soupskis

[soupskis]

01.14.24

Ah shit, I totally forgot this existed.

Anyhoo hi guys! It's been so so long and so much has happened so lets jump right in here I guess.

So I made this friend who's quite literally an heir to this aristocrat fortune like what. But him and I are really good friends I'd say, at the beginning, it was super flirty, but I'd much rather be just friends with him because all of that incessant flirting was making me a bit uncomfortable. And I know what you're thinking, "Omg but he was a rich British guy!!" I already told you long distance wouldn't work for me and exchange student, it wouldn't work with this man I've never met irl before. OH SPEAKING OF exchange students, we are still BFFs which makes me so happy, like how are we STILL speaking after this many months. Technically I guess I'm talking to a girl right now, we went on a date and were planning a second but it didn't quite work out sadly. Shes gorgeous don't get me wrong, but we're almost exactly the same person and I don't feel that spark. I dont know what to doooo.

Anyways exams are coming up and Im very stressed, as I have not gotten a single thing done. Whoever told me it was a good idea to start a new book right before exams has something coming for them.

[soupskis]

06.20.23

WHAT WAS I THINKING. Guy friend is JUST A GUY. HOW DID I NOT SEE HE WAS A WOMANIZER BEFORE. LIKE BIGGEST RED FLAG TO DATE. Need to keep that cheating energy away from me. At least hes a really good friend. Thats where hes staying. God, so glad I dodged that bullet.

Anyways thank the lord that ship has sailed. On to the new ones.

Snapchat guy (see I dont think this one will go anywhere because when do snap flirtations ever go anywhere.) He plays SPORTS. He plays INSTRUMENTS. He (allegedly) SINGS. AND he's in a BAND. Honestly so fun talking to him. Even though he lowkey hates on Bowie. But he's also cute, people. Watch this not even last a week.

SUMMER GUY. He's a guy I see and hang out with and he's so cute, but hockey boys are sometimes not it so we'll see. But basically, there's a whole story here. Every summer we go to this cabin by a lake, and it's like the most magical place in the world. And summer guy is related to a bunch of people I know there, so we met when we were like 10 and then never saw each other again. UNTIL LAST SUMMER HE WAS THERE AND BEST WEEK OF MY LIFE. We'll see what happens

That's life update for today. Going travelling in 9 days so very excited for that. Anyways if anyone sees this, I need an objective view of who you're rooting for, like any of these people or nobody. Who knows maybe I'll meet a handsome stranger on my trip.

[soupskis]

05.13.23

One hot exchange student later...

Ok so elaboration, he was staying with my next-door neighbours, we became friends and hung out a few times, and he left. We're still friends, and although he has one of the best jawlines I've ever seen, I'm not delusional enough to imagine it could be anything more than pen pals.

Now the moment you've all been waiting for... guy friend update! I must admit its a bit tiresome always calling him guy friend, so I'm giving him a fake name. An alias. From now on, guy friend is named Easton. I should also note any other names I use are all not the real names of the people I'm describing.

Ok so basically, I learned that my friend (ish) Scarlett has a thing for Easton, and he likes her back. They were acting all flirty at this party we went to yesterday, and EVERYONE could see. But Easton clearly isn't ready for an actual relationship, he just craves physical affection, and Scarlett likes him because he's there and he's hot. There's no way this can end well, and I'm so fucking jealous. Maybe that sentence deserves to be written like so with the following changes: Theres no way this can end well - Im so fucking jealous. Ughh. And I know they like each other because they confessed their feeling the other day, accompanied by "I wanted to kiss you the other day at that party." But this "relationship" (I say it in quotations because do secret relationships ever work? Are they even worthy to be considered relationships? We're not in middle school anymore...) is so strange. Also its really crappy of Easton, because his best friend in the history of the world used to date Scarlett and still harbours secret feelings for her. And I would understand if Easton ACTUALLY liked Scarlett, then nothing can stand in the way of love, but we all know this is going nowhere. It just sucks for everyone involved. I don't want the friend group to be irrevocably broken after all this is over.

I may also note for all you hopeless (delusional) romantics out there that are rooting for me, at one point I was making fun of Easton and he was like do you want me to throw you? and I kept doing and he scooped me up and carried me across the room. I might have loudly squealed. His arms though. God.

[soupskis]

03.24.23

I would like to say that I believe I'm completely delusional. Today guy friend did the exact thing he did with me that I considered flirting with another one of our best friends. He definitely sees me as only a friend sadly. But God. He's actually so fine. I was getting shirtless photos today and damn. Bad bad bad ideas. At least I know I'll never do anything about it. Plus he just hooked up with another girl. ALSO I failed my driving test. Twice. Yipee.

[soupskis]

03.20.23

Well, you know what they say, when your day is awful, write it all down on tumblr. It's actually been a crappy two days. Remember guy who I didn't see anything long term with? The one I was kinda with but not dating? Well he decided he needed to focus on his life at the moment. Honestly I don't think it was an excuse, we were both not feeling it which it totally normal. I just didn't think that he would actually voice these thoughts in the middle of the day. On text. Right before one of my exams. So then all I could think about was our failed relationship (let's be honest it wasn't even close, it was a situationship at best), and how completely unprepared I was for my exam. Then later I call guy friend, and he's so nice about it all, and trys to make me laugh, right. Well he was lowkey flirting and maybe I was flirting back, but mostly I was ignoring the small little things my gut was calling flirting thinking nope can't possibly be it. And the next day (today) we're hanging out a bit and its fine, except that I'm still in that shitty mood I was in before. But my problem is that I am an extremely good actor, and I tend to hide my problems because I don't like other people to see me as vulnerable. I know, I know that can't be healthy, and when we were supposed to hang out after he kinda bailed on me and I snapped a bit. I was just like "Fine. Fine. Its fine I guess bye." and left. And It doesn't seem like a lot but it definitely is from me. And I think he has been ignoring me the rest of today. Maybe he got the vibes I was sending out to the universe of actually finding him attractive and he ran away. To be honest I would too.

Well to make my last two days less sucky here's, What I Did And The Good Things That Happened So My Life Looks Less Sucky:

I made snickerdoodles

My weight that I'm so self conscious about went down (yes I have body image issues too)

My personal favourite, I was driving around in my car when the sun was setting and a bit after listening to "Doo-Wops and Hooligans" as one does and "Talking To the Moon" came on. So naturally I was singing along, pouring my heart and soul into this and suddenly I see a dazzling display of fireworks. It was like the universe telling me that I'm gonna find someone eventually and to not worry about it. It was honestly magical.

Playoff season baby!! My team will win I hope you know.

[soupskis]

03.16.21

Okay need a little diary, so this is going to be it for now. I don't care if nobody reads this but me, but maybe it'll help someone some day. It'll help me to get it off my chest. You know when you feel such a strong connection to someone that you KNOW you're meant to be with them. Like the song Invisible String by Taylor Swift. It's exactly that. Well then throw in the fact that this is happening with my guy best friend. Fuck. Never going to do anything about it though. I can't mess up the friendship, not to mention he's definitely in his hoe phase. And I have my own guy who I'm definitely committed to. I just know that whatever is going on between me and my guy doesn't have the potential to be a lasting relationship. Or maybe it is and I'm completely delusional. We just want such different things in life so I don't see it working out. And usually I can suppress these feelings I have for my friend. Every time he gets a new girlfriend I don't care. I tell myself I don't care. But then others I get hit with this intense pang of longing. Like tonight I have this cavern of emptyness inside, eating away what feels like my soul. And the thing is sometimes I feel like he senses it too, this magnetic force between us. And others I think its all in my head. What's keeping me going at the moment is the fact that right now we're in the point in our lives that anything with any real semblance of a relationship wouldn't work. Right person, wrong time, I'm sure of it.