spaceoblivionwanderer

[spaceoblivionwanderer]

things I'm not happy with

I am not happy with my perspective, whenever I see rich people, I automatically think that they're better, I'm inferior to them and I feel like it's so unfair how some people are just born rich

I am not happy that I think so much about what other people think

I am not happy on how much I hate myself, I hate my weight, my scars and my height

I hate that I get soooo mad easily

I hate that I'm selfish and I always think that I am for sure right when thinking about the intentions of others, it's as if, because that's what I think or feel about certain matters, automatically it's what they think and feel too because that's just how humans work.

I hate that most of the time, I am so overly confident that everything will work out when in reality I am unsure of its outcome, because of this mindset I keep on procrastinating.

[spaceoblivionwanderer]

JUNE 8, 2022

Lumabas kami nina angel, i feel so fat. I am so concious about my body and I don't know what to do anymore, tomorrow, I WONT EAT ANY SUGAR!! FOR 3 DAYS I WON'T I NEED TO LOSE WEIGHT!!

[spaceoblivionwanderer]

06/03/2022

THE GREATEST MIRACLE HAPPENED!! yesterday, i was crying so hard, I'm so lost, sobrang late ko na naipasa yung manuscript kay ma'am and kulang kulang ako sa data. I was calling out to Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ because I don't know what to do anymore, i am so so so afraid and lost and....i'm asking Heavenly Father to please make the pain stop, please, I don't deserve it but please God. HE LISTENS, HE'S THERE, ngayon...nag message sakin si ma'am fritz na hindi na daw ako mixed...na pwede na ako mag pa validate....the things na kinaka takutan ko....poof....gone. Thank you Lord God almighty.

[spaceoblivionwanderer]

5/10/2022-10:36PM

Something changed within me, my perspective in life shifted 360 and I can't seem to be contented with what I have. First things first, I feel this immense pressure, my mind is constantly clouded with evading thoughts of wanting to do something out of my comfort zone...but not being good enough to actually try it. I look at my surroundings and noticed that I'm still asking my parents for everything......for money, food, clothes and those around me doesn't do that because they work for it. Me, here i am, nothing changed, I'm still the same anne who use to write on Tumblr years ago. I WANT TO TRY SOMETHING NEW!! I WANT TO DO SOMETHING!! I WANT TO EARN MY OWN MONEY SO I CAN STOP ASKING MY PARENTS FOR SOME!! I WANT TO BE ABLE TO PROVIDE FOR MYSELF....but i don't know how, i don't have the skills nor the resources to look for a job that fits me or i'd be good at. Whenever I'm making progress, i kept going back for default and it's making me crazy. I WANT CHANGE, EVERYONE IS CHANGING BUT NOT ME, IM STILL ME. STILL ME. STILL ME. STILL ME. so what do I do? i kept going back to the things that doesn't make me grow but keeps me happy, unproductive things such as reading a romance book or watching cooking videos, will someone help me....please save me from my misery. please God. i can't help it, i kept going back and back and back at it again. I'm envious of everyone who can afford to do stuff using their own money, money that i wonder where they got it from, my head feels like it's about to explode, apart from the pain from the results of elections, I'm stressed with my thesis and my exams tomorrow. i want to go but i don't know where to start. Oh God, i truly don't deserve it, i don't deserve your love, I'm a liar and a mess, a liar, i don't even know why I'm writing you this knowing that I'm not worthy to ask you for anything, but dear God, Jesus Christ, i am so so so far from the herd, i can't see you, but i feel you sometimes, if you happen to see a dirty and damaged sheep along the way, please help her, help me, i beg you, my mind is ruining me, i don't know where to start Lord.

[spaceoblivionwanderer]

12/9/2021

So we had a sleep over in A and A's house cause we were planning to watch the premiere night of "Love is color blind" I went there at around 6:30pm and when we went to alyssa and aldin's house, pumunta muna kami sa dimsum para bumili ng sharksfin and we were laughing all the way their and back because of an inside joke na "Weird" yung quotation ni luis dun sa project niya HAHAHA shemay LT talaga mga bhie. Nag study lang kami, chicka chicka for hours tas naglaro ng Uno uy may dare yan ah, buti nalanh di ako natalo. Sabay sabay kami nag breakfast and I swear, sometimes I want the time to stop. Just for a moment, i want to cherish my time with them kasi we get each other and I genuinely love my childhood friends.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KD2EiaIwTH4 song stamp: 12:45

[spaceoblivionwanderer]

12/10/2021

You know what they say, bring your worries into light and they too would lose it's weight hahahah may ganito ba? My emotions are too much anne, that's what's wrong with me....i feel too much. Let me state all my worries. 1. So apparently my childhood friends whom I recently reconnect with (Alyssa and Aldin) are going abroad to study. I genuinely love spending time with them, it was always full of laughter with i'm with them 4. I'm definetely going to miss the sleep over's, late night games, movie marathon, chika's, trips going to the store and more. I will miss you guys, so so much.

2. Next, THESIS FREAK YOU. I will survive tho, I know!! I AM.

[spaceoblivionwanderer]

11/4/2021

I feel so blessed anne, today was such a great day. I went with JM, Luis, Alyssa and Aldin to eat at this samgyupsal place and it was good but expensive, ubos na 1k ko bhie hahaha but when we went to alyssa's house to just tambay, we had such a great and funny conversations, it was so fun and now we're planning to have a sleep over so we could study together hahaha, on monday I'm going to ate dianne's office to get some paperwork for national id, I was able to list my name on the one who's going to get flu and pneumothorax vaccines FOR FREE!! It was wild hahaha, I am so lucky and I am so blessed. Count your blessings babe.

[spaceoblivionwanderer]

dearest a,

Hi love, kamusta kana sis? it's september 1, 2021/11:29am and here i am, writing you a letter. If you ought to ask my current state, I can tell you one thing-i've been doin good :)) i've change, i can now control my thoughts and emotions. I now know how to handle them, you know? I use to feel like everyone is thinking this and that, like they're all coming for me but now, I can control my emotions and choose where to put my energy into, except for anger (still working on this) pero ayon, how are you sis? kakatapos ko lang mag enroll for 3rd year and ohhh boy was i scared, i know that I can overcome this tho like I overcome major trials in my life but just to let you know, I am not in a good place, spiritually. I think I'm losing my faith, not in God but in my religion but then again maybe it comes hand by because I feel my spirit felt so weak, I don't understand certain things like why can people enjoy their whole life doing things and yet still, they're abundantly blessed and we have to follow rules that I still don't know the reasons behind. I have so many questions and it's eating my slowly but surely, it's like I lost my interest in religion in general (which is sad) but yeah, apart from that our birthday is near, I wonder what you did, one wish for you is that I hope your genuinely happy, the type of happiness that you felt whenever you listen to new songs or go to new places, the feeling of your heart wanting to burst (in a good way of course), i'm going to end this here. You can do it anne, remember our struggles in senior high and first years of college, I personally think that we've proven enough that I, I MEAN WE ARE CAPABLE, I AM ENOUGH, I AM TALENTED, I AM BLESSED, I AM SMART, I AM LOVING AND RELIABLE, I AM AMAZING AND I WILL BE THE GREATEST NURSE THERE IS, I AM SUCCESSFUL, I AM SPIRITUALLY, PHYSICALLY, EMOTIONALLY, MENTALLY AND FINANCIALLY RICH, I AM ACHIEVING MY DREAMS AND I CAN BE ANYTHIING AND ANYONE I WANT TO BE!!!! LET'S GOOOO SELF

[spaceoblivionwanderer]

and just like that Jae-eon slowly seeped into my life.

[spaceoblivionwanderer]

in a parallel universe

[spaceoblivionwanderer]

07-30-2021

When we planned the sleep over wednesday night, I had lots of doubts. Mainly because I haven’t see or talked to them in a while and I’m afraid that it will be quite awkward. The plan was 1pm but I got there at around 2 because I had sort of crisis on what to wear since everything that I try is making me look fat or I am really just fat and I don’t want them to see me looking ugly for they haven’t seen me in like.... years. When I went to JM’s house, I was still adjusting but then everything went smooth, when go to alyssa and aldin’s house. I don’t know why but it’s not awkward at all haha we clicked on really well and the conversation flew left and right, we talked about college, our plans, families, pampanga and so on. We then went upstairs to get ready for luis’s photoshoot and we played some music. IT WAS SOOOO FUN, there may be moments were we became quite irritated and annoyed with the jokes but it was still full of laughter. We went and buy food, played uno, have our chickas and spent about an hour and a half chosing a movie to watch hahaha, we talked about personal problems. I don’t even know what’s gotten into me but I feel like I have a crush on him ahhhh no freakin way but anyways, we have another meeting on august 6, hope I could come. Tell me future anne, how did it went?

[spaceoblivionwanderer]

07/4/21

who are you? i wonder who my soulmate would be, thinking of love now is so magical and i feel like my heart’s about to burst. I‘m currently listening to ”pov’s: you’re inlove” playlist and i kept imagining my future with someone ahhhhh✨ e n c h a n t i n g ✨ the word that i hope to think of when i finally meet you, future love.

[spaceoblivionwanderer]

06/13/21

ahh yes, here we go again hahaha. Hi there ann, if you’re reading this, i genuinely hope that you are in a great place-although I know that hardships would always come and there will always be days where you’d feel like not exsiting, it will always get better because for some reason it just does. i think i’m having an existencial crisis right now, i felt kinda alone-AGAIN but apart from that i feel nothing opps lemme rephrase that, I feel miserable. i don’t have anything to be excited for, my days always consist of the same routine and i’m so tired of not feeling anything u know? i’m so tired of not changing, i’m so tired of being......me. if the universe is listening to me right now, can you please give me something? anything good? please? i am begging u-please let me feel happiness again...please.

[spaceoblivionwanderer]

not lockscreens but here's some life updates :-)

[spaceoblivionwanderer]

MAY 3, 2021

I just finished watching vincenzo and I can’t stop thinking about them, I can’t stop thinking about song joongki and jeon yeobeen. All of this is too much for my heart, I genuinely wish that they would end up together because their chemistry is so on point. 

[spaceoblivionwanderer]

what matters most?

so she tells you that she has d as her study buddy now right? why are you feeling this emotions? first of all, a study buddy is great and ol but you love studying alone because you have your own way of studying and besides you’ll feel bad if you can’t contribute to anything and lastly so the fudge whut? di you go to college to find friends? NO, you did it for your future as a nurse, in five years time all of this friendships and study buddies wont even matter since you have your own path and all, you dont have to feel threatned if she has greater friends than you because let’s not discredit the fact that she’s also one of the reason why your first year in college is memorable, stop focusing on the negative side my love, that’s satan telling you na look may study buddy siya she would be better than you, if she is then so what? as long as you’re doing your part then there’s nothing wrong going on mi love, nothing.

[spaceoblivionwanderer]

03-19-2021

Hi anne, kamusta kana? you did a great job in taming your emotions-i just want you to know that i’m doing great, actually no. I think im having an existencial crisis-lately, my performance has been low and now i’m questioning wheter i’m learning, i cant even answer basic questions or health teachings-it’s actually quit sad, really. Anyways, I hope you read a lot and I hope that you overcome this one too, hwaiting anne!! <3