someone-once-said-start-a-blog

[someone-once-said-start-a-blog]

It goes from..

…reading about healthy foods…

…to joining the gym…

…to counting calories…

…googling calories…

…eating just a little less. Nothing crazy. You just want to be in shape…

…weighing yourself maybe once a week…

…writing calories down in a journal…

…going to the gym more often…

…body checks…

…diet plans…

…weighing once a day…

…looking better now…

…Loosing…

…counting calories…writing them down… nutritional labels… going to the gym… diet plans… counting calories… weighing yourself before and after eating, going to the toilet, no clothes, no bracelet, knowing the calories in everything despite the fact that you only eat 4 foods, counting calories, meal plans, carb free, don’t drink calories, coffee and a cigarette, counting calories, 300 calories, 200 calories, counting calories, gym gym gym three times a day, thinspo, thigh gaps, 100 calories, fast, fast, fast, fast, lose weight fast faster why am I not losing weight ana buddies say it’s a plateau WHY AM I NOT LOSING WEIGHT BINGE BINGE GYM PURGE BINGE COUNTING CALORIES GRADES GO DOWN MEMORY PROBLEMS COUNTING CALORIES LOSE WEIGHT FAST FAST GYM FAINTING COUNTING CALORIES EYE BAGS AND CALORIES AND IM SO TIRED FAINTING CALORIES BINGE HOW COULD I EAT THAT HALF A GRAPE CALORIES HALF A CALORIE IN THAT BITE CALORIE FREE IS A LIE COUNTING CALORIES FAT FAT THINSPO COLLARBONES SICKNESS GAG REFLEX BINGE GYM LAXATIVES SIBUTRAMINE TIRED COUNTING CALORIES EFFORT EFFORT GYM UP EARLY SKIN ROUTINE HAIR LOSS COUNTING CALORIES BRITTLE BLUE NAILS LIPS BLUE BLUE BLACK BLURRY VISION FAINTING COUNTING CALORIES WHY WHY WHY AM I SO FAT HELP ME HELP ME PLATEAUS CONCERN LEAVE ME ALONE 110 lbs 100 lbs COUNTING CALORIES HELP HELP ME FAINTING FREEZING BRUISES COUNTING CALORIES NUTRITIONAL LABELS BREAK A FAST DONT BINGE HOSPITAL CONCERN GAINING HATE HATE HATE NO LET ME LEAVE FILLING OUT GETTING OUT RELAPSE LOOSING LOOSING THIN THIN YES THIN HELP ME HELP ME BINGE RESTRICT NO SOCIAL LIFE ANA BUDDIES CALORIES FASTING

…to death.

[someone-once-said-start-a-blog]

[someone-once-said-start-a-blog]

♡ just thin things ♡

collarbones that can hold water ♡

cheekbones that can cut ice ♡

tiny, delicate hands and wrists ♡

perfect porcelain skin ♡

legs that don’t get wider towards the top ♡

swimming in oversized sweaters and still looking amazing ♡

rocking those skirts and shorts ♡

flat, perfect stomach, being able to easily count your ribs ♡

“do you even eat?” “you’re so skinny!” “your body is goals” ♡

perfect, sharp jawline ♡

that amazing thigh gap ♡

people fussing over you to eat more ♡

looking cute in everything because your body is just that good ♡

being the skinniest of all your friends ♡

asking for smaller sizes in stores, nothing ever being too small on you, “I think you need a smaller size” ♡

not eating much because you actually can’t ♡

having people drool over your perfect figure ♡

being the thinspo ♡

tight clothes that show off your thinness ♡

reaching those weight goals you’ve been hoping for ♡

being thin ♡ ♡ ♡

being perfect ♡ ♡ ♡

[someone-once-said-start-a-blog]

Reasons to be Skinny

-Imagine your thin delicate fingers wrapped around a warm mug of hot chocolate as you look at Christmas lights with your partner -The reaction you’ll get on Christmas morning when you stretch and your shirt lifts up and everyone sees your hipbones and ribs -How shocked everyone will be when you go back to school after Christmas break -Finally being excited to go clothes shopping -Looking forward to summer not because it means no school but because you can’t wait to show off your new body in that bikini you’ve been dreaming of wearing -People will admire your self control when you turn down pizza and cookies -When your partner spoons you and wraps their arm/hand around you you won’t feel like you need to suck in to hide your fat from them -To look just as cute and dainty in pajama pants and a hoodie as you do in a well thought out outfit -To be excited to weigh yourself because you know the scale will say what you want it to say -To go jogging in a sports bra and shorts and not be terrified of the jiggle every time your foot touches the ground -To take the same pictures you spend entire days looking at -To stop hearing ‘you’re not fat’ and start hearing ‘you’re too skinny’ -So that when you put your hand on your hip or run your fingertips up and down your sides you will feel a tiny waist and protruding ribs -When you sit down there will be a cute crease instead of disgusting fat rolls -You can finally feel confident and happy with yourself -So you can pull off the style you’ve always wanted

[someone-once-said-start-a-blog]

Keep the flame going for those we have lost to suicide. 

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reminder to:

straighten your back

go pee goddAMN IT STOP HOLDING IT

go take your meds if you need to

drink some water

go get a snack if you havent eaten in a while

maybe wander around the house/stretch a little if you’ve been sat at the computer a while (artists especially: sTRETCH THOSE WRISTS)

reply to that text/message from earlier you’d forgotten about

maybe send a nice lil message to someone having a bad day?

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1. take pictures of your friends. take pictures with your friends. take as many pictures as you possibly can. even if they start to get annoyed with you, even if either of you feel “ugly” that day, even if you just took one the other day. because a day is going to come where all you’ll have is pictures and wishing you had more than what you’re left with hurts just as badly as losing them. 2. do the thing that scares you. do the thing that you’ve always wanted to do but have always been too scared to try. don’t force yourself if it doesn’t feel right but don’t be scared to try new things. as cheesy and cliche as it sounds, stepping out of your comfort zone, even for a moment, is worth it. regret is not. 3. it’s okay to hurt. if it hurts, that means it mattered. 4. sometimes, when something breaks, it cannot be fixed. there was nothing you could have done to make them change their mind, nothing you could have said to make them stay. the two of you broke apart, but that doesn’t mean you are broken. 5. heal, mourn, grieve. let yourself feel. don’t try to force the healing, it’ll come naturally, when it’s time. 6. there are going to be days when all you do is lay in bed, drink coffee, and refresh various social media apps. that’s okay. you’re allowed to rest, you’re allowed to do nothing. you don’t have to validate doing nothing. 7. you’re going to face a fear you didn’t even know you had. but you won’t have to face it alone. 8. don’t keep it all in your head. let the bad thoughts out to make room for the good ones. 9. whatever you think you did, whether it be in this life or a past life, to deserve suffering and pain does not exist. you don’t deserve to hurt. you don’t deserve to make yourself hurt. you don’t deserve to suffer. you don’t deserve to make yourself suffer. 10. you’re going to do things, you’re going to make decisions, you’re going to make yourself see things or read things that are going to hurt you. self harm isn’t limited to bruises or bleeding; you’re hurting yourself by caring about someone who doesn’t care about you anymore. that’s not to say that you should stop caring about them, but you should definitely stop checking their twitter account in the middle of the night. 11. you don’t need to look like anyone else to be a certain kind of person. you’re you and you are enough just the way you are. 12. get outside and lose yourself beneath the rays of the sun, escape to a place where it doesn’t hurt as badly as it does inside your house. 13. you’re gonna screw up, but that doesn’t make you a screw up. 14. it’s okay to set boundaries, it’s okay to distance yourself from others. it doesn’t make you a bad person, it doesn’t make you mean. it’s okay to put your own needs and wants above others. it doesn’t mean you don’t care, but you need to care about yourself first. 15. there was a person you thought you could never live without. and you will be without them. and you will still be alive. 16. you know what will make you feel worse, and you know what might make you feel slightly better – even if it doesn’t work 100%, it’s still better than doing the wrong thing. these choices are yours, so make the right one all of the time. 17. family isn’t always blood. sometimes, family can be the people who choose you and who keep on choosing you, not because they have to but because they want to. this isn’t a family you’re born into, but rather a family you find and create for yourself. 18. home isn’t four walls and a roof over your head, but rather someone that makes you feel safer than any building can. 19. happiness won’t always be so far and few. 20. never underestimate just how healing a car ride with your best friend can be. 21. you matter. you really do. 22. hope isn’t silly and though sometimes slippery, never stop clinging to it. 23. try taking your own advice from time to time. allow yourself to grieve, to be wounded, to cry, to hurt. allow yourself to heal. try to remember that one day, having all of this hope won’t have been for nothing and start promising yourself the things you promise others; that it’s going to be okay, genuinely and sincerely. because it’s the truth. you survived this year, you’ll survive the next.

23 things i learned at 23 // happy birthday to me (cc, 2017)

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How can I tell you I love when I have only met you a few times? Everyone told me that you and I were supposed to date and fall in love and in my mind I bet against them. I don’t want a relationship at all. In fact, I broke up with someone because I was tooo busy traveling. But the minute I shook your hand and looked you in the eyes I knew that you held my heart. That you are supposed to be the one that was going to love all of the broken pieces of me. At the moment it seems like it is to be much more than a crush. I have had my guard up for so long in regards to men. But suddenly I am ready to throw my heart into your hands and allow you to do as you will with it. I feel as though my soul whispered to me when I saw you. At the time I was too busy to listen to it but when I had time to sit and listen I heard it say, “its okay. Trust”. I have never believed in love at first sight before. I think that I always thought it was some sort of corny phrase that people used to get married too young. I swore that I was never to give my heart away from a look because I believe that eyes can be some of the most deceiving things on the human body. But then I met yours. I looked into your eyes seeing the loyalty that I needed for the next years of my life. The eyes that I hope will someday see my baby for the first time. The eyes that will look at me while reading my vows, while waking up in the mornings, while cooking, putting on makeup, crying, laughing, or anything else in-between. I long to hear your sarcastic voice and just sit in your presence with you. I want to know what it is like to hold your hand. I want to feel the hand that I long to hold for the rest of my life against mine running through my veins all the way up to ,my heart. I long to feel your heart beating against my head so that it can lull my back to sleep. I long to hear the passion in your heartbeat. When I am old and gray I want to still hear your aging voice and the way it dips and sways to remind me of all of the adventures that we cant dare to utter aloud for we made them when we were young and stupid. I want to hear us fighting because it is reassurance that you will fight for me in the same way. I long for your lips to trace mine throughout all my days. Tracing my body and all the scars and scratches that are on it making me believe that I am beautiful and that I am worthy of you. I want those lips to tell me the truth of Jesus and constantly incorporate It into our lives together so that we may honor him always. I wanna feel your breath against my neck. I want to feel your hands along my stomach and your chest up against mine someday. I want to look at you on my wedding night and know that this is the body that I will love for the rest of my life. The body that will give me children and the body that will go to work everyday to support our family. The body that will carry stress do our marriage and the body that will leap to relive mine. I want you to be the angel the I have been praying for to protect me. The one sent by God for me. No, falling in love with you was never ever part of my life plan. In fact, it was the exact opposite of my perfectly planned life. But i am so happy that i did. I feel like this was all supposed to happen even If my big ass stubbornness didn’t want it to happen. When i got on the plane to come here i was so ready to start over and never ever look back. I was ready for the next months of my life to be a restart. I was supposed to find myself and not have anyone help me in doing It. I was going to do It all in my own strength but then you said hello and I have never felt weaker.

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I use the drugs to forget you. But for some reason when I’m so high I can’t remember my name, but I can remember the first time I meet you. I get reminded of the butterflies I got when you pushed my hair behind my ear. I remember our first time together, and how gentle you were. But I also live through you leaving me again. How you said, “I can’t handle you anymore.” I was “just to much baggage.” You got clean before I did, you got your life together. I was just weighing you down. I guess I get it, no one wants to take care of someone who can overdose at any point. But I took care of you. And in return you introduced me to a world I never knew. You left me because the gift you gave me started coming before you. I don’t know why I could think getting high would make me forget you. Once my warmth feels my body, I can feel you with me again.

Sometimes I’m mad you had me try it. Sometimes I thank you because it’s the only think keeping me alive without you. (via latenightthoughtswillkillyou)

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Someone once told me that I should write a blog documenting my gap year. But if I am to be 100% honest with you, there are very few people I would actually allow to read it.  So, this way I can say what I want to say without a single person I know reading it and getting shade thrown my way. In fact even the girl that told me that i should write this is probably the one person i woould never ever let read this. Anyway, I leave for Alaska in less than a week to start my gap year.  I have so many mixed feelings about this.  I recently ended it with a man that I thought i loved because we both want very different things in life.  I am also leaving my very best friend Kaylin here in Colorado.  I am truly scared that she is going to move on and forget about me.  I’m fucking scared of losing her.  She is the best thing that has happened to me in a very long time.  Also, I am scared to leave my family.  My beloved family.  The people that have been so so loyal to me through it all, even when I didn’t deserve it at all.   I am going to miss my best friend, my family, cats, bed, and everything I am used to. But, I want to start over.  I don’t want to think about, or, be in the middle of this place anymore.  I am ready for a new start but actually so scared for it all. Im praying that the lord will protect me and keep everything in Colorado ok while i am gone. I guess I am just scared that its going to be too cold up there.