sphaeria

[sphaeria]

@baratan

     Anteiku had been almost as gloomy as the weather outside on this particular day. It was a miracle anyone had bothered to come in, considering the typhoon bending trees and stealing umbrellas beneath an almost-black sky. Needless to say, Kaneki was restless for something to do that wasn’t wiping down every glass behind the bar for the third time.

     And get something to do, he most certainly got, when the door breezed open to reveal a windswept, soaked girl who looked like she ought to be absolutely freezing.

     “Ah, miss, I’ll have some towels for you in just one moment!”

[sphaeria]

I really can’t escape this kid. If any of you still following are interested, like for a starter?

[sphaeria]

Want a random starter?

Send me a symbol…

🎬 for me to use a line from the last movie I watched as a starter 📹 for me to use a line from my favorite movie as a starter 📚 for me to grab the book nearest to me, flip to a random page, and use the first line of dialogue I see as a starter 🎧 for me to shuffle my playlist and use the first line of the next song as a starter 🎶 for me to use my favorite line of the last song I listened to as a starter 📺 for me to use a line from the last TV show I watched as a starter 💻 for me to use a line from my favorite TV show as a starter 🎵for me to shuffle my playlist and use my favorite line of the next song as a starter 😊 for me to make a starter based off the first thing in your wanted plots tag 😉 for me to make a starter based off the first thing in my wanted plots tag 💋 for a shippy starter 😡 for an angsty starter 👊 for an argument/fight starter 🌈 for a random encounter starter 🏩 for a nsfw starter 📫 for a text message starter 💀 for a dark starter 🍬 for a fluffy starter

[sphaeria]

POSTS ON WRONG BLOG.... BYE.

[sphaeria]

“You _ me” sentence starters

“You hate me”

“You comforted me”

“You wanted me?”

“You left me”

“You chose me”

“You kissed me”

“You held me”

“You love me?”

“You loved me”

“You hurt me”

“You broke me”

“You lost me”

[sphaeria]

Hello. Welcome to rambling with Lukas! Today’s topic is how Tokyo Ghoul is a very long narrative that demonstrates the effects of physical and emotional abuse and other kinds of trauma, and how it transforms and destroys a person and their morals (in Kaneki’s case), or can be overcome to some degree (in Suzuya’s case).

In other words, it’s nearly three in the morning and I’m rambling about the deeper, subliminal message hiding underneath the brunt of the entirety of Tokyo Ghoul’s plot.

Ultimately, Kaneki progressed through five stages and I’m actually kind of blown away when I compare this with the idea that he started out with a more manageable form of depression/anxiety/social anxiety that evolved into something completely unmanageable.

If we focus on something that’s been a really important theme when it comes to Kaneki since the beginning of the manga, it’s kind of striking. These are the stages I’ve noticed him going through:

 Maybe I'll be happy someday. (Before Rize)

 I don't know if I'll ever be happy. (After Rize)

 I'll never be happy. (Anteiku raid)

Do I deserve to be happy? (Sasaki Haise)

 I don't want to be happy anymore. Alternatively, I’m sick of trying to be happy. (Akaneki)

In other news, I am a broken man and Kaneki Ken is a fucking mess just like me.

[sphaeria]

im never opening up to anyone ever again its a stupid idea

[sphaeria]

Looks at how long it took me to finally do a reply on here. ... Whoa okay I am so sorry??? I’ve been dealing with a lot of personal stuff and got distracted on my Hide blog too. I’ll try to get to being here more often. Sorry everyone!

[sphaeria]

2 or 11

The way you said “I love you.“ | Accepting!

With a shuddering gasp.

     Fingers skated gingerly over soft, warm skin as if together, they had all the time in the world. In reality, there was only another fifteen minutes before Haise had to leave for work, but neither of them seemed to care. Not with Ken’s lips pressed so delicately against the pale column of his lover’s neck, and his hands quite occupied beneath slightly rumpled clothes with something that wasn’t nearly so innocent as the affection he was showering on him above the belt.

     There were no protests, despite the possibility of lateness looming over his lover’s head. No, instead, there were breathless kisses. Soft whines were punctuated only with complaints about how little time they had to do more than this -- he should have left five minutes ago. Even so, when Kaneki’s thumb brushed against hot, swollen flesh, Haise gasped, hips twitching for the final time, “I love you.”

     Ken could only smile fondly against his neck as he murmured into his skin something far purer than the mess now coating his hand. “I love you, too.”

[sphaeria]

@rudbeckiia @fiorediamant

     What are those idiots doing...

[sphaeria]

     If he himself was bitter, and sad, Kaneki can’t find it in him to blame Tsukiyama for being so just as much as him. Feeling it directed at him with such vehemence, though, was another story. It stung. It stung in a way that he definitely didn’t want to show, but his face betrayed him, and before he could think to lie, he blurted hoarse words.

     “I didn’t lead them to you. I don’t expect you to trust me.”

     Fingers clenched and teeth worked at the soft, fragile skin of his cheek. Kaneki could taste iron but that didn’t stop him. Not even when it coated his entire mouth, and certainly not when he continued speaking, regardless of whether they were words he’d regret uttering in the first place. “After you tried to stop me I ran into Arima Kishou in the underground. For all my real rights, I may as well be in Cochlea. There is no difference. I’m a living quinque. I didn’t know better before because I got stabbed in the head. Twice. I should be dead. I should have listened.”

     A sharp, uneven breath follows those words, and slate grey eyes disappear behind his eyelids. “I wish I were. I got a promotion for my fight with you, yes. Mostly because I almost took out the Owl. I didn’t want the promotion, but if I said that...” Lower standing would make the changes he’s attempting to make in the world impossible, and he may be punished for it. Others may be punished for it. “That doesn’t justify any of it. I hurt you. The CCG hurt you. Pretending I don’t care about that is...”

     He’s having trouble breathing, and his vision is flickering as a headache starts setting in. Fingers move to pinch the bridge of his nose, as if that might fix it -- chase away the pain. Admitting he cares hurts. “There’s nothing else I can do but tell you to go away. I don’t want to have to hurt you. Not again. If your life doesn’t include waiting, then get away. I don’t want another promotion because I killed you or anyone else.”

     He’s expected to do terrible things, and rather than terminate him for disobedience, if they find out he knows who he is again, every name he knows, every face her recognizes could be in danger. Yes, he’d certainly rather die than be in this position, but if he pretends to be an ignorant child as he has been, he can use it rather than get used to end the lives of the people he loved. Horrible though that entire situation was, Shuu was alive, and it was intentional.

“I’m not waiting.”

It blurted out from him, interrupting and blunt. There was nothing in this world Kaneki could offer him to replace what he had already lost. Matsumae, Kanae, Mairo… There were names he would never know from his lack of involvement with the various businesses that had essentially helped his very existence, aided in maintaining his survival until the very end. It was debt he could never repay. 

Being scolded by Kaneki only rubbed salt into the wound. 

Stupid was not an adjective Tsukiyama wanted to hear from the other when his situation was far different from his own. An investigator was free to roam willingly, praised for his accomplishment of slaughtering an entire family to the brink of extinction. His kill count was measured in trophies and promotions. He silently wondered if Kaneki received an award for his accomplishments, if he received a benefit from his misfortune. 

Karma was cruel in this sense. Tsukiyama’s past transgressions with Kaneki may have led him to this. His selfishness and pestering need to claim whatever his hands touched. Perhaps it was his own fault, but no one should have had to pay the price for his mistakes. Unfair.

A flicker of bitter disdain crossed his features, disbelieving the words spewed from Kaneki’s mouth. 

“Did you want an award for allowing me to live?” As if anyone could call it truly living, but he refrained from uttering such thoughts. “Next time won’t happen. I can’t… This – My life after this does not include waiting.” Not for him. A thin hand pushed at the grip still around his arm, forcibly removing it from him. The last thing he ever wanted was to have Kaneki’s touch upon him. The same hands that had indirectly destroyed people he held dear.  

At least not now… Some things would not be forgotten, forgiven. 

“I can’t trust you, Kaneki.” 

[sphaeria]

32.

|| @sphaeria - the way you said, “I love you” - still accepting !! 

32. ‘in a way I can’t return’ 

Familiarity followed his silhouette in the way he walked away from him, repeating a scene that haunted Tsukiyama every moment he closed his eyes. It was always the same. His voice cracked in an attempt to bring him back, to call out to the only person to have been both a remedy and his ultimate demise. He screamed until his throat went hoarse, raw and sore from envisioning a figure coming toward him, only to disappear when his arms extended, desperate for any contact.

“Kaneki-kun, please…”  Barely a rasp, breathless and choking on sobs that shook his entire body. Tsukiyama knew he was alone in his bedroom much as he often was. The servants could probably hear him; a regular occurrence that had become a daily part of everyone’s lives. It was hard for anyone to intervene in his mental state. It wasn’t as if he wanted them to in the first place. Existing in this fading world was a task all on its own that left him tired, almost wishing for the inevitable end. 

Fingers dug deep into the edge of mattress, clinging him to the side of the bed in hopes this vision would falter and change his mind, return to him… “Kaneki, what can I do to make you stay? I’ll give you anything, anything you want.” Bargaining with the image never worked. Tsukiyama should have learned from the multiple times he had tried. There was no object, trinket, or gift he could ever give to Kaneki. In the past, giving all he could was never enough. Tsukiyama was a man built on worldly possessions. Some things did not come packaged in pretty bow or don an expensive price tag, some things he did not know how to give. 

“Please, please… D-Don’t – Don’t go!” Polite asking turned into pleading, teetering over the brink of begging. All Tsukiyama could do was watch and wait until Kaneki’s image disappeared, faded into nothing. He should ignore it for his own health, but desperation made people resort to crazy antics. “Kaneki, can we go back? I want…” There were several things he wanted, things wealth could never buy. Kaneki was one of them. His time, company, affection. He… 

“I love you…”   

There were few Tsukiyama ever expressed such powerful emotions. He was well aware he was loved, yet unable to return the same sentiment, but for Kaneki, he already acknowledged he was too late. This was the fate he had designated for himself. He deserved it. 

[sphaeria]

i’ve changed; i can’t go back to the way i was. 

[sphaeria]

i love discussing conspiracy theories involving hide with seras in the morning.

[sphaeria]

I’ve been grieving all my life.

six word story //  (via streetratted)

[sphaeria]

The way you said “I love you.“

Some fluffy, some angsty prompts

As a hello

With a hoarse voice, under the blankets

A scream

Over a cup of tea

Over a beer bottle

On a sunny Tuesday afternoon, the late sunlight glowing in your hair

As a thank you

As an apology

When baking chocolate chip cookies

Not said to me

With a shuddering gasp

When we lay together on the fresh spring grass

In a letter

A whisper in the ear

Loud, so everyone can hear

Over and over again, till it’s nothing but a senseless babble

When the broken grass litters the floor

From very far away

With no space left between us

As we huddle together, the storm raging outside

Over your shoulder

Muffled, from the other side of the door

Through a song

Without really meaning it

In a blissful sigh as you fall asleep

Broken, as you clutch the sleeve of my jacket and beg me not to leave

A taunt, with one eyebrow raised and a grin bubbling at your lips

When I am dead

Slowly, the words dripping from your tongue like honey

Too quick, mumbled into your scarf

In awe, the first time you realised it

In a way I can’t return

On a post-it note

Before we jump

As a goodbye

[sphaeria]

@keiketsuso and I were discussing how Hide would have nightmares about losing Kaneki a lot and be really terrified of it because it feels so real (and also because of the possibility of him having already lost his parents or something to add to that anxiety) and showing up at Kaneki’s apartment in the middle of the night to make sure he’s still there and I kind of rolled with it rip.

     He doesn't know how many times he's ignored the incessant pounding on his apartment door, now. It's been almost nonstop for five minutes now, and he doesn't know why it's happening. Truthfully, Kaneki wasn't really anywhere near awake until about a minute ago when he realized that it wasn't something he was hearing in his dream -- someone was frantically beating at his door. Worry settled like a rock in the pit of his stomach as, after taking several moments to make sure he was decent, he swung his legs over the side of his bed and rushed as much as a groggy college student could to open his apartment door at four in the morning.

     What he saw when he turned the lock and pulled the door inward startled him. Hide, his best friend who was always sunshine and smiles, standing outside with his fists raised to continue beating the door. Hide, the guy who was always carefree and there to make people laugh -- crying his eyes out. Inhaling sharply and sucking his lower lip between his teeth, he pulled his friend inside and shut the door carefully behind him. Almost immediately after, he was engulfed in a hug that could be more accurately referred to as a stranglehold.

     Though he didn't know what was wrong, he'd hug him. Play with his hair. Whisper that it'd be alright. This happened many times over the course of their first semesters in college, and Hide never once told him what was wrong. Eventually, Kaneki gave him a key. That way he didn't have to get out of bed, but when Hide slipped in with him, he could roll over and hold him close and remind him he was there.