speakingagain

[speakingagain]

June 27th, 2025. Friday night, 11:39 pm.

Today hurts. A lot.

I've been having a lot of health problems in the last month. I've been in the ER three times, and admitted once. I've been sent home early almost every single day and I'm about to lose my insurance and potentially my job.

I have fainted almost every single shift. And this week, I experienced my first seizure. And then had two more.

I knew I had POTS. I did, self diagnosis. But I didn't think I was seizing. I figured it was convulsive syncope. But today, I found out it's not.

I'm actively having seizures, and completely out of the blue. I might miss my sister's engagement. I can't drive. I can't work. I can't be home alone or risk aspirating. I can't go to the store by myself or risk passing out and then seizing.

I'm losing all my independence. Everything I've worked so hard for.

And it went down the drain in one doctor appointment.

I don't know how I'm going to pay for or even go to school. I don't know how I'm going to become a nurse.

I've only been planning for my future for like two years, because I've finally come to terms that I will more than likely live another year. And now it's being stripped away from me.

Now I have to mourn the loss of my future that I've worked so hard for.

Now I have to name my mom as my fucking power of attorney. Now I get a bracelet that details I have a major health condition. Now I have to ask which of my siblings want to get the call if I have an emergency and they need someone to call.

E spent the whole day bitching about how she was tired of working and I honestly couldn't find it in me to be honest and actually listen to her. I gave her basic ass responses.

I don't know how to even try and explain this to her. Like, she's been there this whole time. She's seen the seizures, and the fainting. But....being open with her and exposing my feelings is somehow still foreign to me.

And she's not disabled, so I don't even know how to explain it. I tried explaining it to Mom and she told me to look on the positive side.

I asked her what's positive about losing the entire future I've worked for? I get to park closer to the store I can't go in by myself? That my body is actively working against me and isn't able to function in the most basic of manors?

I'm 25 years old and I'm not sure if I'll ever be able to work again and do something I love.

And I understand, it won't always be like this. I do. I could get a handle on my symptoms. But....I've never felt so powerless in my life.

What the fuck am I supposed to do?

[speakingagain]

Sunday, May 18th, 2025. 10:38 pm

It hasn't been long.

I wish it was longer. I think I only get in here when I'm struggling. It's more of an outlet than my healing space at this point.

I am not doing well. Nothing is specifically wrong, I don't think. I think that I'm just really struggling. My brain has been stuck. I'm not between a rock and a hard place.

I'm just.....done.

I want to stay in bed, all day, every day. I've gotten to a point that I know that if I stay in bed, I won't be safe enough to be by myself. I'm not sure if it's in a grippy sock vacation kind of way or in a "I don't want to have that much free time to think" kind of way.

So I don't stay home, or if I do, I have someone with me.

My sleep schedule has been rough, but I'm sleeping. So there's that.

Uhm....I am medicated. Have been for a hot minute.

My period is all sorts of messed up, TMI but it could be an impact.

S asked for space about two weeks ago due to some personal issues and then kept in contact with me, on a daily basis. So that was super confusing. And then when I asked how they were doing, because I felt like they were withdrawing from me and avoiding me, they said they were "overwhelmed by how often they heard from me."

That was pretty harsh to hear, but I apologized, and said that they can reach out when they are ready. But then they said they still wanted to hear from me, because I'm their best friend. So I'm still confused.

Today, they began messaging me more. They sent more art, which they haven't done since they asked for space. They invited several people over in a group chat that I'm part of. But then everyone else was busy and I was like "I have no life so I'm available whenever." Because it's true. And they ignored my response. So now I'm still confused.

And frustrated.

So I bitched to E about it for a moment, making sure I'm not reading into things unnecessarily. Eventually I chilled out and was like "yeah no, I should have a conversation." And so I messaged him, checking in.

He said everything was fine and that he was confused because he didn't realize something was wrong?

And I felt stupid. And I shut down and explained a bit. Told him I shut down and keep my problems to myself and then spiral into anxiety about it. Which isn't wrong, but....it's not exactly what was happening.

So I apologized, and said I'd be potentially taking some space myself because I am struggling to make good decisions or to communicate and was focusing too much on things that did not actually need my focus.

He said stopped replying.

I'm.... struggling. I'm not even sure why at this point.

But I'm having urges. I'm being self destructive. I'm making bad decisions. I'm isolating. I'm not asking for help. I'm shutting down.

I see it all happening. But....what am I doing about it?

[speakingagain]

Monday, April 28th, 2025. 8:19 pm

A lot of shit happened again. As per usual. It's been 2 months since I posted. So duh.

But.... I'll be honest, I'm struggling. So first off, mom and I got evicted because her sugar daddy is an asshole. That sucked but honestly I'm chill. We officially finished moving yesterday. We just have to unpack and get rid of shit.

I also got my final write up at work, because of self sabotagy behaviors. Because I'm cool like that.

Note the sarcasm.

Uhhh....oh I accidentally called E out on her shit. Today. Because I was overwhelmed and I warned her. But she pushed it and I snapped and was like "girl you don't give a fuck about anything" and went on a rant.

She shut down and was like "girl stop" and now she's super quiet and not talking to me. So that's cool. I'll apologize later.

Uhhhh S, that crush, is still a thing. I think. At least on my end. He's been super busy and struggling as well. I'm stuck between wondering if he's losing feelings or if he's just busy/struggling and I'm anxious and overthinking. Or some secret third option that I haven't thought of.

I keep hearing that quote in my head, "if he wanted to, he would." And I'm like, if he wanted to see me, he would. But...I'm also a whole ass adult with a whole ass life that understands that other people are busy and have their own shit going on.

Like, it ain't that hard to grasp.

I'm just running in circles about it. I think it might be worth it to do some self care....maybe a hot shower and an early bed time.

That sounds good.

😩 alright, let's get this shit.

[speakingagain]

Wednesday, February 19th, 2025. 11:16 pm

It's not been long since I posted last, so not a ton has happened. For once.

Some stuff did happen though.

I went on a date, with a girl. It went well, and I enjoyed it. But I wasn't actually attracted to her. As a person, she's funny and smart and caring. She seems really great. But I wasn't feeling it.

That night, I talked to a friend about it. This friend proceeded to tell me that they like me and would like to take me on a date. But that they currently can't because they are in a poly relationship and at the moment, are taking a break from dating others due to some major drama that happened in their partner's relationship. Totally fair.

I've had a crush on this guy for.....fucking months. But I recognize that I have HELLA attachment issues. I get emotionally attached to pretty much anyone who shows me any specific sign of attention or affection. So I ignored said crush. Plus, they were in a relationship, and I'm not gonna push that boundary.

But said crush would not go away.

Like.....I fuckin tried.

I have SO MANY reasons stacked up as to why I shouldn't date this guy.

But....his smile.

His laugh, his humor, his eyes, his hair, how caring he is. It's been months. And his smile gets me every fucking time.

The amount of times I have messaged my friend E saying "the crush is back" is low-key probably annoying.

We have been hanging out regularly, texting all the time. Even more so since he admit to liking me.

We have been flirting as well. I normally suck at it.

But....tonight we went out with some of his friends and his partner and his partner bought us dinner and drinks that we split. And while we were getting drinks, we went up to the bar (just him and I) and the bartender IDed me for like half a second. I commented about how the bartender saw the 1 at the beginning of my birth year and it made me feel old.

My friend S, the guy (trans male) said "oh i like to think it's my big breasts, like she looks at them and goes 'yup that's an adult'. At least then my breasts are actually doing something for me." And I -WITHOUT MISSING A BEAT- said "oh trust me, they do a lot for you."

His response was, "it depends on who you ask."

And my fucking brain short circuited and my mouth just said, "I know who I'm asking." And he BLUSHED AND TOLD ME TO SHUT UP AND IT WAS ADORABLE

I was just really proud of myself because that was the fucking smoothest flirting I've ever fucking done.

Because I'm so awkward, it's hilarious and sad.

And he was like touchy and sweet and all sorts of adorableness and he was telling me a story about how someone was flirting with him and like touchy and talking about smex and stuff with him and it made him uncomfortable and he like touched me the way that person did, as like an example and I immediately was like.....

Cloud nine. Tingly feelings, dirty thoughts (only for a moment before I was like bro chill) and hella blushing. Heart thumping, breath caught in my throat, blushing cheeks. The whole nine yards.

I can safely say this ain't a crush anymore. And it scares the shit out of me. I'm not sure I want to wait till June to date him, but....it's gonna really build up some tension. Hopefully not just for me.

[speakingagain]

February 3, 2025

Once again, all of the shit has happened. It's the new year. I got a new job. It's a great little place and I love everything about it, kids and staff. I started school again. Today is Mom's birthday. But I am also going through some tough shit today.

All the shit is just my own brain being an asshole of course, but..... It feels so much harder today.

I showered, washed my face, brushed my teeth, got dressed, went to work. I ate, I got Dutch Bros because I needed to bribe myself to get out of bed. I took my meds. And I'm still feeling like absolute fucking garbage.

My brain is in this mixed state of "fuck everything" "do stupid and unhealthy things" and "I can't feel anything." But also, some how, everything fucking sucks.

So that's cool.

I'm not sure what to do about it at this point.

I'm not sure what my brain wants from me.

Someone send good vibes or something, because I'm tired.

[speakingagain]

Friday, November 8th, 2024. 9:31 pm.

As per the usual for me posting, a lot has happened. I don't actually know what I'm posting about either. It's just been on my mind to post.

I have a lot on my mind, but it also feels very empty.

But not in a panicked way. Now like, those dreams when you want to say something but when you go to speak, nothing comes out. Even when you're trying to scream. Just silent.

The election came and went. Half of the US is terrified. The other half thinks he's Jesus. Mom is quitting her job that she loves because she's broke. I'm also quitting my job because I'm broke but I also don't like my job. He is getting sued, it's hilarious.

I can't afford to drive my own car.

I miss my best friend.

I thought things were supposed to go better once I got my new antidepressants. Like the first time I took them in 2017-18. Life was good, I socialized, I had a job, I showered daily, I had friends, I was passing my classes, I was making friends, learning, meeting who I thought was the love of my life.

I see my fault in my way of thinking. I thought I'd get back to where I was. Not just mentally, but maybe physically too? I wanted to feel the happiness I felt before. Like the rush of when I met him, and he complimented my glasses and we just.... Grew together.

I wanted to feel that hope again. That excitement for life and love. What I would give to feel that again.

But I also wonder, was it ever real?

Yes, I know what I felt. But it was trauma bonding, raging hormones, and a desperate plea to feel like I belonged. But I still felt it.

I can't speak for him, but I felt it. So.... It's gotta be real to an extent right?

I can break it down to a science to make it make sense. Hormones, trauma bonds, etc. So it has a cause behind it. The antecedents. The behaviors, were falling in love. And the consequences were years of misery, pain, and healing. But also...I have some good memories. They are all just overshadowed by all the bad ones.

All of them.

He used to take me to the aquarium when I was sad.

He was afraid of the manta rays. I felt nothing but joy by them. I felt like I was in a Disney movie. The heroine doing something she loved and had passion for. The love interest watching from a distance, noticing the sparkle in her eye, the blindingly happy smile, and hearing the beautiful sound of her laugh. And he would fall in love with her just a little bit more and think, "she's the most beautiful girl in the world. "

I will never get my answer on that. I could email him and ask, and he will either say, "yeah I felt that too" and I'll fall back into his trap, or he will deny it and I'll still not have the answer I want.

It's a waste of my time and effort. As my best friend says, I'll get my Disney moment. Eventually. That's the hope at least. I kind of doubt it, because I hate people and find fault in just about everything someone does as a protection mechanism. But that's besides the point.

I'm spiralling. It's time to find something else to be sad about. He's occupied too much of my time already.

[speakingagain]

Thursday, October 10th, 2024. 4:30 PM.

It's been a little more than a month since I posted. I want to say that that's because I'm doing well, that I'm stable and consistent. That my life isn't a flaming dumpster fire.

I'd be kidding myself. Lying to myself to try and make myself feel better.

I don't think it would work, even if I tried.

Reality is, the world is in mass chaos. There's more 'once in a life time' events happening this week, than we did in 2020. Volcanos errupting, major earthquakes, multiple devastating hurricanes, fires, flooding, snow in India, flooding in the Sahara. Not to even mention the current politics in the US.

My personal reality is changing medications to help treat my depression but somehow feeling like I'm raw dogging life and being in a constant state of feeling concerned that I may not be able to keep myself safe. My best friend is changing jobs, so we won't be working together anymore. I'm afraid she and I will drift apart and I'll be alone again. But I can't tell her that because I don't want her to feel pressured to stay because I know she's miserable.

We are currently over staffed at work, however, people are quitting in mass. My boss gave a statement today, saying "we can't afford to pay you better, but you can go make more working in fast-food. But here, your making a difference." As of that's a justification to underpaying your entire work force when no one can afford to exist.

One of my cars windows is stuck partially down, and it's getting cold. I can't afford to fix it. I also have $1800 to pay in medical bills. And my dog needs surgery. And I still can't afford to get a divorce. And I'm pretty sure my car insurance is about to get cancelled. And I also can't afford to get my meds or continue therapy.

And Mom wants to move out of Colorado but we need to save money for that.

My childhood best friend has cancer and is not responding to treatment.

I'm starting to hate my job. I want to go to school in the spring. I genuinely don't know how the fuck that will actually happen at this point.

.

.

.

I'm at a loss of what to do.

My brain is so overwhelmed all the time.

I am getting tired of fighting and pushing through. I'm tired of fighting my brains immediate gut reaction to any inconvenience being, "you can just *yeet* yourself".

How many times can I think that and have to stop myself from agreeing that it would solve a lot of problems?

I know. Mom would be devastated. Sable wouldn't know why I didn't come home. My siblings would be very upset. My friends would be crushed.

I have my reasons. I have my life lines, and coping skills, and safety nets.

But I'm so tired. Isn't it supposed to get better at some point?

I know, I'm just.... I've spent a lot of time isolating. I'm stuck in my head. I'm not reaching out for help. I know. I'm sinking lower. I'm watching it happen.

But...I don't think I have any energy left to fight it.

What if I just let it happen? What if I embrace it?

[speakingagain]

Monday, September 2nd, 2024, Labor Day.

6:20 pm

I hear poetry about wanting love. I hear poetry about the kissing in the rain scene, the flowers just cause, the magic in life kind of love. The everything you could ever want and more kind of love.

I heard poetry and felt the moment of wanting those moments too. I heard the poetry and wanted to feel the love that stopped my world and started it again. I heard the poetry and wanted to see the color that fills the sky in a different way because they were there in your life.

But it was only a moment that I wished for those things. It was only a moment that I wished. I remembered that I had love. I remembered that I had love That were those moments. I remembered that I can fall in love again, but I am not the person someone wants to love, but instead, I am the friend everyone wants. I remembered that, I am afraid of love anyways, because if -that- was love, then I don't want it.

I have so many reasons to not love again.

I have so many reasons to be afraid.

My heart remembers when it feels the stretch of skin. My heart feels the scar from the last time it was offered this 'love'. My heart remembers every god damn time.

I have so many reasons to never try again.

I have so many reasons to swear off love and be content being the friend who everyone needs, but when needs others, there is no one.

Suddenly I am caught in a cycle in my own head. My heart wants to reach out. My heart wants the love. My heart wants to sing and dance and fall in love and- no.

I'm alone and want to be loved like I love everyone else.

But how can you trust that anyone else will love you when our past mistakes only feel like the rip in the skin that I felt what seems like so long ago.

Because I am worthy of love and being loved, just as I love others!

That may be true, but no one will because they are wrong for you. They are just more lessons, more scars, more hatred to sit in the bottom of your belly as you cry out, "I don't need them! I am strong! I am independent! I need me and only me!"

But why do I have to be learning these lessons over and over when I know them already? Why am I always having to learn when I just want to be loved? Why do I always have to be strong and independent? Why do I have to rely only on myself?

Because that's the way life works. You can't need someone. Because it just becomes another lesson. No matter what, no matter the actions, the alterations, the 'im sorry's, the outcome is going to be the same. They will always hurt you. The hurt will always be different, but it will always be there. The only thing that changes, is how you will respond. "Is this pain too much? Did they hurt me in a way that we cannot recover?"

We? What about me? I am the one trying to recover. I am the one trying to find joy again. I am the one trying to learn who I am again. I am the one being independent again. I am the one pushing through every god damn day to see where if someday it will be different. But guess what?

It's the same fucking day. It's the same fucking pain. It's the same bullshit, every single day. And yet, I'm supposed to fall in love with...what? My self? My life? A partner?

No.

I fell in love with life. I fell in love with my partner. I fell in love with my home, my dog, my job, my career, my hair, my eyes, my laugh, my humor, my tenacity, my stubbornness, my self.

And yet again, today, I'm wondering why the fuck am I still trying to fall in love?

I have me, I don't need love.

Right?

[speakingagain]

Thursday, July 11th, 2024. 9:41 PM.

Two weeks ago, I went on a date for the first time since I left my ex husband.

I was impressed because the guy had taken the initiative to plan the date.

The date went well until he asked for a prize because he won at mini golf. My pride was hurt, losing so miserably. But then he asked for a kiss before we went bowling.

I agreed, expecting a slight kiss. A first date kind of kiss.

It quickly escalated to a make out session, which I was okay with, until his hands started to wander.

I quickly put a stop to it, saying it was a first date. He wasn't getting any further.

He apologized, saying he got carried away and we cuddled in his car for a few minutes to help his 'little problem' go away.

He then changed our plans to go get some lunch instead of bowling. He ate two meals, complained he felt sick, and then cut the date short.

I sent him a good morning text the following day, and next heard back.

I wasn't super upset. It was a first date. And I got some free food out of it.

Since then, I haven't been super interested in trying to find another date. I've had a lot on my mind.

I've recently realized that I am not who I was before my ex husband. Duh.

But I shaped my entire life around him for the last 6 years. I grew my life with him. I made progress with him.

I don't know who I was with him. Because it was never just Mae. It was Him and Mae. My interests were influenced by him. My music was influenced by him. My clothing choices were influenced by him. My life goals, my job, my car, my art, my hobbies were all influenced by him.

I became who he needed me to be.

But now that it's been a year since I've seen him, I'm not sure who I am without him.

Did I like horror movies just because he did?

Do I like heavy metal because he did?

Did I like video games because he did?

Did I want to become an EMT because he was?

I don't know what I want to do with my life anymore. I didn't know how I want to look, or sound. I don't know who I want to grow for. I feel very lost and like there's nothing I can do.

And lately, I have felt increasingly lonely. Life has been fucking me over, more so than usual, and the depression has been hitting hard and fast.

I have never missed my ex. I'm fully aware that every part of my life is better without him. I'm happier without him, which says a lot when you're chronically depressed.

He was an asshole. A user, an abuser, a mental and emotional drain. He ruined so many good things about my life. And I have never once missed him being in my life.

But him being my person, my ride or die, my support, my best friend. My safe place (*insert cackling here*). I miss having someone who knows me. I miss having someone who supports me, and checks in with me. I miss having someone I could share every thought with. I miss having someone who would know what I needed when I couldn't figure it out. I miss someone knowing me and never judging me. I miss the midnight talks, the memes, the deranged giggling. I miss being with my best friend.

Him as a person: ew.

Him as a concept of what I felt I had: I miss the fuck out of concept him.

I miss having my person. I miss knowing who I am. I miss feeling safe.

[speakingagain]

6/11/24 Tuesday, 2:25 pm

I'm so.....Mad. Empty. Frustrated. Exhausted. Sad. Alone. Everything I could be emotionally that doesn't have a positive side to it.

Everything below being "okay".

I'm not okay.

Not even close.

I fucking hate myself. I fucking hate my life (yes brain, I know this is a little overgeneralizing). I fucking hate what I let myself go through. I fucking hate that I had to start over. Again.

I fucking hate that I'm a year into 'starting over' and I'm still in the same god damn fucking position.

I hate my POS van. I hate that I had a 2016 jeep and I lost it because of him.

I hate that I had my own apartment and home that I could support individually and not rely on some stupid motherfucker to pay his portion. I hate that he and his brother made it an unsafe place for me and my dog.

I hate that I had a job that I fucking adored, with kids that meant the world to me and loved me just the same. I hate that I had to give it up because I couldn't stand to be around my husband.

I hate every goddamn thing about him.

I hate that he ever fucking touched my life.

I hate that I can't trust anyone to do the normal human fucking thing and love me for me because I'm a decent human fucking being.

I hate that I could have done everything myself and built my life for myself. I hate that I held on. I hate that he burned my life to the ground because he-

He was just himself.

Fuck him.

I can see why everyone fucking leaves you, asshole.

I can see why no one tolerates your fucked up brain, sense of humor, lack of respect, lack of responsibility, lack of accountability, lack of shits to give about anyone but yourself.

I hope your new girl realizes what a piece of shit you are before you get involved with her kids. I hope she realizes before you financially ruin her too. I hope she realizes before you start throwing things at her too. God forbid the kids.

I hope she stomps all over your pathetic ass heart and teaches you what real heartbreak is. And throws in a kick to the balls as well.

I'm just here rebuilding my life. I'm just cleaning my shit up like king Kong went ape shit on my city. I'm just trying to get better and trust myself, and maybe those around me.

Get fucked.

-someone who still blames you for ruining everything good in my life

[speakingagain]

5/26/24 Sunday. 12:19 pm.

Yesterday, E called me her best friend for the first time.

It might sound simple to regular people, specifically extroverts. But for me, I haven't had a group of friends in so long. I couldn't be around people who weren't my ex unless it was his family or for work.

My friends from high school are scattered across the states and we talk over text only.

But yesterday, I was a best friend again.

Yesterday, I felt so elated and ecstatic.

I'm still making progress.

I'm still changing my life.

I'm still loosening his control every single day.

I'm proud of myself.

[speakingagain]

5.16.24 Thursday, 12:26 pm.

I've known this was coming for a while. I saw the signs.

I've been isolating. Sleeping is hard and I'm trying to stay in bed as long as I can. I don't want to eat. I know it's happening. I'm keeping track of it.

But I'm not actively doing anything to change it besides acknowledging that it's happening. But the fact that I'm aware that I am slipping into that hole again is making it feel that much worse.

I told Mom that my depression is being a bitch. Her response was, "I'm sorry, you're just tired."

And I know, it probably is worse today due to the lack of sleep and alone time. And I know, I'm down playing it because I know how much it hurts and worries her when I'm depressed and I don't like doing that to her. So I shouldn't have expected another answer.

I've reached out to two friends. One already responded and I sent 5 long texts, bitching about what's going on.

They are all problems that I could easily work towards changing.

But I haven't. And I hate that.

But not enough to change it. Just enough to hate myself for not doing it.

"good job, you're here again."

I'm on my lunch break right now. I'm trying not to cry. I could probably use a good cry. But not at work.

I'm a woman, I can't cry at work. Then I look sad and emotional. I can't cry at work.

God, I need an escape.

I have 15 minutes left.

That's not enough time.

Fuck.

[speakingagain]

5.14.24 Tuesday. 9:23 pm.

Life is weird.

I am unsure of how I generally feel. Life doesn't quite feel right but I couldn't tell you if i am actually just disassociating or not.

I did the socializing thing this week.

I helped a friend pack, then went to a drag show. That was epic. Friend then stayed over and we became a bit closer. She talked to me more today, I like her friendship.

Friend E, apologized for not being able to help me when I asked for the first time when I've been there for her many times already. She wants to make it up to me, but I feel bad for even wanting to take her up on it.

My brother's turtle, Mrs. Turtle, passed away today. She was 8+ years old, and the size of a plate. I wish I could comfort him more but I'll be honest, I barely know who my brother is at this point and I have no idea how to support him. He lives in Tennessee, and I've seen him once in the last 7 years or so.

It's weird to think he was my partner in crime when we were kids and into teens. Now we barely talk. That's a real shame of mine. I think I'd like to get to know him again.

My nephew was in the ER all day yesterday because they thought he had appendicitis, thankfully he doesn't and it's something that won't require surgery.

Mom is jobless after rage quitting her job. I feel bad for her because it must be really hard to not have a career anymore and hating the one she spent years perfecting. I have been struggling with wanting to spend time with her.

I'm worried I'm starting to isolate.

I'd rather spend time in bed reading.

And I'm pushing myself out of my comfort zone to spend time with friends. It's fun, and I enjoy it.

But fuck me, I just don't want to deal with going out.

People exhaust me.

I exhaust myself.

Time for some more self care I guess.

[speakingagain]

5.6.24

I want to be the feeling of a morning rain storm.

I want you to enjoy the smell of the rain as it dampens the earth and think of me.

I want to be the droplets on the window, that swirl with colors as it reflects the things around you.

I want to be the puddle you stomp in accidentally but then take a step back in just for the little extra dopamine.

I want to be the warm blanket you cuddle up on the couch with that brings you comfort and security.

I want to be the dew on petals of flowers that make them seem just a little bit brighter than usual, and draw your eye.

I want to be all of the good thoughts and feelings that rain gives you.

I want to be the reason you smile, and laugh. I want to be the reason you feel safe and comfortable. I want to be the person who brightens your day.

But I don't know who you are yet.

So for today, I will just enjoy this morning rain.

-Mae

[speakingagain]

5.5.2024

Dear Zackary,

We both held music dearly to our hearts. You could spout out facts for hours on end about different bands and pieces and albums.

For me, music was an escape, a safe space, my emotional pit. I could be free from the emotions or I could finally feel them. It was my freedom.

It's been almost a year to date since I left. And I think I have been in the 'anger' stage of grieving for a long while now.

But yesterday I discovered a song. It's absolutely beautiful. The way it delves into the deep haunting notes of a cello, into the higher soothing and hopeful notes of the violins. It is a whole story in a few pages of music.

And the very few lyrics in the song, broke me the moment I heard the scream of "I loved you."

It shattered everything I'd built up as a protection for myself.

It disintegrated every wall, every brick. And I stood, undefended, feeling the music seeping into my bones. I could feel my heartbeat and it seemed to thump extra heavily with the heavy beats of the drums.

And it did something amazing.

I felt inspired for the first time. Not ever, of course. But in months. A year almost.

I was worried I'd lost it.

I could see the paint strokes, I could see the golds glistening in the light. I could see the hope and pain and the growth and death and everything forming on a canvas as a goddess formed.

Yearning for her lost love. Yearning for the good and the bad. Yearning to feel complete. Yearning to complete herself. Yearning to be loved as she thought she was. And finally knowing she was loved and good and bad and complete because she had loved them.

She had won. She had loved. She had lost and gained and broke and rebuilt. She had won.

Then, the song made me cry today. I listened to it a second time, same process as the night before.

Dark room, fan on, music playing, and I stared at my ceiling. I felt the beat in my chest, the cries in her growl as she sang with her whole body and her whole heart.

"And you loved me too."

Fuck.

The next stage of grieving had begun with a single sentence.

I think I would rather be angry.

I know, it's not linear. I know it isn't always the same stage, one after another. There's no time limit per stage. Yeah yeah. I know.

But if my life has taught me anything thus far, it's that people can love you and still do things to hurt you.

Them doing those things doesn't automatically mean that they secretly hated you.

It means they are human and make mistakes. It means they chose the path they wanted. It means they are going in a different direction and choosing themselves.

And I can say "I would never have cheated on my spouse."

But honestly, I don't know what I would do.

Morally, it's fucked up. I know what it feels like to be cheated on. I know what it does to a person. I know what it does to a family. I know it hurts everyone involved, indirectly or directly.

But until I had the opportunity, I never knew what I would do.

I still didn't cheat when given the opportunity. It was never an option for me.

Their love never changed. Your love never changed. It never grew.

I had assumed wrong.

I loved you more.

And you did love me. Of course you did. I felt it. I saw it. I revelled in it.

But it was so much weaker than I could have imagined.

And that's my fault for settling for such a weak love. I deserved better, and I think I knew it too. I just wanted the love I could give. I did give. I wanted to prove I was loveable and I was going to get out and do better.

Love was never meant to be an escape. And for that, I am sorry.

Thank you for loving me what you were capable of. The last six years were some of the worst years of my life. But some of the best too.

Thank you for showing me I could be loved. Thank you for showing me I deserved better.

Thank you for ending the love so I could find what I deserve.

And I'm so sorry for your loss.

I can solidly say, I won.

I was loved. I loved.

I grew. I learned. I am completing myself.

I am loving myself.

I am not 100% there just yet. But I'm getting there.

So thank you. And go fuck yourself, kindly.

No longer your love,

Or your other half,

Mae.

[speakingagain]

It's been a while again. I would like to say that life has improved and everything is great and sunshiney.

But at the same time, that's not me.

Like yeah, life is improving, and I'm always making progress of some sort and I'm getting more balanced and listening to self help podcasts and bla bla bla.

But i am not sunshiney. I am aware of the terrors of every day life. They weigh on me heavily.

A question I have been asking myself is "am I doing what's right for me?"

I don't think I'll ever come up with a real answer beyond "idfk".

I am unfortunately not a psychic, and cannot see into my future. Some may just say "oh trust your gut!"

Bestie, my gut got me into debt, an abusive relationship, and tore me away from my family.

Bestie, my gut tells me to pull the steering wheel when doing 75 mph just to see what happens.

My gut doesn't get a vote anymore. In fact, my gut is tied up and duct taped in the basement.

So how am I supposed to know if I am doing what's best for me?

I'm willing to take advice and thoughts. I'll even take tarot card readings. Anything to give me some sort of answer would be nice really.

Because I don't trust myself at this point.

Not to make sound and good decisions. Especially when they will impact my future.

What can I do to earn my trust back? Perhaps that's what I need to think about instead of if I'm doing right by myself.

[speakingagain]

I'm reading one of those sappy love stories (with a tad of smut of course).

The main couple broke up because 'we live such different lives, it will never work.' The woman went into the typical sad, hiding away from her problem but continuing on, because that's how it is for women. We can never stop.

The man went to stay with his brother and had started sleeping 14 hours a day and barely leaving the bed. And there was one line about how it was earlier to be asleep than to feel the pain of being awake and alive without her.

And I remembered that I had said that exact thing.

When I found out my ex husband had cheated on me, I went into a major depression. Probably the worst one I'd ever had.

I was sleeping as much as I could. And when I couldn't sleep anymore, I'd drink NyQuil to sleep some more.

It was as close to not feeling as I could get. As close as not breathing as I could get.

I remember my ex found out what I was doing and he begged me to stop. For him.

What a joke.

I had nothing left. But I stopped anyways. I knew it wasn't healthy and was becoming a crutch and could easily be defined as an addiction forming. I knew I couldn't keep it up. Plus I was running out of NyQuil.

He ended up hiding the bottles from me anyways.

This book has hit me more in the feels than any book has. Ever. It's too relatable and it's making me uncomfortable and hard to focus and read.

It's too easy to get stuck in my head with this book.

Now I can't stop thinking about how I was trying to drown out my pain. How I was trying to drown out myself. I honestly forgot about it for a while, until the book reminded me.

I really wish I still had my therapist. I want to talk to her about it. I feel like there's a lot that I need to address with it.

Part of me keeps trying to not validate my feelings. "ew, you almost 💀 yourself over a male".

But honestly, he was my person. My best friend. My husband. My confidant. He was my everything. My entire life has been built around him. And suddenly I was shown that I was nothing.

That five years together was nothing but a big old lie and that I want worth staying.

I had every right to be hurt. I had every right to be upset. Why is it so hard to give myself grace for that?