide in?

3. What gets better with you getting mad about this? It doesn’t change the events, it doesn’t make the kid feel better, it doesn’t make the other adult who DID THE RIGHT THING, I MIGHT ADD, feel any better. It doesn’t even make YOU feel better. All it does is reinforce your child’s idea that you cannot be trusted with personal information.

[solargardensystem]

I did a dumb and I triggered myself and now I have to work through the trigger when I have a school assignment duuuuueeeeeeeee

[solargardensystem]

I learned a month or so ago that being vulnerable doesn’t include telling your trauma story if that’s something you can and do tell everyone. Telling everyone I’ve ever met how horrible my parents were doesn’t equate to being vulnerable. It’s not scary, it’s not hard, it’s not something that I question. However, I do think I finally learned what vulnerability looks like for me. It’s telling the people I love that I love them.

I wrote a letter to my ex slash ex best friend recently and gave it to him explaining how much I love him (platonically) and how much he has meant to me and always will mean to me. I poured my memories and pain and everything I am like I was a watercolor painting into that letter. And I was very afraid to give it to him. I’m afraid to let him know I care. I’m afraid he will think it was selfish to write the letter. Or that I was not being genuine. Or that it was bad timing or inappropriate or really anything else. But at the end of the day. It doesn’t matter. I told someone I loved them. Even if it is to help heal me, there is nothing wrong with saying I love you.

Today I had the guts to message another friend I haven’t had the courage to talk to in several years. No reply from him either, yet, but I realized again that I was scared of his response. What if he’s mad? Or thinks I’m selfish? Or wants nothing to do with me? And again, I reminded myself, it’s not important. Because I told him I loved him. And that’s what matters.

Loving someone vocally is quite difficult. It’s hard to let myself admit that I care, because then I have to process what I truly lost.

[solargardensystem]

Is it mean that it makes me feel better about myself to look at my old classmate’s profiles? Maybe. But they were fake then and they’re fake now, so me and my 20k followers that share the good and bad will just chill over here.

[solargardensystem]

I can’t enjoy life because I’m too focused on the necessary struggle of paying bills and setting myself up for success. But what if something happens and I don’t enjoy what little time I have?

On the bright side, my 12 hours a day working schedule has made it very easy to ignore this and the depression that follows.

[solargardensystem]

Interesting realization today. We always think of trauma as healing in a linear way. I always kind of knew there was going to be ups and downs, where things I thought I’d processed came back, but I didn’t expect it to be completely out of order. It’s not processing age 10, then 11, and so on, it’s processing individual traumatic events as your brain can handle them. Not only that, but because you can’t process your trauma, even the good feelings don’t get processed. When you get to a safe place where you have room to process everything, you have to process not only the super bad traumas, but also the traumas of things that you wanted to happen that never did, and the good things that did happen that you never fully got to emotionally experience. Everything becomes a trauma memory or painful nostalgia because you missed out on the life you were there for.