spaghettmeouttahere

[spaghettmeouttahere]

You’re 7 years old and everyone is home.

Mom is cooking,

dad is watching TV,

and your siblings are doing their own thing,

but everyone is home.

[spaghettmeouttahere]

10.2.24

its almost 11 pm and everything hurts again. you know, this time last year i wasnt talking to him? he had boards. its the same feeling all over again, except there is no end date. i feel so sad. its going to be summer soon. you know last summer was just about him. just like this summer will be. and my heart feels like wet clothes being wrung out. so painfully twisted. i feel so much helplessness and sad sad sad nostalgia. fuck my life. my heart is so heavy i cant even get up because of it's weight. what is he doing right now? its a saturday morning he could be doing anything. and getting on vid call w everyone to "study" was the thing i did last year, thinking about him the entire time. then, i would feel happy everytime i laughed with my friends. id think "see, even if you dont have him, you have them. youre so happy with them. it's still okay. youre pretty happy you know"

now, everytime i laugh, all im thinking is that he isnt here. i cant tell him about this. my friends dont know anything about me anymore. the laughing is so superficial. im not filled with any love and hope in my heart when i laugh with my friends anymore. isnt that so sad? they dont know me. he knows me. but he isnt here. while im laughing, i think to myself 'the second you end the call you're going to burst into tears' and here i am. bursting onto tumblr. same thing. there is so much hurt inside me i dont even kno w what to say who to tell. i dont knwo what music to listen to. im too afraid of going to the terrace now, especially at night. of course id be expecting him there. sitting on the platform, playing carti while waiting for me. he'd always get there first. he knows im scared of being in the dark alone. im so lonely bye

[spaghettmeouttahere]

9/2/24

i havent written or talked about it since he left and its almost been 20 days and my heart feels so stiff and so empty and so tired and so sad im so sad i miss everything i miss my life i miss him i miss how it used to be i miss everything. i dont want to talk about it, except i do sometimes. i want to talk about it. with him. but he's not here because he isnt here. because if he was here, i wouldnt be here at 10:30 pm writing this out, id be texting him. god okay. i don t know how its goign to go.

i met his parents today, you know. his dad asked me how the weddings went, how my exams went. i said everything went very well and now its over, how he was, how amogh was. he said "it was krishivs birthday 2 days ago" "yeah yes uncle i know" i did know. my heart was in my mouth on 7th at 12 am. and in my throat all night. i couldnt wish him i couldnt wish him i didnt say happy birthday and i didnt say all the happiness in the world, i hope it goes to you. "my birthday is soon too" "yes he told me its in feb, but i cant remember. when is it?" "12th uncle" "ohh ok" and then i gathered all my courage. "how did his exam go uncle?" "which exam?" "the calculus one" "ohhhhh yes he got 96" "obviously." both of us laughed. ofcourse he got 96. he is so smart you know. the smartestpant in the whole world. ofcourse he'd do so so so well. i know he felt sad he couldnt tell me. i know he knows im so proud of him. and then his mom entered. all of us laughed, i said hi. she asked me how i had been. "how are you aunty" "very good" "its amoghs farewell today" "oh my goddd thats so fun." "you know you can still come home sometimes madam. its nice to have you around" my heart was coming back up again. no crying anjali. "aw yes aunty ill come to eat i love the food at your house" "yes please come we like having you" and then we said bye. i felt so happy. when i stepped out of the gym, i was out of his life again, but just for one minute, i was back in his world. i loved being in his world did you know? he was my entire world u know. my heart hurts again. everything feels tight and i dont feel like i have anyone to talk to. i read old texts with him today for almost 2 hours, and my mind tried to convince me that i had spoken to him today, because of how many thousands of texts from him i had read all at once. but he isnt here. he isnt here he isnt here. even if id give everything for him to be here. he isnt here

[spaghettmeouttahere]

another reason i hate growing up is because i get to know myself better. which seems like a cool thing, "wow i understand myself better" and "now i know why i reacted like this that day" but no one talks about how it's just not true when you realise you're actually maybe a terrible person. i dont want to know who im becoming. the girl i've been acting like is disgusting me and i think she's here to stay. i can see myself choosing to be a bad person everyday. i can feel myself getting mad at people who dont even deserve it. im hyper aware of the situation and i still let it happen. i do not like who im becoming and maybe it's not too late to change but here's the worst part: i dont want to change. i want to stay a pathetic mess and this is the newest fact i've learned about myself and this is why i hate growing up. growing up is nice when you aren't growing up to be whatever the hell i am. ordinary in the nastiest way possible.

[spaghettmeouttahere]

weird girls standing in the middle of the road to take pictures of trees and the moon: i love you

[spaghettmeouttahere]

heart feels so heavy i cannot take this need to pull it out and pet it and comfort it and tell it everything will be ok in my hands

[spaghettmeouttahere]

richard siken the head #5

And no one can ever figure what you want,

and you won't tell them,

and you realize the person who loves you isnt the one you thought it would be,

and you don't trust him to love you in a way

you would enjoy.

[spaghettmeouttahere]

richard siken the head #4

We are all going forward. None of us are going back.

[spaghettmeouttahere]

richard siken the head #3

sometimes you get so close to someone you end up on the other side of them

[spaghettmeouttahere]

richard siken the head #2

You’re in a car with a beautiful boy, and he won’t tell you that he loves you, but he loves you. And you feel like you’ve done something terrible, like robbed a liquor store, or swallowed pills, or shoveled yourself a grave in the dirt, and you’re tired. You’re in a car with a beautiful boy, and you’re trying not to tell him that you love him, and you’re trying to choke down the feeling, and you’re trembling, but he reaches over and he touches you, like a prayer for which no words exist, and you feel your heart taking root in your body, like you’ve discovered something you didn’t even have a name for.

[spaghettmeouttahere]

richard siken the head #1

Sorry about the blood in your mouth, I wish it was mine.

I couldn't get the boy to kill me, but I wore his jacket for the longest time

[spaghettmeouttahere]

love is big and blue

[spaghettmeouttahere]

sometimes i think about how i have felt the eating oranges together love language first hand.. it's not just something I've read in poems, it's something i actually have experienced. giggling at the tiny oranges my bestfriend in fifth grade got for snack everyday.. trying to fit them whole in our mouths... squeezing the orange peel in their eyes, the smell of citrus and the sounds of little girls squealing filling the air... its a memory i keep replaying seemingly with rose coloured glasses on. everything is so blurry but i can still feel the sting of the orange juice in my eyes everytime i think about them. i no longer speak to them but my heart feels so full knowing they are the reason that the intimacy of eating oranges together is so important to me. i love oranges and i hope they're ok

[spaghettmeouttahere]

ethel cain sounds like sickness and mental illness and

[spaghettmeouttahere]

i thimk im scared of growing up less because being a child was awsm and more because im so scared im not doing the things 17 year olds shoild be doing like what cool teenagr girl writes and draws and psints about the boy she likes instead of actually trlling him and what cool teenage girl loves babies more than people her agr and what cool teenagr girl is scared she's wasting her life away and what cool teenage girl is more popular among kids 4 years younger to her than the people of her own class GUYS I WANT TTO BE SEVENTEEN AND I WANT TO DO IT ROGHT BUT I DONTTHINK I SM AND IM LOSING IT IM GOING OFF THE RAILS I HAVE LOST THE FUCJING PLOT DAMN IT JIM i don't wanna grow up. what did i tell u about 3 am