somberillusions

[somberillusions]

Me according to my parents

1. What was my birth like?

“A lot of people call it beautiful and its amazing but its really a horror story and I wish I could unsee it” -My Dad

2. What do you think I like daydreaming about?

“Moving to Korea and meeting BTS” -Mom

3. What's a memory that makes me happy?

“Going to San Diego” -Dad

4. What do I look forward to when I wake up?

“Checking for notifications from people” -Mom

5. What makes me feel loved?

“Hugs...bong gongs (he means a bangtan bomb).” -Dad

6. What makes me so awesome?

“Your intelligence” -Mom

I mean....they aren’t wrong for the most part. But am I really that obsessed with BTS? :(

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haircut!!

I last got a haircut 2017, it was a really short pixie cut (follow my ig @andromeda.juliet to see it) and it grown out a lot since then. I finally got it cut, here’s a few pictures! 

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wahh

I freaking love worm on a string

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Bugs

I love bugs! Little critters make me happy and it’s one of my favorite parts of hiking.

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School

When I’m in school I am extremely professional, I am always taking notes, asking questions to the teacher, and you will never catch me not paying attention. I tend to take the lead in group projects, and my peers don’t seem to mind. I am not the smartest person in my class, but I am definitely one of the most productive, I like to get shiz done.

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History

I am fascinated with history, and not in the way where I know everything about WW2, but I know a lot of random facts about the past and commonly unknown people who made the difference.  I could never run out of things to talk about if you brought up history to me.

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36

Hi Guys! I recently found something that really fits this blog. Apparently there are 36 questions designed to make someone fall in love with you, so I’ll be answering them today!

1. Given the choice of anyone in the world, whom would you want as a dinner guest? I would want Tom Felton as a dinner guest, I feel like we would get on well and who doesn’t want to cook dinner for a loveable little musician?

2. Would you like to be famous? In what way? I think if I ever became famous, I would want to be famous for doing something good in the world, like donating money to charity or standing on a redwood tree for three years to prevent it from being cut down, y’know? But given the choice I wouldn’t want to be famous, I value my privacy.

3. Before making a telephone call, do you ever rehearse what you are going to say? Why? Oh definitely, I get really scared calling people for something important, so I always want to know what I’m going to say so I don’t mess up.

4. What would constitute a “perfect” day for you? For me a perfect day would be if in the same day, I went to a BTS fansign and met my idols, and then got to spend time with my closest friends, watching my favorite movies, and eating my favorite foods. God that sounds amazing.

5. When did you last sing to yourself? To someone else? I last sang to myself around fifteen minutes ago, I last sung to someone else last night. I really like singing.

6. If you were able to live to the age of 90 and retain either the mind or body of a 30-year-old for the last 60 years of your life, which would you want? I would want the mind of a 30 year old because then I would have all my memories and be able to tell all my grandkids stories from my past without forgetting small details.

7. Do you have a secret hunch about how you will die? I don’t actually, I used to think I was gonna go by my own hands, but now I don’t care how I’ll die, and I’m not scared of it either.

8. Name three things you and your partner appear to have in common. Well this is hard considering so many individual people could be reading this, but based off of you reading this I would say we both like tumblr, we both find the topic of love interesting, and we like getting to know people. 

9. For what in your life do you feel most grateful? I am very grateful for my mom, she is incredibly strong of a person and I would be dead without her strength. She gives me hope of better days and not a day goes by where I don’t remind her how much I care for her.

10. If you could change anything about the way you were raised, what would it be? That’s a hard question, I would have to say I wish my dad hadn’t told me stories of what he saw while he served military duty in Iraq, at least not when I was so young.

11. Take four minutes and tell your partner your life story in as much detail as possible. I’m timing this, I was born in a military fort in Texas, my dad was in Iraq until I was 3 and when he came back, he came with alcoholism, this essentially ruined my life, when I was five my mom and I moved to Alabama, two years later my dad said he would change so we moved with him, and surprise! He didn’t change. He went to rehab and came out, but sixth months later he relapsed and I attempted suicide from the pain. I had a lot of mental issues and still am recovering. I met my best friend who helped me through all that and I am lucky to have her in my life. I fell in love while my dad was in rehab, and three years later I still am. I currently have three friends who I care about but I don’t like talking to them online much because I prefer face to face. I now spend my weekdays watching movies with my mom and my weekends trying to protect my baby brother from witnessing my drunk dad get angry.

12. If you could wake up tomorrow having gained any one quality or ability, what would it be? I would like to be fluent in Korean, it would get me more job opportunities and I would love to add bilingual to my job resume.

13. If a crystal ball could tell you the truth about yourself, your life, the future or anything else, what would you want to know? I would want to know if I will ever fall in love and be loved back in return.

14. Is there something that you’ve dreamed of doing for a long time? Why haven’t you done it? I have always dreamed of living in a van, but I haven’t because I don’t have enough money or even a driver’s license.

15. What is the greatest accomplishment of your life? Recovering from Anorexia Nervosa

16. What do you value most in a friendship? Honesty, I want people to give me the real deal instead of acknowledging my feelings, I’d rather rip of the band-aid than leave it on the rot into my skin.

17. What is your most treasured memory? A Halloween party in 2017, that whole October was the most amazing days of my life, but that party changed me in so many ways.

18. What is your most terrible memory? So back in 2015 my dad drunk drove and got caught so for a year he had to have a breathalizer in our car and in order for the car to turn on you had to blow into the breathalizer for 30 seconds and wait 60 seconds for it to calibrate and the car to start. Keep that in mind. So my parents were arguing one day inside and I was outside removing nails from a plank of wood because woodwork was my coping mechanism, when my mom walks out of the house (we lived with my grandparents at the time) she grabs my arm and we run to the car and get in. My dad is walking after us with a face twisted in pure rage. My mom is trying desperately to get the breathalizer to calibrate and my dad is getting closer. At this point there are tears falling down my face. My dad sees my mom frantically trying to start the car and his face gets impossibly more enraged. He then swings his fist at the window and it cracks, but it doesn’t break. I scream. The car is finally starting and my dad screams, “I AM GOING TO KILL YOU BITCH” and goes to swing at the window again, but my mom quickly backs up. If my dad had made that punch my mom would have been dead. My dad goes to the back of the car to stop her but she keeps going until he moves. We immediately leave. I don’t remember where we went but I remember that after that my dad was kicked out of my grandparents house. We stayed but he left. While we were driving I cried so hard my voice went away. I didn’t speak for three months after that.

19. If you knew that in one year you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you are now living? Why? No, I wouldn’t. I think I am living my life as best I can right now, I act like myself and don’t hold back. I am confident, and I don’t let other people get me down, and I wouldn’t change that for the world.

20. What does friendship mean to you? Friendship means the world to me, I could live my whole life without a romantic interest if I had friends who understood me and were fun to be around.

21. What roles do love and affection play in your life? Honestly I could live without it, that’s not to say I’m opposed to love, but I have mad commitment issues and that’s something not many people want to deal with when it comes to romance, so I don’t need it to live.

22. Alternate sharing something you consider a positive characteristic of your partner. Share a total of five items. I like that you listen, I like that you care enough to read this far. I like that you have enough energy in you to even keep reading this far. I like that you don’t give up even when things get unpleasant, and I like how considerate you are of other people.

23. How close and warm is your family? Do you feel your childhood was happier than most other people’s? I would say in my family I am only close with my mom and my cousin. I don’t think my life was happier than most people’s but it definitely could’ve been worse.

24. How do you feel about your relationship with your mother? I’ve talked about her a lot in the post, but great.

25. Make three true “we” statements each. For instance, “We are both in this room feeling ... “We are both struggling in different ways” “Our emotions are valid no matter how strong they are, or how trivial they are” “Just because someone is having it worse than us, doesn’t mean we aren’t allowed to be upset”

26. Complete this sentence: “I wish I had someone with whom I could share ... “My taste in movies, nowadays people only watch YouTube, and I don’t hold them against that because sometimes I do too, but I wish they would care enough to watch the movies I like.”

27. If you were going to become a close friend with your partner, please share what would be important for him or her to know. I have a lot of trauma like everyone else, and I try to hide that through smiling, don’t fall for it, the wider my smile is, the more I’m breaking down inside.

28. Tell your partner what you like about them; be very honest this time, saying things that you might not say to someone you’ve just met. I am proud of you for picking up whatever device you’re reading this on, and spending this long reading a post from a complete stranger, and I really appreciate the amount of time and consideration you put into doing so.

29. Share with your partner an embarrassing moment in your life. This is really horrible of me but please keep in mind I was four at the time. I was at a Mexican Restaurant in New Mexico and I saw a Mexican person for the first time (I was an isolated child) and I pointed at them and said “Look Mommy! It’s a real Mexican person from Mexico”, I to this day am really embarrassed by this and wish I could see this person again and apologize.

30. When did you last cry in front of another person? By yourself? I last cried in front of my mom two days ago, we were watching a sad movie. And I last cried by myself at midnight. I swear I don’t usually cry this much it’s just bad timing. 

31. Tell your partner something that you like about them already. They like asking this question a lot don’t they? I also really like how dedicated you are to making sure other people feel cared for.

32. What, if anything, is too serious to be joked about? Sexual Assault, in no situation is it okay to joke about people being forced into sexual acts.

33. If you were to die this evening with no opportunity to communicate with anyone, what would you most regret not having told someone? Why haven’t you told them yet? I would regret never apologizing to my family for not talking to them, I haven’t done it yet because they think I am this perfect little girl and I’m scared that they won’t love me anymore when they find out I’m not.

34. Your house, containing everything you own, catches fire. After saving your loved ones and pets, you have time to safely make a final dash to save any one item. What would it be? Why? My memory box, it’s full of all the most cherished items in my life and I wouldn’t be able to live knowing I let them burn.

35. Of all the people in your family, whose death would you find most disturbing? Why? My mom’s, I would cease to function if she passed away, I know it’ll happen someday but the thought terrifies me. I think I would shut down mentally.

36. Share a personal problem and ask your partner’s advice on how he or she might handle it. Also, ask your partner to reflect back to you how you seem to be feeling about the problem you have chosen. My dad is a raging alcoholic, and I am scared to be around him on the weekends. I don’t want to pressure my mom into leaving but at the same time my mental health is deteriorating every Saturday. What would you do in my situation?

Welp, there you go! I’m honestly surprised you made it this far, thank you for caring enough to stick around. Until next time!

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Playlist

I wanted to share some playlists with you, and tell you what each of them mean to me. Music is a big part of my life and I want to show you what parts it resides in. Enjoy!

https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLK5wrm09qZsPxrlnSHb2oEiMaasywL7d_

A playlist full of songs me and the girl I’m in love with used to listen to as kids, not the greatest songs out there, but they hold memories.

https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLK5wrm09qZsO1aTnV9VbggAIod0Hd0rmm

A playlist of songs I want to be put on a record made out of my ashes when I die. Think of it as a brief journey through my life.

https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLK5wrm09qZsP_AdZCwnU5o5SeSn9r4dGH

Songs that I could not place a certain emotion to, compiled into one ball of feeling.

https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLK5wrm09qZsOKNbL7oDnprNcqhBSqFfci

A compilation of my all time favorite BTS songs

https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLK5wrm09qZsN8rZ44lnwbIdspW__P3g_k

Songs I listen to when I’m sad and just want to lay down and think, perfect for road trips too.

https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLK5wrm09qZsMkooCQmv8uGeAgDbttSad0

Some of my favorite Japanese City Pop hits, definitely the best songs to dance to in my opinion

https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLK5wrm09qZsN1NbCEKwbRKPrVtGfGKV7h

For when I’m feeling like a baddie (god i hate that i used that word to describe myself)

https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLK5wrm09qZsMf2yPCR_cPfefs0IMtVNEU

Songs that remind me of my best friend

https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLK5wrm09qZsMUW30JL4jygiKJM9v-EGPK

A playlist of how I would define love

https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLK5wrm09qZsMs0mUJyQKPag9wn5jSeHTN

Mostly korean rnb for when you just want to let it all out and breathe

https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLK5wrm09qZsOhQrn7MHBlq2G8U8FYdwUZ

A playlist of songs I listen to when I’m sobbing and letting out all my emotions into my pillow

That’s about it, hope you enjoy the music!

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Love

I realized I’ve only been stating facts about me, but now I want to share something vulnerable. And what’s more sensitive than love. I’ve only been in love with someone I’ve met once, and recently I wrote a letter confessing everything to her, and to help you know how I feel, I’ll post the letter here too.

“Dear Shayla, I met you in 3rd grade, I always thought you were pretty even though I didn’t like you very much. Truth is, I barely knew you but because you were friends with Kiki, I felt obligated to despise you. Me and Kiki didn’t get along well back then. I remember the rare occasion when you would come play with me and my friend Cole at recess, I think we were both starstruck at how cool you were. To be honest, I still feel that way about you. In fourth grade I found myself gazing at you from afar, wondering how a smile could be so contagious. How so many angels harmonized with you when you laughed. But I never truly understood you, I always saw you as Kiki’s best friend, until that fateful day. It was summer, end of June, I was laying on a chair, still in my pajamas, just ignorantly watching anime on my tablet. You had come by my house often with Kiki, you brought your siblings too. I waved at you, but that was it. But that day was different. Kiki and you asked if I wanted to come over, and I said yes because what else did I have to do?

Stepping into your house I already felt like I was truly at home, from the way it was decorated to the busy atmosphere of your mom trying to make the house look presentable. You guys had just moved into the house not too long ago. I was nervous at first, I wasn’t sure if I was cool enough to hang around you, but I don’t think you cared if I was cool or not, you just wanted to have fun. That was to this day one of the greatest moments of my life. I spent a lot of the summer hanging out with you, not really aware it was because I liked you. School started back up in August, it was the first year I had ridden a bus since before I met you. Luckily, I got to sit in the seat in front of you. And of course, I relentlessly talked to you. Thinking back on it now, I can’t imagine you not being annoyed with me. It was basically every day I was asking if I could come over. But early September, I almost ruined everything. It was like any other day, we were hanging out, I remember you gave me some chocolate (which is a random detail), until I casually brought up that I had a big crush on you. Like the amazing person you are, you let me down slowly, trying to be as nice to me as possible. I still have no idea why you were so kind to me.

I was genuinely surprised when we kept being friends. After that we made some of the greatest memories in our friendship, the dramatic Ouran High School Host Club roleplay, the time I spent trying to teach you the dance to Boombayah by BlackPink, the time we spent so long telling a scary story we made your brother fall asleep, and so many other days where I thought I could not get any happier, but you made it happen. My favorite month is October because of you and the amazing memories we shared then. I never got to thank you for letting me borrow your liquid eyeliner and pretend to be Ben Drowned, even though him and Ticci Toby were your favorite. I don’t think I would be where I am today without you, you made me happier than words could express. 

 I never stopped liking you, at one point my feelings turned into love, and the fire in my heart will never fade, even if I know that my chances with you are zero. I wish things were different, I wish I was a guy, maybe then you would like me. I tried my best, I cut my hair and wrapped my chest in bandages to seem more masculine. I was a fool rushing in, hoping that you would notice how much I cared about you. I love you Shayla, so much that I cry at night listening to songs we would play as kids, so much that I hold my breath whenever I’m around you so I don’t profess everything I’ve wanted to say all these years. And honestly, I don’t even know why I’m writing this, I know it won’t change anything. If anything what’s going to change is that you’ll think I’m weird and never talk to me again, but maybe that’s for the best. All I know is that I need you to know how I feel. I need you to know that no matter how many years go by, even when you’re married and have kids, I will always love you. I will always ponder over how things could’ve gone different, and there will never be a day where I don’t think about you. And I know you don’t feel the same, and hell, I wouldn’t be surprised if you blocked me. But if you end up wanting to respond, just let me know that I am not a bad person for holding on for so long, for clinging onto something that will never exist. Please just let me know that I am not selfish for staying friends with the girl I’m in love with, but can never have.”

Due to privacy reasons, I won’t type what she responded with, but I hope this helps!

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Mom

I am very close with my mom, sometimes I cry because of how much I love her. I love listening to her stories, and I look up to her. She is the strongest woman I know, and I can only dream to be as amazing as her.

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Clothing style

Generally I dress very hipster-y. I wear a lot of flannels, and you’ll never see me outside without my hat on backwards. I tuck my shirts in and pull them out slightly, because y’know, I’m gay. I like bright colors, but I never have the confidence to wear them in public. The only pair of shoes I wear are my black converse, and I wear a LOT of bracelets.

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Ideal type

I’m going to be completely honest, my ideal type is basically Jung Hoseok from BTS, a.k.a, j-hope. But there are some qualities here that he doesn’t posses. And let’s face it, how much do we really know about him? I am not very judging on looks, but I have a soft spot for people with darker toned skin and an androgynous and/or feminine look to them. Personality wise I want someone who will listen to me through all my rants, and take the time to get to know me, who will watch all my favorite shows and films, and will listen to the countless playlists I send them. I want someone who isn’t too possessive and will let me stay independent. Someone who will hold me close when I cry, but not pressure me to say what’s wrong. Someone who is thoughtful, and pays attention to the little things. Someone who knows the perfect gift to give someone always. Someone who likes to read. Someone who is incredibly passionate in everything they do. Someone who won’t force me to change my opinions, and will respect them even if they are different from others. Someone who will eat the food I cook for them, and someone who is brutally honest if the food isn’t good. Someone who will order pizza to eat instead because I get anxious talking to random people on the phone. Someone who will hold my hand through everything, and never let go until I ask them. Someone who doesn’t need to say it for me to know that they love me, someone who shows it through everything they do. Someone worth giving for, someone worth every single tear, someone who I would gladly open my solid heart for.

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Movies

I love watching movies, every day I ask my mom for a new movie suggestion because she has great taste. Yesterday I watched this movie called Girl Interrupted, and though it was incredibly disturbing and triggered my anxiety, I definitely recommend you watch it. Here is a list of my five favorite movies, and I put a lot of thought into this.

1. Howl’s Moving Castle

2. The Breakfast Club

3. Kill Bill

4. The Perks of Being a Wallflower

5. Mulan

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Korean-Based Bands

I really enjoy k-pop, I am not a crazed fan so if you met me and didn’t like k-pop, I wouldn’t be rude about it at all. I got into k-pop around the time Gangnam Style came out, and I will always cling onto the days of second gen. Anyways, here are the few groups I stan.

1. BTS

2. SHINee

3. SNSD

4. f(x)

5. Day6

6. BTOB

7. 2NE1

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English Speaking Bands

Music definitely influences my life in many ways, so these are my top five favorite English-based bands in no particular order.

1. Grouplove

2. Cage the Elephant

3. The Lumineers

4. The Gorillaz

5. Nirvana

Of course I listen to more than that, but those are my favorites.

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Sexuality

I am a lesbian. I knew when I was in first grade and found out you could be with girls, and I came out in third grade. It took a couple years but luckily now my mom is supportive, my dad and grandparents, not so much. 

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Colors

My absolute favorite color in the world is green, and nothing will ever change that.