sonot186-blog

[sonot186-blog]

One More Light

Should've stayed, were there signs, I ignored?

Can I help you, not to hurt, anymore?

We saw brilliance, when the world, was asleep

There are things that we can have, but can't keep

If they say

Who cares if one more light goes out?

In a sky of a million stars

It flickers, flickers

Who cares when someone's time runs out?

If a moment is all we are

We're quicker, quicker

Who cares if one more light goes out?

Well I do

The reminders pull the floor from your feet

In the kitchen, one more chair than you need oh

And you're angry, and you should be, it's not fair

Just 'cause you can't see it, doesn't mean it, isn't there

If they say

Who cares if one more light goes out?

In a sky of a million stars

It flickers, flickers

Who cares…

[sonot186-blog]

The world's so different from me and I can feel a sudden change coming over me, I don't feel the same

When I've tried before

Still have a tough time looking in the mirror

Still sweating like a pig, I can feel the flame

It's like I've died before

You see I'm a cheater, a liar, a zombie, a monster

Drooling on my couch, watching netflix barely conscious

Cigarette burns on my clothes, on my boxers

Drop seven grand on a bag full of Oxys

Touched by an angel

Then you wake up depressed on a cold planet

Hiding in the corner, I was laughing at myself

I'm a one weight, third class passenger to hell

Yeah I'm self destructive, I'm casting up a spell

Lying bastard, mentally a disaster you can tell

Broken teeth, overweight, and my lips are purple

I am stuck in this vicious circle

Those aren't no damn mashed potatoes alright

Another fucking day that I have stayed up all night

I've recently met dudes who will murder for me

Now I feel like a bottom feeder stuck back in purgatory

[sonot186-blog]

I Fall Apart

You left me and it broke my heart. Three times now. And I am stuck doing dumb shit to escape that pain. That's all i know. I'm 32 fucking years old and I still haven't learned how to cope with this pain. The pain of loss. The pain of heart break. I shot my hand because I was afraid I was losing you. Now that I've lost you, you can only imagine the self inflicting pain I'm causing to cope. I can't technically get high all day every day anymore so im stuck being a closet alcoholic in a sober living house. And that is not fucking easy. I'm stuck hitting my truck. I'm stuck cutting my chest and stomach to feel pain and anger because anything is better than this hole in my chest. And I can promise you that when you think I've moved on, I havent. I don't care how long from now or how soon you may think it is. I'm broken. The boys STILL mention you. They STILL ask how you're doing. I tell them I haven't talked to you but that as far as I know you're good. I pretend I'm okay with that but it fucking makes me fall apart down to my fucking core. There's a hole in me that I cannot for the fucking life of me figure out how to fill. It's been months since I've seen you yet still dream of you. I still lie awake at night thinking of you and it keeps me awake for hours. I cannot figure out how to shake this. I know why you hate me. I know why and how I fucked shit up. And I blame my addictions. Methadone especially. But I'm clean off that shit and have been since we were arrested and yet it's too late now. And now all I want is methadone, shit, black, fucking anything to numb me.

[sonot186-blog]

Confessional

So between myself and tumblr I have to admit I somewhat slipped today. I say somewhat because I don't think of alcohol as relapsing but my po's do, my trackers do, my counselors do, narcotics anonymous does and my parents do. But I have been drinking all day with a couple of homies and I have been driving fucked up all day. And it feels/felt good. I have been entirely sober for 90 fucking days as of today and I couldn't have thought of a better way to celebrate. Started at Applebee's with 2 long Island iced teas which were tasty af, 1 absolute and lemonade and 3 beers. Then went to the liquor store and got fireball and Yeager and as of right now I'm posted up in my room at my sober living house (lol) which I had to sneak in through my window like it was high school and I'm currently waiting for everyone to crash out here so my homie Stretch can come pick me up and I can sneak out to get back to it. And can I just say that I have missed being fucked up so fucking badly. Lol. Anyway, that's my confession tumblr. Peace out and good night.

[sonot186-blog]

People close to me think I'm doing good. People who know me think I'm getting my shit together. But what nobody really knows is that I'm in the midst of the most intense breakdowns ever. I make jokes, I smile and stay looking happy. I'm good at showing people what they want to see and I think it's clever. Because I've learned in this life even the ones who care the most can't understand me and what I feel, hence their caring is genuine almost never.

[sonot186-blog]

Every thought I have is a battle, every breath I take is a war. And I just don’t think I’m winning anymore.

“The cigarettes you light one after another won’t help you forget her” - Frank Sinatra

[sonot186-blog]

Run away

Life is hard enough as it is but lately I've been struggling with the urge to just go on the run. The drug court program is keeping me clean but life is hard clean. I need to drink or smoke weed at the very least. I have nothing to get me out of my head. I'm lying here and all I do is think. About everything I've ruined. About how little I have right now. About how hard it is to get up and work every day. It's boring. I have nothing but structure in my life and I can't handle it. I can't stop thinking about just running. I know my buddy would go with me if I did. But if I left the person I'd really want with me won't even talk to me. I wish things had gone differently so badly. I wish I hadn't been so selfish. I wish I had manned up and took care of her like a man is supposed to. I wish I'd had started working back then. At least I'd hate work but have her to come home to. I'm just over this life but I don't know how to end it. I sometimes catch myself thinking that I may be actually immortal. I've been ready and willing to die for a long ass time but never could do it myself. I've prayed for God to just take me. I've prayed for satan to end me. I've prayed to odin. I've just prayed and hoped I'd die. I don't want to leave behind a legacy for the boys where their dad killed himself. That would ruin them. I just want to get in an accident or have someone stab or shoot me. I'm over it and if that won't happen then I'm going on the run.

[sonot186-blog]

I'm sorry

I'm sorry to everyone who has ever known me. To anyone has ever loved me. I'm sorry I never saw what I was doing to myself and to you who cared. I don't know that anyone reads these and if you look at the other posts I've put up on here you'd see why I like it that way. This is where I put up how I really feel. This is where I get shit off my chest that I wish I could do in person to those who deserve to hear it. And along those lines I wish I could apologize to the one I had loved for years. She put up with so much and I didn't really see it. She looked past so much and I didn't appreciate it. And in return I pulled her down into my misery because misery lives company, I loved company. I am misery. I am a nightmare to be with. I have baggage upon baggage. I have issues that have issues. People see the surface of me. I come off as funny and compassionate. I'm personable and fun loving. But when you actually get to know me you see that I'm selfish. I'm angry. I'm depressed. I'm broken. I wanted to be fixed. I wanted to be pulled up but I only succeed in pulling others down. And I pulled her down. I tried to blame her at first. I tried to say she did this to me. But I did it to myself and I did this to her. I've done shit that can never be taken back. I lied about my addiction and she even knew I was using. But I still lied to her about how I used. I lied about how I was going to quit methadone. I just fucking lied. It's what I'm good at. I'm a liar and a manipulator. And now that I'm clean I see it all. I see myself for the piece of shit I have always been. I'm trying to fix it but originally this sober journey began with thinking I just needed to repair the damage I'd done in the last couple of years but I've learned I have 14 years of addiction to fix. 14 years of selfishness and self loathing. Self destruction that led to the destruction of those around me who were trying to help me. I honestly don't like myself. I'm trying to become a person that I actually do like but I find it nearly impossible to forgive myself for the damage I've laid wake to in my years of denial. I've been a fucking loser for a long time. I had my own business, I had things, I owned my house. But even in those times I always put my addiction first. I remember I would lay on the couch all day and not do anything with my boys if I went one day without methadone. I'd lie and say I was sick. But the reality was when I had takeouts I would take a little from the next day each morning until sunday when Sundays dose would have none left. Then I'd do nothing all sunday and call it sunday chill day to my kids because I didn't have any. I've been a piece of shit for so long that I don't know if I'll ever be able to forgive myself for everyone I had put after my addictions. If I had a gun right now I'd kill myself. If I had pills or even a knife I would kill myself. I don't want to live with these memories. And so I say I'm sorry. I'm sorry to everyone who has known me.

[sonot186-blog]

Clean and serene? Nah, clean and undeserving. Life and love. Fuck the population.

[sonot186-blog]

I've put in applications to 3 different apartments and none have gotten back to me. Found out yesterday why when I almost had a place lined up. I told the property manager everything going on with me and was told that because I was honest I would likely get in. Only to receive a call back telling me ut wasn't going to happen because I have too many gun related charges on my record plus the felonies and they weren't willing to look past everything. My time is up in the motel I've been living out of so come Monday I will be living in the homeless shelter until by some miracle something works out. I won't be able to have my kids there at the shelter obviously, both because I don't want them to see me there and because their mom won't allow it anyway. I'm scared of what I will do without having them to cheer me up. I'm pretty fucking sure that life has given up on me nearly as much as I've given up on it.

[sonot186-blog]

I'm in need of a savior, but I'm not asking for favors My whole life, I've felt like a burden I think too much, and I hate it I'm so used to being in the wrong, I'm tired of caring Loving never gave me a home, so I'll sit here in the silence

[sonot186-blog]

In this life I’ve learned that no one can truly be trusted. I don’t even trust myself. You love and lose. You live and lose. Everyone let’s you down eventually. Everyone turns their backs on you when you need them most. The sooner one learns this about this life the sooner they can accept that life is nothing but struggle, hate and wishful thinking. I wish I knew how to cope with this reality but I dont. I need drugs. I need to run. I need to leave. It’s taking everything I have to stay clean, stay here and stay alive.

[sonot186-blog]

She said she can't feel her face, right now I can't feel my heart For your feelings there's no place, but she knew that from the start You and I were made of glass, we'd never last  You and I were made of glass, we'd never last  Meant to die, we moved fast and then we crashed You and I were made of glass, we'd never last

[sonot186-blog]

3/10/86

So I just turned 32. And I had an okay day with my boys and my family. Had a decent weekend but once the boys went back to their mom's a while ago I am left alone again and it gives me the time to reflect which I don't like or want. Because I'm left with the realization that I don't want this life anymore. I don't want this struggle. I don't want drug court anymore. I don't want 3 hr groups 3 nights a week. I don't want to pee in a fucking cup every fucking day. I don't want to talk to a therapits/counselor one hr every week. I don't want to tell everyone why I'm so fucked up. I just want to look back on my life, point out the good times and reflect on what a full life I could have had. And then I just want to die in my sleep. I hate what I had become and I hate where it's put me. I just want to start over. Or wake up and find out this has been a nightmare. My life has been a nightmare overall. And it's too late to fix it.

[sonot186-blog]

Why I used

I am constantly being asked why I used. What caused my addiction? Why did I start using? I tell them vague reasons and hide the truth. But on here I can say the truth because nobody knows me on here and i can write freely without being sanctioned by my po or the courts or bitched at by my parents and everyone that thjnks im doing so fucking good. And the truth is its because life fucking sucks. Honestly. Especially life clean. It's boring. I feel great one minute and I'm happy. The next I hate everything and everyone. I have energy one minute and the next I'm drained. I want to do one thing one minute and the next I hate whatever I'm doing and want to do something else only for it to continue. When I'm high I don't care what I'm doing. I don't care where I'm at. I'm happy. I'm told it's a mask I used to hide my feelings. Sure. Call it whatever the fuck you want but it made my life better. It made me better. I didn't hurt so fucking much. I didn't fucking whine so much. Drugs make everything better. Dope, methadone, heroine, oxy, xanax, blow, even alcohol makes life tolerable. Now I'm stuck on a roller coaster of emotions with only energy drinks and cigarettes to help me survive. I want to be high. I want to be numb. Otherwise I don't think I'll make it much longer.

[sonot186-blog]

New Chains, Same Shackles

Another day waiting for death

Every day that I waste on my list of regrets

So I tell myself, "It’s okay, day after next

We’ll make all these arrangements to change

You can better yourself”

I know I’m wasting my breath as I inhale

I know I’m escaping my death as I inhale

I can’t recall why I’m suffocating

My lungs are failing

Step into the mind of a Cut-Throat

Empty streets

Cold weather

All alone

Blackness, grey air

Just snow

Feelings low being followed by crows

Call list overflowed with hotlines

Drug help, mental, SUICIDE

Feel tired, feel dried and i wanna die

Pride fried

Closed eyes and you start to cry

Swear I spent a lifetime trying to get it right

Still isolated

Still out of sight

Keep my fists swinging, always ready for a fucking fight

I just wanna kill everyone in sight

[sonot186-blog]

I don't want to be alive right now, no longer at this moment

I wish I could fast forward a year and see if it's still worth it

Life is complicated and has so many obstacles

Too many hurdles, not nearly enough miracles

Fuck life and all its challenges, fuck my decisions and where it's put me

End me now god. I'm begging you politely, I'm saying it FUCKING NICELY

Send someone to shoot me, decapitate or fucking stab me.

Don't make me do it myself, I don't want my boys to live with that

Make my truck lose control and crash off the side of a cliff from a flat

I give up. I quit. No longer is happiness in my future but rather anger and hate. Fuck the population and fuck Nate.

My life is no longer mine because I give in.

Not to God because he clearly isn't listenin. Not to Allah because he doesn't fucking exist. Only to the darkness that's been taking me over from within.