Last Seen Blogs
serene-sundisc
devilynn
fanfictionconnectionwordpress
Fanfiction Connection
rayeatskids
Focus on the summer wind in the evening
i4koocat
luka
Text
i love talking to him.
i kinda dont want to tell him that cuz im afraid he'll think i want this to be some kinda non platonic relationship and idk if i want that or if im ready for that but just by talking to me i think he's helped me so much and not only that i also love listening to his voice and i could listen to him talk forever.
i cant tell him how grateful i am because then i feel like im being dramatic but i think im just being genuine.
its like i dont want to admit how lonely and ashamed of myself i am or how much i actually hate myself or something like i dont want to be some insecure girl that gets preyed on IF thats the case if that makes sense
idk
just by talking to him ive learned so much about myself and that its ok to be myself haha
and i love that he loves that im weird
i think by talking to him im helping him too
but yea k thats it cuz im scared he might find this somehow but hey also if u do hi tysm im so glad i met you and also you didnt read this and dont mention it to me ever ever ever ever ever and i cant sleep im listening to u snore rn btw
0 notes
Text
i dont even want to wear the clothes my dad got me.
even the shoes that i actually like. i like wearing my holey vans.
my dad bought me so many shoes but my vans are my favorite.
my mom wants me to throw them away.
0 notes
Text
taking a shower tomorrow
i didnt get much for christmas this year tbh
im kinda jealouse cuz my siblings got really expensive shit and i got like pretty much just stocking stuffers lol. i guess if i really want something i need to get it myself huh
anyway,, he texts me constantly but also calls me everyday. hes so nice to me it makes me cry. H is nice to me too. when i think about how nice these internet strangers are to me it makes me sad because i feel like im not allowed to be myself and im not accepted at home. im so afraid to be myself here and i dont feel like i fit in but when i talk to the little people in my phone?? they make me feel things? like im not crazy or weird OH MY GOD istg i cry almost everytime i talk to him cuz hes soso nice to me
idk what it is or what i wanna say exactly i kinda just wanna figure out how to word this so ik how to tell my couonselor.
what happened recently was i went to walmart with my dad and like i didnt take a shower or anything cuz we were just going to applebees and walmart and i dont even like applebees so who cares if my hair is fucked up right but when we went to walmart my dad was like you need a makeover cuz ur hair is bad and i kinda took offense honestly cuz i dont like my dad making comments about my appearence like this one time he told me i "need to work on my glamour" like wtf so i told my mom what he said to me at walmart and she AGREED WITH HIM AND SCHEDULED A DAY TO TAKE ME TO THE MALL TO BUY CLOTHES. and then so we went like on firday before christmas and it just kinda made me feel like a child and also like i was neglected when i was an actual child cuz idk i have like a lot of self image issues and i just wear whatever makes me not hate how i look and rn thats big skirt and little shirt but my mom wants me to wear jeans and regular shirt and i just think i look so bad in it. like she wanted me to get 5 outfits at the mall and i was like "so we're just gonna buy 5 pairs of the ssame pants? what if i dont even wear them?" and she said "YOU HAVE TO" so after that i felt kinda belittled? basically like i had no power or say in what im allowed to wear like A KID. BUT when i was an actual kid i would litterally go to school and my shoes would fall apart and i used the same ugly backpack from like 6th til highschool. like i dont understand why my parents suddenly care about how i look? now that im an adult? theyr ebasically saying they dont like how i dress and that upsets me because i feel like im finally able to learn how to express myself with how i dress now that im not inschool and scared of how people might percieve me and theyre judging not just how i look but also me yk
i NEVER got compliments when i was younger. i mean definatelelty not as much as i do now that im not as afraid of being myself. i mean people compliment me on my hair, my outfits, my glasses, my voice.
IM SMART, IM FUNNY, IM SILLY, IM WITTY, IM CUTE, IM PRETTY
IM GOOD
my hwole life everyone would describe me as quiet, shy. i thought i was weird, abnormal, i thought everything i liked was stupid.
i think i just need to get out of here.
its so hard to not hate myself when everyone around me sucks.
again, self image issues, insecurity, shame. when i was younger i used to hide pictures of myself cuz i just thought i looked so ugly and i still do. i'll look at those old pictures and think why would my parents let me go out in public like that? like ive always thought i was only cute as a toddler and then went downhill after that lol. but anyway im working on that by saving pics of myself when i was younger cuz thats me!! and if i were my parent i wouldve been a way better parent than my actual ones. she deserves everything she wants.
0 notes
Text
FUCK
my new new years resolution is to gtf out of here because i think i hate living with my family and i want to live alone.
i decided that i guess i am gonig to go back to school but i still feel like getting my bachelors in psych is dumb and cringe and a waste of money but at least id be like making progress towards something yk instead of just rotting. i just dont think id have th emotivation or energy to do my best work ;/
i kinda also want to get rid of all of my stuff
ok so heres what i want:
to leave
300 dollars for headphones
so i need like a job i guess but idk how
0 notes
Text
ok now im shaking and freakinf out?? like i was freaking out before but now im shaking and it might be becasue i had coffee butr idk i feel like i need to lay down and thats what im doing rn .
i wish my discird bfs would text me back and say nice things to me or something funny or literally anything
ouhghhhhhhhhh my god wtfffff
0 notes
Text
its just difficult hearing people say nice things about me i think
people who DONT EVEN KNOW ME are telling me im so nice and smart and i have so much potential. sometimes i think so too but when i tell my family or anyone what i want to plan to do i dont get much support and i get doubtful of myself.
some people say not to tell people ur plans but idk
i DONT KNOW
0 notes
Text
posting because the psychicatrist decided to get sick when im having a crisis?:
idk where to start tbh LLOOL but i think im NOT DOING WELL. like on the outside evertytthings fine like nothings changed at all but i think im going insane. i think ive just realized how i have like 0 emotional suppoport system and whenever someone says something genuinely nice about me it makes me feel emotional because like i had family visiting this past week and my mom and my cousins tarted talking about college and my mom was saying how i wasted money going to college. i said that i didnt feel like i wasted my money becasue i have a degree now and i could always go back and get my bachelors but she said "BUT WHAT ARE U DOING EITH IT" and it just pissed me off because i feel like shes negating my accomplishment.
what made me cry last night was when i was messaging this guy and he was telling me about how he had class in the morning and we started talking about college. i told him how i was thinking about going back to school in january and he said i should.
for some reason i feel like getting my degree in psych would be cringe or a waste of time/money because my friend told me everyone she knows who did thinks so, like its some useless art degree. but when i asked this guy if it was cringe he said "so cringe... imagine having ambitions" im fucking stupid and didnt notice the sarcasm and i said "might as well start playing bucket drums on the street ig" because idk i guess i imagine getting a degree in psych would be just as dumb as someone trying to make it in the music business by playing on the street or something. he said "everyone thats going to college has ambitions. So in that case we all need to go play street bongos" and that perspective completely exploded my brain and i started crying LMAO because i guess going to college is a risk no matter what and u just have to believe in urself or some gay shit. it made me think of a taz cameo where he told someone that "nobody is gonna support your journey no matter how much they love you until youve proved to them that your journey was worth supporting" and that made me sad kinda because like i said i dont think i really have any kind of support from family rn and i kinda just have myself but i have like 0 confidence and negative self esteem and my family just being dissapointed in me and saying negative stuff really doesnt help. so i guess the moral of the story is that i have to trust and believe in myself because no one else will! really sucks i think. yeah but i only just started talking to that guy like YESTERDAY and im sure he prob felt like what he told me was nothing but it really did impact me and pulled the last tiny string that was emotionally holding me together. i apologized for being cynical and i told him i appreciated his words because i was kinda responding in a joking way that might have come off as rude i think? the silly bandaid just isnt working so good no more.
but fr i think while my anxiety is a lot better i think my depression is getting worse just due to my circumstances. like can u believe i almost went to the movies with some stranger internet guy just because i didnt want to be with my family?? i think somethings making me more impulsive than usual. i was going to buy cigarettes today and the only reason i didnt was because my appointment got canceled.
some other things tho i kinda didnt like having my cousins come visit because i just feel so inferior to them. like they look better and are just doing kinda all the stuff i should be doing yk? makes me feel shitty AND i feel like my mom just kinda infantilizes me like my parents treat me like nemo and i just cant do some things for some reason. its just so frustrating like my parents make me upset and i just want to move far away from them but also like they dont encourage me to do stuff on my own and when i try theyre like how are you even gonna do that you cant do that you have a bad fin like HELLO HELP ME FIX MY FIN THEN? I WOULDNT HAVE A BAD FIN IF YOU DIDNT HELP PREVENT IT IN THE FIRST PLACE LOL BUT IT JUST SUCKS THAT I HAVE TO DO ALL THIS BY MYSELF
i just dont want to be living here in like 5 years. thats a goal huh? if i had been asked where i wanted to be in 5 yrs when i was in high school id be like idk but i somehow managed to grow a goal somehow just out of misery i guess. and the steps are so cleaar in my head but then the voices tell me i cant do it because im scared BUT thats the point of life or something right??
jesus chhrososttt in reality nothing is really changing irl but im having some sort of crisis rn
ive even been trying to talk to boys LOL ive just been wanting some kind of escape from my life,, some independence, i want MY OWN LIFE that my mommy doesnt know everything about. i want to go to the movies with someone im not related to.
ok these paragraphes are all fucked up and i would fix it but i dont wanna go through and reread them
0 notes