speckofbluedust-blog

[speckofbluedust-blog]

Take off

Do you ever feel like sometimes you just want to take a break from everything? like you just want to to to go somewhere, take off and never look back even just for a while. 

Leave everything behind, relive all the pressures, the hardships and the problems. Just be someone they haven't seen before. Do all the things they forbid you to do. Explore. Be wild. Even just for one day. I want to feel all of that. 

I want to be free from myself. Weird right? Maybe. But it felt like my own body is a prison. It feels like there is a part of me who wants to be out. I felt like I've been in autopilot for a long time. I did everything they expected me to do. I've been a good child. The kind of child that you want to brag to anyone who will listen. 

They say I'm a role model. Funny isn't it? Role model. Big words. But they did not know that they were the ones who built the barrier around me, that's why I became the child they wanted. A line which drawn that will electrocute me if I ever dare to cross.

Maybe they're right, maybe not. I just want to feel free. Without boundaries that kept on hindering me to do things. I just want to make my own decisions and stand on my own. Because I know time will come that I need to do it, whether I like it or not.

[speckofbluedust-blog]

Only hope

Writing everything down is my way to make all the heaviness go, but sometimes, even my words fail me. I have so much to say, but where do I start with everything? Should I start with the burden I’ve been feeling the whole time, or should I begin with the brittle home we called family? Honestly, I don’t know.

After finishing the hardships in college, I thought everything will fall into place, but I was wrong. Very wrong. Now that I already finished it, I’m left hanging in the air, asking myself the questions ‘where I should go next?’  ‘what to do now?’. I feel so lost and confused on what I really want to be, but I can’t tell the people around me because they’re expecting too much from me. They’re watching my every move, waiting for something great to happen. But I’m not as great as they think I am.

I’m afraid to disappoint them, but in doing so, I’ve been burdening myself. I’m the ‘only hope’, that’s what they say. I was made to be the only shoulder they could lean on. I don’t have the confidence, but I need to pretend that I have it. I need to act as though I am strong enough to be the hero that they want me to be. Maybe I did the act a little too good because I was able to fool myself too.

It feels like all my life, I’ve been acting like a queen to mask the truth that I am nothing but a flop. But I will continue to wear my crown of thorns and sit in my plastic throne and serve as your ‘only hope’.

[speckofbluedust-blog]

Blind

Even though these past few years have been rough, I still feel like the worst is yet to come. 

I’m already walking towards the end, but why does it seem to go farther, in every step that I take? 

It seems like time suddenly slows down, and the pressure which I have been running from is catching up on me. I want to escape and go back to what it used to be. 

Their encouragements which supposed to pull me up, are dragging me down instead. I’m sailing in the ocean of their expectations, but it’s hard to keep my head above water. The white flag is an enticing sight, which is daring me to let go. 

A lot of people are watching me, anticipating for something great to happen, but I’m not as great as they think. My muscles are too tired to fight, and my limit has been reached. 

These are the words I want to say, but never spoken. 

[speckofbluedust-blog]

Alms. Alms. Give me some alms. 

I am not asking for a piece of bread from your plate. I am not waiting for a dime from your pocket. I am not begging you for things. I don’t need that. 

What I want from you is a taste of your attention, a drug from your love. 

[speckofbluedust-blog]

untitled

I don’t want to compete for your attention. I don’t want to beg for your love. But even though my mind dictates that I don’t want to, deep in my heart I am still begging you. 

[speckofbluedust-blog]

Nakaraan (excerpt)

“Pero kahit ganoon mahal pa rin kita... Sabihin mo lang na mahal mo rin ako, handa akong itapon ang kasalukuyan para bumalik sa nakaraan.” 

[speckofbluedust-blog]

Once upon a time

I am an old thought,  reduced in your subconscious mind. A mere echo of the past, forgotten in the midst of time. A familiar name you memorized before. A glimpse of memory, that you can’t recall at all. We used to be a painting, an artist’s greatest piece. Moments we had before, I hope you’d care to miss.

What we had is history, written in the book of ‘used to be’. We are never a mystery, but now, you are, to me. 

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Show ‘em

Take a flight - the time is ripe. to reach the peak of sky.  This is your chance to explore, the mystery of the unknown. 

They will be blinded by your light, and their vicious vice will curse you in sight.  They will try to bring you down, for the sake of stealing the crown. If you ever show weaknesses,  they will rip you apart to your bones. So don’t let your power wane, give them a taste of hurricane.  Swear that you will not bow, in any battle you will plow.  This is your life, this is your show. Let them see how bright you’ll glow. 

[speckofbluedust-blog]

Almost

Your end came so abrupt,

I didn’t have a time to blink.

You drew me close in loving you,

My heart was on the brink.

I wanted to tell you everything,

all my feelings I hid from you.

But I didn’t know you’d never last,

you left me out of the blue.

I wasted so much time in waiting,

without realizing time is not my friend.

The words I locked inside the chest,

are just letters I won’t able to send. 

[speckofbluedust-blog]

Never

I am crying for the time we lost,

all the could’ve been,

buried in the snowy frost.

I am grieving for the memory that never happened,

like a tip of the pencil,

I never sharpened.

I am missing the person, I never known

like a planted seed,

I never sown.

[speckofbluedust-blog]

Forbidden Line

It may have been so long ago,

from the time I met you.

You took my heart away,

without you meaning to.

Years had passed, the feelings changed.

Now we’re standing on the same ground.

But the light whenever I saw you,

will never leave the bound.

I wish I could say that you became mine,

somewhere in time.

But there are things in life,

that I’m  not allowed to cross the line. 

[speckofbluedust-blog]

Surface friends

We are together, but I feel so alone. I’m out of it, but you’re in the zone.  I thought I could fit, but wasn’t cut out for it. I still stick with you, even though I feel left out. ‘Coz I am nobody, I’m not allowed to pout.  I laughed at your jokes, I wish it wasn’t a choke. Let’s pretend together, And wait ‘till the day it broke. 

[speckofbluedust-blog]

Always

What we had was like a book,  forgotten inside the chest.  Our words laid beneath the pages, of crisp papers  and well-worn folds. Inside the book was a trip down memory lane. What we had from then and now,  totally not the same.  When then you seemed to memorize my name, Now, you can’t even  remember who I am. Here we are, across the jagged line, drawn for us by time. Dear old friend, let’s jump to the past, retrace the steps we took. Back to the time I’ve known you, without remembering where to look. It may have been so long ago, I met several people too. But if I come to choose  between them and you, you’ll always have me true. 

[speckofbluedust-blog]

It takes a great deal of bravery to stand up to our enemies, but just as much to stand up to our friends.

J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone (via booksqouted)

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[speckofbluedust-blog]

Magkabilang Mundo

Ilang buwan na rin ang nakakaraan,

noong huli kitang nasilayan.

Ngunit aking lungkot ang panghihinayang,

akin pa ring nararamdaman.

Batid kong ang kwento natin ay walang simula,

Subalit hindi ko inaasahang mawawala kang parang bula. 

Masakit alalahanin ang nakaraang ako lang ang may alam,

mahirap kalimutan ang damdaming ako lang ang nakaramdam.

Akala ko ang sugat na dulot ng kahapon ay hihilom na,

Pero bakit hanggang ngayon sariwa pa?

Hindi na dapat ako naluluha t’wing masisilayan ang larawan mo,

hindi na dapat ako nalulungkot sa t’wing nababasa ko ang mensahe nila para sa’yo.

Hindi na dapat kita naiisip ng ganito,

nawala na dapat ang lahat

kasabay ng pagkalagot ng hininga mo. 

Oo, tanggap ko na,

wala ka na talaga.

Pero hindi maiwaksi sa isip ko,

na sana.....

sana nandirito ka pa.

Aking nasisilayan kahit sa malayo lang, 

aking nasusulyapan sa tuwi-tuwina.

Hindi mo nabatid kung gaano ka kahalaga,

kahit hindi naman tayo nagkakilala. 

Duwag kasi ako,

kaya hindi ko nasabi sa’yo. 

Ngayon nandirito pa rin ako,

nakabitin sa tulay nating pinagtagpo,

ngunit nanatiling magkalayo. 

[speckofbluedust-blog]