souscramble - Tumblr blog

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still too tired to think about ocs anymore i can't place myself in the role of any of them anymore i just want to be myself and i want to be held

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i forgot to say i had to use a plunger on the bathroom bc it was clogged and all the fuckin grease and abandoned soap pieces from people in here came up and i tried to get it all out and this was all happening while i was wet naked and cold trying to just take a shower after spending half of my day in bed

i ended up getting the clog cleared after fishing out the grease n soap chunks. sprayed bleach n some oven cleaner on the tub, scrubbed it, and went to shower immediately. i wonder if its bad to do that bc mixing chemicals in closed space plus hot water but at the same time maybe i want something bad to happen to me so i don't have to be the only one in charge of cleaning up around here, maybe id get some help and pity if i cracked my head open on the faucet. but id be naked and thats embarrassing. lol

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he's so cute awww

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i used to do this it was very fun

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hi more doodles

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i wish i could have dolls of my ocs,, i think it would take a lot of the pressure out of my brain

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Rodney, trying to have a normal conversation about cars:

Dice, undressing his best friend of 4 years with his eyes: uh-huh, and then what happened???

they aren't together i just love fun

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nsfw ramble about my ocs

nvm i got shy and i already feel judged maybe ill update this later ugh

update: btw i never wrote anything or deleted anything, as soon as i made the line break, i chickened out

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but its never anyone's fault for real i just look into things too much

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nevermind i got hit with the self inflicted everyone hates me beam... nobody even said anything it just feels like i shouldn't be around anyone right now i might be bothering my friends by complaining like this... but i also want to hang out and play games with them so bad,,,, sniffle,,,, they're so nice to me!!!! sometimes i feel like i really don't deserve it and im just teasing their patience by existing,,, but that's not true!!! it's not supposed to be anyways im just over thinking things as always

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i want the silly speingest anarchy rainbow to grow on me but it doesn't fuck me up the way frostyfest did. like i could give less of a shit about this. it's cute and i love it but i will not be downloading this to my phone to listen to on loop

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my lock screen says unny should win ....

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real im so bad at answering im better and just listening

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wish i was more cartoonish, if not entirely cartoony, so i could cause irreversible damage to myself and have it leave no lasting effects or marks or anything once i get over it!!!! its not fair that i cant tear myself to shreds and gouge my eyes out and bleed out on my keyboard and have it mean absolutely nothing 2 minutes later!!!! suffering mentally isnt enough i need to let it OUT.

anyways ill reblog this with the minor inconvenience that caused it when i stop wishing i was dead already

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50 posts!

blah blah blah

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i can't help it

edit: nvm who would've thought that feeling like your friends hate you could be fixed by just taking with them as normal lol. the feeling is still looming in the silence but it is what it is

so like ignore this unless you wanna see what i get up to when i feel avoided hahaha ugghhhh (cringing but i won't delete to keep this blog genuine)

i feel like all my friends hate me right now i know it's probably not true but it could be and it's upsetting. i don't feel like i do enough for them so i shouldn't be so bothered that they aren't talking to me i mean. i get it!!!

it's hard to interact when you don't know how to help, i have this problem all the time so i keep my mouth shut and let someone else who knows better handle it so i don't screw up everything and leave anyone feeling worse than before. it's been like this for a long time because i screwed up so much before that i realize this is the best solution for me, even though it means im a terrible friend for it

but of course, when the same is done to me i can't help but feel lonely, especially when there isn't a "someone else who knows better" to handle it... i feel like im just being put in quarantine until im funny again and safe to interact with

but the problem with this thinking process is that i know my friends like me because they've said so before!!! i know they appreciate me and we all have moments like this and it's okay to be sad!!!!!! i know this in my brain but i can't feel it in my heart (corny i know) and it just really makes me want to cry.

i mean because what if i am just being annoying whenever im upset and not like. just normal sad.

i can't help but say it all because i got too used to keeping it in for years and now every time i get upset i have to say so like. i need to tell the world im feeling a bit sad. otherwise i freak out and take it out irl and that's never a good look (aka my stepmom disowned me for finally saying the way she's been talking to me since i was like 13 HAS actually been bothering me)

i have such a hard time talking about when things bother me because every time i go "no im just overreacting maybe im just a little overwhelmed it's really not a big deal" but it always ends up being a big deal in my brain but at that point i don't even remember what the problem was, and im just upset for no reason.

and i KNOW this but god forbid i Even consider saying anything it just scares me. i don't want anyone to dislike me i can't take it!!!! so what if my feelings get hurt? it doesn't matter as long as people like me goddamn it jeez why does it even matter i dunno;!!!!!! i just want to be kept around i don't want to be left alone i literally don't have anyone else but my dad and my sister MAYBE and my mom MAYBE and i can't talk to them about anything oh my god ugh this is the mmmmm im just the worst this is so pathetic

i forgot what i was saying and i don't really want to reread anything here so im just going to say im sorry I'm not really the best person to hang out with when i get like this and im sorry for giving anyone a reason to dislike me just tell me what to change and ill fix it if i can but there's just some things i really just can't do without feeling fucking awful and disingenuous because i can't convey my concern and understanding over text without everything seeming like a fucking joke because im scared of people taking me seriously even though i also want to be taken seriously i can't tell myself apart

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i wish i could do this but nothing is ever just a sketch to me 😓 i don't draw often enough, so everything that does come out of my hand feels like it needs to be the next big thing, and even it isn't, i give up right away.

drawing with a pen and being unable to fix it just makes me close the sketchbook faster because i hate looking at my mistakes, i can't draw one sketch next to another because i hate starting over

Here’s a video on why I only use a pen to sketch ✅ Hope you try it out, it has helped me tremendously to streamline my process and improve faster ☺️💕