Am I allowed to be selfish? Am I allowed to want to make things about me for once? Am I allowed to complain and vent to the empty internet?
Fuck it! Why not?
Iām so angry on the inside. Wellā¦ I think itās anger. Itās a different type of anger. I donāt want to punch or hurt anything or anything (for now š
kidding) I am just beyond fed up and disappointed. I donāt know why Iām hardly surprised. I shouldnāt really expect anything else.
I think Iām falling out of love. Not that I donāt love you just I donāt have any desire to try or do anything to save you or us anymore. Will I be heart broken and beyond hurt if we needed? Absolutely. But I know it wouldnāt kill me. I know it would probably be for the best. We arenāt giving each other what we need. Nor have we in quite some time now.
You donāt make me feel beautiful. To be honest I canāt remember a time within the last 6 or so months I actually feel attractive by you. I havenāt felt desired or anything by you. I donāt feel important. I donāt feel like Iām the only girl in the world to you. Havenāt truly felt that in over a year. I feel highly unappreciated. I do so much for you and barely get a thank you. Hell I donāt. I get back handed complaints. I go out of my way to do so much for you and I am still frowned upon because it isnāt more. You donāt show me off to the world like you use too. I feel like youāre almost embarrassed of me. Or donāt want people to remember Iām still around. Keeping me in the shadows. I donāt feel important. I feel like our children and myself are just side runners in your life. YOU fucked up. You have anger issues and took things too far yet Iām the one to have the blame and now my child is possibly in jeopardy because of it. But you arenāt concerned about that. You arenāt bothered by the fact that our son can be taken away. Noooo. But what does have you conceded is that you possibly wonāt be allowed to see your other two. Thatās your first priority and concern. Not the child that lives with you and the fact that if he does get taken away he wonāt have not only his father but not his mother either. You make me sick. Then instead of being a team effort on making sure our home is in check the first words that come out of your mouth are āyou better make sureā¦ā yeah. Because Iām the only one that lives there right? Iām the only one who is ātrashyā right? Iām the one the doesnāt take care of the animals you want so desperately right? Iām the one who doesnāt help with out son at all right? You anger me to my bones. You constantly bring negativity into my life and then get bitched at but Iām not happy and chipper like I once was before. I am done living this life with you. Yet I canāt stop myself from prayingā¦. Not praying but begging the lord to save you. To save me. To save us and our life together. Iām hurt and burnt out. I donāt know what to do anymore. Nor what I want to do.
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Went down memory lane tonight.... didnāt realize it would hurt so much. You live and you learn. Thatās all you can do. Make your next steps the best steps.
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A memory I would do anything to relive.
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Dreaming of you is becoming more and more often
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I had a dream of you last night.... it was so real.
We where eating at a pizza place and we were so in love. We had nonstop laughs. What I remember most of that dream was that smile. I would do anything to see that smile in person. Just one last time.
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Gabriela Mistral, from a letter to Doris Dana c. January 1950 (translated by Velma GarcĆa-Gorena)
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Baby Girl,
Why do I miss you so much?
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