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I need Senshi DungeonMeshi to meet Havelock Vetinari and convince him to take better care of himself.

Vetinari is so bloody brilliant except that he takes horrid care of himself and MAYBE that works because of narrativium but holy fuck man. Eat something with more nutrients than plain bread I beg you

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Havelock Vetinari is literature's most dangerous tyrant.

Astute, learned, and wickedly clever, there are no ends the man will not go to in achieving his goals. There is no one he will not manipulate, no one too important to remove by a variety of means, and no one so powerful as to threaten his position.

And this applies, most importantly of all, to himself. Who watches the Watch, after all?

But Vetinari is literature's most dangerous tyrant because he is at once, yes, a tyrant, but ALSO literature's most dedicated civil servant.

He cares for the city. And ONLY for the city. It is from this position of being the man who truly only cares for Ahnk Morpork that he derives his authority. After all, who cares as much as he does?

Vimes? Perhaps, but he's a married man and a father with private concerns that should take his attention as well (even if Vetinari has to constantly remind him of that fact). He has other things to worry about, but good job that man for sticking to his lane: a sledgehammer sized scalpel for repelling threats and keeping the peace.

Carrot? Certainly, but Carrot cares more for the PEOPLE than the CITY. His mind is on the present, keeping the ones who are alive upright and breathing and getting justice for those tragically cut short. He is not concerned with the welfare of the CITY, as such. Not with the future the next generation shall inherit.

The guilds? Self-interested fools who were happy to take what Havelock gave them: stability and a piece of the pie no sane person would eat. They are content to squabble over portions of nebulous power, and all of them recognize that if Vetinari were gone... well, it doesn't much bear thinking about, really.

The nobles? Self-interested fools who are UNhappy with what Vetinari has given them: a slow walk to total obscurity and an eternal life in the back catalogues of Twerp's Peerage. Besides, they tend to only be effective when they can convince others to foolishly do their bidding, and the market for such men has seen a suspicious dearth in supply as late.

The wizards? Certainly not. Tried that before, thank you, and everyone seems much happier when gravity remains consistent and no one randomly becomes newts. Let them remain in their university, fat, happy, and most definitely NOT doing any bloody magic.

Lipwig? Maybe. In time. If he is convinced that it is in his own self-interest and things remain... interesting. But he also has Spike and the Bank and the Post Office, and a man can only juggle so much before suddenly there's a chainsaw in the front row and an awful lot of screaming. Best to keep him in practice of course, but... no. Not yet.

Vetinari uses all of them. They are tools in his box as he tunes and fixes and cares for the Disc's greatest city. The Turtle moves, but so does the Patrician, and it is a close contest on who shifts greater mountains. It is easy to imagine more than a few of the gods on Cori Celeste are keeping an eye on him and wondering what he's up to.

Except for the smart ones. They are doubtlessly taking notes.

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He's such a troll. 😂

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‘Gentlemen, please,’ said the Patrician. He shook his head. ‘Let’s have no fighting, please. This is, after all, a council of war.’

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GNU Terry Pratchett

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You have gained a favor with the Rat Community

Your new status: Revered

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Am I the only one who thinks of Gomez Addams every time Vetinari says “Capital!”?

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idea the assassins' guild has as a part of the training for the young ones a game called "kill the teacher" in which a teaher starts down a coutdown in an elective foreigin language and on zero whoever isn't pointing a weapon at the teacher, they lose. it's a very cheap enrichment for everyone, keeps the students alert and armed at all times, and the know how to count to ten in most languages of the Disc. With older students the teacher can lower the countdown time.

Of course, old habits die hard, so a lot of adult assassins have ran into "clear this space in three, two, one- why are you pointing a crossbow at me?"

this would be so chaotic and hilarious and the amount of accidents I can envision happening are manifold

therefore it is absolutely something that the Guild would have and Downey would think it the fucking bee's knees. Mostly because of the sheer chaos it would create.

Even better is if Vetinari is counting down for something or other and Downey instinctively is like "time to draw a weapon" and Vimes has a thousand heart attacks.

"Commander, I would never be so crass nor so obvious as to inhume the Patrician in the middle of a city council meeting," Downey sneers. "Please give me some credit."

"Oh I'll give you something all right if you don't put away the stiletto you're currently pointing at the Patrician."

"It's fine, commander," Vetinari amiably adds. "This is normal."

Vimes throws his hands up. How can he be expected to work in these conditions? Downey laughs at him. Vetinari tells Downey to behave himself. Everyone else is suitably anxious because that knife came out way too fast for comfort.

&c.

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I want a fic where Assassin's, when bored or in a bit of a hurry, or working over a problem, or in need of some automatic stealth instinctively place themselves in The Highest Spot. The Highest Spot, is, naturally, highly desired and there have been many a concussion and minor stab wound from multiple students attempting to retain such a spot.

I want a fic where stairs are nothing much more than decoration, and that normal people utilise windows.

I want a fic where, when arresting and Assassin, there is the comedic song and dance of a Watchman standing around for minutes at a time, waiting for the Assassin to divulge themself of all the obvious weapons, a pointed Look, and then sheepishly remove the more hidden weapons.

I want a fic where, when meeting with an informant, the Watch often find that they got there twenty minutes ago, and placed themself in the prime Giving An Officer Of The Law A Heart Attack spot.

I want a fic where all Assassin's are deeply, quietly insane by the time they graduate, and those that aren't are watched all the more closely.

I want a fic where Assassin alumni meet up regularly for a chat and to let off some steam and simply be without all The People getting Weird about it.

I want a fic where Assassin's go all but feral when something they care about is threatened.

I want a fic where Vimes gives a full body shudder as Vetinari, in the middle of an unsanctioned ambush, reminds them all that he is very much still an Assassin. also Sybil and Downey are there. that was A Mistake. they're New Best Friends now. Vetinari is never going to get a moment's peace again.

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Why is there a picture of Havelock Vetinari on Peter Cushing's wikipedia page??

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vetinari is fascinating because the patricianship really does not work with anyone else. like. it IS a seat of absolute power. he IS a tyrant. but he genuinely has the objective interest of the city at heart. he can hardly be self-serving as a leader because to him being self-serving means serving the city (insert that one post that theorized that vetinari was like the anthropomorphic personification of ankh-morpork, i can't remember who the op was). he's manipulative, he's an Assassin, he's purposely threatening and he has almost no true friends, AND he can also push the city in the right direction with such self-sacrificing directive that it shifts from the ankh-morpork of night watch to the better ankh-morpork of going postal (or the 'present' of night watch; idk, i think going postal is the latest version of AM i've read so far). in the hands of anyone with even a fraction of a percent more selfishness, the patricianship becomes a true tyranny. but because vetinari is such a weird bastard, what's broken starts to be fixed, rather than be built into something that consolidates his power. si non confectus, non reficiat, but also whatever the latin is for i'm on an altar for this monster of a city

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a conversation between friends was very vimes and vetinari core even if something they would never ever say. so have this thing

context?

original emoji under cut

MY FRIENDS AND I HAVE NOT BEEN ABLE TO LOCATE THE ORIGINAL SOURCE SO IF YOU KNOW IT PLEASE CAN U LET ME KNOW THANK U

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[Vetinari voice] Vimes, of course it's a real tunnel. I wouldn't waste valuable resources paying people to paint a fake tunnel on the wall so that mimes can be released from the scorpion pit, chased down the street like rats in a tunnel, run into the wall and get their bodies crushed up like accordions. I'm a busy man!

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Serval (Leptailurus serval), MELANISTIC, family Felidae, Amboseli National Park, Kenya

Photograph by nicolas.urlacher.photographer

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