sphere-and-square

[sphere-and-square]

Why do we have to demand so much from other people, when we should be the solution ourselves?

Chapter 1: personal reflection

I always don’t understand the thing about marketing, commerce and politics for a prosocial cause. This extends into a lack of understanding about interdependence in relationships. I don’t even understand why people have to be so insistent on gaining advantages from others instead of just giving them up entirely. Sure, if they have a family to raise, a country to defend, having to merely survive through life, I can condone such behavior, but otherwise, their behavior will be nothing more than a proof of a lack of restraint in carnal desire.

Jealousy is the green-eyed monster, and having to live with it eating out my subconscious mind is unimaginable.

Now that I have thought about it, why do people have to be so blatantly selfish while denying it on paper? I am obviously one of them, so I wonder why it is so difficult for people to be honest with themselves? I guess it is the thing about us being social animals. It is essentially a product of peer pressure. It is essentially…well, I mean, humans don’t have much to live for, so they try to create meaning by gathering information from their surroundings, including that of other’s definitions of what makes life worth living. Anything is possible, and especially that.

I kept on telling myself, I only attempt to succeed because otherwise I wouldn’t survive in my circle, but never because I feel like such things are essential for me to live a fulfilling life. If only my parents have never put in so much effort in raising me, if only I have never spent so much money on self-help books, academic support materials and tuition, if only I am not located in a bustling city that is ridiculously competitive… i guess I would be perfectly fine to live in some random hut with only vegetables, some tea and a book if that is all that I can have. Maybe I am meant for greater things, but you know the whole process of presenting your work acts like a reverse energy pyramid, since the positive impact of your contributions tend to reduce as we move down the social ladder, lost to a bunch of added hassles such as accessibility (mentally, knowledge gaps; physically, resources) , and in some major countries… let’s say ineffective bureaucracy or lobbying, maybe.

At this point, I don’t even know what I want out of interacting with people anymore. Not like as if I am anti social, but perpetual loneliness knowing that people will never understand why I never asked for help and just wanted someone who I can be completely transparent with. I don’t even know if my moral concerns are justified, since it conflicts with my real life responsibilities and I have never really experienced true solitude . I might’ve idealized the experience. Maybe my thoughts on the whole subject matter is completely pointless if I don’t even know what my world actually looks like.

[wow that is a lot of rambling i can’t even extract key points for now]

[sphere-and-square]

The remnants of evil

"I am a part of the system. Everything that I do, abides to the code named cause and effect. Or at least, I'd like to believe so. I do know for a fact that, history is shaped by the victors. So in turn, I strive to be near the crown just so reality can operate in my own terms. You may lose your generational wealth to housing loans, you may not travel once in a life with that 9/5 job that only pays you 7000 dollars a year. You may even decide to decay prematurely. That's because I exchanged your life for mine. For now, the world keeps marching on, and I give my condolences to the bloodied remains of your flesh. "