speakingofabuse - Tumblr blog

[speakingofabuse]

I’m having a hard time remembering this tonight, so incase you need reminding too:

You are more than the things they said to you/about you

You are more than the things they did to you

You didn’t deserve it

You won’t ever forget it, but one day you will be able to live with it.

[speakingofabuse]

Your mixed feelings about your parents are valid.

Shout out to people like me who have parents who are loving but are black holes of emotional labor… It took me a long time to realize that it’s okay to have mixed feelings about your parents, about your relationship with them.

Sometimes parents can love you but be somewhat toxic to you and your growth, and that’s a very hard realization to come to if you, like me, grew up extremely close to them.

Sometimes parents can love you genuinely but lack emotional maturity, forcing you to perform disproportionate amounts of emotional labor. Some parents manifest symptoms of their mental illness in ways that are toxic to your mental illness.

Some parents, like mine, try so hard to be good parents but fall back on habits of emotional manipulation because they haven’t processed their own traumas and are modeling behavior they grew up with. That doesn’t make their behavior acceptable, and it’s okay to feel exhausted and hurt when they betray you. You don’t have to forgive every mistake.

I want you to know that it’s okay to protect yourself, to need some space apart from them. The love you have for your parents is still valid, and you are making the right decision.

Placing a safe emotional distance between myself and my parents has been one of the most difficult, heartbreaking processes I’ve ever gone through… it hurts to try to curb the strength of your own natural empathy around people you love. It feels disingenuous to your heart’s natural state.

But I promise you, you are not hard-hearted or ungrateful, and you are not abandoning them. You are making a decision about your own emotional, mental, and spiritual health.

I know what it’s like in that confusing grey area of love mixed with guilt and anxiety, of exhaustion and quasi-manipulation and unreciprocated emotional labor, and I promise you, you are not alone.

Your mixed feelings about your parents are valid.

[speakingofabuse]

Hi, hope you're ok. I'm currently working on a university degree project on domestic abuse. I'm asking for people to write and submit an anonymous letter to either the person who abused them, a friend of family member who perhaps knew and didn't do anything or to their past/future self. I was just wondering if you would be willing to share this publicly so that your followers may see and possibly want to get involved? Totally ok if you don't want to do this as it's a hard subject. Thanks!

[speakingofabuse]

What would you consider verbal abuse? I need help...

Verbal abuse is the forceful use of criticism, insults, and putting someone down. It can also include manipulation, threats, and things of that nature.-mod e

[speakingofabuse]

(TW) How long into a relationship should you tell your partner about your assault? I was raped when I was 7 and now I’m 16 and I’m probably gonna officially start dating this guy soon who’s my friend and like what happened is important for when we are intimate for me but like I’ve never told anyone like really about it before so planning ahead for when I have to tell him is a lot . He should know and I wanna do it but like idk when. Thank you so much!!! -🌹

Hey anon, I’m in the same boat as you! How I’m planning on doing it is when the subject of us being intimate comes up is when I’ll tell my partner about my assault as a child as well. At least that’s when I feel comfortable telling him about it. It’s all up to you! Do it when *you* feel comfortable. -mod fili

[speakingofabuse]

The “everything happens for a reason” and “everything that happens was supposed to happen” does not apply to abuse or traumatic events. You did not deserve to go through trauma. You were not meant to be traumatized.

[speakingofabuse]

is it abuse if your father calls you a loser bc you're crying&you'll never be a proper adult/stand on your own two feet unless he dies or sth?is it abuse if he's doing this while being aware of your mental illnesses and actively ignoring/minimizing them?is it abuse if they call you a loser+a weak ass bitch bc you couldn't handle the anxiety of being a white collar worker while that's their whole career(which they succeed in)is it abuse if i have to cry myself to sleep #silently# to be safe?

Yes, this would be considered emotional abuse.

-mod e

[speakingofabuse]

Why "doing something relaxing” does not help your anxiety

A lot of the time when people give advice intended to relieve anxiety, they suggest doing “relaxing” things like drawing, painting, knitting, taking a bubble bath, coloring in one of those zen coloring books, or watching glitter settle to the bottom of a jar.

This advice is always well-intentioned, and I’m not here to diss people who either give it or who benefit from it. But it has never, ever done shit for me, and this is because it goes about resolving anxiety in the completely wrong way.  

THE WORST THING YOU CAN DO when suffering from anxiety is to do a “relaxing” thing that just enables your mind to dwell and obsess more on the thing that’s bothering you. You need to ESCAPE from the dwelling and the obsession in order to experience relief.

You can drive to a quiet farm, drive to the beach, drive to a park, or anywhere else, but as someone who has tried it all many, many times, trust me–it’s a waste of gas. You will just end up still sad and stressed, only with sand on your butt. You can’t physically escape your sadness. Your sadness is inside of you. To escape, you need to give your brain something to play with for a while until you can approach the issue with a healthier frame of mind. 

People who have anxiety do not need more time to contemplate, because we will use it to contemplate how much we suck.

In fact, you could say that’s what anxiety is–hyper-contemplating. When we let our minds run free, they run straight into the thorn bushes. Our minds are already running, and they need to be controlled. They need to be given something to do, or they’ll destroy everything, just like an overactive husky dog ripping up all the furniture. 

Therefore, I present to you: 

THINGS YOU SHOULD NOT DO WHEN ANXIOUS

–Go on a walk

–Watch a sunset, watch fish in an aquarium, watch glitter, etc.

–Go anywhere where the main activity is sitting and watching

–Draw, color, do anything that occupies the hands and not the mind

–Do yoga, jog, go fishing, or anything that lets you mentally drift 

–Do literally ANYTHING that gives you great amounts of mental space to obsess and dwell on things.

THINGS YOU SHOULD DO WHEN ANXIOUS:

–Do a crossword puzzle, Sudoku, or any other mind teaser game. Crosswords are the best.

–Write something. It doesn’t have to be a masterpiece. Write the Top 10 Best Restaurants in My City. Rank celebrities according to Best Smile. Write some dumb Legolas fanfiction and rip it up when you’re done. It’s not for publication, it’s a relief exercise that only you will see. 

–Read something, watch TV, or watch a movie–as long as it’s engrossing. Don’t watch anything which you can run as background noise (like, off the top of my head, Say Yes to The Dress.) As weird as it seems, American Horror Story actually helps me a lot, because it sucks me in. 

–Masturbate. Yes, I’m serious. Your mind has to concentrate on the mini-movie it’s running. It can’t run Sexy Titillating Things and All The Things That are Bothering Me at the same time. (…I hope. If it can, then…ignore this one.) 

–Do math problems—literally, google “algebra problems worksheet” and solve them. If you haven’t done math since 7th grade this will really help you. I don’t mean with math, I mean with the anxiety. 

–Play a game or a sport with someone that requires great mental concentration. Working with 5 people to get a ball over a net is a challenge which will require your brain to turn off the Sadness Channel. 

–Play a video game, as long as it’s not something like candy crush or Tetris that’s mindless. 

THINGS YOU SHOULD DO DURING PANIC ATTACKS ESPECIALLY:

–List the capitals of all the U.S. states

–List the capitals of all the European countries

–List all the shapes you can see. Or all the colors. 

–List all the blonde celebrities you can think of.

–Pull up a random block of text and count all the As in it, or Es or whatever.  

Now obviously, I am not a doctor. I am just an anxious person who has tried almost everything to help myself.  I’ve finally realized that the stuff people recommend never works because this is a disorder that thrives on free time and free mental space. When I do the stuff I listed above, I can breathe again. And I hope it helps someone here too. 

(Now this shouldn’t have to be said but if the “do nots” work for you then by all means do them. They’ve just never worked for me.)

[speakingofabuse]

If my question is too long, how exactly would I make sure you get the whole thing?

Multiple asks or a submission is fine!

-mod e

[speakingofabuse]

I think I may have gynophobia...what do I do?

You could try therapy -- behavioral and/or exposure, depending on which you think may work. Sometimes changing your behavior works best but sometimes being exposed to what is causing you fear helps you overcome it. Support groups are a great thing too! If it comes to it, medication can help ease some of the anxiety that you may have surrounding being around women.

-mod e

[speakingofabuse]

Would this be abuse?: My mom yells at me a lot, and insults me, my interests and my appearance, compares me to her friends kids (I’m a high schooler. They’re all adults in college!!), she talks trash about my friends to me (except my one abusive friend), literally fat shames me and gets angry at me when I eat ramen once every few weeks when we have it (never mind I’m literally Just Barely at regular weight so it’s hard to fatshame), threatens to invade my privacy (I already have little), etc

This would be considered emotional abuse because she is not respecting your boundaries and bullying you.

-mod e

[speakingofabuse]

(TW) I sent a multi part ask before and you answered so thank you so much!I told my best friend about my rape but all I said was like hey this is something I think you should know, I was sexually assaulted when I was 7 by blank. And that was it because I’m not comfortable describing the actual assault with her yet but I do kinda wanna talk about it a bit because I haven’t really talked about it at all with anyone before and idk how to bring it up in conversation and stuff without being needy -🌹

You’re welcome! And as someone who also was sexually assaulted at a very young age I empathize with the feeling of wanted to talk to someone about it but still feeling scared to do so. And honestly what helps me is just, saying to myself first before I tell someone. Also I only tell people who I really really trust! And also knowing that what happened to you wasn’t your fault, you didn’t ask for it, you weren’t being provocative- and if the person you tell can’t comprehend that they don’t deserve to be in your life.

In addition- you aren’t being needy by wanting to talk about it either. It actually helps to talk about it. Having all those feelings bottled up inside with no outlet is very unhealthy.

-mod fili

[speakingofabuse]

my parents have never emotionally supported me and I dont know if it’s my fault? like my mom always asks me to talk to her but I just don’t feel comfortable talking to them at all tbh. am I just being emotional/a typical teen or could this be slightly their fault? cause they aren’t that abusive but they aren’t ever l nice or calm and if they are im still nervous? but yeah is this because of my depression/mental health and being a normal teen who hates their parents or are they maybe bad parents

It is completely okay to not like your parents at any age because of how they treat you. That does not make you a “typical teen”. While most teenagers do not like their parents because of a or b, parents can act shitty when their kids are at any age. None of this is your fault – bad parenting comes in many forms.

-mod e

[speakingofabuse]

if my bf at the time pressured me into having sex and even threatened to break up w me if i didnt have sex with him (after i said no and that i wasnt in the mood and that it's not a good idea) multiple times is that considered rape

Yes this is considered sexual assault. He pressured you into sex and you never gave explicit consent. -mod fili

[speakingofabuse]

you can still radiate light if you’re sad. you can still be kind and soft-hearted if you’re a bit cynical. you don’t need to be the happiest person to make someone else’s day better.

[speakingofabuse]

Possible sexual abuse TW Is it sexual abuse if it didn't happen in person? My ex sent my nudes I didnt ask for, and he tricked me into being sexual with him. But everything was over texting and video chat. At the time I was okay with everything. It wasn't till a while later that I started to feel terrible for it. I dont remember much from when it happened other than some detail on how it started and that it happened. I later found out during some of it he was cheating with someone else in school

Yes it would be. Sexual abuse does not always happen in person - signs of sexual abuse can happen both in person and online.

-mod e

[speakingofabuse]

my older brother has insulted me for 3 years (insisting i look at what he likes and then insulting what i like, insulting my weight and appearance, calling me annoying, saying "this is why i don't like you" whenever i act like myself, only apologising when i'm crying and complaining to someone, etc) and recently, after discovering i'm transmasc, he's moved into that territory (claiming i'm probably transracial, telling me i look like a lesbian, slurs, etc) -- would this be emotional abuse...?

Yes, this would be considered emotional abuse.

-mod e