solodrivers - Tumblr blog

[solodrivers]

It's been a while, but I've been slowly thinking more and more and I'm not sure of what's going on but there seems to have been a big shift. It suddenly isn't about me anymore, nothing matters anymore, not the cars, not the shoes, or even necessities. It's wild to know that someone so small and precious can bring me so much joy and happiness. The work that I've been doing is to all make it better for her, to make it all worth it and so that she has a better childhood and upbringing than we did, you know? Our parents aren't perfect and that's fine because we're human but the goal is obviously for us to be better than what our parents were so that our kids can be better than who we are. It's been a struggle learning to be patient and learning how to be there even when work beats the shit out of me, but there's no greater joy than coming home to her laugh and smile. The squeal of joy when she realizes it's me after a 12 hour day is the right amount of energy for me to keep going. I hope I can make it for her and I hope that we can have a place to call home together and just Start this adventure sooner rather than later together and see what life has to offer. It's crazy to think that I have a purpose now. I don't feel the constant complacency of being ok to die at any given moment. I'm not done, I'm not leaving until she's okay. At least i don't plan on it. Seeing her smile and laugh and play makes the long days worth it because I know she'll be waiting for me when it's all over. She's been getting so big and it's hard to comprehend that I'll never be able to hold that tiny baby again. That first day holding her everything stopped. It's like my heart fell to the ground and I had no clue what I was going to do. I had never even held a baby before that moment. I was so lost and confused and scared but I needed to push through for her. I was so anxious about her that i would hear her cries for over a year when she wasn't around or when she was asleep. I get sad thinking about those times because I wasn't as involved or around as much and I think about all the time I missed and all the things I didn't get to experience with her. I've been trying and I feel like I've been doing good but it gets rough supporting the three of us on my own. But hey, I haven't failed yet. It'll get better before it gets worse, I hope.

[solodrivers]

As it gets closer and closer i get more and more nervous. Maybe its a good thing that im actually feeling something, but damn son, im scared. Everything hasnt been going to plan, i feel like i shouldnt have bought that car because now im gonna be really feeling it. Im scared because i dont know how to be a dad or someone of that importance. Im nervous because any little thing can topple my relationship with my girl and i really dont feel like becoming a statistic or my kid being one as a matter of fact. Im just stuck in my thoughts all the damn time. I get stuck on stupid things like work or working on my car. But then when im able to free myself from that, i cant help but feel useless, like im not contributing to anything and just wasting my time. I feel like no matter how much i move forward, im always gonna be trapped. Wether it be in my mind, financially or even situationally. Its tough having to throw the weight of two families on your back and still fighting for a way out. Im sorry for my issues, i know i have a few of those and i know im definitely not perfect. Its taken me so long to be able to actually look at myself in the mirror. I used to look into my own eyes and feel the sadness just ooze out, just completely over ran by emotions and i would cry asking why. It got better to where i would look into my eyes and i would stare with hatred because i wasnt enough or i wasnt man enough. Now im atleast able to look for a few seconds before i look away. Its been rough. Its going to stay rough. Its hard living with stuff that you absolutely cant tell anyone. Or stuff that you simply cannot formulate into words to express yourself. I always get the "why dont you show emotions?" And it wasnt until recently that i cant do that because it comes from trauma. I was always told to man up and be better than that, and when i would cry i would get made fun of and laughed at. Everytime i feel like crying, im put back into that spot as a kid in elementary getting laughed at by everyone and it makes me stop right away because i hated being that kid. It goes on and on, theres so much i dont say and so much i dont want to say. But heres some sort of relief because i know nobody will ever read this. Nobody ever cares, only when its too late.

[solodrivers]

I remember being in high school when it was time to do the Senior interviews and i did mine at a dealership and the guy told me to come back when i graduated. I didnt go back but somehow i ended up at another dealership lol. I was constantly put down for wanting to be a mechanic by my parents because i "deserved so much more." I got into Sac State for fun, just to prove that i could lmao but the thing that ive always wanted to do was work on cars. Its become much more than a passion or hobby, idk its weird. Usually when people work doing their hobby, they get burnt out of it and don't want to do it anymore outside of work, and im the opposite, its like i cant get enough of it. The same helplessness that made me work on my own stuff is the same thing that pushes me because i will struggle and struggle before i decide to finally ask for help.

[solodrivers]

Sometimes dreams are meant to be just that dreams. But saying it out loud made my chest hurt as if my heart was breaking. Cars have been my passion since i was a kid. Making it into a dealership was all that ive ever wanted and now im there. But i dont think im gonna be racing anymore or building cars. Things are gonna change and things are changing but holy shit. Letting go of that idea that i was going to keep racing and get better and be fast is hard because i fell in love with the sport from the first time i was on track. But theres bigger things that need my attention right now. It is what it is. Hopefully someday i can have a racecar or a nice show car, just something to complete that little bit of me. Idk mane

[solodrivers]

Well atleast now i know im not gonna be a nobody, i know im gonna be someones dad. I dont know who he or she is going to be or what theyre gonna look like or anything but im gonna be the best dad that kid can have. I have so much experience in what not to do because of my father. But this is my chance to be the parent that i always wished i had. Im nervous and excited, i want to jump with joy sometimes and others i get too overwhelmed to think. Im still a kid myself trying to become an actual full functioning adulf. Lifes crazy man. I finally seen my dad in over 2 years, the way things have changed is crazy, i dont really feel like he is my dad but rather someone i know. The guidance lessons and teachings that hes tried to show me dont mean anything because ive made it this far without it and without him. I know i have to let him know that hes gonna be a grandpa but fuck man, i really wish i didnt have to be the one to tell him. How do i explain to him that i dont want my kids around him because he smokes and hes the reason i have athsma. Or how do i even tell him that i just dont feel the need for him to be around. Im not sure. One thing i am sure of is that time waits for nobody and that its gonna keep its step until my child is here. Ready or not here it comes. Fuck.

[solodrivers]

Going through the motions of everything. Its crazy to think that there will be no more next times. Were the adults at the gatherings, were the grown ups to the kids and teenagers. Crazy how time waits for nobody. Maybe thats my biggest fear, growing old and realizing ive done nothing with myself. I dont want to repeat the cycle but sometimes i find myself doing just that. Its insane to think that my parents have lived twice what I've been through, and i feel like i dont know them enough. I get sad thinking too, because my kids are probably never going to meet their grandpa. And im gonna have to explain how he left. Its insane hearing his voice and seeing that hes still around but ive convinced myself he doesnt love me. And thats ok. Or so i tell myself. Damn. I get stuck sometimes you know. I feel like im going on a path to nowhere. And theres nobody to stop me but me. And how do i do that when I'm the one driving? Maybe it all happened too fast? Maybe we were just forced to grow up? Maybe, idk maybe. It gets rough being alone and being independent, it gets rough having to be your own person and your own man. It gets rough sometimes because who do i have to call and ask for advice when idk what to do? Who do i talk to when i need a shoulder that absolutely wont judge but will give me the help i need? I feel like i dont feel enough like ive bottled everything in so long to even let it out. Im tired of just holding it in, im tired of not saying anything just to avoid arguing, im tired of avoiding my problems. But now that its time to face them, how do i go about it? Nobody taught me how to do it and i feel so fucking worthless when i try. I get scared of losing the people i love because i cant figure myself out. I look so composed and strong on the outside but slowly thats coming down. But from the inside out. Ive felt so alone and useless these past 6 months. I knew i couldnt do it alone but i didnt think i would suffer so much. Its crazy how you can be on top of the world one day and not have a single care in the world and life kicks you right in the balls and reminds you that in reality you ain't shit and youre just a nobody.