solasulad

[solasulad]

I don’t know where to start..

Not ready to share what’s been going on, it’s been more than a while. Still strangled by my own thoughts. Still finding distractions to get me by.. still jumping fences 10 feet high.. still.. still I’m trying.

[solasulad]

Opps. Im Back..

Im Alive!!!!!!!!!

Yeah if anyone even cares. 

iF aNyoNe EvEn cArEs... 

[solasulad]

Ayeo My Friend?

Aeeeyooo..

So we’ve been talking kinda on and off as friends... I’d assume..

He’s been wanting to chill with me & ive been giving him run arounds cause the last time we chilled we fucked.. the last time he wanted to chill again I dodged him cause he wanted to fuck..

So.. now 2019 2 years later, after talking to him on social media, he asks me when I’m free to hang.. says he’s doing a video shoot and wants to kick it. Okay nice? I Lowkey like art & don’t want to come across as a groupie.

Said I would be there..

on my way there I got stuck with car problems. My car shut off on me & I was stuck half way downtown seeing him in Chicago...

So I messaged him told him what was up & he’s like okay no worries, said I’d see him that night.. & whew bruh I had a whole plan that night to see 3 different people including him..

1. Link up with Lightskin in the east.

2. Visit him & watch the video shoot

3. See ol girl I met at a bday party..

2 of those plans didn’t work..

Came home took my moms car around 9, met up with ol girl obsessed with boys from my ethnic background..

then messaged him on what time he was down to hang late night.. & I was on my period so I knew I was fucking 😭😂.

I get his address and roll over to his area..

I get there and realize I’m at his house & in his room.. we’re talking about life and society and pretty much self motivational things. He’s playing me his up coming music and I’m in love! But... he’s 2 years younger than me....

So, there’s this moment when he leans in & tells me to come over grabbing my hand putting me on him.. I bounced back and sat on the bed.. didn’t feel comfortable doing anything with him cause 1.. were at his family home.. 2 I’m 2 years older 3... I’m using him for his social circle 😭.

I sit on the bed and we continue our convo.. now the times going into 2 am but switched cause of day light savings and turned 3am. I realize how late it is and go home.

We don’t really talk after that & today I got some free time downtown & message him. He says let’s get coffee and we go down to Q st. And get something to drink. We chat and talk, pick at each other’s brains and just chill. We give off a vibe of just friends and that feels so good. I want more guy friends but I don’t know. I feel like younger they are the less likely I’ll fuck them. 🤷🏾‍♀️

Probably won’t be seeing him due to the rejection that night but hey. I just want a friendddd tired of fucking with these lame niggah baby I just need some friends!!!

🤷🏾‍♀️🤷🏾‍♀️ almost set myself up there but luckily I was on my period 😭

[solasulad]

Hello March.

I’m not going crazy am I?

Like I’m not going crazy pls tell me that.

After sending me meme and snaps making it back to a reg.. I’m realizing wtf,

Asked me what I was doing today? Now wtf. You want to smoke with me huh.... lmao nah I can’t get myself hurt. Asking me who’d i smoke with last night.. lol nah I can’t.. I don’t even smoke like that but i know this game your playing. We aren’t friends until you break it off with your girl friend then maybe I’ll consider being a friend.

We aren’t friends regardless, You literally dashed me to the side until your girl left. Now she’s gone, you wanna send me memes and try to see what’s new in my life wow. Pathetic as fuck. I’m on social media being active. Showing my beautiful face for once getting comfortable with my skin. No judgment concerns or haters can burst my bubble. But I know you see me glowing.. it’s tough I’d admit, but you aren’t mines i was okay with that. But then you went ahead and took the whole friendship with you. That’s why I can’t be friends....or fuck you...

On some real shit, I gotta stop. Yesterday was Tuesday & he was kinda messaging me in the morning.. and I felt like if he had asked me to hang I would’ve dropped what I was doing to hang with him. I can’t do this to myself again. I know I know, I’m a fucking dumb ass and what I wrote above probably makes no sense.. but the truth is I really need help.. I really need a sense of self determination & figure out what my thing is. I got so used to him for a month and a half helped me move on from another guy I was seeing... two guys if I’m being correct, but I just liked the vibe & being able to kiss in public. Idk why but that felt good.. so now after being taken away that comfort I was left alone.. I was left hurt and alone, the person i would normally message was ignoring me as it seems.. the person who’d send me memes or come by my area to smoke up wasn’t even watching my stories.. but he was posting pictures of him and his girl.. so that hurt... I felt like I wasn’t even a second choice.. I felt like... he was using me for my time and comfort until his the one he wanted came.

And it’s true I was being used. He stripped me down naked and read my body and mind. He explored the unknown parts of my inner soul. I don’t think I’ve ever shown a guy I was fucking who I truly am as person.. he saw my thought process and blah blah blah...

I could keep going on about how much shit I showed him but I shouldn’t. He told me “enjoy your day” yesterday and that hurt.. kinda thinking about unfollowing him? But tbh I can kinda manage. I won’t see him or text him. I’ll just send those memes that’s it. I won’t even snap him thirst snaps. I’m over having to feel like a second choice. Please come remove this negativity from my life! JESUS CHRIST!

Friday March 8th.

It may just be back and forth with this one. He’s slick super slimy! After he told me enjoy your day Wednesday, I just went into a whole thirst/showing face on snap and insta. Singing jhene & all.me posted those stories surprisingly got replies from multiple ppl. That was Wednesday, yesterday I get a message from him around 11 asking what’s up.. I was busy the whole day wasn’t really on my phone, so when I got the chance it was around 4pmish. The convo went short cause i was just being straight telling him to focus on himself and his goals this year. Said he can’t travel to the states aka he can’t visit his girl.. I don’t care tbh just told him do you this year. That was around 5jsh or so.

I was eating cultural food around 10pm so I sent him a video of me enjoying the food jokingly.

Then the topic changed to me saying he’s ate nastier things before.. he said my pussy jokingly. Told him he went back for rounds then told him how I saw him dip his fingers in me and put it in his mouth... the put it in mines. So.. asks me how’d it taste told him like chocolate..

anyways He kept going with the convo, and it was getting sexual but I kinda stopped it. Then he asks about my hair and if I dyed it, colours going back to it’s own.. this all happened Thursday night, since he told me to have a good day Wednesday & those snaps got to him. Shit it got to everyone on my account.

So he says he’s going to bed & that’s that..

Friday, I wake up throw on whatever and go to school, no make up or anything cause I have ache & need to rest. Had plans through the night but got caught up with the paper I had to stop myself.

Then he messages me around 3 ish asking what I’m doing, tell him paper & he’s like come chill at abels tonight, told him can’t.. then before even sending that, he’s like we could chill before or after going to his place? I’m like what? To myself! He’s like a quicky?? Hold up. I told him hold up!

That I should roast him 1, second I’m seeing someone -_- that his privileges are over.

Then he’s like oh wow that’s awkward. Said why didn’t I tell him? & that we fucked last month feb? I’m like i was horny what else?

So end the convo off like we still homies.

Friday ^ Saturday he sends me a snap, of him smoking at Abel’s place. I spend a snap then ask him what he’s doing for the night and come to shisha with a friend. He’s like he’ll ask abel if he’s down -_- okay.. then tells me they went out last night & are hung over... aka thinking Abel said nah & the location was prob to far. So then, I’m like okay he said he’ll hit me up.

I was on my period for that week, was horny as fuck and even considered giving him head. But I don’t know what’s wrong with me...

Today - now today’s Monday March 11th..

I went to school, in class sending him a snap, with the caption really small - let me suck your dick 🥵”

Sent that and he opened it, but didn’t reply to it. Don’t know if he read it cause it was in small print.. & the video was short.. but.. WHY DO I WANT TO SUCK HIS DICK 😭😭

WHY DO I WANT TO?!

Man I told him I was seeing someone.. making an excuse to get out of that fuck buddy relationship feeling hurt cause he has a girl friend.. now I’m going back and initiating the whole fucking problem.... I don’t know man..

we’ll find out if I’m a hoe or not..

[solasulad]

Dead A lot Inside.

Well.. Im starting to think its a seasonal depression. 

Cause i can't think of anything else to save me from ending my life at this point.

I don't even want to think about family because their the reason I'm feeling this way. i don't want to think about school because I'm told i won't amount to nothing outside these walls.

I don't want to be alive and i feel it every time i close my eyes. 

Is it a seasonal depression? Will summer help me drift from this feeling? What can i do to increase my chances of survival? Someone tell me.. 

Is life worth living? Is all this pain and headache worth living for? 

I don't know and i don't think so.. Im stuck off reading week right now, and this just goes to show how alone i am, and how unappreciated my life is. 

I’ll find out if theres something worth holding on to, cause last year it was a guy, but he just broke me into different pieces i never thought could be broken. 

[solasulad]

Patiently Waiting.

Feb 24th.

Should I feel some way?

I can’t remember what the hoe in me last once said.

I’m tryna bounce between feeling okay and feelings like shit.

I never felt any more than how i originally felt...

he was here and she was there. He wants her but he sex’s me.

So I ask my self? Is that okay? I wanted the sex. Nothing more than the sex..

But when I realized that she was in the city.. and seen those picture of them together it actually hit me, like damn. Okays

But then I think about all of December and Jan.. why?

Anyways, I couldn’t even cry but I felt like my heart was broken. I felt sad but no tears.. just one, but that’s all.

I had way more confidence in myself before i realized she was still in the city.... I had way more confidence in myself before my birthday.

If I knew this is how my year would have started last year I would’ve laughed. I thought I was better than that? I never not once EVER saw myself as being the other women...

I sang about the weekend and sza so much but I guess I’m not really strong.

I can’t share a human being... that’s when that human being pushes me to the side and doesn’t acknowledge me for a week or two until he was sex.

Anyways it’s dead. Yah yah I was cool with just fucking but you jumped the whole fence with not messaging me even as a friend. I sent you a snap and you reply with a video that’s it.

Nah and don’t get it twisted I never subliminal send snaps towards you buddy. I’m done with you, I see your attempt on trying to keep me around but.. I’m not yours to keep.

Went two weeks without talking to you or snapping you, memes to nothing. Then.. now..

You have the audacity to send me a meme on insta of someone speaking in my language? Really? This the game we playing. I told myself i wouldn’t snap or message you back.. I sent a meme back to see how you’d act hours later.. & there we go.. you pick up the convo like we friends again. Lol bye Joshua.

Your girl friends cute, keep her. Just leave me alone and if you see me in the city please ignore me. That’s all I want.

Even messaged your cousin... cause I was tryna be nice and keep my social circle big, but that was weak of me. Just leave me alone and go on with life thnx.

[solasulad]

Most of these things I don’t want to say..

Feb 22nd

Neighbour

Neighbour

Neighbour... smh

Like real shit i don’t know what to expect from you.. it don’t feel right, it doesn’t feel like you understand my point of view either.

We met Monday feb 18 during the day time.. and well.. I literally didn’t want to go into anything. Just wanted us to “talk” about YOUR feelings and emotions.. but you flipping it on me? I don’t get that... you flipped it on me made me feel like I was the be who initiated this whole thing. That got me fucked up.

Anyhoo, didn’t want to get into any sexual activities with him because I wasn’t sure if I had gotten anything from josh.. still aren’t sure.. but he kept trying and fucking trying.. like he gave me head... & I was just laying there like 🙄 told him to go harder.. suck harder... and he just stops asking me if I came... NO NIGGER! I did not come... I’ll tell you when i come! Stupid ass. He gets off like... then I just pree hm putting the seat back.. in just looking at him & he’s getting comfortable for head but who said?? I just rolled my eyes and then gave him head. Keeps saying I’m going ghost yah, buddy..

long story short, he got head & then left.. I don’t want to associate with him anymore. I just want to start fresh with myself and he’s just too weird.

Feb 28,

Haven’t spoken to him since that day. Thought about messaging him the day later but I just don’t want to place myself in that situation. I just left it as it is.

[solasulad]

All alone.

I got something to tell you

But don’t know how imma say it

I guess that I could only say one thing...

Girl I been bad again..

Girl I been bad again.

I start off the new year still doing the same things. Crazy how months go by quickly now even days just flying by. Next you know it I’m going to be 30 still thinking like a 25 year old.

I know I said whatever happens happens & im still sticking to that but now it’s like whatever attraction I had towards josh is gone.

He messaged me Monday asking me link.. I flipped on him cause 1. It was snowing like crazy and my car was stuck. 2. Giving head with no fucking? Are you dumb?

So I flopped. Stayed in and that’s that. He asked me when I would be done my period told him Wednesday and okay cool.

We been messaging each other kinds on insta but not snap. He messaged me again Wednesday and I was at school / couldn’t link because My car was stuck & I had to shower and do all types of fuckery. But I flopped again and it got hostile on his ends, he’s like wish you told me sooner, damn.. etc turning me off like I’m not the one going back and forth from my ends, looking for a spot? Having a car? Worrying about family? If it was his car or going to his ends yah I’d be sorry but nah. You didn’t even leave you place don’t move ways. Then says to me “I can’t do late nights” like wow okay? Whole point is sneaking around.. I’m not tryna be seen with you in the day light goof.

So that was Wednesday night. He said tomorrow & I said yah w/e like flipping ain’t in my blood.

So comes Thursday... Valentine’s Day? 😂

So.. he messages me around 4pm and I’m like okay. He comes by the area perfect timing cause my fams were busy. He comes thru and we drive over to back of a shopping plaza.

He gets the condoms and we jump in the back.

He’s all talkative now and giggly & im just looking at him like why?

He asks if I was head but I already went down to give him some. I stop wipe my hand off and he gives me a little ass lick not even a minute & he’s off... I look at him like huh? He’s like let me put the condom on -_- so.. then he’s going in I’m telling him slow down!!!

He’s going in now a bit deeper and I’m saying it hurts stop, this guy has the nerve to tell me to shh... LOOOOOL woooow.

I really wanted him to stop I was spazzing down there felt it hurting every thrust.

So he’s going and I guess I relaxed cause it kept going but it was painful. Like I’m talking Andre painful. He kept going & I came i guess.. he comes shortly after me and sits down.. gets ready for another round n I look at him like wtf. You can’t even last a second round what you doing? So he puts the second condom on & goes in again, he’s doing his thing but gets tired. I’m like maybe switch positions? I try to sit on top by my legs give in plus this nigger wasn’t even helping me he was literally just sitting there. Smh

So I get off and then we switch back to the first position but he goes soft on me. Like why want a round two if you can’t last? As he’s about to put it in he’s like my girls coming to the city next week.. I’m looking at him like wow you really just said that while your naked on top of me? I’m like okay? Laughing like your girls coming he’s like yah but nvm..

You already fucked up my pussy so I don’t get it. Then he pulls out and starts digging in me with his hand as I was coming and moving around like a warm at this point. I’m scratching myself idk what the fuck was going on but it didn’t feel good.

He backs off of me and I just kinda lay there tryna catch my breath.

I put on my pants and top while he’s still getting dressed, and look over at him like you good? He throws everything away, and then jumps in the front. As I’m pulling off I guess someone brought up the reasons he fucks with me. I said something like you dumb, “ion want us to be catching feelings” in a baby voice he laughs and I’m like your girls coming huh, he’s talking to me like a niggah at this point saying “yah man she’s coming next week, no snaps no texts none of that” laughing. Lol I’m like alright thinking to my self about to say “I’m the side chick damn” but I didn’t say that. So I just kept quite and drop him off. He has story’s for says and I’m just unimpressed with his whole character at this point. I drop him off go get what I was supposed to for my mom and kept laughing to myself like “my man is my man is your man is hers too.” Or laughing thinking he loves you but fucks me.

Anyhoo, it would be fun to have him as a friend during the summer cause that’s when shits popping but idk. No more sex. We.... nah I told him two times that it was the last fuck... but he still wants sex.. I know I’m no angel cause I slid into his dms but whatever I don’t have any concerns.

Now...

The neighbour..

He’s been messaging me to kick it, but when I say I’m down he switches it up and says let’s get a room. I told him let’s just talk? But he’s tryna get a room & that just kills my vibe.

Told me he dreamed about me again, and that I was cooking for him all lovey dovey.

I’m down to kick it but I can’t be with him more than whatever we are which is neighbours. His dick is small & besides that his communication skills are whack. He thinks I’m pulling back and being rude / which I am but not intentionally. I’m doing this so he doesn’t latch on and try even harder but it’s fucked up. When we first started hanging he was trying to get over another girl.. I helped him but that back fired now cause he’s into me. Are parents don’t like each other, we share the same drive way, my older brother dislikes you & the area politics. I just can’t.

If I’m going to meet someone from the same back ground I rather meet a stranger than someone who went to the same school or area as me. He wanted to hang yesterday Valentine’s Day saying he wanted to do some sweet stuff and spend it with me but really? I don’t know what to expect from him but I know I’d be in a room or car having him confess his feelings / emotions and me counselling him. I can’ttttt & I shall notttt.

Ha whatever tho. He messaged me today saying “that’s all you have to say one word?”

I never replied but.. I feel bad in a way too. I’ll see if I can see him today and then just talk it out. I don’t mean no harm but school got me fucked. Sex got me fucked. My Pussy hurt 😞

Lol but side note I never got that Valentine’s Day text from Rivon I would get 3 years in a row 😞😔😔 I was waiting for that text. Lmao

[solasulad]

Pull Out Game Strongaz

I got my period yesterday afternoon in the most saddiest way possible. 😔

Friday afternoon sitting in class, I got a meme message from josh... & that morning I rubbed one out so I was already horny throughout the day..

I send him a message “you ever wanna link up again?”

He replied for sho & what time.. we make plans to link up after class and before he leaves to his friends..

But then, after class ended at 5 I got into the washroom and see my period waving at me like a whore I am.

I was sooooo devastated! I didn’t even know how to message him cause shit I started the convo wanting to initiate the sex.

I message him told him what happened he said it’s okay. 🥴😔 then I offer to give him head..

I already know I’m a horny ass bitch when I’m on my period, like fuck. I did the same shit with Mo.de when we would hang and I was on my period. I’m too horny..

So I offer head he says nah it’s okay, I say you sure and he’s like nah, he wants head but.. so idk what happens after. I get home around 6ish and he gets home same time around me. It’s traffic always in my ends and I wouldn’t leave to his cause I’m done driving that far. Idk what he thought I would come to his ends? But we agree for tomorrow. Aka today..

He sends me a text I say I’m caught up with fams and then we agree for tomorrow. Some sloppy toppy head. He’s like bet. Now... I’m not gonna message him.. idk what happened to him last night but not one single meme came in my direction all day today & it’s only 8:47 pm right now.

So.. I’m not gonna message him but feel like maybe something happened? Maybe he talked with his boy or whatever and he got some advice? Yeah he’s tryna be a good person and shit but tbh I don’t care you grabbed me in the club and whispered in my ear. I was only looking that’s it. First time I saw you an second time I chills with you.. I was only looking. I can’t control how I am when you lead on the situation. I’m a freak, a goof, a airhead, a sex appeal, the thirst is real but I never initiated anything.

You already know what I taste like and feel like, maybe I should just dip? Cause as much as I want to wait till summer comes it’s just soooo hard. What’s going to happen? When summer comes we’re gonna fall off regardless. So maybe I should ignore you? Or maybe I should just delete you? You don’t owe me anything in life nor any explanations... but don’t make me feel like a second choice, don’t make me feel like I’m the one who’s coming to you seeking your attention.. don’t..

Mug takes time & well.. I know myself to delete you off right now and not be bugged.

I’ll leave you. I’ll leave you as is.

I won’t message you tomorrow or send you meme. I won’t Snapchat you or even go on your page.

Now if he messages me tonight... it’s too late... he should’ve kept a convo going earlier in the day to deserve some sort of “reward” but he didn’t..

If he messages me, I’ll gladly decline.. only reason why I wanted to give him head was the attraction I had towards him. But that’s all just dropping at this point.

8:56pm on a Saturday Night.

[solasulad]

Two Weeks Worth.

Feb 1st recap

And I can’t believe the lies that I went though

Thought you where mine but you decided to be with him tho

You took my feelings and just through them out the window

Feels like it’s too hard to fall in love again no

On some nights like this shorty I can’t help but think of us

I been reminiscing simply missing ya

Can you tell me what’s with all this distance love?

If I call would you pick it up?

On some nights like this i just want to text you but for what?

You gon say you want me then go switch it up.

Just gon play with my emotions just because..

You gon get my hopes high boy.

How am I feeling?

I cried my eyes out last night because of josh. (Jan 26)

Did a 13 hour shift and closer to 9ish I messaged him asking how he was with his girl? And he replied back saying that

“I decided to say with her and see how things go, I don’t want to ruin anything because of our anniversary and that would break her. So I’m just going with the flow”

I read that message at work and sink in my seat. I felt bad all over again. Like wow.

I don’t know what i was expecting with him tbh. Like he fed me the idea that he was unhappy with his girl, and that’s what i kinda took and ran with it.

I cried so much last night, both eyes tearing when i normally cry form my left only.

I felt my chest getting heavy and my breathing was barely there. Like I was hurt bad. Then i started thinking about all the other guys who’ve put me last.

He wants to protect her and her feelings okay, but also look at mine, I had sex with you, I hung out with you, I make stupid moves and showed you who I was.

I shouldn’t be catching feelings but, once you been shown something that feels so good it’s kind of hard to forget about it.

I asked myself this question last night:

When are these guys going to look at me and see me. When are they going to be like damn I really hurt her. When? Cause I’m giving up at this point.

Even hair.

I went to see him Thursday Jan 26 @ night. Had back and forth messages through text. I made plans to see him Thursday at 6.. but I was running late and there was traffic.. he asked me to come by his ends.. okay.. but when I got there he was in a white van, light tints, parking in an open space.. so i was kind of shocked how low he thought of me. He said he couldn’t hang up the call cause he was on a conference “meeting” call.. so he put it on mute and fucked me right there in the open space next to a church. I felt disgusted with myself afterwards. Like I can’t believe I allowed myself to want that.. met up with Marisa after that didn’t tell her it was Thursday we had sex but told her we fucked Wednesday. I feel no ways towards hair at this point either, cause josh was bigger than him but also how he didn’t care tbh. Like you finger me that’s just it. He doesn’t even eat. And I was doing the most on his dick. Like the fucking most deep throating it, back and forth holding it there for a bit then going on. I don’t even know if he came from head cause he switched me over like 5 mins into it. We fucked, I felt space between his dick I think I got bigger but 🤷🏾‍♀️.

Spoke about josh with Marisa she says he’s a pussy. Which he is. Didn’t tell Marisa about hair cause she would look at me crazy.

Who wouldn’t look at their friend and think of them as a thot or hoe? After fucking a guy in a open space next to a church? Damn.

Feb 7th cont. recap

It’s been 2 weeks so far since I fucked hair..

Didn’t speak to him afterwards or anything, after I left the car he asked me a question saying basically how I want sex but I don’t get it as much as I want. Told him yah and something along the lines of I got a guy but my sex drives on high lately... idk wtf I said but when I left that car I had no intentions of linking him up again.

Josh.

After crying my eyes out, our snap streak died. I also decided to just let it be. I worked that pervious night on the 27th of Jan. So we been just sending memes on insta and Snapchat was pretty dry, on Sunday feb 2nd he has the nerve to message me a snap with 1 second.. I was busy doing school work and replied back along the lines of “you sending 1 second snaps might as well send a nude cause I can’t see shit” so.. he send a dick video.. I sent back a twerking vid (someone I sent to hair) and then.. that was it. He saved the video and nothing else. I went to sleep woke up seen a meme and we never spoke about the video afterwards.. that following week, he messages me saying come by his place and we can go swimming. Uhm.. I did want to go but honestly.. it’s just conflicting cause I’d be holding myself back knowing he has a girl and wants to fuck. So I just lied and said I was busy. On Wednesday night that week, the fuck it in me went thru but instead it was just to “kick it” didn’t bring a bathing suit, went there just to smoke and leave it as is. We smoked in his parking lot basement, felt that all over again, he was talking about my body telling me i got thicker, i just wanted to hang as friends but honestly we could’ve, but i felt his vibe and I left. Now I’m high as fuck and went home. He sends me a message asking when is he gonna see me again. I told him when the weather ain’t shit & that convo died.

Fast forward now to second week of February..

Past Monday he sent a snap with 👀 eyes.

I replied back wassup? He’s like I’m tryna see you.. alright, bam.. I was on the phone with Valentina and then replied back saying what you wanna do? He’s like you... so I let the convo go until he said he wanted to fuck. I paged him saying “you confusing as fuck, don’t be saying one thing and do another” he replied back saying sorry and alright. So fucking short and quick. Wow. I was on the phone with vale during that time and then later on in the night I sent him a snap saying “I just wanna fuck no confusion just fuck?” And he replied back saying the same thing.. then told me to pull up it was like 10 ish at night or so I had shit to do the next morning told him nah can’t but tomorrow...

Now fast forward to yesterday aka Tuesday feb 5.. he messages me in the evening around 5ish saying he finishing up with his lawyer, told him come by my ends. He comes by my ends but I’m paranoid cause my older bros out and i don’t want him seeing me. I pick him up from the station with the quickness. Ended up just driving down the Main Street all the way until I reached downtown. Smh my dumb ass was literally in the heart of the city and I didn’t know what to do. So the car ride was pretty chill we just talked about nothing pretty much. His girl friend wasn’t brought up, his feelings wasn’t brought up but he kept saying things like you cute, sexy ass. Etc to show he was into me. I went in dressed as a niggah. No make up, hair tied back, black sweats and a grey hoodie. Wtf am I looking cute for tryna get some dick?

Anyways. We leave downtown go to a park next to the lake and smoke. The ground is filled with Ice and I’m sliding all over the place in my A1’s. smh. We smoke it’s pretty outside but cold a fuck, we get back in my car & I think the biggest mistake I did that night was giving him the keys to my car. I was high but fuck, I should never allowed him to drive. He drove back to his ends and we said fuck it went into his parking basement and fucked right there. I gave him some head and then said it was time to fuck, he goes in to put it in and I’m like where’s the condom??????!!!!!! He said he didn’t have one and forgot when we went to 7/11.. smh he said he’ll pull out but I was so scared then he went in to give me head tryna get me wet.. like wow this guy is a fucking goof, he knows what he’s doing. After I said I was kinda iffy he went in to get me horny.. smh

We fucking how he’s going in hard and I’m digging my nails into his thigh, I’m pretty sure I left marks.. he pulls out and I felt a drip. He asks me to finish him off by giving him head so I go in. I’m sucking it deep throating it until he says that it’s painful.. okay, so I’m just sucking the tip and moving my hands with his dick.. he kept saying “oh shit” and I didn’t know what was going on thought I was hurting him but after I pulled up he told me he came.. wtf I swallowed it and I didn’t even know?? Kinda disrespectful tbh, like let me know when you coming so I can catch it. Anyhoo, I swallowed and sat up, he said that this was the short amount of sex he had but the most intense ever, lol okay? We leave the parking spot and he drives us out. I don’t want to be seen tbh. So.. we get outside have a cig and then I leave him off. He was paranoid his moms would see him from the window. Smh okay whatever.

I’m ashamed with myself big time but at the same time I wanted that dick so badly. Like confusing as fuck how you want to say one thing then do another...

We fucked and that was that. Wednesday he had to do that immigration stuff so he didn’t really message me or anything, Thursday now; I asked him how it went and he said he got accepted. Okay... wow..

But shits not gonna change. I’m dead ass just leaving it as that, like I caught myself wanting dick again just thinking about Tuesday night smh. Now I have to wait until my period comes to make sure I’m not pregnant. Smh my periods due sometime this week or next week. But woowerz.

Let’s just be friends?

And with being friends you can’t be all sexual towards me. Gotta have boundaries. No hand holding, back grabbing or kissing.

Let’s just fuck?

And with fucking we can’t be friends cause that’s just going to lead to wanting it more than we should. Wanting more than each other’s time.. peeping what we doing and who we with?

Let’s just dead it?

Cause fucking or being friends is just too much at this point. We can both just do our own thing and not worry about each other?

Who knows what’s next cause it feels like at this point shit just happens randomly in life.

[solasulad]

Coming Around.

So.. 

Last i left off i was emotionally unbalanced. 

Within just a week assuming after his girlfriend left the city he picked up the conversation and snaps. Streaks still going on now 29 days..

We never spoke about hanging out or anything. Just memes and random snaps to each other. Just last night i sent a meme dissing shisha smokers and he replied back to it saying i look like a cat so the convo of animals picked up. Told him he looked like an ugly animal and then wrote i was sorry jokingly. 

Topic of ears came up him saying i like his ears me saying no, and then switching to mines him saying that i have too much ear rings already so i told him id get my nipples done.. So that was last night we seemed cool or whatever. 

And abel was in the next chat talking to me tryna once again start some shit. Me telling him no dick is worth leaving in this weather regardless of how big it is. Shit its fucking cold in the city man. Like -21 this morning. 

Its Monday today..

And guess what? Bitch who hit my line up after the new year? 

Mr. Hair... I been wanting that dick so badly ever since josh got weird on me.

Like he messaged me saturday night during the storm talking about coming to see him at his spot.. Told him nah cause of the weather but that if he's cool with another day hit me up.. Lol i think my approach was so nigger-ish. Like lmao i told him nah but i still want that dick tho, he said how badly you want it? I wrote back saying my pussy dripping just thinking about it.. oh god. 

Then a follow up of him saying, wish i could see it, told I'm I'm going to bed before is start saying some wild shit.. and that if he's down to hit me up. Leaving him on read after he wrote “Nah i wanna hear it”. Oh me oh my. I want his dick but not having a spots tough now cause the weathers disgusting. I can't be running around the city slipping and sliding. 

We’ll see if he hits me up.. Or i might hit him up cause that text was clearly a gate way into the new year. 

Well see. 

I just wanna suck his dick till he comes too :( 

Ugh..

[solasulad]

Tuesday January 15th.

Its January mother fucking 15th on a Tuesday night..

Chilling at home with no motive.

Reviewed my courses for online tryna be up to date with that bish but my brains still on vocation mode smh.

Just got a message from thy neighbour. Lol..

Over the weekend this guy told me that he felt i was going ghost on him and that he's been thinking about me crazy.. But i shut that down letting him know I'm not about the sex game and just wanna chill.

He's like thats fine but how he still tryna initiate some fucking hotel talks???  LIKE A WHO DIS MAN?

Talking about us spending the day together.. Lol okay? and what then?

Nah i felt bad for him but real shit, he's tryna play that lonely victim card on me. talking about he misses me can't stop thinking about me and shit. nah this pussy got you fucked up you don't know me buddy. Its two completely different bitches you talking too.

Now homies messaging tryna see me Thursday. IDK mane..

Im backing down with all of this cause its just too much. Im not gaining anything out of it either :/ Your dick game weak but my brains leaning on another niggah... Like how you supposed to distract me when you can't even lay it down properly my friend??

Now messaging me saying he's not tryna force sex but just wants to eat it and cuddle... So.. You wanna waste my time that is? I got shit to do thursday shit i was supposed to do today but my heads been hurting and my whole bodies been a reck from the moment i woke up.

Im lazy rn my body hurts for no fucking reason. My brains giving up on me every time i stand up. and shit my uterus.. I got off my period today?? But shit still hurts like i was pounded all last night.

So tell me..

Is sex on my mind right now?

No..

Is anything else on my mind?

No..

Should school be on my mind?

Dumb bitch yes.

[solasulad]

Unbalanced.

This whole weekend I've been feeling just out of place. 

Like i just feel weird inside. Ive felt like this before but its weird how its happening a again especially from someone who's taken. 

I tried to keep my distance with him but that little part in my brain said fuck it your single why trouble yourself just be his friend.. But now its him who's pushing me away. I didn't want to come off as a “pick me” girl but i guess thats what i was feeling deep down. We only spoke barely on social media and that was that. nothing over saturday and todays sunday. 

His cousin abel asked me over to hang but i had plans saturday night. So.. I don't know what his cousins doing either cause he's coming off strong again. Like I'm tryna introduce you to a girl i know don't be dumb and wanna hang with me.. 

Social media - He keeps sending me snaps tryna keep the streak, Yesterday i sent some just at home with my little sis and i don't get a reply or anything. He then sends me one this morning of the ceiling wall.... Yah I'm ending the streak fuck that. We’re each others best friends on snap.. like number one best friends. Im killing the streak regardless. Im feeling weird how one he's younger than me and two he has a girlfriend.. A girl who isn't even in the city.. He's looking out for her feelings and my feelings are once again put to last. 

Not just him but with every guy I've shown interest too. My feelings aren't even there so it seems. No one checks for me like that. No one ever does. 

Im feeling way more than what i wrote above but i just don't know how to express my feelings into words rn. literally just feels at this point. Trying to avoid seeing his snaps and going on his social media page. Just going quite..

My dumb ass should be focused on school right now and thats what i should be doing instead I'm here on tumblr trying to get my feelings across to no-one.. 

[solasulad]

Nonchalant

In the second week of the new year. 

Going straight in on whats been on my mind lately.

Todays Thursday January 10th. Finally got my periods thats been feeling like it was going to come for a week now.

Messages between Josh been weak. We don't text, nor do we snap like before also memes just be weird. I feel like these sending one or two memes to still hold the friendship cause I'm not really doing much ever since Tuesday night. 

Tuesday night i sent those snaps of me in the washroom looking cute to which i was shut down. Accepted and moved forward. Wednesday morning woke up to a snap, a meme and didn't really know how to respond to that but i kept it cool. 

Wednesday night went to my sisters place just chilling, then i get a snap of him sitting on the toilet with a boner shown through his underwear...

I reply back well damn. Thats it? and he replies you wanna see more?

I message back saying lol yes but you think thats a good idea?

So he replies nvm saying sorry for sending that... Im like don't be sorry I'm chilling its whatever. 

Its like he wants to keep sending me those sexual shit but at the same time he doesn't cause of his situation. 

I don't know how i placed myself in this shit nor do i want to continue being in this position. Cause on my ends i feel emotional. IDK if its my period but i just feel sad. Like now I'm thinking about him and his girl. What they got going on is real huh? I don't want to compare my self to her but its hard.

He loves her told me way to many things about their relationship i didn't need to know of. Its just kinda slowly hitting me that they may be a thing for a lot longer than the image he pictured towards them. 

Abel called me earlier today just asking what was up and telling me about the girl i introduced him to. Then says that we should all hang out again together as a group... Including the girl and josh.. Im cool with it but also i don't think its a good idea. The sexual attraction is there heavy.. 

He sent me a snap of him with a clean cut and my pussy quenched..

So.. i don't know how else to describe the attraction. I hung out with them Saturday night and it was already but i wasn't holding back or anything like i was just being me. Now coming to think of it... Can we really be just friends?

We hung out Saturday night.. That same night you sent me dick videos.. 

Then a follow up with a boner picture. Im clearly not the one starting this shit I'm just sending pictures of my face at best. But... sign.. 

I need to wake the fuck up and focus on my god damn life.

I can't be giving him advice or slides, when he's playing me too. Like just rereading the message of him telling me he doesn't want us catching feelings.. 

You shouldn't be sending me anything out of the ordinary you wouldn't send your home niggah. So.. Let me know whats up?

Are we dating?

Are we fucking?

Are we best friends?

Are we something? 

In-between that.. 

I wish we never fucked and i mean that. 

butnotreallyyousaythenastiestshitinbedanditsfuckingawsome..

[solasulad]

Angel/Devil.

Its an off day.. First Tuesday in weeks i had to myself.. But i ended up going to campus and getting some paper work for school, then visiting maisha after that. 

We chat for a bit, caught up on whats going on in life. We smoked some weed first hit of a bong was with her. I felt so relaxed and everything i touched felt good. Im trying to stay away from weed but its like everyone i know smokes it at least. 

We spoke about life about our future realistic goals and reminisced on what we where doing this time last year. The friendships we've lost, the lovers we had and the troubling reality of life after college. 

It was good catching up with her. Im actually happy she's semi some what in my life. Last year i was isolated and felt like shit, we spoke months at a time but we understand that friendship doesnt have to be a every day thing, we busy we cool and we always growing thats the truth. 

She gave me some advice about Josh. The reality is I'm not fallen but I'm attracted. Im at a cross road between wanting to keep the friendship but also not trying to put any effort in. So, I'm going to just keep it cool. 

His girlfriend should be coming to the city sometime this month anyways, and the funny think maisha told me was that everywhere he takes her he's taken me, that whatever silence/ghosting he's doing now he's doing it cause his girlfriends coming. And he’ll be hitting me up once she leaves to hang. 

Im w/e about the whole thing i don't care tbh. Just sucks how we talked joked around and sent memes everyday now thats over. Like he didn't snap or meme me today besides this morning and that was it. Snap streak nearly ended then he sent a random snap of him on the bus of his shoes... So..

Whatever happens happens. I don't want him but i do kinda like the friendship/talks. 

[solasulad]

Belittled Guys of December

So.. my last post too forever but.

Last i ended off i cut mo’de off.. I messaged him on new years to say happy new years but get a dumb ass reply. I unfollowed him off of snap making him unfollow me too. He said he still doesnt know what he did but when i tell him he doesnt want to acknowledge it. yeah bye. 

Has - has tried to follow me on Instagram last week of December to which i messaged him an lol. Then he replied back lol. Told him we aren't friends then his sarcastic ass said “oh no my feelings are hurt” so i got a little mean and told him to jump off a cliff calling him a bum...... 

He replied back saying thats what he's been thinking i said do it and he wrote back something along the lines of calling me innocent and okay. 

I blocked him on insta.. his numbers blocked on my phone.. i blocked him on snap.. And when i went to go check Facebook which i rarely use i seen a wave in my dm from him... Like wow. leave me alone you hurt me so many fucking times like you're the reason I'm out here fucking around cause you played with my fucking mind buddy leave me. 

I think i tried to message hair two weeks into December or so asking if he was down but this man hit me up with he's leaving the city so i was like okay. never messaged him or anything after that. I left that as that. Still would fuck him tho if my pussy wasn't hurting. :(

Neighbour been emotional with me. asked me if i was done with him. i told him its not that its a personal thing like I'm just busy sex isn't on my mind rn. 

- Cant cut all of them off gotta at least keep one or two you know?

I told him “one of these days” lol but he's whack at eating it tho. like super trash :(

Aside from that december was one hell of a month. work and dick and josh and more dick. we hung out every fucking week bruh then he has the nerve to tell me I'm catching feelings lol bye. 

[solasulad]

Devil December 2018.

Well hello. 

How are you? 

Still doing the same things i see huh?

Guess new year never really changed me anyways.

Well.. A recap of whats been going on.. Ive been meaning to write just my nails was long as fuck and my phone still broken. :(

So.. About the cousin.. 

We been hanging out all of December. The Monday in the previous post, i texted him Tuesday and we met up around 7pm in my area. He wanted to smoke and i don't really smoke but i was like alright. He came by my area, we parked up near by and sparked the spliff. I took two pulls and called it a quit.

Before even smoking as he's rolling he was asking me about relationships. And i told him that the guys i know i don't see myself getting along with like that cause i know what i want. So then.. I asked him the same question he asked me. He then said that he's been meaning to tell me that he has a girlfriend but shes in the us. And that they kicked it off just before he came to the city so he's in a long distance relationship. I was like wow damn. If i knew i wouldn't have entertained any of that. He says its whatever and that topic just dies down. We go outside for the smoke and then as he's smoking I'm already high at this point. He tries to come in for a kiss and i back him off telling him to respect his girl. He's like you right and thats that. 

We get food and go back into the car now we both high just chilling in the cold.. 

We both in the car high as fuck and i ask him about his girl. He tells me they been together for 9 months now and that they got into a relationship before he left the states. Said they fell for each other heavy and feelings got involved, did trips together became inseparable at one point. That he tried to call a quite two times cause of the long distance but she told him to push through, she's even supposed to come to the city in jan he told me. He even told me she came to the city during the summer to come see him and that shit picked up like nothing was wrong, also that her parents are saying why you stressing over a guy not in the city to look for one local. Some shit like that. Just hurting my whole heart when he told me that. I was sad tbh. But i didn't show it. 

He plays some music and it sounded so good and different I'm relaxed just chilling in the passenger seat. I take the aux and play summer hill girls need love and start jamming to it. He laughs then i play Syd bad dream/no looking back. The whole song sounds so good to me he turns the volume up and I'm just dumb fucked at this point just the whole songs about fucking with no emotion knowing that if they fall for each other it would be over. 

So before the song can even get to the first chorus he's in my ear looking at me. Then i turn over facing him and we start making out. Whole 5 minutes of the song making out. While the backgrounds saying “We only kiss when we fucking cause we don't get to attached cause if this turns into something we know theres no looking back”

While  kissing the song changes and he stops it, we continue for a bit and then i pull back as he reaches for my pants. I say no. this isn't right, he sets back and just looks lost. So i try to contain myself and somehow we end up kissing again, i tell him that if he has a girl he should respect that and we just stop. I drive him to the station, he tells me his friends throwing a airbnb party next week friday and that i should come. I tell him i’ll see most likely not cause its just too awkward but whatever happens happens. 

I go home sad as fuck. just thinking about what happened that he has a girl friend and that I'm the side chick in his life. To make myself feel better i list all the flaws of him making him seem less than what he is. underage, not the same religion, weed head, not the same background.. ETC list went on that night.

Next morning he sends me funny memes on insta and we just end up picking the convo back. 

Second Week of December 14th. 

He messages me to come to the airbnb thing, i think i ask him about his girlfriend and he says he’ll tell me in person.. So.. thinking, there might have been something serious i end up going. We talk that whole week, like we something and actually plan to fuck.. Him having a whole mother fucking girl friend doesnt even come into picture. He sends me the address i leave work go home shower and head over. We meet for 7, i get there and we go straight at it. He comes, i come we both come as his friend comes. 

Me, him and his friend all chilling smoking outside on the balcony then i bring up his girl, he tells me that same story like he doesnt know why he's in a relationship, that she won't call him cause she pissed at him or something. And I'm just looking at him like wow okay. Trying to hold back my emotions cause that actually hurt but also trying to give advice and make him feel good.

Now i had no intention of staying the night let alone past 2am but i ended up staying till 5am.. smh...

But that whole night felt like we was a couple. We held hands, danced, smoked together, kissed everywhere and anywhere, went out the club to another see another function and got compliments left and right from random people on the streets. It felt good that night. Felt like a dream.. looking at 23 years of being alone and single to have a guy treat me like his girl felt good. to guide me in the streets and take his jacket off for me felt good. Felt like a dream...

we finish off at the club get some food from 7/11 head back to the airbnb and he's still talking about how he wants to fuck.. I tell him no your buddies here not gonna do that.. Then, as he's walking me to the elevator, we start making out. he goes for my pants once again my weak spot. finger fucks me right there in the hallway, then we take it to the stairwell, he tries to get me naked below and i stop him. I tell him no not here not like this you sicko. 

I wait for my uber downstairs with him and we just continue to make out until i call him out again for having a girl. He stops says he’ll see me soon i get in the uber and thats that. 

Monday December 17th 

We continue to text/insta message each other through the third week of December he asks what I'm doing monday night after work i say nothing and we end up going to shisha and just hanging out pretty much. I try not to kiss him and succeeded until i came home and said i should've kissed him. SMH.

we stay cool he texting and snapchating each other, i think we even started sending nudes at this point. 

Friday of that same week ^ He asks what I'm doing after work again.. I say nothing we go out to the movies this time.. We watch creed like i never seen it before but hey MICHAEL B JORDAN CAN GET IT ANYTIME BABE.

We get high before going into the theatre, we make out once again like we a couple, holding hands and shit, we went to the mall near by my area so i was kinda shook if i bumped into someone with him -_- but we watch the movie then when its time to go, i start the car we chill for a bit then make out some more getting it heated, we go to an isolated area and fuck once again.. LIKE FUCKING ANIMALS WE FUCKING ON GODT!

its now like 1am and i have a 12 hour shift in the morning, i send him off dropping him off at his place and head home for bed. 

Thursday December 27th 

I guess we spoke about hanging out Thursday night cause apparently these texts I'm reading said we met up damn..

But so from my understanding now, i told my mom i was going to buy a bag, she needed me to get her car keys and i ended up taking the keys with me and going out to see him at his area. I pull up, he has his shits rolled, he go to a park near by and he smokes, i smoke his cigg and we make out I'm all dumb cause i pressed the gas while making out making the car sound off.. We get over to his area and he's tryna do more than just hanging.. We pull up at a sketchy ass parking spot that can be seen through miles and he tries to finger fuck me.. I'm screaming cause i didn't give him head or anything, he was dumb horny, and i was so scared. I get a call from my mom like an hour later her cussing me out asking where i went talking about she needs the keys and i had to cut it quick. I told him if anything tomorrow after work he's like cool we end off again with kisses like we in a fucking relationship -_-

Friday December 28th.

We still texting/memes at this point again...

He messages me asking what I'm doing after work i say nothing so asks if i wanna chill go to the mall or something. I wasn't really tryna go cause i was tried flopped on him the day before thinking we spending to much time together.. But i already had the idea set.. He comes to my area we fuck and he goes. But this nigger likes to talk, likes to just fucking talk for days.. So. 

He comes by after work, i sneak out the house cause my moms out already, didn't want her coming home while i was gone plus she was and at me from the night before, we link up we fuck and i drop him off at the station. Bam! thats how it should be done. Sex was good not gonna lie but i was just paranoid that whole night. Cause homie wants to just chat his mouth off and I'm not tryna get in trouble with my mom for just leaving the house like that damn... son...

We get into holidays and my work places empty whole cities quite cause of the holidays besides the partying, but he invites me out for new years telling me he told abel about us and that i shouldn't worry lol NO imma worry. 

But i flop on him cause i was working new years eve and new years morning, he says its cool if he sees me new years day and I'm like yah sure.. but what we gonna do cause my pussy needs a break buddy. 

- New year same me bish.. 

Now Jan 1st 

He messages me once again, like i guess we really kicked and vibed but I'm nonchalant towards him not really tryna seem thirsty either. After all those ass snaps and twerking video i sent him i was a different person in real life. 

He asks to see me after work, I'm cool with it, told him downtown cause I'm driving and don't want to take the bus. So i park at my work place during the morning i get home get changed and go back downtown we meet at the station near by my work place and head over to the shisha spot. 

We aren't kissing each other i backed off kinda just being cool with him, didn't initiate any form of sexual expressions or acts towards him. We go to the shisha spot we chilling and just talking vibing and he's looking at me like lust in his eyes i already know that look to familiar.. I ignore it, we finish up smoking and head for the transit, i grab a candy from the counter of the spot and put it in, we walking just talking kinda holding hands cause its cold but we just chill. 

We get to the station headed to my car, and as we standing on the platform he gives me that look, i lean against the wall and we start making out. smh... We make out, he asks me what flavour my candy is asking for a taste, i drop the candy in his mouth as he sucks on it and returns it back to me. Shit was so nasty but i loved it holy. Like in that moment i didn't care he had a girlfriend, he was with me in all honesty it felt good to be held like that so i allowed it for the night. We get to my work place and we walk towards the loading dock, start the car and we make out a little before leaving. We leave, i drop him off at his place i guess cause i was feeling generous.. But we make out, before he leaves tryna start something and I'm like huh. no not now wth. So he leaves. 

Now........ That following night i get him at 10ish getting ready for bed cause i got work in the morning, i get a snap from him. Saying he wanted to say something. Im like okay? He messages back saying he didn't think i was awake but then says he wanted to talk about us? LOL HOLD UP.. When was there ever a us? 

So i message back saying okay? he's like he’ll tell me tomorrow. Im now thinking at this point like what could this lil fucker be saying? You got me horny you best believe imma ask you in the morning...

So now its Wednesday January 2nd.

I message him a good morning text - first good morning texts EVER!

he messages me back saying this “idk how to say it but I’m doin a huge mistake.. u know I’m still with my girl and idk wat to do .. and i feel like we getting too close to each other and i don’t want us to be catching feelings or anything.. cause that gonna make me feel worse. And i don't want us to stop talking either” 

i reply back along the lines like you know i got sexual attraction towards you, don't think we can be friends after.. wishing him and his girl a strong mother fucking relationship..

So the convo goes, its short says he wish i met him two years ago.. lol wha, when he was 19? gtfoh dummy. So that topic ends. Im unfazed by it kinda sad, idk i guess the idea that maybe he was unhappy with his girl friend got into my head but in reality i was just new pussy for him to realize he still loved his girl. So. thats Wednesday morning. The night it takes a whole 360 turn and gets sexual, i send him a link to a fitness studio in the city and we end up talking about my body. smh. 

The convo ends that night when it gets sexual, i ended it on my ends.. Like how you gonna say I'm a chocolate pudding when you got a whole GIRLFRIEND A G I R L F R I E N D? H u H?

Anyhow.. Next day now first Thursday into the new year. LoL. 

He MESSAGES ME! like we sending each other memes on social media then he messages me saying he wants to chill, i was like you think thats a good idea? he's like nah but fuck it. Soo.. I said i wanted to see him too, but tryna keep it professional, said we got some unfinished business too.. 

He comes by my ends round 7pm after work still wearing his duty ass uniform, i pick him up from the station, we drive over to buy some shisha flavour and head over to my sisters place, i told her he was a friend thats that she's like cool, the goes back to moms house. We chill watching tv as he's smoking and then once he finishes and i guess is high enough to barely feel anything he makes his way towards me. He starts kissing me, stripping me down and eating me out. I go down on him and we start fucking. Like actually fucking fucking to the point my back kept moving upwards from the pain. it was good but painful towards the end. He went hard on me. He tried to go for a second round like always but his dick got confused again. it was soft and hard at the same time. like just hanging there not knowing what to do... I think its cause of his guilty conscious eating him up, first nut was easy second one that never comes. no matter how hard he goes...

So we finish off sit there for a second or so i guess until he realizes what he did was bad cause its now 9ish and he says he has to go cause he got work in the morning. So anyhow i drop him off once again at the station near my place and tell him that was our last fuck. He's like “I mean nah what ever happens happens..” i said no. that was that, we kiss and i send him off. 

Now he's still in my dm’s after that keep in mind. That was Thursday night of the first week of the year. He hits me up friday night asking what I'm doing over the weekend i said nothing got little errands to do but nothing after, asks me if i wanna hang with him and abel, I'm like yah if it isn't gonna be awkward, also tried to set abel up with a girl from work but he too thirsty bruh..

So i made plans with them. Mostly josh but to see both of them. 

I invited the thot friend cause i didn't want to go alone. So she came they smoking cigs I'm smoking my mini pipe at the backyard in the cold like a dog    -_- we chilling my friend ends up leaving early cause her curfew i stay till like 1:40ish then leave after i sober up from two baby pulls of weed smh. 

Lol R. was tryna go to the club so she sent josh a whole ass video of her dancing tryna kawal him to come out like after we all got comfortable lol funny cause i told him to send a dick video but abel took the phone and he sent a dark screen i suppose. Lmao she was talking to me on the side while messaging him while i was telling him things to say to her. Basically being a little evil bitch seeing how it plays out lmao. 

But me and josh had like a little moment tho lol barely i just i brought up the video showing him me twerking then he said i needed to send it to him, i was like okay but I'm gonna need that dick video of you in the black buddy, he's like bet so I'm going thru my snap private part and showing him how dark and thick i was during the summer and he's rubbing my leg getting turned on. smh i hear able coming and he backs off we just sit there while abel says some stuff. 

i chill till like 1:40 wish sober up and give them hugs and go. I get lost on my way back home from the highway but soft. 

I get home and he messages me something on insta a video then asks me why I'm not sleeping yet. So i say send me that video he said he's gonna want one in return send him that video of me dancing in a white top and grey underwear. Tell him he better not be sitting next to abel smh. He sends me two videos lmao one of him cumming that i did not ask for and my fav black out fit video. -_-

That was saturday night going into sunday morning. lol. I send him memes he sends me some back thats that. 

Now its Monday Jan 7th 2019 back to reality. I start school today wasn't really on my phone but once i got home i started thinking about him and shit since we each others number 1 streaks besties how can i forget when i open my snap. 

I sent him a video two actually of me just with filters on snap and one he's like my curls should put respek on my name. other one he just sent me a snap back of him at work. so we haven't spoken pretty much all day. just besides that little snap chat. Im not phased by it either cause he has a girl friend and well shit its Jan she should be coming to the city too. RIGHT? like he said she was coming to see him in Jan. but its whatever my pussy still hurts from thursday night i never been fucked like that and I'm glad its just whatever cause i won't catch feelings. I think i told every bitch i know besides R. and the thot about this guy fucking me. 

I kinda wanna just keep it nonchalant tbh like i won't check for him regardless might look at my phone from time to time and be like wow. no meme today? but I'm good love. I been good. his sisters like the same fucking age as me. I'm gucci love your dick was good but I'm good.