speaksecond

[speaksecond]

No Stress

I'm sitting here ... Trying to type this essay ... And it just hit me ... All these guys are fk boys ... Every single one. None of them inspire me to be better do better. None of them are examples of how I want to live my life... Why am o stressing out over men who aren't the one for me. At the end of the day I have 0 idea who the fk I'm gonna be with ... Not a clue. But when looking at the guys around me ... None of them are men is want to spend the rest of my life with. As much as I wish I could be a slut I'm not. I'm someone who wants a relationship, who wants commitment. I don't want to be someone's booty call I want more. At first I thought love wasn't for me ... But that's stupid because love is for everyone, we need love to survive. What I'm scared of is being hurt ... But I've realized that's inevitable. At the end of the day I need to pull my head out of the clouds and realize this drama and stress I'm causing myself isn't necessary and not worth it. Sure SD and I had a intellectual connection, sure MD and I have sexual chemistry, Sure GQ, BA, JC have a soft spot on my heart but who the fuck cares... I'm trying to find something real and none of the guys listed above can give me that. I guess I'm trying to say I'm okay with being lonely right now. I'm fine with not being pursued I'm done with searching because when I find the right person for me it will just feel right and be right. It won't be perfect not at all... It will be "right"... I've always known this ... I just am fully comprehending everything and I feel as though this huge weight is now lifted off my shoulders ... I don't even know what I was stressed out about before. I've just been looking at couples recently ... The ones that are in love and I want that. What is the point of having someone who won't commit who just wants to fuck you... Why? What good is it to you or to them? You have sex then detach yourself from them emotionally and physically after being so intimate... It's so sad and so empty. I want to be with someone who looks at me and thinks "fuck I'm so lucky" and I want to look at my man and think "... Fuck I'm so lucky"... But I've been entertaining these idiots and when I actually look at each man individually and objectively ... They all ain't shit. I donno ... I think I'm just realizing how much I need to improve and how much settling for these guys won't do anything to motivate me to be better. I want to be the best woman I can be because my hope is that the person o decide to invest in will have so much to offer and teach me and I'll need to do the same for them. I'm not looking for mister perfect, not only is that not exist but I'm not perfect either. I'm just looking for someone who makes me want to be great every day for myself and for them. When looking at the men I have before me ... None of them give me that feeling so I think moving on and doing me is what I need to focus on. -Faye

[speaksecond]

Recently...

It’s taken me a while to find the right words to express how I feel about what has happened in the last few months ... Oddly enough I’ve found more comfort writing about what has been going in then finding right words to type on this blog... Once I got over the fact that there are no “Right words” to explain exactly how I am feeling the idea of writing a post became easier... 

At first I was happy. I was happy that I finally got rid of something that made me so closed off and so scared in terms of my closeness with men. After having sex I realized there are more important things that I crave. More important things that captivate me. More important things that a value. Once I had sex I was happy that I wasn’t a slave to SD. i was happy that I got up and left his home right after. I was happy that my having sex with him didn’t heighten or lessen the emotions I felt towards him.

Then I was confused. He said one thing and his actions said another. I realized that we weren’t even speaking the same language and I realized how strong I was in comparison to him. I was always honest with him and my feelings and he couldn’t find it in his heart to be honest with me. 

Then I was angry minimizing my disappointment to the “obvious” explanation that he’s a idiot. I was cold and weirded out that I wasn’t feeling sad... When in reality I was just pushing the hurt out of my mind. 

Then there came MD ... literally ... Between the crazy instant connection, to my losing my virginity to SD on MD’s Bday when I was supposed to spend it to MD ... to Plan B to next to no words exchanged between us ... I don’t even know what to think of us ... I definitely used MD as a distraction though ... He is attractive and different and I can’t seem to figure him out ... partly because when I see him all we do is fuck ... We don’t talk ... I know nothing about him. Even though he frustrates me to NO end and I feel as though I’m being used I also don’t see myself with him in the future ... I think its the respect I’m craving. I had one guy SD who actively sought out my love and affection to fill a void then completely dropped me flat on my face when I asked hard questions ... Now I’ve moved onto this fkin sex mute man who is NOT ONLY YOUNGER but KILLER in bed ... but I can’t connect with him for the life of me ... and I don’t even think I even want to connect with him.  My relationship with MD is something I have never experienced before. I feel as though the reason I’m so comfortable around him is because I now nothing about him and he knows nothing about me, there are no preconceived notions of who we are or how we should be so it allows me to relax to some extent. But my interactions with him always leave me feeling objectified because he’s investing nothing in really getting to know me ... not that he has to any more as we had sex the first time we hung out... I DONNO MAN... I’ve also never felt more free and comfortable in my own body and comfortable with someone else's body. I personally have never liked cuddling with him however I never want him to let me go. we hold hands and shower each other with subtle intimacy I have never been comfortable with and it’s scary ... It’s weird seeing myself in that way. BUT at the end of the day he never texts first, isn’t really simulating mentally and I can’t seem to get over that. I just want MD to chase me I guess ... He’s the only one who hasn’t really tried ....

Now however I’m just sad, disappointed, and trust no one. Between listening to all my friends sob stories about all these fuck boys to having both guys I have broken through personal barriers with treat e as if I’m indifferent ... I just don’t know what to think anymore ... I hate men ... I genuinely hate them and think they are all incurably idiotic. I look at men walking around and all I can think is “I wonder what heart he’s breaking right now.”

Losing my virginity at this time to SD was probably the best thing that could have happened to me because although I hate what he did I still long for his company. He was great company. I could sit and talk with him for hours on end about anything. I saw SO MUCH of myself in him and we inspired each other during a time when I knew we were both lost. He left me feeling worthless and it may take me a while to get over the fact that people I care about may not care enough about me in the same way I care about them regardless of my efforts and genuine love. I learned you cant force anything, you can hope to influence but you cant force. I learned sometimes I am not enough and there is more than me that someone may need. I learned that no one will ever be able to love another human whole heartedly unless they have come to terms with their own demons. I learned that I was a pawn in his quest for female energy and companionship. I learned that life doesn’t care about what you think is going to happen ... life just happens. I learned that I am SUCH a giving person. I learned that often times I’m a weak person always putting the needs of others before my own. I learned that the reason I am so understanding is because I hope everyone else will be understanding of me and my feelings ... but in reality a lot of people don’t give a fuck. I learned that my heart is fragile but my values are impenetrable and help suppress sorrow when it stems from a place that has compromised my values. I learned I am SO much stronger then I thought I would be during a time of abandonment of trust. 

So ... Although I’m feeling lost ... I’m finding myself more and more every day and this last half year has really made me present... It’s made me realize this isn’t the last time I am going to feel this way ... But at least I know how it feels and I know it wont last.

- Faye

[speaksecond]

Summer 2015

We are WELL into fall now as halloween approaches and I keep looking back on summer thinking “What the fuck happened...?” I’ve had summers that have just passed me by for instance the summer of 2013 ... besides drinking copious amounts of alch ... That summer might as well have been a write-off.

This Summer however was hands down the most dramatic summer of my 22 years of life on this earth. 

I’ve decided to try and compile a list of moments of realization or growth:

1) People do not care: I genuinely care for people and I like to be the person who makes everyone feel comfortable ... But other people do not think like that and for me to operate on the bases of my assuming everyone is on the same page as me is ridiculous. 

2) I am different: I’ve always thought the ways in which I think and respond to life are different. Through meeting new people this summer I’ve realized just how different I actually am. 

3) I need to read more: Fuck man ... There are people out in the world doing amazing things ... I need to read, re-search, stay current ... I’ve been caught in situations where I am in a conversation where I don’t know about political or important world issues. Knowledge is power. The simple fact that someone knows a fact shows they’ve taken the time to know.

4) I have 0 work ethic ... When I was in high school if someone were to ask me to describe myself I would say dedicated every time... Now I’ve come to the realization and acceptance I genuinely don’t give a fuck. I am a lazy lazy lazy person and I absolutely hate working on things I am not passionate about and I am indifferent about working on things I love. I need to find that fire inside me.

5) I am HORRIBLE with money and I have no sense of what is important and valuable in terms of my spending. I need to revaluate my priorities because this bad habit can prohibit me from succeeding to where I need and want to be down the road.   

6) I HATE talking about my feelings with people who have hurt them. I hate talking to people I care for or people who have upset me about why they have hurt me. Being mad is different. I have no problem talking to someone who I’m mad with but someone who has hurt me and upset me. I can barely get my words out when I need to express myself and that needs to change.

7) PEOPLE LIE even and especially when you are the party who is telling the truth. 

8) Genuine people are hard to find 

9) Be a BITCH, Demand RESPECT.

10) You don’t have to be hurt by the things you think will hurt you. You are more whole then you think you are. 

11) Boys will always think with their dick first

12) Boys / Men are always going to be fucking idiots you just have to pick an idiot you understand enough to regulate.

13) Sometimes people genuinely don’t give a fuck about your feelings but thats okay because you don’t have to give a fuck about theirs either. 

14) You talk about yourself a lot ... But so does everyone else.

15) You have a very loud voice when you get to your breaking point.

16) Once someone disrespects you there is absolutely no way of them regaining your trust back ... ever.

17) I still don’t believe I’ll find the one I’m more concerned with finding a hot one for now.

18) It’s okay to use him for affection cause he’s using you for attention  

19) Know the hand you are dealt before you play the game

20) If there is no reason to play “the game” don’t.

xx Audrey

[speaksecond]

Earned it.

He 150% earned it and I regret nothing.

[speaksecond]

All I thought was that obviously I can’t get through to her as a friend the only way I can be close to her is through sex

SD

[speaksecond]

Last night I had these amazingly vivid lucid dreams and not only did I have the best sex dream I've ever had in my life but I also at a point was dreaming that I had wads of gum in my mouth and every time I'd take it out I'd have more. I knew I was dreaming and I knew that this was something I should remember when I woke up and surprisingly I did. SD is a problem that has been reoccurring in my life over and over. I'm just trying to figure out where I go wrong in my selection that makes me end up with the same results over and over. Not only is it annoying but I feel as though I'm not learning anything from my mistakes so I'm trying to figure this out and I guess its ruling my sub conscious more then I thought it would. Faye

[speaksecond]

[speaksecond]

Between Disappointment and Indifference...

I just needed someone to pull the trigger and after a few glasses of Merlot I did. The result … A misfire … Well, less of a misfire and more like a titanium boomerang that came back and sucker punched me in the gut.

It’s weird because from the day I met him there was something different about our connection. In my 21 years of life the only other person who’s been able to connect with me like that was CJ but even in being close and trusting CJ like I did the part that was missing was the physical attraction. This man however … Let’s call him SD was everything I have been wanting for a long time. But yet again I was in a position where I was second fiddle to his ex as well as other women he was having sex with. There are a lot of angles to this story and I want to want to tell you about this awesome summer love story I had but to be honest the idea of typing this all out is annoying because at the end of the day the story ends up like the last million stories I’ve told being that I am yet again alone, disappointed, embarrassed and wondering when the fuck it’s going to be my turn. When I look at mine and SD’s connection it scares me to be completely honest because I thought there was no way in hell that anyone could even deny the romantic emotional connection but he could. He did. After all those long talks after all that time spent together after tears and laughter he just said “no” But on the other hand I understand completely SJ was my best friend a year ago and he fell in love with me. He confessed to me and opened his heart up to me and I said “no” after the many summer nights and long talks and heart to hearts. To be honest I knew SJ liked me. I knew he would do anything for me. When I met up with him recently and we grabbed drinks I can saw longing in his eyes when he looked at me… But as much as I want to be that person to him SJ’s not what I want and I know he’s not the one for me. Just like I’m not the one for SD. I can’t hate SD for his decisions and I’m upset that I’m retaliating in an angry way because I can’t get mad at someone for their own emotions that I can’t control. I’m trying to find balance and centre my emotions between disappointment and indifference but I keep getting angry. On Friday morning when he told me I laid in bed for 10hrs sleeping and crying when I’d wake up between naps realizing how pathetic my current reality was. Broke, pot head, boarder line alcoholic, cocaine snorting student $30,000 in debt with no work ethic whom is heart broken. LIKE HOW FUCKING PATHETIC?! I feel as though I alway write in my journals that I’m going change and be a new person and make good decisions but I never do. So this time I’m not making promises I’m just going to try. Try to make better choices. Try to stay focused. Try to stay motivated. At the moment I haven’t been trying to do much of anything besides get the attention of someone who craves attention just to dismiss it. I’m pretty sure I forgot my own mothers birthday because I was so wrapped up in this stupid shit. I need to start feeling like my old self again when I wanted to be better and do better all the time. Faye

[speaksecond]

Tonight’s one of those nights where I’m sad and confused and embarrassed and desperately trying to not text him a long, heartfelt message expressing my apologies and love for him. I was doing really well, too - although this has been one of our rougher weeks, we seemed to be on okay terms. Last night I kept myself distracted despite the Snapchat and I felt genuinely happy with my friends. This morning I woke up happy and okay. I came home and decided one text wouldn’t hurt - it was a casual one, not dramatic at all. But, of course, that’s when the fucking floodgates open and the minute I got one semi-dry text back I fell right back to zero. I hurriedly ended the conversation and deleted the incriminating texts to avoid wanting to die of shame later on, then took a nap and resolved to forget about the incident and move on. One slip-up was fine.

Then came the weak spots. Waking up from the nap feeling emotionally hungover, I hit a low point and called him. I just needed advice, someone who understood my friendship dynamic well, but I knew I would regret it later. He answered on the second ring (weird but a good sign) and when I asked if he was busy he said yes. Burn. I paused for a bit, debating if I should just hang up and feel like shit or press the matter a little bit, but luckily he pulled the classic, “Why, what’s up?” I was able to get some decent advice from him, but there was definitely that cold resistance there. He was being distant, trying to be there as a friend still without crossing the line. And when he was done, he quickly got off the phone and that was that. It wasn’t the worst scenario that could have gone down, but it still felt shitty. 

A big part of me is mad at myself for it, because this whole week I’ve been telling myself to play it cool, play it cool, and then I go and fuck up already. It hadn’t even been a day. But then logic kicks in and I realize it’s stupid to think of things like that, like this is some game and I lost the first level. This is a process; there are going to be times of slipping up and there are going to be times of actually, legitimately playing it cool. Emotional Audrey thinks he’s over her because she’s given in, he’s moving on because she’s losing the game, this is really it for him. And maybe that’s true. But logical Audrey understands that this is hard on him too, maybe even harder than it is for her, and he’s just better at hiding it. He’s going through a struggle on his own, whether or not to take back the girl he still loves and probably will always love. He’s also debating whether or not it’s better to move on with his life or give things another shot, and he’s also still reeling from the anger and embarrassment of the last break-up. So this situation isn’t as black-and-white as playing some mind games here and there; this is a full-fledged complex situation that requires time and patience and space from both parties. Emotions are running high and things are getting messy. This is the worst time to make big decisions, and I think both of us realize that. Even me, sitting here with the full intention to win back W, can’t fully admit that I’m ready to never break up with him again. It’s an extremely complicated matter, and I have to realize that first and foremost. People can give their own advice but what it comes down to is what I make of it.

The past few weeks I’ve been fiddling around with the mind game approach in hopes that things will work themselves out. But that’s such a backwards way of thinking; if we do end up dating again it’ll have to be a fresh start, and I mean fresh start. No old flames can be brought up, no more ties from the past. We’d have to start with a legitimately clean and blank slate, we’d have to work our way up again. Trust needs to be built. And if I try and start this fresh, new relationship with mind games, what the fuck kind of start to a relationship is that? Things have always worked themselves out organically with us, and I need to trust that things will work themselves out. I’ve done everything I can thus far to express how I feel and what I want, and that’s really all I can do. I can’t keep pestering him or sending him novel-length texts expressing how sorry I am and how much I love him, because it doesn’t do anything but piss him off. So my second step is to understand that space is really and truly the only option at this point.

I suppose the third step is going to be where things get the most complicated. Either three things will happen: 

The space will never end and eventually one of us will find someone new

He’ll start initiating things again, indicating that he’s ready to give it another shot

I’ll give in before the end of the week and things will come full circle again.

After a billion scenarios involving option 3, I’m determined to only allow 1 and 2 as options. Suppose 1 becomes the option; that splits into two more scenarios. Either I’ll be the one to move on first and find someone new (yay?) or he will. If I do, then there really is nothing to worry about anymore, and my worries about life working itself out will be gone (for a little while, anyway). If he does, then this will be the worst case scenario out of all of them. I’ll probably find out from him if he sticks to our agreement of being honest, but more likely than not I’m going to overhear something at work or someone will let slip that there’s someone else in his life. I’m going to be crushed and devastated (I’m legitimately getting anxiety just thinking about this option) and I know my first instinct will be to text him or call him or approach him in some way that may hinder the process of his new budding relationship, but if I value my dignity in any way I can’t do that. I’ll give myself one text or call to confirm any rumours or suspicions (legitimate rumours or suspicions) and that’s it, if I even want to. At that point I may be still helplessly in love with him, but if we have enough space that he’s able to move on the chances are I’ll be a little further in the process, too. So I guess I can take comfort in the fact that things will be much less shitty if I allow myself the adequate space. 

After that initial confirmation, though, I need to step aside. It’s going to be the toughest thing in the world, especially because all I’m going to want to do is beg him for one more chance and try and push back into his life like I did the Arianna thing. But I need to trust in myself and in him and not be a psycho ex-girlfriend. If it truly is a fleeting thing like Arianna than eventually things will fizzle out on their own, just like they did with Kevin for me; if not, then things were just not meant to be, and I’ll be forced to move on even more.

Now suppose option 2 arises. This means he’s ready to give it another shot and I’m going to have to really decide if I’m willing to do this, because as M put it, there’s another person involved. If he’s willing to risk his heart being broken again I can’t just plunge back into this lightly. I need to make a commitment, to myself and to him, that even in times of struggle I’m going to push through and make it work as best I can. There can’t be anymore impulsive, maybe-I-just-wanna-be-single moments. If things don’t work out, if they fall apart again, it’ll be a mutual understanding and not a silly fleeting moment of “Maybe I just want to be single.” But I have to be honest with myself. If I can’t commit to that, then there’s no use in trying anymore, because I can’t keep being that cunt again and again.

When I read my last message on this blog, I wrote that it was safe to say I was 100% over W. What happened? What changed in the past few months besides seeing him and spending time with him again that made me eat my words? I definitely have taken a more logical understanding of my feelings for him, so I don’t discount my feelings at the time as being untrue. I believe I was genuinely ready to move forward with someone else, although I don’t think I was completely over W just yet. We’d been broken up for a little over a month before I met Slater, and just a week before I met him I was in bed crying over W. So although I think I was ready for something else, I wasn’t quite over W in the exact way that I thought.

All right, let’s get the facts straight. Stop being a cunt. Start being a genuine and good-hearted person again. Act maturely. Don’t throw anymore temper tantrums. Stop complaining to your friends about him. Understand you’ll be fine regardless. Don’t text him anymore. Don’t call him anymore. Don’t be a whiny, guilt-tripping bitch anymore. Focus your energy on your school, your work, your veganism. Take care of yourself. Keep yourself busy. Allow weak moments of tears and sad songs and reminiscent memories, but when you’re all cried out, stop thinking about it. Skip over anything that’ll trigger it. Don’t allow yourself anymore fantasies or nostalgia. Think ahead, fantasize ahead. Don’t put yourself in bad situations. Don’t drink or do drugs when there’s a chance you’ll run into him. Don’t watch his Snapchat stories. Read more. Watch Friends. Keep hydrated. Appreciate your friends and family. Stop taking them for granted. Be happy.

xx Audrey

[speaksecond]

Dear Older Faye,

Dear Older Faye,

Even though I know you hate that you are unable to slow down time to a steady pace that allows you to soak in every inkling of emotion, feeling, smell, touch and taste … Know that you can’t and life will not stop and problems will keep arising. Know things will (more often times then not) not go your way. Know there will be tears, failures, heartbreaks but there will also be invaluable lessons to be earned at the end of each milestone and the only way to make those rough times worth it is to learn, never repeat and move on.

Know that along with the copious amounts of bad times there will be an abundance of amazing times. Times that words can not describe moments and pockets of blissful serenity and positivity that will stow away in your mind forever.

Most of these entries are about love or my lack their off and it’s weird because when you look at my life outside this subject I’ve been vigorously writing about my life actually revolves around anything but love and men and this journal has been my saving grace, motivation and inspiration in all matters concerning love and romance. I am so much more then love yet we are all created and made out of love and or desire for love to love... And these entries have been the closest thing to me understanding myself and love. This is why I’m so inclined to write about love all the time it’s probably the one thing I truly don’t understand.

Often times my entries are rich with disappointment and cheeky / some what aggressive sarcasm but this outlet has been my unfiltered playground. The reason for my sanity and for this I am grateful.

I wish I could conclude these entries with a grand perfect ending but I can’t because unfortunately that’s not how life works … Ever. So I’m going to keep it 100% and tell you the four most important things I think I’ve learned over the last few years.

1. Trust the universe know better then you.

2. When someone shows you who they are the first time believe them.

3. The more you know about who you are the most control you will have other your outcome in life.

4. We are all here looking for the same thing in different places and different ways and that “thing” is love.

When initially getting in my fathers car and driving hours away to university I was so naive, green, confused, excited. Now I feel as though the last 4 years have been a fucking marathon and I’m looking back at how far I have come and although I am satisfied I know I still have great lengths to travel to learn more and improve. In terms of improvement the only way for me to succeed is to push myself and I hope that that is a skill I can acquire soon because I know I have the potential to be so happy and to acquire everything I hope for.

If I could wish for any outcome the only thing I’d hope for is for myself to never give up and scum to bland routine days and an unfulfilled life. I want to accept the fact that life doesn’t have to be this cookie cutter layed out path the majority follows. I can make my own path and I can make my own happiness I just need to work hard for it. Even though the future is so unclear when I think about the future I have enough trust in myself to know I will always fight for myself I will always fight for me happiness.

xoxo Faye

[speaksecond]

Go Back.

I don't talk to a lot of men romantically. "Slim to none" is probably the most accurate description for men who I've attempted to pursue and "Slim to none" are the amount of pursuits that have worked out in my favour. As much as I want to push forward and meet new people I always find myself in these pockets of feeling like 16 year old me and t start to talk to thee guys because I know them, I have known them and it's safe. But safe at the end of the day is always what I never want. I don't know what it is but talking to him was always so easy. Whether or not he's playing me now is irrelevant because he is someone I've outgrown some one who has hurt me yet now I feel no romantic emotions for him and not feeling anything for him is the reason why I feel so empowered and so motivated to talk to him. Because I know this soul that has let me down so much is now someone who is a fleeting funny memory. That's why I go back. -Faye

[speaksecond]

Failure.

“In my opinion you have yet to demonstrate the work habits of a successful student or entrepreneur” - My Prof 

I’m drowning in a education system that is destroying my soul

When I decided to come back almost 2 years ago I don’t think it was because I wanted to. I never really wanted to come back ... I wanted to prove myself to people. To my family, friends ... I was lonely and thought the people I wanted to associate myself with were here ... But I was wrong. 

My father told me that me going back to school is like me fitting a square block in a round hole... It just as never going to work ... and instead of viewing this statement as a way to help guide me ... I took it as an insult and wanted to some back to prove to them I could. The problem in all of this however is that this decision was never for myself but for someone so I don’t put in the work ,the time, the effort because this process isn’t for me. I’m in debit $20,000 because I wanted to prove a point and in the end I’ve ruined myself and reduced myself down to this marijuana feigning narcissist.   

I am not me anymore. I’m not excited, driven, determined, happy, I’m just living day to day and smoking to fall asleep to do this shit all over again. I am nothing like what I want to be and don’t even have the drive to make the change and commit to it. I have given up on my health, creating friendships, succeeding in school, acquiring love, kicking bad habits, I have given up on everything but breathing. 

Faye

[speaksecond]

It’s not me ... It’s you.

I’m starting to disagree with saying “if he wants you he’ll work for it”. Yes I agree that when guys like women a lot they will work their asses off ... But no man will want the right women if its the wrong time and they aren’t ready.  if he is scared and doesn’t think he’s ready ... if he went after you and forced a relationship ... things wouldn’t work out anyways. Think about how intimidating having a good women must be because if this girl is so amazing and you don’t want to let her go ... what does that mean for the rest of your life ... and thats scary. The thought that someone you know NOW could be the one thing that stays permanent in my life forever and I feel like when guys are in relationships they either understand that thats what dating is about OR they are oblivious and think being in a relationship is fun ... these are the ppl who have “serious” two and three year relationships one after another. Everyone else in the middle are  terrified and or so unimpressed with what is left behind. 

I’ve been looking at men over the last few months in a different light. A light of sheer stupidity. Men are dumb ... so gawd damn donkey ass up dumb and how they work is so easy to understand. I used to take the way I was treated by guys to heart and I thought that the way they acted towards me was my fault ... But it’s not how they act towards me is a reflection of who they are. I know I’m a great girl and although I do have my demons and things I want to change I know whoever is right for me will enter my life and everything will work out in a way where I’m either learning something amazing about myself and the world ... or I’ll find the “one” as stupid as that sounds and as much as I was to throw up. I don’t think men are ass holes I don’t think women are victims ... I just think that we are all people who have no idea what the fuck we want and finding someone thats perfect for you means you:

- Both are in the place physically and mentally

- Both want a committed relationship 

- Both find each other attractive

- Both see each other in your life in the future

-You are around the same desired age

... the list could go on but look at how fucked up that list is ... its a one in a million chance you will find that. LET ALONE FIND THAT IN THE SAME CITY. SO I don’t think men are wrong. I think we all hurt each other because we are all confused and scared of what we really want and because of that we string each other along and let each other down creating hurt and vengeful people who consciously or subconsciously turn around and do careless things to others and the cycle continues. 

When I look at all the guys I’ve “dated” or had “things” with ... I never really liked any of them ... except 2 and those were just crushes nothing ever escalated because I was to scared! All the others I just talked to, to entertain myself and essentially even though nothing ever got to serious I still let them down because I didn’t really care. No matter how small the rejection ... its still a rejection and it hurts the same way. But this was not because I wanted to be mean or hurtful but because I didn’t know what I wanted so I entertained the idea of a lot of things. This is why I don’t get mad at men anymore ... I used o think they were all the devil but now I’m just seeing that when men retaliate and make stupid decisions the stupider the decision the more lost the man and if you can look at a man and he actions and see what he is doing as a reflection of how he sees himself ... Him cheating on you, ignoring you, abusing your trust is just an indication that he himself is in a really bad dark place and you have no reason to be worrying about that.

Faye

[speaksecond]

Heard this before...

Yes! I know! You have heard this before! Over and over and over but I think I’ve officially become detached from “School Boy” because as of now ... My respect for him is gone. He messaged me the other day asking me AGAIN for a link so he can get an interview at my place of employment ... Obviously I didn’t tell him no. Why would I take an opportunity from someone. However, after doing this for him again and seeing how he has YET to send the email because I have yet to received a CC I can’t help but look down on him. For so long I held him on the pedestal I don’t know why but I thought he was SO cool and I have NO idea why ahaha I genuinely thought he was amazing. I loved everything about him even the bad I was 100% consumed. 

I’m not going to discredit the countless times I wrote in saying I was “over” him because I slowly was shifting my perspective. I was starting to realize he had an abundance of selfish tendencies and that was what was giving me strength to know liking him was hurting me but it wasn’t making me not like him ... I was still very much infatuated. Even as you read my other entries they are literally lists of all the negative things about him and all the negative things he has done. Again, I’m not discrediting those times at all because those were the stepping stones that have lead me to this point and what is different about this time is I know what he’s done, I know what he’s capable of doing, I’ve seen what he does and I’m indifferent as well as I want no part in it. 

I used to go places in hopes to see him. I’d go to the 5th floor of the library in hopes of running into him ... the Idea of that now is completely stupid ... When I wake up in the morning and I look great I don’t hope I run into him so he can see me ... I don’t care. I don’t care to stalk his Instagram a million times a day, or want to creep his on-and-off ex-girlfriend ...

It took a LONG time ... much longer then I had hoped but I am here. in a place where I don’t not like him out of anger, pride, sadness, or nervousness ... I just genuinely don’t like him because I don’t and I want something different. I want someone who isn’t him. I don’t know whats going to happen in the future. Who knows we could make out one night drunkenly because lord knows I do find the kid attractive but the difference between how my emotions would be a year again vs. now after a kiss with him would be night and day. When I see him now I don’t see promise. potential, or a future. I just see a boy who has a lot to figure out. 

My heart feels so light... I like it.

Faye

[speaksecond]

I fucking hate this.

I hate school.

[speaksecond]

I’ve come to realize more than ever how emotionally-driven I am. I used to think it was normal, a classic girl tendency. Then I began to deny it a bit; there were girls far worse than me, I was totally sane when it came to guys. That’s because things were working out, and once they didn’t I became a whole new person. It’s only now, surrounded by people who aren’t nearly as boy-crazy (or at the very least, know how to contain themselves or think of other things) that I realize just how emotionally-charged I am. It’s a little scary; a lot of the biggest decisions I’ve made in life have been swayed by my emotions. My mom points it out to me all the time but I always chose to ignore it, blaming it on her and her over-critical outlook on me. But the sad truth is, she’s so right, so unbelievably correct it’s scary. Everything has to do with my emotions - the way I think, the way I act, even the way I eat. I choose things based on the way I feel about them, and very rarely let the logical option go first. If I’m sad or upset my body reacts, my weight plummets and my stomach becomes the enemy. I can’t count how many times my emotions change; J said something to me today that was a little embarrassing but was so true.

“I swear reality crashes down on you over and over again, while most people deal with one meltdown and go from there.”

It was one hundred percent true. This semester has been a whirlwind of emotions for me; I went from starting the year unhappy and dissatisfied, to being miserable over a break-up, to being elated at the prospect of something new, to being irritable at being unappreciated, to being even more miserable over the break-up, to being even more elated at the actual start of something new, to the constant anxiety that fuck, I’m finally happy and it’s all coming to an end. I’m someone who needs to constantly reassure herself that things are going fine because, when I’m sad, I’m fucking sad. I will sit and wallow in self-pity for who-knows-how-long until eventually something new (or old) comes along to perk me right back up, and then the cycle starts over again.

I’m so tired of being this way, of being so controlled by my emotions. I’m so melodramatic and I always think things are black-and-white; going into my last year of high school felt like the end for me, leaving res life felt like hell on earth, ending that particular summer was a mission and a half, and now leaving university life feels like a whole different ball game. I know this is just the beginning; I have so much more to look forward to, so many memories and some of my best years to come. I know this is just a temporary feeling. But it still sucks. It sucks that I made some of the most driven and ambitious friends that I’ll have trouble finding out of university. It sucks that I met an awesome guy and finally got over my first love and now it’s unlikely to last because he’s staying and I’m graduating. It sucks that these university girls I call my best friends I’ll probably drift from once I move out of the house, while they’re all still together. And it sucks that I still don’t have an exact plan of what I’m going to be doing with my life.

But honestly, this is it. This is life. My mom once told me that the people who really thrive in life, the people that make the most out of it, are the people who know how to deal with its changes. I’m such an advocate for stagnation; change scares the crap out of me. But change has never been the worst thing to ever happen to me. Deciding to transfer to my current uni despite getting back together with W was the best decision I’ve ever made. Breaking up with W despite being terrified and unsure was a blessing in disguise. At one point in these decisions I was sad, I was anxious, and I made an attempt to undo my decision. In the end everything worked out, and I have to keep faith that this will, too.

So goodbye for now to my undergrad years (though I’m not quite done with projects or exams yet). May I find love, light, and happiness in all my future endeavours, and may life work out the way it’s damn well supposed to.

xx Audrey

[speaksecond]

I don't sign off with "xoxo" anymore because there's honestly nothing going on to hug or kiss about.

Faye