solemnlydairy

[solemnlydairy]

My body is tired after eating and energetic after exercising

[solemnlydairy]

I ugly cried watching Robert Sheehan hold Dev Patels hand

[solemnlydairy]

Oooh she’s mentally ill

[solemnlydairy]

I love my confidence. She’s ethereal, entertaining, kind, warm hearted. She has an aura that fills up the room and makes everyone feel welcome. She is gorgeous. She smiles to bright the sun envies her.

But quick to follow that burst of energy is a deep sadness. I don’t know why she exists but I’m trying to learn more about her. It’s like I’m able to shine bright but the thick tar like darkness pulls me down the second I feel too good. Why is that? That darkness feels like home, it tells me this is who I am and that confident radiant girl was just a fluke. Is this depression? Or is it right? Maybe this is the real me. It is sadness but it is also comfort. It is stability to me.

[solemnlydairy]

When I was a kid I would dream about being able to have free will and realizing now I do have a lot of freedom. I don't live with my parents and I think I was throwing myself a pity party because I don't have the familial support but in reality I didn't want that, i know I can take care of myself. I know I am much happier on my own. I never really felt like I fit in to the community I grew up in and I so desperately wanted to leave and now I have left. I was filled with so much doubt for many years after leaving because I thought what i did was bad and I'm living through the punishment but the so called "punishment" - the hardships - are really just helping me grow. I am so thankful for my freedom, I am so thankful for much job which allows me to experience this freedom.

Mental fluidity... I really do place these unnecessary boundaries on thinks I can do. I saw a video yesterday where someone said the reason we're so scared of "flirting" is because we add all this mental pressure to it. Allow yourself simplicity. It's not a big deal to call someone pretty, male or female. "Well who cares?" literally no one. You can do anything you want , your mind creates imaginary boundaries some may have validity but they should always be a simple suggestion not a roadblock. You can take the risk, go out of your comfort zone let go of the resistance. I don't need to block ease. easeeeee

What do you want to commit to? Be detail oriented, but not a perfectionist. I want to be committed to myself. I've noticed more recently letting go of perfectionism and made up rules, but at the same time keep to a routine. if i wake up late, still have my routine. If I mess up in eating, eat some more healthy stuff, walk more, drink more water, you can always bounce back. I've been bouncing back quicker. If you are tired of work, take a break rather than continuing to push yourself into burnout.

Get re-inspired by where you are. This is the beginning to more. I think one think i've learned through work that can also be applied to life is that if you don't know the next steps - no matter how much effort and time and pressure you put on yourself you will not make progress and sometimes even make negative impacts by the mental burden you put on yourself seeing it as failure. If you don't know what to do - pause, its not worth pushing yourself... once you KNOW what to do - start make a simple todo list, start on it and if you don't know where to go next pause again - find out how. Don't put unnecessary pressure. Everything happens for a reason. You are so so powerful

Anger is above fear. Choosing anger can get you out of fear. Fear makes you stagnant, anger makes you flowing again. A step past that is courage, and then acceptance. Do not get stuck at fear, turn the fear to anger. Anger is good.

I love myself, I love the opportunity that im surrounded by. I love that there are so many opportunities in this world. The hard things you go through are the reason you are successful, those are your power point, under pressure and heat is how you grow into a beautiful crystal. The longer the pressure the more valuable they become. Everything is a learning experience. Every single thing.

Magic. The robin trusts her wings not the branch she sits on. I don't control the branch but i control myself. I can control my own actions, I can control where I fly, I can control how I react. Trust yourself, trust your instinct, trust your experience. You are an infinite being who is capable of expanding in infinite ways. I am infinitely valuable. Do not be scared of scarcity because no matter what you can survive.

[solemnlydairy]

be greatful for what you have rather than focusing on what you don’t

But if I don’t focus on what I don’t have how will I have motivation to keep going, to work towards something?

At the same time Mr man said if you focus on what you don’t want then it will happen..

Ex: I want spaghetti but I say I don’t want tacos, the waiter only remembers “taco” after taking all the orders and gets you taco

These are two different concepts, one is on gratitude, the other is combating self deprecation and self loathing

I currently know I don’t want my job but let’s not focus on that, focusing on that feeling like I’m in fight or flight and need to run away on a timeline

No im grateful for my job, so grateful. My job gives me free access to mental health resources and public transit. My job teaches me to work and interact with different people, and I have learned slowly overtime that different people can accept you and I can start to let go of my need to control my external perception. My job has given me money to support myself and live on my own. My job has supported me while I explored the world, I had a party phase, I almost hooked up with someone on a first date, I met many cool people. I made many friends from my job. I life in comfort because of my job. And as much as I love this job, I want a job which either helps people directly with some human interaction or a job which is creatively stimulating. I am grateful my job gives me the ability to think about next steps. I am grateful my job is flexible.

[solemnlydairy]

I feel like I’m doing everything wrong

I had too much anxiety to go into work all week last week

I’m fortunate enough where they haven’t fired me yet but I feel that I would be the first to go if anything happens

The new guy at work is really enthusiastic and smart, I’d like to be there I’m struggling to find my strengths

I need to find my strengths and focus on them

It’s hard to do everything myself

[solemnlydairy]

I keep having dreams of people being mad at me and I’m naked

The overall feeling is frustration

My parents are mad at me for not losing weight and the worst part is I’m actually trying this time

Trying is so difficult and being patient is even more difficult

I have a tendency to function on extremes, perhaps from the perfectionist in me. This makes me give up the second I don’t see results immediately. I get easily frustrated when things don’t go according to plan.

[solemnlydairy]

Feelings of ecstasy while staying up late with friends

Feelings of ecstasy when dancing with strangers at a party

Feelings of sadness when I’m alone

feelings of peace and courage when I’m alone for a long time

[solemnlydairy]

Everytime I go outside it’s like I just barely survived

How do I stop feeling like this

The older I get the more embarrassed I am if my body potentially malfunctioning

I know good health can help with this fear but the road to get there is filled with hardship

[solemnlydairy]

Dearest dearie

As each day passes I feel my anxiety growing

They say with age comes wisdom yet with wisdom my fear grows

I am older and more terrified of the world than ever before

I’m trying to be brave

I want to be strong

I don’t like being afraid

It feels like I’m drowning behind closed walls and I’m not allowed to let anyone see because if I do I don’t know if they’ll sink me farther or help me out

And many people say the unknown is worth the risk but oh my am I petrified

Too petrified to even move some days

I lay in bed staring at the ceiling waiting for it all to end

It’s so scary

And part of me believes it will be less scary when there is someone who shares these emotions but I’ve grown weary of trying to find that someone and failing over and over again

Not just failing but somehow creating new fears in the process

This is life? It’s horrific

I find comfort in lying in my grave

But a voice nags at me from with in saying I’m still young, it’s too early to have resigned myself from the world

Yet every move I make brings to front the horrors

The atrocities of this unpredictable world when my fellow humans lust for blood, vengeance and purely self serving actions

I used to be kind

I used to be generous and although I would bear the weight of many many ill intentioned actors, I can no longer bear it knowing they would use until I am pruned away to nothingness and move on as it never had an effect on them

I am angry and afraid of action

I am furious and scared

I have these opposing emotions constantly in battle with each other

What is one to do?

[solemnlydairy]

I don’t really want to go tonight

let’s analyze some relationships

I think he oversteps boundaries a lot I don’t enjoy spending time with him at all

I think it’s insane that he has a girlfriend friend and describes his favorite type as stuff that don’t relate to his girlfriend friend

He has never made a single decision and went through with it and it infuriates me because he’s all talk

Here’s the thing I don’t like people who are all talk because it influences me to fall into a similar pattern this is why I’m drawn to people like S or M or C because they all take action, if they want to do something they do it and don’t just fantasize about it

He makes me more upset that he’s perfectly ok with fantasizing about it

I don’t like being associated with him I don’t like introducing people to him

I want to hang out with S but not a lot of

I’m considering not hanging out with them for a while but that doesn’t feel like an option at the moment

But my boundaries are being stretched thin

I cannot live like this

i also cannot get rid of all negative stimuli I need something to keep me grounded at the same time I don’t need to be only grounded

[solemnlydairy]

Consume consume consume

All you do is consume

Take a moment a breathe for a minute

Create like you were meant to do

Stop lying in submission

Stop waiting for the moment to approach

Just go bb

[solemnlydairy]

It takes a lot of energy to move a heavy boulder when it is resting still, once it is moving it is a lot easier to move

[solemnlydairy]

Who is she?

She’s unbothered, nonchalant, not stressed

She gets whatever she can done and doesn’t fret over the small things

she doesn’t sit and wait overthinking because she knows she is doing all she can and everything else is up to the universe

She follows the artists way

She has an idea and implements it

She has routine and grace

I mean she already has all these things

Some just need to be fine tuned

So what would she be doing right now in this moment?

She’ll delete this account soon,

But not yet

She’ll have a physical notebook or journal

[solemnlydairy]

There’s so much content to be consumed I simply cannot take it all in

Overconsumption reduces analysis

I can’t think when I’m constantly scrolling

Looking for new ideas new motivations new inspirations

It’s not bad to be consuming so much

It makes me happy to see everyone’s art, to audience the content individual creatives have poured their soul into

Too much of anything is bad

I had cereal for dinner today, I had a second bowl but it was too much

I refrigerated it and turned it into a midnight snack

I want to create but am often discouraged but the amount of content out there

At the same time inspired by the amount of shitty content out there

It doesn’t have to be perfect just needs to be out there

Or does it? Can I not just create for my own satisfaction

I want to practice discipline

Giving myself 6 months to turn my life around

I want to become a designer I do have an eye for composition and beyond that it’s something I feel proud about not something I’d shy away from

I love beauty and aesthetics

I want to do photo shoots I want to get cooler clothes

Dressing up in the morning is my ritual I put on a character outfit

I lived dress up games as a child

Discipline as self trust rather than corporal punishment

Doing what your told when it’s told by yourself is not just disciple but a commitment to yourself

Don’t be hard when you don’t finish everything but be there for yourself

I can do it

I am very capable

I have a bright future, an interesting future, an invigorating future

No need to feel disappointment or loss for the life I’ve lead because everything has happened the way it was meant to

If I wasn’t there I wouldn’t be here and if h wasn’t here I wouldn’t get there

I’m building self trust to promise to myself I won’t let the whims of impulsivity and brash action take over in a moment of weakness and if I do it will be out of love for myself and letting myself experience a joy I’ve always wanted to

The universe is in your side

[solemnlydairy]

I thought about it and I don’t like “hanging out” with people in the typical sense

There are certain energies that entice me and certain energies which drain me

For example when hanging out with C, I want to it’s not that I have to

But nowadays A and S eat a lot of my time because I hangout with them out of guilt

Same with A who I talk to everyday on the phone

It’s my life and I need to take control

Leave if something doesn’t suit me just like Liz