somethincoral

[somethincoral]

can someone hire me as a lighthouse keeper. my grip on reality is soooo stable and i will behave so normally under conditions of extreme isolation. and i promise i wont try to fuck the light

[somethincoral]

On this day one year ago, I was fired from Crumbl Cookies because my grandfather suddenly died and I cried when I found out and was on the clock. They make you sign a waiver to not talk about the recipes that lasts one year after your termination. Well guess what babes. That day, is today. RIP Nanu, you’ve been missed. But for anyone who likes the Chocolate Chip Cookies or the Iced Sugar Cookies, check out the recipes in the links. Feel free to ask about other recipes, it’s been a year but some things are just reskinned versions of these lol. Good Luck and Happy Baking.

[somethincoral]

Actual Crumbl Sugar Cookie Recipe from a former employee who is no longer bound by their NDA:

makes approximately 55 cookies (or 200 minis!):

ingredients:

For Cookie:

2 pounds SALTED butter

1.9 pounds white sugar

1.2 pounds powdered sugar

8 eggs

4 cups of canola oil

4 tsps of ALMOND EMULSION. can substitute for extract, but use half the amount. can also swap for other flavored extracts like vanilla!

6 pounds of flour

*half ingredient packet* Crumbl uses ingredient packets to make sure that only corporate knows the recipes, but based on what’s missing from a standard cookie recipe and what happens if you forget a packet these are the approximate substitutions

5 tablespoons baking soda

5 tablespoons baking powder

For the Frosting:

1/2 a pound of SALTED butter

6 cups of heavy whipping cream (40% milk fat)

7.5 pounds powdered sugar

2 teaspoons ALMOND EMULSION *same as before can be substituted with half amount of almond extract or vanilla if you choose*

any food coloring of your choice but Crumbl uses RED. you only need *drops*

baking directions:

preheat oven to 290 degrees F or 143 C

soften your butters in your microwave, this step is crucial. you want them NOT at all melted, but soft enough to mold with your hands easily

put your butters and sugars into a large bowl, it’s easiest if this is a stand mixer, but if not an electric hand mixer is fine. you *may* attempt this by hand but i would recommend you don’t.

if you have levels choose your most medium level and beat your butter and sugar for 10 minutes. seriously. and it’s probably not done. scrape the sides, if there is any resistance it’s not done. the texture you’re going for is like passing your spatula through a cloud. you should feel no resistance, the mixture will be light, fluffy and if you feel it between your fingers it will be silky with *slight* sugary texture. imagine applying it to your face, it’s a daily cleanser not a weekly exfoliant.

when you think you’re done put it on for another 2 minutes to be safe.

turn down to level one and add your eggs, oil and flavoring. mix until it creates a creamy soup mixture.

add all of your flour and baking soda and powder.

mix until a homogeneous dough forms.

Sugar cookies at Crumbl are weighed at 4 ounces and scooped using a portion scoop to get their standard shape, then flattened to about 3/4 of an inch thick.

or if you don’t have access to a scale this recipe makes approximately 55 cookies so do your best with that.

*if you want to make minis like Crumbl does for catering the weight is 1 ounce & the baking time is 8 minutes!*

place on a parchment lined baking sheet 2 inches apart from both the other cookies and the sides of the baking sheet. This will be about 9 cookies.

bake for 14 minutes flipping half way.

if you are planning to frost these cookies here are the mandatory next steps to ensure you don’t end up with soggy cookies.

let cookies cool on either baking sheet or on a cooling rack for 20 minutes.

put as many as you can in a single flat line onto a baking tray or something that will fit in your fridge and put in the fridge for another 20 minutes.

now they will be ready to frost with the frosting in the next steps of this recipe.

frosting directions:

soften butter like above

add butter, 2 cups of heavy cream, 2.5 pounds of powdered sugar, food dye, and flavoring to your mixer.

mix on low for one minute or until mostly combined

mix on medium until smooth

mix on high for 3 minutes

turn back to low and add the rest of the cream and powdered sugar.

mix on low until mostly combined

mix on medium until smooth

mix on high for 3 more minutes.

viola! you have Crumbl Sugar Frosting.

now to frost your cookies like they do at Crumbl….

fucking good luck! — I mean…

If enough people request it I’ll do a little video.

you want a smooth flat top with a little flat swirl.



[somethincoral]

[somethincoral]

Every once in a while something will go stupidly wrong and awful and I find myself back on this stupid mf’ing site. Like the best indicator of my mental state is when I come back here lmao

[somethincoral]

[somethincoral]

[somethincoral]

Your pace doesn’t matter, forward is forward

[somethincoral]

teach me?? how to draw?? the action of kissing????

Step 1. yearn

[somethincoral]

GOD so many quotable lines from this such as

“Ew yucky… that is gunk”

“It is just potatoes”

“Not the problem I was expecting, but I problem I can handle”

[somethincoral]

WHY DOES THIS FIT SO WELL LIKE THEIR MOUTHS ARE SYNCING WITH THE SONG PERFECTLY AND THIS HASN’T EVEN BEEN EDITED THE FUCK

[somethincoral]

MATCHA MILK BREAD TURTLES WITH CHOCOLATE DUTCH CRUNCH

[somethincoral]

THIS IS THE HARDEST I HAVE LAUGHED IN SO LONG YOU HAVE CURED MY DEPRESSION

[somethincoral]

I like how I only come to tumblr when I’m sad. I don’t think I’ve made a return to this site unless I was just going through the worst time ever, but I guess me falling back to my old coping strats makes sense if I fall back to my old mentalities

[somethincoral]

[somethincoral]

70% of girls in relationships ain’t even happy y’all just pretending

[somethincoral]

A great white shark, but the size of a cat and with puppy teeth unable to cause any damage and moves by dragging itself across the ground. Makes for a great pet