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$20 used to mean something

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she asked me if i cain kill her with a rock i said i might be abel to

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hate when I'm trying to just take a normal drink but it turns out I'm thirstier than I thought so I end up gulping it down like a goddamn cartoon characer. the indignity of water lust.

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met a woman today whose original real actual given-at-birth first name is "Vendetta." ma'am are you aware you are a videogame protagonist and/or a character in a skullduggery pleasant novel. real quick sorry to bother you miss but who exactly were your parents expecting you to avenge in their name

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for those not in the know, new york, infamous for its traffic, introduced congestion pricing.

this is a $9 toll for cars entering parts of the city. this of course was met with carcels loudly complaining that it would ruin the economy, but the opposite happened:

Subway usage up 11%!

# of reported crimes down by 36%*! (*data from nypd, who have a history of lying about crime data. number is most likely much higher)

car crash related injuries fell 51%!

car honking complaints down 67%!

broadway attendance up by 21%! restaurant reservations up 7%!

fuck yeag public transit!

(disabled ppl are exempt from congestion pricing ❤️)

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an ice cold beer topped with a scoop of vanilla ice cream. lying on top of the ice cream foam is a salted peanut. this is the angel. around him are sprinkles (his tears). this is "the angel's lament", my new cocktail

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talking to preschoolers is awesome bc they have not fully differentiated stories into 'true stories' and 'imaginary stories' yet so you will tell them about something that happened you once (coyote came out of a bush right in front of you and got startled) and they will tell you about how one time their house was full of coyotes in every room 'including five in the garage' and they're not even like, aware i think of the idea that they are technically 'lying'. they are simply telling stories about coyotes bc its time to tell stories about coyotes.

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Albino CAPY!!!

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when me and my boyfriend make meals we have a tradition of sending each other unappetising off-centre photographs of them in poor lighting. we call this "wikipedia food".

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going north? you know the kind of shit that goes above the equator? I'll stay right here, thanks

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this is one of the best posts ever

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my favorite thing about navigating fanfiction is finding a really good one and being all “oh boy this was good, I hope they have more!” and literally every other story they’ve ever written was for like Miami Vice 

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snuck into area 51 and i saw a spawner with a rotating unabomber in it but the cia had placed 4 torches one on each side

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