sp00kytreestudent

[sp00kytreestudent]

What I’m Wrestling with

Vulnerability, more specifically our ability to open up to the world and admit our flaws and shortcomings, is what makes the world such a beautiful place to live. I believe that being vulnerable is part of what makes us human, and it’s what strong relationships are built on. As someone who struggles with anxiety though, the concept of opening up is scary.

Here’s a short list of what my anxiety has told me not to do in the past couple of months:

1.     Ask the baristas at my local Starbucks for a glass of water because I would be abusing their free water policy, and I also would be inconveniencing the employees, despite the fact they almost consider me family there.

2.     Make or keep plans with friends because it involved going into public.

3.     For no discernable reason, ask a couple to go in front of me in line at an amusement park so my friends and I could ride together.

4.     Give money to the charities that sit outside of grocery stores because that would involve talking to people. Instead I should make a face and a series of weird noises until the charity people apologize to me.

5.     Write this blog post because it makes me vulnerable to all the readers.

My anxiety tries to prevent me from doing a lot of normal things. I like to believe most people can ask for a glass of water or not overanalyze everything said in conversation. I often say my mind is always moving at a hundred miles an hour, for good reason. My mind is constantly telling me to suppress any form of expression, let alone open up myself and be vulnerable with people.

It’s funny because I’m a very open person. I am firm supporter of open, honest communication. It’s dichotomy that I have to constantly juggle because my anxiety tells me to close myself off from the world, even when I want nothing more than to open myself up to it. I understand that, to some extent, anxiety is important. It tells us to analyze the risks of a situation, but anxiety at a disorder level prevents us from forming relationships and puts strain on our ability to maintain relationships. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve cancelled plans with friends, or just not asked to make any because I was too afraid of annoying them.

I think that I’m always going to struggle with anxiety to some extent. It’s in my DNA; I’m not getting rid of that. But hopefully with the right combination of medicine and therapy, my anxiety can be managed. I have this belief that vulnerability with anxiety is possible. That’s why I feel like this blog post is so important, not just for myself to write out something I’m currently (and will probably always be) wrestling with, but for my readers. I want you all to know that if you ever feel too afraid to open up, you can do it. Talking about my anxiety in any capacity is me bearing my soul, is me being vulnerable, and as scary as that it, it’s worth it. I want you to know that you can do the same.

In some form of trust between us, I’m also including the text of a poem I recently wrote about my anxiety. If nothing I’ve said thus far speaks to you, hopefully this will.

Anxiety is my best friend

She calls me on the phone

Says “Everything is wrong. Fix it. Please fix it”

And I keep asking her what’s wrong

I keep begging her to tell me

But she just keeps screaming “fix it fix it”

 And now Anxiety is crying

I really don’t know how to handle that

So I start crying too

And I have no clue why I am

But everything is wrong

And I just want to fix it

But anxiety isn’t talking anymore

Just wails until she’s the only thing I’m thinking about

 Anxiety and I are so in sync

She cries and my lungs fill up on her tears

And I drown to save her from herself

And I know im on land

And breathing

And alive

But most of the time, with Anxiety, it feels like my lungs are burning

Like they just want to taste air, because they’ve been drowning in her tears for so long

 And sometimes I wish I was underwater

Where Anxiety is subdued and calm

Muted by the weight and depth of everything around us

And she cannot scream anymore

She cannot tell me that something is wrong

Even when everything is right

 And it is here that I realize why Anxiety is not always so bad for me

From underwater she seems beautiful

She seems captivating

Over there, singing her siren song from the surface

Daring me to peek my head above the water and spend more time with her

[sp00kytreestudent]

My Current Obsession

Top Ten Reason I Love The Office

The Office is my favorite show of all time; it’s quite possibly my favorite thing of all time. It was, is, and will always be my current obsession. As per the greatness of the show, I’ve decided to do the most cliché thing I could think of: compile a list of the top ten reasons why The Office is my favorite show. Really, it’s just an excuse for me justify watching the show for the third time and spend a couple of hours searching for gifs on the internet, nevertheless, enjoy! Lots of spoilers, by the way, so scroll at your own risk!

10. It is the easiest show to binge watch on Netflix.

             Because I am a big nerd, I have qualities that I look for when it comes to binge-watching. The Office checks all those boxes. The series is long enough for viewers to become invested in the characters, but it’s not so long as to bore the audience. The episodes themselves are mostly about 20 minutes long, the perfect length of a show to binge a lot of episodes in one sitting. The Office, as a whole, is also a show that doesn’t require a lot of brain power to watch, making it perfect watch from sunup to sundown back to sunup!  

9. It’s funny long after the show has ended.

             I’m quite often known to laugh for seemingly no reason. During conversation, someone will mention something that reminds me of The Office and the laughter ensues. The Office is so funny, that just thinking about the show is enough to make me cry from laughter. Even today, my mom mentioned the word parkour and I was brought back to an episode where some of the boys of Dunder-Mifflin attempted their own versions of parkour. Needless to say, I was doubled over in laughter for no good reason and it took me a minute to compose myself before I could explain. There is not another show out there so funny that it causes belly-aching laughter so long after it has ended.

8. It’s quotable.

I’ve had entire conversations with friends in nothing but The Office quotes punctuated with laughter. Turns out, those conversations can last 20 minutes or longer. You could probably find a quote for every situation. The Fourth of July was just a few weeks ago, and I can’t even begin to count how many captions were the screencap featured above.

7. I can’t help but root for Michael Scott.

             Michael Scott is a goofball. He often says the wrong thing at the wrong time. As someone with anxiety, I cringe at a lot of what he says and does. But at the end of the day, it’s obvious that Michael Scott has a heart of gold. He may have no social skills, but he has a lot of heart and personality. I find myself constantly rooting for his successes and hoping he gets through his hardships. I hate that I love his character, but I can’t help it.

6. The character development is fantastic.

             Watching The Office for now the third time, I love seeing the characters become themselves. I watch anxiously as Pam grows into a strong and confident woman. I watch Dwight grow from his awkward quirks and into a man that is confident in his strengths and weaknesses. I am excited for characters as if they weren’t fictional. These developments take time and are often as awkward as in real life, which makes it both painful and fun to watch. It’s a lot like watch real life play out in front of you.

5. Jim and Pam.

             Jim and Pam are one singular reason to watch The Office. The best word to describe them is iconic. Their love is awkward and improbable, but it happens. It’s sappy and it makes me cry because I am also sappy. Jim and Pam are also hilarious; they never fail to make me laugh with their goofy, sarcastic comments and their teamed up pranks. What else could you look for in a TV romance? It’s honest and fun and true.

4. It has one of the most original plotlines.

             Who even thinks of the whole premise of this show? I understand that the U.S. version is a spin-off of the U.K. version of The Office, but even then, who thinks of mockumentary of people working in a mid-sized paper company in an average-sized town. It’s about people everyone might know, but it is still funny and interesting. Not to mention the episodes themselves, each episode also contains its own plotline that’s not repeated. You honestly never know what is coming next when it comes to this show.

3.  The show is oddly relatable.  

             Despite not knowing anyone who acts remotely like Michael Scott, I relate to the characters and their experiences. Everyone learns lessons at their own pace. It took Jim and Pam years to get to each other. Michael never really learns how to act. Andy learns how to be a confident adult, but it takes him years to figure it out. In fact, I took a leadership course in which we watched clips from The Office and talked about the good and bad ways that Michael Scott is a leader. Unexpected as it may be, there are some ways to relate The Office to the real world.

2.  The pranks

             The pranks in The Office also deserve their own bullet (and number 2!!). They are amazing, off-the charts fantastic. I watch Youtube compilations of the pranks in my free time. Always and forever my favorite prank is when Jim dresses as Dwight. That scene makes me cry from laughter Every. Single. Time. If you’ve never seen The Office, or don’t remember the prank, I highly recommend you go back and re-watch that prank.

1.       The cold openings

The cold openings of this show are what makes it so special. They hardly ever have anything to do with the show, but they set the tone. The cold openings function as mini-episodes that just show how funny the show is going to be. In fact, when you type in “top ten best cold openings from The Office” into Google, you are met with over 10 million results. They’ve been described as “pee your pants” funny, and I know people who’ve come close to making that statement true (Sorry, Lyric).  

 The Office is the best show ever made. I made my mom sit down and watch it because of how much I love it, and I encourage everyone to watch this show, as well. It’s special and hilarious. My heart was excited to sit down and watch it again. I will never not be obsessed with the show, whether it’s the 3rd or the 30th time I watch it.  

[sp00kytreestudent]

Why Do I Linger?

Growing up in a land-locked southern state like Kentucky is HOT. I mean, heat indexes above 110° are considered normal by July. Even today, the heat index is 94° and everyone is rejoicing. People hole up inside their houses as much as they can, making use of sweet, sweet air conditioning. I’ve seen swimming pools built in the beds of pick-up trucks. Everyone does whatever it takes to escape this heat. It’s not very often that you hear someone excitedly talking about the summer heat, but when day turns to night… it’s a much different story.

Summer nights in Kentucky are my favorite place to linger. I’ve started and thrown out countless poems about the nights here because none of them truly capture the beauty of a Kentucky summer night. Yet here I am again trying to write about magic to (hopefully some) avail.

I’ll start with the sky. It’s full of stars. In fact, up until some age (read: recently) I assumed everyone was used to seeing stars. Star gazing is an experience that everyone should have. I swear, there is magic in them and in that moon. People sit on their front porches for hours staring at them. I’ve been at parties when the voices quiet down and everyone is looking at the sky in wonder. It’s a bonding experience, to feel so small in such a beautiful way.

Next, the lightning bugs. Yes, lightning bugs. This is the south after all, they will never be fireflies. Seeing them as a young adult reminds me of all the summers I spent chasing them, collecting them in jars, turning the lights off in my room and watching them light up. Lightning bugs capture nostalgia for me, and I could never grow tired of watching them light up the night.

The atmosphere is so thick you can smell it. Apple and pear trees blossom, honeysuckle ripens, and all these lovely, sweet scents permeate the air. It’s like your nose is wrapped in a hug. At night the air is not sticky with humidity, it’s sticky sweet and awe inspiring.

Southern summer nights get a lot of attention in country love songs, and while I hate country music, they get attention for good reason. With all the beauty everywhere, southern nights are always romantic. The older I get, the more I see how few of these summers I actually have left. I find myself lingering outside on the back porch for longer and longer. I spend more time at the mercy of stars, remembering all the summers I took for granted these nights, smelling the wind and listening to the cicadas call me home. I go running for home. I sit on the porch with those I love. Sometimes we are silent, sometimes we raise laughter at the sky like prayer, but always there is love and beauty and romance. I linger for love and beauty and romance.