sourhuman

[sourhuman]

I need to remind myself more often that I'm doing pretty fucking great in the grand scheme of things. I'm not toxic positivity-ing my way from suicide attempt to suicide attempt anymore, I'm actually listening to my gut feeling even when it's leading me to decisions that don't make sense to others but actually work for me long term. I'm straight up talking about things that make me angry instead of just keeping quiet so other people won't be uncomfortable over someone feeling and expressing these feelings. I also quit smoking cold turkey one day after one of the most traumatic events of my life?? I'm moving mountains for myself and if me expressing my thoughts and feelings freely is unacceptable for the type of people I allowed in my life before, that's okay. If it doesn't work, it doesn't make sense to suffocate emotionally just to keep people around

[sourhuman]

"You need to be happy so do what makes you happy and satisfied in life!" -> "Oh no! Don't do that! It may not be illegal or even harmful to any living creature on this planet whatsoever, but it's not what I think you should do so it makes me uncomfortable, stop doing that even though it's one of the most effective things you've ever done with no harmful effects for anyone!"

So do you want me to be happy, or do you want to just feel comfortable? It's not exactly adding up, you know

[sourhuman]

Seems like I've tried to stuff myself into a defined safe box in order to have a friend group since childhood until sometime last year, and I had no idea how miserable the "fantasy version" of me made me feel until I cut off all previous friendships gradually. Even though I'm not hiding my social apathy anymore, I've been told that I come across as way more lively and fun by people who've known me for a while already. I also feel much more relaxed generally, more confident and comfortable within who I am because well turns out, if you stop trying to change yourself every single day to be whatever person you "should" be it's actually not that hard to accept and like who you are. I have many negative traits, I have just as many positive traits and I like the whole package, should've embraced being an asshole when necessary much sooner lmao that's what set all of this in motion

[sourhuman]

2024 was something else. I decided to actually let someone in emotionally, until we were coincidentally in the same city and I was going through a lot. I told them about it, asked to hang out so I wouldn't be alone in misery for like two hours and that whole encounter showed me I wasted a whole year building a friendship with this person and that definitely hurt. Now I'm at this point where I don't really know if all the trauma that accumulated over the past few years shut off my emotions permanently or just temporarily. A lot of things did really improve as well, and I'm glad about those positive aspects. I would definitely pay not to go through this type of fucking circus ever again though

[sourhuman]

Marchesa - Spring 2017 RTW

[sourhuman]

somehow…💗

[sourhuman]

Colliding Flowers by Jennifer Steinkamp

[sourhuman]

Gwen John - The Cat (1904-08)

[sourhuman]

I wanna be soft with someone and not regret it after

[sourhuman]

Stained Glass Cobweb

[sourhuman]

how does everybody just live in the world? I can't seem to do it

[sourhuman]

Anne Carson, from Red Doc>

[sourhuman]

Frank Paton - Witness my Act and Deed (1882)

[sourhuman]

Mona Hatoum, Static, 2006, Parasol Unit, London, 2018

[sourhuman]

On the Silver Globe (Andrzej Żuławski, 1988)

[sourhuman]

Maison Hermes Tokyo, Japan (2001) Architecture: Renzo Piano

[sourhuman]