sourarchiveee

[sourarchiveee]

My hell and my little lessons

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In the last few years, I've been living a boring life. No games, no goals, no battles I could win. I've settled everything between me, Harvy, and our father. I've committed myself to continuing my family's legacy, though I'm doing it in a different way from my father. I thought it was a win. It was a win for sure, but surely it wasn't so fulfilling. Not to be melancholic, but there's this void inside me no win could ever fulfill. A desire—or maybe it is longing, I don't know—that no victory could ever satisfy. It's the space for something I've lost, Shanika—my Ash.

In the last few years, I've been missing her.

She disappeared completely from my sight after we broke up. She didn't come when my world almost crumbled. She didn't show any strands of hair, not even a shadow or a trail of scent. Nothing. I know many ways to find a person, but I couldn't find any way to find her. 

I have shame so, I know, of course, she wouldn't want to meet me. I'm not gonna ask to meet her either. I just wanted to know how she's doing. I wanted to make sure she's okay and that's enough. I'll be satisfied enough with knowing she's living a better life and her world is far from crumbling.

But it turned out she got a surprise for me. A big one.

She's our child, Helio

I couldn't even describe what I felt that day, the second I read the message. I was beyond shocked upon the discovered truth, and I was beyond rage, knowing another truth that everyone knew all along. Everything was right under my nose.

"You would do the same if you were me."

It was Harvy's defense when we talked over a glass of whiskey an hour after I punched him for being the mastermind of the surprise.

"If there's someone that can do something so diabolical to us, it's none other than ourselves."

And I guess Shanika figured that out. The only person who can perform such a cunning and foul scenario on me is Harvy. She chose the perfect sword to stab me, leaving me bleeding in bewilderment.

"What are you gonna do now, Hells?"

"I'll get her, of course. I'll get my daughter."

"Why?"

That's the question I've heard the most since the beginning of this fiasco. I found it ridiculous the way people keep asking me why on earth would I want to meet my daughter—are they really questioning why a father wants to meet his own daughter? Well, my answer is pretty simple.

The day I discovered Roseanne, I found a new purpose in my life. Life finally has something worth chasing again.

But I guess I've committed too much of a sin. No one believes me. No one believes I can be a father, given my track records and personality. Dare I say I was a little bit offended, realizing people saw me as a literal devil—though it was true on some part. I admit that I'm not the kindest person in this universe, but I'm not a lunatic criminal. And in my defense, I tried. I've tried to be a better person, but I don't know where I am lacking. Which part makes me undeserving of my own flesh and blood?

"I'm planning to leave with Rosie."

I barely lost to anyone, but at that very moment, I was on the verge of losing anything. The fact that I care about losing means I've learned from my previous loss, right? I've been very determined to be present in my daughter's life. I guess it took more than fear of losing and determination to love a child, but I couldn't figure out what.

I couldn't hide my devastation—I couldn't control it. And I don't know what the fuck should I do anymore.

"Please,"

So, I kneeled and begged.

I've never kneeled to anyone before. Not my father, not my mother, not Harvy—I've never been in such despair, and I've never been so defeated by anyone before. Technically speaking, I could do anything. Screw all those deals and promises, and I could find Roseanne this instant if I wanted to. I had the choice to do the worst thing possible in this scenario. But then, I'll lose everything. So, the only thing left for me to do was begging for Shanika's mercy.

And maybe for the first time, I finally understand the essence of patience.

Hi papa, this is Rosie. I want to meet you.

It was the second time I cried. My body reacted within seconds to the voice and before I knew it, I felt a tear gliding down on my cheek along with a painful throb on my chest. Then, it turned into sobs. I didn't know I could cry like that. I didn't even know a mere voice could make me in so much pain ‘till I cried. My child wants to meet me. She wants to meet me too. My despair has been answered. I'm not a believer of hope, I'd rather trust opportunities and possibilities. But in that moment, hope is all I care for. The hope to finally meet my daughter. I spent the rest of the night listening to the voice notes I received from Shanika and Sean.

Uncle Ray, how are you? I go to the dentist today

I play with Nadine today, kita main sepeda, I fell but I'm okay

Uncle Ray, let's play soccer with me and then...kita belajar ballet with Nadine

Aku makan sup nyam nyam, my mama is a chef

I played her voice notes every night for the whole week. I've been guessing what her voice would've sounded like. Children have similar voices. Usually it's soft, cheerful, and high-pitched. Roseanne's voice sounded sweet and bubbly. I put my arm over my face as I closed my eyes, listening to the same sweet little voice again and again, wondering if I'd ever be able to hear it directly. Would this arm be able to touch her, to hold her within my embrace? Would she greet me in the same bubbly voice as she does in those voice notes? Would she look at me with adornment? I almost laughed at myself for how utterly sentimental and pathetic I am right now. People call me the great Helio Nathaniel for how unbreakable I am, yet the said great Helio is now lying lifelessly on his bed, listening to a voice note of a three years old girl saying babbling about her day. While, at the same time, everyone gets to experience it first hands; playing with her, listening to her stories, and probably receiving goodnights and hugs too.

It feels like a taste of hell—but I bet everyone would say I deserve this hell.

What is this sin I've committed again? Is it the sin of not understanding love? For taking it for granted and playing around with it? Love is always a foreign concept for me. I'm not born with a steel heart. My heart is functioning very well, and I can fall in love. And I know that to fall in love is to chase it and to win it.

"No, no, no! If uncle loves someone, uncle shows it!"

But even a toddler disagrees with me.

"Then how should you love someone?"

"Hmmm...like Papa to Nadine and Papa to Mama, and Mama to Nadine and..." she started babbling, "...Papa breakfast and dinner with me, and give me and Mama pretty flowers, and Papa say sorry when Papa does something bad, and no one is angry."

Nadine's soft voice becomes a background sound as I get consumed in my thoughts. Harvy told me to see what's the difference between me and the others in terms of loving. Marvin told me I don't understand love better than Damian. So, here I am, babysitting two toddlers to see if the love I have for Roseanne is any different from the love they received.

"Em," this time, I put my attention on Emily. "Seru jadi anaknya Damian?"

"Seru."

"Seru gimana?"

"Papa is super cool and always there for me, and...Papa bolehin aku to try many things. Papa gak pernah lupa kalau aku minta sesuatu."

"Kalau Papa kalian sibuk?"

"I don't know. Papa kerja tapi bisa main sama aku. Aku kadang-kadang ikut Papa kerja."

"I am sad when Papa is busy. But Papa still plays with Nadine, umm, banyak main sama Nadine! And Papa loves me lots."

I already know everything by theory. I have common sense, and I can figure out what to do to someone I love. I must care for them. I must show affection. So, why does everyone doubt me?

"Menurut kalian, aku cocok gak jadi Papa juga?" I asked both Emily and Nadine. Guess what? They shook their heads synchronously. I'm offended. "Kenapa?"

"Uncle doesn't know how to make Nadine happy when Nadine is sad, but Papa knows."

"I can buy you a new doll, then you'll be happy because you love dolls."

That's a good way to cheer up people, right? By giving them something they would like. Nadine and Emily don't really approve my answer.

"Tapi harusnya tanya dulu kenapa sedih. Om Helio gak boleh ngomong sebelum Nadine selesai cerita."

"And give hugs and kisses after that!"

Maybe I should've done that four years ago.

"Kalau Papa kalian yang bikin marah atau bikin sedih gimana?"

"Papa minta maaf lah. Tapi kalau minta maaf, harus bilang minta maaf kenapa."

"Yes! Papa must say sorry! And Papa must tell Nadine why."

They keep on rambling about how good their fathers are and why they love them so much. I take every answer seriously, interestingly. Me, Helio Nathaniel, is taking advice and parenting lessons from two toddlers who can't even spell their name correctly. I thought everyone was just messing up with me, putting me through hell on purpose, but these two toddlers with undeveloped thoughts succeed in knocking an actual sense to my brain.

They also gave me a real parenting practice. 

“Uncle Helio, kita belum beli ice cream.” 

“Aku beliin hot chocolate aja.”

“Om Helio bilangnya es krim.”

“Diganti hot chocolate ya. Kalian suka juga ‘kan hot chocolate?”

“But uncle said ice cream…”

“I'm sorry, okay?”

“Kenapa kita gak jadi beli es krim? Om harus bilang.”

“Nadine loves hot chocolates…but I want to know what happened to the ice cream…”

After spending fifteen minutes explaining why I must take them to a cafe instead of an ice cream shop, they understand that the weather is too cold for ice cream. They hopped joyfully inside the cafe as if they weren't disappointed just fifteen minutes ago. They don't really care if it's ice cream or a mug of hot chocolates. They just wanted an explanation. Even if I promised them a bucket of ice cream tomorrow, they wouldn't let it slide before I explained the matter to them. And they're just toddlers. They don't learn this by themselves. They are taught. I would likely be incapable of teaching them such things.

There, I realized everything. It's similar to what happened between me and Shanika in the past. It's my nature to seek the quickest and easiest solutions for every problem. But from what I heard from Nadine and Emily, all they paid attention to is the process, not the solution. The way their fathers consoled them is more important than the apology itself. And it's more important to them to be understood than to be entertained. I failed to understand love, indeed. I can fall in love just fine, but I'm not the best at handling it.

Shanika has every right to put so much distrust in me because I've always taken love for granted. And I have a long way ahead before I can be a decent parent for my daughter. I get a little lesson today, but I still have to learn more before I can be a perfect father for my Roseanne.

Everyone is right all along.