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i wasn't meant to live this long and that's why i don't know what to do when i feel this awful

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The whole, "K*lling urself is a permanent solution to a temporary problem" bullshit is spouted by the ignorant lucky ones who have only had temporary problems. Some people's problems are permanent so maybe try offering actual help and support to them rather than regurgitating an overused phrase that means nothing to people with real struggles.

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sorry for showing symptoms of the disorder i told you multiple times I have. Do you want me to kill myself?

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every year i reach new lows and wish i killed myself earlier

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I don't have the energy to care, argue, get angry, or over-explain myself anymore.

So you can misunderstand me, judge me, make me the bad guy, and I won't even feel the need to defend myself.

Whatever you think of me, you are absolutely right. Congratulations for having the most correct opinions.

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Everything they said to me was fake

And they left me when they didn't want to play pretend anymore.

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how it feels to be aware of your paranoias btw

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The fear of abandonment isn’t just about people leaving, it’s the gut-wrenching belief that you aren’t worth staying for.

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My two stages whenever someone leaves my life

Hating myself for pushing them away

Hating myself for liking them and letting them in, in the first place

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do you guys also ruin every good thing in your life or is that just me

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whoahoahoa look who’s back

i want to relapse BAD. if lux doesn’t talk to me by the time i get off work i may just go sit somewhere. like i did when i would go to the park before. where i’d sit and think “if nobody reaches out by XX:XX i’ll do it” and keep talking myself down.

8 years clean is a pretty good streak. i want to be proud of that but i really don’t care. i still want to cut almost every day and if it didn’t upset lux i probably would have relapsed a few times by now. but when he’s in a bad mood or trying to push me away i just want to give in. but i know that will make everything so much worse. but i want it so fucking bad. and i bounce back and forth between “i don’t care who it upsets” and “i don’t want to be any more of a burden than i already am” and i don’t think i can take it anymore. maybe i could do it and get away with it. idk if i could lie to him. but also he might not even notice. i wouldn’t want to look at me either. i actively try not to. he probably wishes he could leave.

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“i don’t want him to feel abandoned”

*abandons me*

what did he mean by this 🤔

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it’s almost concerning how horny i get when i see a xenomorph

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an unstoppable force (sub who is whining and writhing and shaking and crying because they can hardly handle any more) vs an immovable object (dom gently cooing i know i know i know in their ear while they refuse to let up)

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Pussy from a guy who whimpers and hides his face when you compliment him

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the new Eidola album feels like it's Virgil and I'm Dante and it's guiding me through every layer of hell, but in a good way