spilledmlk25

[spilledmlk25]

but i guess it doesn’t have to be love, i just want my first kiss :(

i just really don’t want to be alone during another holiday but that’s not a good reason to want to love

[spilledmlk25]

i just really don’t want to be alone during another holiday but that’s not a good reason to want to love

[spilledmlk25]

also not the first time she has gone after a guy after i said i liked him, not even the second time!!

my best friend introduced this guy into our friend group to get me to date him a couple of months ago

but i was suffering from a devastating crush that i finally got over last month

finally feel like i could maybe be in a stable relationship and wanted to talk to this new guy, and i told my friend that i liked him but i didn’t know how to talk to him

she said she’d help me

then proceeded to talk to him alone for 2 hours

made me feel so pathetic

she’s one year younger than him and i’m three

he said he didn’t want to date younger than two years to her during their conversation she told me

and she told me (like she was helping me out) but what about a really mature 19 year old??? as if that would help

i just felt so helpless in that moment

because he’s not even mine i just felt like a little kid, it was humiliating

she spent all night telling stories about me from two years ago, embarrassing myself and being immature as if talking about me would get him interested but she was telling the worst stories

i really hate it

[spilledmlk25]

my best friend introduced this guy into our friend group to get me to date him a couple of months ago

but i was suffering from a devastating crush that i finally got over last month

finally feel like i could maybe be in a stable relationship and wanted to talk to this new guy, and i told my friend that i liked him but i didn’t know how to talk to him

she said she’d help me

then proceeded to talk to him alone for 2 hours

made me feel so pathetic

she’s one year younger than him and i’m three

he said he didn’t want to date younger than two years to her during their conversation she told me

and she told me (like she was helping me out) but what about a really mature 19 year old??? as if that would help

i just felt so helpless in that moment

because he’s not even mine i just felt like a little kid, it was humiliating

she spent all night telling stories about me from two years ago, embarrassing myself and being immature as if talking about me would get him interested but she was telling the worst stories

i really hate it

[spilledmlk25]

i want to let go of my insecurities but i’m scared that i’m too comfortable in them

[spilledmlk25]

how do you talk to men and like… get into a relationship

why is it so hard for me i wish it just came naturally

i’m thinking too hard about it but it’s hard not to think about

[spilledmlk25]

still hasn’t :( so fucked

my parents got divorced finally holy shit

[spilledmlk25]

so uh…

so u consider me a child because i don’t wanna do shrooms?

[spilledmlk25]

i’ve been happy for a really long time now

room is clean

skin is cleaning up

i’m tan

all of my relationships are stable and good

i turned 19

my fake has been working lol

i’m calm again

i may be single and car broke but i am free

[spilledmlk25]

i wish i could just feel better right now but the world feels so dull

[spilledmlk25]

i feel like i can never talk about my feeling without my mom fucking adding on about how hard her life is and bringing up shit i’ve said months ago that has hurt her feelings

LIKE I UNDERSTAND how hard you work. But i’m working hard too. I have two jobs and i help around the house as much as i can, as well as taking my brother to school every morning. i hate myself and body and the way i act around people and the way i have a victim complex. but i just cant take the fact that i feel like my emotions are never taken seriously because everyone thinks im being dramatic when i think about how shitty i feel every day.

i feel like it’s a valid reason to want my house to be clean. I know that’s hard for this family, but i thought mom divorcing dad would solve that problem. our house is always cluttered with trash and dishes, never vacuumed, always cluttered and it just makes me so depressed every time i come home from work. i just want to cry all the time about it, but i cant motivate myself to do anything after working for hours.

and yet, i can’t express any of these emotions because my mom will get her feelings hurt. i can’t take it anymore

[spilledmlk25]

im done with being immature and holding onto my middle school self

like i am an adult now, i need to start acting like one

i’m still way too interested in how things were back then, my innocence being the only thing keeping me “good”

i am older now and i’m way too old to care about things that aren’t real. like social media or games for kids

i think the divorce has been fucking with my head since 2020 but i also think it was because i have refused to let go of things in the past. i need to let go and forgive and fully move on.

because every single day, i can let go, and i have constantly refused. because i only focused on being the same old gigi, i have not grown at all. i haven’t admitted that to myself. and i have not said it to anyone else either.

at this point, it’s masochistic behavior, just like how my dad was to himself. and he leaned on mom to do the work for him. just like i do to liv.

i’ve got to stop feeling sorry for myself that i haven’t grown, but i continue to be a coward.

so yeah i’m done whining on a private account about my self deprecating ‘true self’ and i’m going to start living for myself. it’s the only way i can be around others without guilt.

it’s the only way i’ll feel confident about myself. If i don’t feel like im living a lie. which is stupid.

I LOVE MY LIFE i really do. i’m having so much fun. and id be having more fun if i wasn’t thinking about other things instead of living in the moment with my friends!!!

anyways that’s all, i’m making this decision and i feel like writing it down will help me feel better & never come back to this human i was. i’m done!!!🫠🫠

[spilledmlk25]

man i’m so stuck in my head and so negative. i hate that.

i love my friends and family so much

i am stopping this habit of being so hard on myself all the time and just be happy living and being around the people i love

i need to quit all of this childish thinking and live in the world

maybe i should quit social media lmfao

[spilledmlk25]

ig saying this defeats the purpose

why is being confident so hard

[spilledmlk25]

why is being confident so hard

[spilledmlk25]

do i hate myself or am i about to be on my period

[spilledmlk25]

list for tmmw:

- wake up at 7:00

- make coffee

- get ready for hike

- check weather😭

- brush teeth and leave at 7:45

- get back at 9

- give liv car

- run a load of laundry

- take a shower and get ready for the day

- eat

- learn cage song

- put laundry in the dryer

- brush teeth and touch up

- go to work at 11

- get back at 3

- eat

- brush teeth and touch up

- chill for a moment🙏

- go to band rehearsal

- come home

- put load of laundry in the laundry basket

- wash face, brush teeth, but on bonnet