speakingaloneoutloud

[speakingaloneoutloud]

I'm going to miss being with you. I want to be in your arms. But you rarely touched me during the good times. So I know it's not coming now. And soon it never will again.

[speakingaloneoutloud]

it is finally happening. not for a while but soon. it is decided and agreed upon. im still grieving our relationship and what could've been but i know this was coming and i know it is for the best. still wish u fought for us but i forgive u

[speakingaloneoutloud]

the transition period is the hardest part and this transition is particularly drawn out. this is very difficult

[speakingaloneoutloud]

I had about 2 weeks of "good" and now we are back to the same ol' thing. In your eyes, I'm an enemy. I could do backflips and leap through hoops and I will still be your enemy. Depressingly, I am back to planning to be on my own this year.

[speakingaloneoutloud]

Ur really miserable to be around like 99% of the time.

[speakingaloneoutloud]

idk what the right thing to do is. keep trying or give up. i keep hoping u will actually want to spend time with me and live life with me but idk. And maybe that isn't in ur control but we aren't married it isn't my responsibility to dedicate my life to keeping u alive. im very frustrated with how little u seem to like me.

[speakingaloneoutloud]

She justified how she spoke to me like this with how it's my fault I behaved in a way that made her think I was annoyed with her. She's unreal.

Oh and so I don't forget in the future when I'm looking back on this:

I was trying to ask what the drs name was to call them as u requested and u lost it at the way I was speaking, mocked me, but then also went off saying how I'm not compassionate and how I must treat clients and patients at work terribly.

Remember this, me. When you feel things are "good". This is what she thinks about you. This is what she says to you when she's unhappy even if you do everything she asks. There's no winning. It's a lose-lose scenario. Accept it and move on.

[speakingaloneoutloud]

ugh I know we are trying but tbh idk how this is gunna work. Ur really miserable to be around and maybe I am the bad/selfish one for wanting a life that doesn't involve u doing absolutely nothing but lying in bed in the dark and talking nonstop about how bad u feel and talking about worst case scenarios every single day. You won't even go for a walk with me AND THIS IS NOT NEW as I think about it. Almost our whole relationship u say No when I ask u to do things with me. We are dragging a dead dog on a leash. I tried breaking it off BC u were unhappy w me but u insisted u wanted to be together. Yet all u do every single day is complain about me or what I do.

Is it so wrong to want a life where we go out multiple times a week to walk the dog or go to the park or a cafe or literally anything and u aren't complaining the entire time.

[speakingaloneoutloud]

I do want u to tell me what to do in these situations so I can prevent it from happening

You mention breaking up a lot even from a context of If you don't want to be with me. If this is how u feel I understand and we can break up

I never wanted to break up until really recently when you said 2 things to me. I love you and daydream of you being the mother of my kid and it used to kill me to think of not being together. But u said some things that hurt me and pull back, and now I don't know what I want.

I love you and it's ok if we break up. I will always love you forever and always be your friend.

[speakingaloneoutloud]

Once again you're not going to pay rent

[speakingaloneoutloud]

It is such a lonely and sad and overwhelming feeling. No longer being in love and wishing you were. No longer wanting to be together but unable to leave. I didn't want it to be this way.

[speakingaloneoutloud]

I'm wondering if she is just determined to be unkind to me. I need to fix up my resume and apply to some places in Vancouver and after some locum shifts see if that can be an option for me in the future. If not I will be looking at Victoria or Summerland. I might be able to get around Victoria without a car.

[speakingaloneoutloud]

Hopefully u can get ur surgery soon bc when you are healed I need to talk and like. Leave. I seriously feel bad the vast majority of time because of you. We just aren't supposed to be together I guess idk because you are never happy with me and I am just some unwanted ghost who's job it is to pay bills and clean house and not be a person/be quiet/be invisible/not be myself. Because you genuinely dislike who I am...

[speakingaloneoutloud]

You dislike me and I am an unwanted ghost in my own home. My job is to do everything quietly your job is to do whatever the fuck you want. I must be quiet and keep words to a minimum. You get to yell whatever you want at me. I am held to a different standard and I am always the bad guy. I would be less lonely if I lived alone.

[speakingaloneoutloud]

Unprompted she said this. Thank fucking dog. I am still unsure about things but feel a lot better in this reconciliation period

"I didn't mean what I said it was awful, untrue and extremely nasty. That's why I think I should go to my mom's for my next appointment.

I don't want to be a person who says nasty lies about people they love. I know you are extremely compassionate and give the upmost care to every patient. They are LUCKY when they come through those doors and they get to be your patient. I'm so sorry.'

[speakingaloneoutloud]

I am sooooo grateful I was able to take time alone I'm aware she's likely pissed at me but being able to just feel and cry and not do anything I will regret is great. I really want to prioritize her getting thru this major health issue and I'm hoping we can talk about this calmly later on... I don't want her to feel obligated to stay tho if she would prefer to be with her mum if I'm unable to meet her needs in terms of getting better. Either way. Time alone is important time to feel is important and then I can prioritize what's important when we talk. Plus sleep always helps.

[speakingaloneoutloud]

I'm the one who called and got u a later appt

I'm the one who got you to your appt on time by calling and paying for an Uber

I'm the one who gave you my Ativan

But nope...no apology....no hello when I come home..... Clear as day you don't feel bad at all for what you said, that you don't regret your behaviour, and that you don't appreciate me.

Idk how much longer I can keep doing this. My heart is broken and sad, and it doesn't belong to you anymore. If I'm going to feel lonely, I'd rather feel that way alone. If I'm going to be emotionally crushed, it should be done by someone who isn't lying beside me at night.

I can't cling to what I don't have.