sparklydumbass

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BELLA SWAN’s wardrobe in NEW MOON (2009)

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just to be clear, it’s canon that as punishment for killing a human carlisle forces the cullens to go to the victim’s funeral & stand in a small enclosed space packed with other humans

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remember when i told you there won’t be more twilight in this blog? i lied

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Twilight may be trash but at least they cast actual native americans to play natives

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why haven’t i seen this before ??

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In the meadow, on what is arguably their first date, Edward stayed still with his eyes closed for 2′364 of Bella’s heartbeats. The average human heart beats 60-100 times per minute, if we assume Bella’s heart was beating 80 times per minute that means Edward told her he needed to “concentrate” and then stayed still and didn’t speak a word to her for half an hour.

after that half an hour he switches position, starts calculating the insect population of the entire olympic national park and Still Doesn’t Speak.

like… i would be Pressed.

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Jessica: I don’t know why you’d want to sit through all those zombies eating people and no hot guys kissing anybody. It’s gross. Like, why are there that many zombie movies anyway? Is it supposed to, like, draw a parallel about leprosy? My cousin had leprosy, it’s not funny, you know? And, like, is it supposed to be a metaphor for consumerism? Cause, like, don’t be so pleased with your own, like, self-referential cleverness, you know? Like, some girls like to shop. Not all girls, apparently. Though I was surprised you even called at all. You know? Like, your depression thing, I get it, I’m totally, totally worried but after a while it’s like, you’re still bumming? And I’m going through stuff, too.

Me: 

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How the Cullens cooking for Bella should’ve gone

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other people: if you hate stephenie meyer so much why do you run a twilight blog???

me:

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Embeth Davidtz as Jennifer Honey in Matilda (1996) dir. Danny DeVito

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Twilight: ‘He smiled my favorite crooked smile, but it was wrong. It didn’t reach his eyes.’

Me age 12: oh my god it was wrong it didn’t reach his eyes

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Anyway Bella and Edward fuck off to Alaska to wait out Bella's newborn angst bloodlust and she's got endless time on her hands. She's pretty bored and Edward is busy focusing on not letting her slaughter the town, so she does what any bored newborn vampire would do: solve cold cases.

Listen, her dad is a cop and her father-in-law is a doctor, so when she calls home she explains she can't visit, she's changed her major to criminal justice and is drowning in assignments and homework. She's got these "mock cases" she could use Charlie's input on. Carlisle can access any medical records she would need. And when she gets a lead all she has to do is send Jasper and Emmett, the dream team who are more than happy to have something to do, out to do the footwork for her investigations. Edward is proud of her, but nobody is more proud than Bella herself, because she's done it, she's found a way to help people even when she's at her most dangerous.

The "anonymous tips" start pouring in over the next year. There are so many and they're so accurate that different police forces start to make a connection between the calls. Families of the victims are telling the cops they keep getting questions from some female reporter, but they can't keep her on the line long enough to figure out where the call is coming from. It just routes to an untraceable number somewhere north, maybe Alaska, but nobody lives in that part of the state; there's nothing out there.

Charlie is watching the news one night waiting on Bella's call, the one that comes every Thursday, when he sees a familiar photo. He reads the name as the anchor describes how the case was solved: an anonymous tip about some security camera footage has brought the killer to justice. Wasn't that the case Bella had for "homework" a few months ago? Charlie is simple, but not stupid. He knows something has changed with his daughter and whoever he's talking to is Bella, but not his Bella. He picks up the phone to call, listening to the tone for a second, remembering their conversation just before she and Edward informed him of their engagement. How he had insisted on his goodbye before she inevitably ran off with the boy who had turned her world upside down. His gut tells him that the call he's about to make would be his last conversation with his daughter, and he's not ready for that goodbye, not yet. After a long minute he sets the phone back on the receiver and turns to the TV again.

Only a few seconds go by before the phone rings. Charlie answers, almost hesitant.

"Hey Dad!" It's not the voice he was used to. It's too musical and enchanting. But it doesn't matter. "I'm kinda stumped on this one. Are you ready?" Charlie sighs to himself and smiles, muting the television.

"Ready as ever. Whatcha' got?"

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Twilight Saga + Shit My Sibling Has Said To Me

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Edward seems like the type to pretend to be human when he’s alone, so it really doesn’t add up that he didn’t have a bed in the Cullen house. He probably sits around drawing freckles back onto his face, with the thermostat on 98°, then lays there in the dark with his eyes shut pretending to sleep, and pouring Visine in his eyes when he’s sad so he can feel like he’s crying. He acted like that pizza he ate for Bella was awful, but he secretly liked it.

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ＷＡＳＳＵＰ Arizona, ʜᴜʜ?

ⱧØ₩ ɎØɄ Ⱡł₭ł₦ ₮ⱧɆ Ɽ₳ł₦, ₲łⱤⱠ

𝘣𝘦𝘵𝘵𝘦𝘳 𝘨𝘦𝘵 𝘶𝘴𝘦𝘥 𝘵𝘰 𝘪𝘵, 𝘨𝘪𝘳𝘭

ʏᴇᴀʜ ᴍɪᴋᴇ ʜᴇʏ ʏᴏᴜ’ʀᴇ ʀᴇᴀʟ ᴄᴜᴛᴇ ᴍᴀɴ

     𝘰𝘩 𝘪 𝘬𝘯𝘰𝘸

ᵗʰᵃᵗ ʷᵃˢ ʳᵉᵃˡˡʸ ᵃʷᵉˢᵒᵐᵉ ʷʰʸ ʸᵒᵘ ˢʰᵒᵒᵗⁱⁿ’ ᵈᵒʷⁿ ᵐʸ ᵍᵃᵐᵉ ˡᵉᵗ ᵃ ᴘʟᴀʏᴀ ᵖˡᵃʸ

     𝘺𝘦𝘢𝘩, 𝘰𝘬𝘢𝘺, 𝘸𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘱𝘭𝘢𝘺𝘪𝘯 𝘢𝘵, 𝓉-𝒷𝒶𝓁𝓁?