somberthoughtsseldomeffort

[somberthoughtsseldomeffort]

September 2, 2024

Craziest thing ever! I got promoted to girlfriend haha! My 8 years of being single as a pringle has came to an end. Im not exactly sure how to feel about it honestly?? Its such an obscure, odd, uncomfortable, and yet a sweet feeling. I think this is the first time I've ever had a guy like me more than I had liked them. I am so used to a slow burn, me realizing I like them, and shitting myself because of how I am when I like someone HAHA! Either way, I know its a good thing that he likes me as much as he does cause thats how it really should be. I just dont think I am comfortable with things working out well for me cause im so used to shitty things, and shitty people. Its honestly so strange HAHA I hope this doesnt turn into another life lesson where I gain more xp or something stupid. I may have to live life alone after if that happens to be the case man. LOLOL I am not even kidding that shit I will not be able to take dood.

[somberthoughtsseldomeffort]

2/8/24

Dude I am so freaking devastated. My heart literally is aching for the last like 3 days. I feel so empty, and its such a familiar feeling to have. Which is probably why this is a lil easier than before. But damn is this bringing up past wounds of never being enough and never being worth it for people. I finally found someone who would call me out on my lies, and my feelings, be patient with me, and comfort me and silence all the thoughts in my head and heart. I finally found someone who would be me for me, and now Im losing it. I found something so special and I honestly dont know if I will ever find something like that ever again. I am so hurt and distraught and lonely but its like why would I think for a second that it was ever going to be me?? It was never going to be me dude it never is. AHHH im going so crazy and its literally killing me right now HAHAAH i dont know how i will recover all that I know is that I have to.

[somberthoughtsseldomeffort]

12/22/2023

If I am being honest with myself, there would be nothing more that I would like for this to just be like casual. I like how we just dont bring it up after we have sex. We just lay together and watch lame tiktoks and laugh about it. I just wonder what he be thinking sometimes during, before and after.

[somberthoughtsseldomeffort]

I desperately need to rewire how my brain works somehow. Because how did I get so uncomfortable with people and friends and when did I start to think so hard about how people saw other people and when did i start to get so annoyed by everyone and everything. I dont get it.  we got invited to a party and all they said is they get off at 5 and that the other person is free all day??  I translated that to they dont want to be around me and dont give a shit about me somehow. Cause why wouldnt you say you couldnt do anyting till 6? but then again they are allowed to hang out with them I just wish they would have wanted me there to. Now I just feel werid around everyon and everyon fucking annoys me. I literaly can not stand it at all hoenstly 

[somberthoughtsseldomeffort]

June 23rd, 2023

    I am not sure what I am doing with my health at this point. I have been so stressed out about other things that I haven't really been focusing on anything like the gym. But now I have to get back to it cause not only did i lose 60 pounds i gained it back LOLOOL. So I have to make the efforts into being a better person for my health and the people around me . 

 I think I am going to try to do better this time. Again for myself and for my health I will try my best do do whatever that I can . 

[somberthoughtsseldomeffort]

May 17th, 2023

   I really need some time to self reflect or something. I feel like I am a prisoner to my own low self esteem and my continued effort to not only self deprecate but to just generally think i am not deserving of anything. I have been falling victim to this for years and quite frankly it has felt this way my entire life. I am so tired, and sick of being the reason I can not improve. I often blamed others for my short comings because if they had responded differently, if they hadn't put me though such shit, maybe i would have been better? Why couldn't I be birthed and raised with love?

    At my big ass age its really time for me to be responsible for the things that I do and how i feel and how i react. After countless rejection and no joy of things I want to do I would much rather do them alone than with other people. I think having the expectation of being treated better has really been my biggest downfall. I am not a maiden who men save, I am not mother earth that women feel comfort in. I am but a empty motel with a vacancy sign, i shelter those from long weary travel. I home them, provided needs till their well rested and can continue on in their journey. I am the back up plan but not plan b. I am A to Y and rarely am I ever Z. I cant seem to be a priority for anyone not even myself. days, weeks, months, and years seem to flash before me and yet i am still the same lil girl. Crying to tumblr and not making any effort.  I think this will be a promise to myself to do better and be better and just idk flourish. cause if i cant do it for me then who will 

[somberthoughtsseldomeffort]

April 27th, 2023

   You know? Whenever I thought about the men of my past telling me that they are without a doubt, in love with me... I thought that it was going to be more endearing.  The whole saying that once your feelings are gone it doesnt really matter anymore really be hitting differently LMAO. I just imagined it feeling different? I thought that it would be like some crazy dramatic thing LOL. it was so anticlimactic and awkward. 

   the call first of all, he calls me at like 6:16am before I am up for work. I just got ready and reluctantly decided that I would call him when I was out of the house. He answers, drunk, or on something honestly cause there was a slurry in his words. he was going on about how he didnt call me, and that he was stuck at the orleans because either he locked himself out of his car or the matter of his car just not starting for him? He had went on about how he didnt know how he got there but he got there and that he just knew he wanted to “ text” how much he misses me apparently Lmfao! see, now this is where i shouldve stopped cause i sarcastically said “ awwhh yeah you miss me hahah” and idk if that was mistook for a green card or what but he was like. yeah you know what yeah i do miss you. Then he trailed off on how he got off work and was like “ i got off work wating for you’ and i asked him what he was tlaking bout?” mf said “ I was waitinf for the love of my life.” and i asked him if that he was saying thta i was the love of his life? and hten he avoided the question just for him to tel me “ I love you” My heart skips a beat when I see you. 

GUUUURRRLLL i didmt know what the fuck to say other than hahah thats nice. LMFAO i dont care anymore. Sorry, you made your choice and that was the choice that you decided to make. I am not going to go back to what was a mistake on your part but a win on mine. Like that was the dumbest thing i had to ever go through and i couldnt belive it. I found it a lot more endeering that he was just going to live with his mistake and now he went on and told me that is wild. Idk how iam supposed to respond to that KMFAO 

[somberthoughtsseldomeffort]

April 21st, 2023

    it feels so weird actively losing weight again LOL. Not that I ever stopped going to the gym i just gave up on eating properly. Now I have to work my way down the ranks again. I was 200lbs last Friday or Thursday and today i am at 196 or 195.8 LMFAO! Its not where I was but hey its something right? However I should be proud cause gurl that is 4-5 pounds in about 7 days wow. Amazing! and as soon as you lose 10 lbs youre about to go buy those lashes you wanted :3 heheheheh      This time I am doing this in a more sustainable way. I am also going to grow this boottaayyy which subtantiously has already but i am depating if i want to go to the gym today after work or do it tomorrow morning? 

[somberthoughtsseldomeffort]

march 22nd,2023

     The way I have spent years, decades even thinking about how I would be a lingering effect in peoples lives. The little me who couldn't hear anything anyone would say to me because I kept on hearing the same thing. “i dont deserve you.” or “you are someone that no one could ever find” yadda yadda yadda. I have been traumatized by anything remotely positive being said to me because at the time, it felt like it was all just pointless lies. How am I supposed to feel like the winner if I am the one who keeps on getting left behind. How am I supposed to be the “better’ option but I am still the one whos getting the most hurt?? Well lil girl, boy do I have some answers for you HAHA!      I can finally accept that I am amazing. I am literally the demise of the men I have been able to spend the time with that I have. I am amazing I cant believe 10 years later people stll think of me. Fuck even 3 years later I am still a lingering thought in your brain no matter how you try to play it out.  the me that was so desperate to be loved and felt casted aside is now laughing in the tower she built while she was healing and i am just THAT bitch now 

[somberthoughtsseldomeffort]

march 14th, 2023

   the way that i translate things in my head is literally just horrible and I just wish it would be more beneficial towards me. I just feel like he just doesnt want to spend time with me and all i do is get mad that i am still alone when i have been alone all week. 

    I just feel so neglected still and i think that is my fault somehow and spending less time with both of them has been effecting me a lot and i just hate how i have been feeling lately 

[somberthoughtsseldomeffort]

march 8th, 2023

     Today is being rather difficult as far as eating and having the energy to do anything. I keep on having to constantly remind myself that i am going to be a new person. Actually having to put effort into myself is such a weird feeling but I am really tired of having a victim complex. 

     The fact that I feel that nothing works out for me is really because I dont truly apply myself and now I am putting myself in a difficult situation I want to just crawl into a hole and die LOL       You know how easy it would be for me to just stop working out and stop working 2 jobs? Just lay and rot like the rest of my life? Easy as fuck, and now I have to change my life style and work out towards a goal. People think that is a attractive and I think that is attractive. I have to love the parts i love about people about myself. I like someone who is firm, stern, and doesnt care what ppl say or do and I am the complete opposite. A bitch just wants to be accountable for the parts of myself that i cause to suffer that I blame the world for. 

     I am on here complaining because I have to vent out all my frustrations and as much as I want to not do anything and just rest I have to go to the gym, I have to work out, I just have to show up!! The only thing that is stopping me from my end game is myself and I need to remind myself daily so I can stay focused on the goal here. WHO CARES about anything else right now those feelings and issues do not fucking matter. What matters is the will to go on to be the hot, cute, short headed, ginger bitch you are meant to be. Stop finitizing of those women and start being that women. Own up to your shit and get your shit together you lazy piece of shit.  

[somberthoughtsseldomeffort]

March 6th, 2023

     holy shit this week was KILLER! I mean I am so tired, super duper immensly tired. I havent quite found my sweet spot that I have been looking for between jobs and having to meal prep has taken a lot out of me honeslty. This was just week 3 and i am pooped!! Although, to reach the goals that I want I need to stop making excuses for myself and just do. If i didnt meal prep last night I would have been pissed at myself today, and today I am proud : )  I am finally taking myself into consideration and Idk what changed in my head but I definetly would have never stayed up to meal prep after workign the way that i did HAHAHHAHHA. This is for the FUTUR BAD BITCH ME I SWEAR 

[somberthoughtsseldomeffort]

March 3rd 2023

  its been becoming a mantra now by how often I say it, but I am going to be so unbelievably hot, and unbothered that I will be having _____ quaking in his fucking knees. I will be my best hype person and now I have to just commit to that and do the things that I need to do in order to achieve those things . Ive made my list, I forced myself to go to sleep early, I am going to be a sustainable ass emotionally will but logically driven ass WHORE ( and whore meaning that I m funny haha, cause i dont plan on fucking anyone.)      honestly i am going to be so single its hilarious HAHAHAAH 

[somberthoughtsseldomeffort]

March 1st, 2023

the way that things are felling right now just feels so right for me, im finally so much closer to getting over that god for saken feeling and being able to actually live for myself for a change. I have 2 wonderful jobs, ill be out of debt and ill make my life being comfortable in my 30s. I am so thankful for the growth that i am expereinceing and i cant wait to expaind on that perpetually 

[somberthoughtsseldomeffort]

February 13th 2023

   my new job seems so cool!! i am not going to lie i was uber tired from this weekend but it could also be from like the shot i had to get. none the less i am so happy and excited to be working there and it does help make a change in peoples lives and in mine!!! Ooooweeee I am so happy :D 

[somberthoughtsseldomeffort]

Febuary 10th, 2023

   I got a new job! I really hope this keeps me busy enough to not think about him anymore. Not that I should throw myself into work as a distraction but man it really is what I am good at LOL. I love to just distract myself. It still kind of hurt myself in the end, even when casually talking with hiim i just think constantly everything he says he likes are just things i am not. And i wish i could work on my comprimarios of myself and what have you. I cant wait to have enough money to see my therapist a lot more too! i really wish I can just fix myself better.  Save money Save money Go to the gym save more money and jsut be a beauty with money and thats all i want to do lol 

[somberthoughtsseldomeffort]

February 3rd, 2023

    I keep on saying this like every other month it feels like, and each time I am more and more serious about it. I think I am finally, FINALLY closing a long awaited aching chapter in my life. One with a lot of growth, unhappiness, anxiety and overall just good outcome at the end of the day. I still think that I dont want to presue dating as anything serious and the guys that I meet from here on out are never going to fill a shoe that I aspire for. Just because the shoes are going to be the ones I am wearing. I dont doubt that I am going to be upset, but more or less its not with being upset with like him. More or less situationally being upset that making sense that i am not the last choice this time. I think it was wrong of him and myself to have done what we did with what I know now. I just thought he was finally coming around to the idea of liking me in that sense. But that was just my fantasy.       I think that the talk that we had to the wee hours of the night help shine a lot of light on that spectrum of what I thought we were and i feel bad for having the mood swing i am going to have. but all as well ends well and i am going to be the one who comes out on top this time i swear by it