spilledthoughtsaf

[spilledthoughtsaf]

she's supposed to come the last weekend of september. since she has school she isn't sure if she can take any days off so it just might be for the weekend. and of course i want her to stay longer, but because it really might be the last this time. her sister in law had a baby and she's had baby fever so hard. and today she got her period and told me that she's been sad because that means she's not pregnant. and of course i just told her it'll happen when it's time. but i'm sad because she's really trying and if she really did get pregnant now, she definitely wouldn't come see me. i just figured that she'd come and then she'd get pregnant after and then i'd have to break it off. all her attention would be on being pregnant and then the baby. she has to stay late after school every day because david is coaching whatever sport. and since they go to school together, she has to stay until he's ready to leave. and then they leave late from school after practice and we just don't have time to talk at night anymore. just the weekends and i know weekends are her time for errands so really just the weekend nights. and i need more than that. i'm just feeling like it's time for me to tell myself that this is it. i want to tell her where my mind is, but would she be different when she's here. IF she even comes cause she's also trying to get her own house with david and needs to be saving money. i told her i'd pay for her to visit, even if i can't afford anything let alone a plane ticket. i need to see her again one last time, i don't care if i have to use my credit card and pay it off for the rest of time, i really think this is our last chance. i know she wants me to be happy but i don't think i can keep doing what we do if she wants to do everything she wants.

[spilledthoughtsaf]

her sister in law gave birth to their baby today, and all this baby excitement and lead up has just strengthened her baby fever. today she said that after she visits in September, she's gonna have a baby too. and I just know that means I won't ever see her again after she leaves. we're already not calling and talking as much as we used to. and I know we're both working and she's tired at the end of the day, and I'm trying not to ask for time together cause I know she hates to say no to me and I hate to put her in the position to say no. and so I just don't ask anymore. I've been trying to do more on my own. hang out with amy more. be okay with being alone more. and it sucks. I know I deserve better than just waiting around for whenever she's available. and for something that'll never happen anyway. I'm not good enough to marry. I can't give her a baby. I'm just not enough. she's already married to someone that can give her what she wants. I'm just a dead end.

I don't want to tell her that we need to talk after she visits. and I just can't have her not visit. I don't know if she'd let me have someone here and still have her. I don't want to be that "couple looking for a unicorn" person on tinder. I don't want to be on tinder.

feelings suck and I don't want to turn to weed again just to be able to laugh.

life is pretty shitty.

[spilledthoughtsaf]

there are days when we don't talk much and I trick myself into thinking that you don't love me anymore. and then you go and send me a video on snap of you and your cat referencing me as her future step mom

[spilledthoughtsaf]

What I wanted to say

I know you regret not talking to me more before your wedding. And how you didn’t want me to ask you if anything was wrong because you weren’t ready to talk about it with me cause you knew things would be weird after. Which it was when I mentioned how I wasn’t invited and I would’ve used it as an opportunity to get laid. I know it was just something stupid for me to say. To hide the fact that I was hurt that you were getting married so soon. To hide that I love you more than I should.

I can’t tell you that you shouldn’t feel regretful for putting me to the side so you could focus on your wedding. Because that’s the point and glory of our relationship isn’t it? We’re not even really together so you shouldn’t feel bad for putting attention to me on the back burner so that you can focus on your soon to be husband. And I can’t tell you this because I know that you’re going to say that I deserve more attention, deserve someone that is able to give me everything of them, deserve more than scraps. And I can’t tell you this because I don’t think I deserve anything. That I’m just lucky to even get the attention and love that you’re able to give me because I know that I’m lucky that you even do love me the way you do because you could have not pursued anything with me. You could have just kept to yourself and let nothing between us happen. Stick with your fiancé and we wouldn’t be anything. But you didn’t and you let yourself love me and let me love you and that’s why I’m lucky for your scraps of love. I know you are giving me everything you can. But I also know that it’s not everything because you need to give love to David. I don’t know how you love him and how it’s different to how you love me. That is something I want to ask but I don’t know how or if you’ll answer. And I don’t know if your answer will make me feel any better or not. So I keep that question to myself. I write it down here and bury it. But I know it’s still in the back of my mind when days like tonight come up. When we’re weird and don’t know what to say. And I know that you don’t love me as much as you love David because you wouldn’t marry me. And you wouldn’t leave him for me.

[spilledthoughtsaf]

So her wedding was last Monday. I told her that I wanted to know about it and talk about stuff like her dress and flowers and food, and she was hesitant with stuff at first but I told her I wanted to know. So she gave me little things like how her flower arrangements looked, which arrangement was for her girls, and how the things that they put on the guys all wilted cause she didn’t store them correctly. She showed me the dress when she first went to try it on, and the cupcakes that she picked and the other food she picked for the dinner. Sometimes it was hard to hear, but I didn’t let her know because her talking to me about everything helped her relax about whatever she was stressing about, so I was able to help in some way. I know she was so excited about everything and then things kept not going how she wanted it, like her brother and sister in law not being able to come. So the night before when we said our goodnights, I fell asleep first and she was still up cleaning up all the flowers and stuff because they were leaving that airbnb the next day. I wished for her wedding to be everything she wanted, and when she said goodnight she thanked me for being so sweet.

The next couple days we had scarce messages because they’re driving back down from Washington to California and they are taking their time visiting places along the way. But I know she messaged me when she could. We talk just like normal, like before, like she didn’t just get married. She gets drunk at wherever they stop for the night and messages me all the sweet loving things that you message when you’re drunk.

Yesterday her photographer sent her some sneak peeks of some photos and she sent me a picture of her in her dress when she’s all dressed up and ready. And then another with just her in front of the giant castle place they were at. and there was one with her and a bridesmaid which was weird because she had this giant full smile and she just didn’t look like herself. But then I realized that it didn’t look like her because she’s never smiled like that with me?

She won’t be back home until Sunday. But she’s on summer break so she won’t be working and she’s already asked if we can watch stuff together when she gets back. So basically business as usual when she gets back. Just now she’s married.

[spilledthoughtsaf]

I hurt her by saying I'd take any scrap of love she'd give me. and that made her think that I think the love she gives me is just scraps, the crumbs, the leftovers. when she thinks the love she gives me is all she can in the circumstance. and that's the thing, it's our circumstance. she can't give me all of her love all of the time. she needs some time to spend with David, or her family. and of course I get it, and I'm okay with it. but she's not okay with me being over with just what she can give me because she says I deserve more. and maybe I do, but I just don't want to spend the time getting to know someone new. I don't want to open to anyone new. I don't even want to open to someone old that's reached out.

I thought about asking if we should take a break while she's getting ready for her wedding. but I've helped her with some of the stresses that she's had with it and I want to be able to help her. but I know I can't ask her things like to show me her wedding dress or where she's going for her honeymoon. but yeah I guess she can send me her flower arrangements to see if I see anything off. or talk to me while she's getting her hair done.

I don't know

[spilledthoughtsaf]

it's been hard lately because she's been so busy getting ready for her wedding on Monday.

[spilledthoughtsaf]

one time she asked if me loving her too much was a bad thing. and of course I said no because she would pull away if she knew just how much it's gonna hurt to lose her. but now I think I do love her too much. now I catch myself thinking, is this why you wouldn't marry me. is this why I'm not good enough for you.

she once asked if I ever thought we were just a summer fling. and it was well past the summer so of course I said no. but now that we're both back to working and spending less time together, were we just a quarantine thing?

I don't know when her wedding is. but I don't know if I can still do what we do after she's married to him. sometimes I think, if im not good enough for her to not marry him, then what's the point.

her word, borrowed, still burns a spot in my head no matter how much she wishes she could take it out. it's there and planted roots of doubt. and those roots are just sucking the happiness out of me.

I'm so tired

[spilledthoughtsaf]

I have too much time to myself and I'm thinking too much.

[spilledthoughtsaf]

i haven't been asking her for any baby time or to watch a movie or anything really since then. i figured if i don't ask for anything then there's no way to let me down, right?

she hasn't said anything yet and i guess she's been busy but i don't want her to think that me not asking for anything is me pulling away from her. i just feel like i've come to the conclusion that i shouldn't be waiting on her for anything and relying on her to fill my day because time and time again i'm just left waiting and disappointed.

she mentioned today that i deserve so much more but is she referencing when she thought that there's someone better for me than her. when she knows that i don't want that. it's these times when i want to know more about her and david. just how much more does she love him over me. how does he treat her. how can i be better than him. i want to tell her exactly how i'm better than him but i can't because i really don't know anything about him. and then if we did talk about him, would i even be better than him. could i even offer anything better than him. and then i remember that i don't really have anything to offer her. i can't buy a house with her. i think her dog is kind of annoying. and i'd marry her if she wanted me to, but i don't really want to get married.

i'm tired and that want of breakfast food for a midnight snack feeling that i used to have with sam is back. and she knows what that means. but god am i craving hash browns.

[spilledthoughtsaf]

that nagging feeling that i'm just waiting for nothing has come to haunt me again. when we don't have a night together or talk much i just get too sad and in my head that she doesn't want to spend time with me or that her actual life is happening so she has no time for me. so last night when i suddenly felt sick and ended our night early, in addition to her getting out of work early today, i thought the extra time in the afternoon would make everything okay, i even started work a little early so that i could finish early and have more time together. but she had a frustrating day at school and was tired and wanted to take a nap, which i understood and told her to take a nap, and i just waited. and her dogs woke her up and she woke up with a headache so she tried to sleep a little more and i waited again. and then she woke up and her dad was talking to her and they ate and i still waited. and i knew we weren't going to have our time and i got sad about it. so i answered shortly even when i tried not to. because she's not mine and she has her own life. so i can't be upset when she does other stuff over me.

i'm upset that this is all i'll be able to have of her and i can't want more. she won't give me more. she's already drawn that line. this was something predetermined and agreed upon way back last year. when she told me that she was afraid that i would want more and she couldn't give it. when i told her that just having her in my life is enough. a lot has changed since then. just not that line.

[spilledthoughtsaf]

i asked her when she had silent tears while she was here. i knew she cried a couple times on the last day, but she said she cried other times. we talked about that and she mentioned when i hold her face and just look at her, she always thinks that i'll be looking and have a moment where i have the thought that i don't feel this way anymore. and that's so wild to me because when i do that, i'm actually thinking of how i could possibly be able to be looking at her like this and also how i should enjoy the moment. but then that leads me down the train of thought that she'll be leaving and how she wouldn't pick me.

i told her i get scared and sad because i would know that she'd be leaving soon. but i couldn't tell her that i'm scared because i'm not good enough for her and that i don't want to lose her. because i know that if i tell her what i'm scared about, she'll be too afraid to hurt me and then not know how to act and we'll just get weird and then i'll lose her anyway. and she's not even mine to begin with.

[spilledthoughtsaf]

she left today, i cried after i dropped her off and then again when i got home and saw the clothes she left on my bed that she borrowed to sleep in and laying in bed next to her empty spot.

we honestly just stayed in bed, only to leave to get food and just enjoyed each other's company, playing games and watching movies. we laughed so much and we were so silly, it was a great time.

[spilledthoughtsaf]

i am numb and speechless. she has a way of being a wrecking ball to my fragile sense of life. i have a weakness towards her because i shared her hurt. she shared my hurt. we were a train on fire heading straight for a cliff.

and yet. even though i have mostly bad memories from her, i cannot let her go. she comes into my mind and i need to check on her to make sure she's still alive. and after all this time she apologizes and thanks me. when i really want to take my thank you to her back. she doesn't deserve it. she may have ran with me in my void and made me not feel alone for a while, but the wake that she caused to my life is something she should not be thanked for.

would i have a peace of mind if i knew she was okay but didn't let her back into my life beyond just knowing that? i mean when i do check on her, it does put her out of my mind for a while until something happens and reminds me, makes me think of her again.

was her message to me last year her reaching out, was she in need of me to cling onto and drag down again. i didn't have it in me to answer her at that time. and my heart sinking and the feeling of the blood draining from my face from seeing her update the document a couple months later has to mean that i am not ready for her to just be in my life in any degree.

i wish i could let her go. but i need her to be alive and we're both too stubborn to make any of this easier for either of us.

[spilledthoughtsaf]

too many thoughts

we were watching freaky friday and that scene where they had to go to the wedding rehearsal dinner instead of going to the house of blues for the gig i angrily asked, "what the fuck is a rehearsal dinner for anyway?!" and i know that's just my hatred towards weddings in general and i feel like she has her own reservations about weddings and her own wedding and i know it's just something we can't talk about.

sometimes i feel like she does that thing where if she has nothing nice to say or if something i say hurts her feelings, she just doesn't say anything and keeps it to herself. and i hate when she doesn't tell me things but of course i want to know if something i say or do upsets her or she doesn't like.

and then i hear amy and megan talking about taking the other's name and i'm just so tired of wedding shit and i'm tired of feeling anger just hearing about wedding shit.

what are we going to do after she gets married. is she still going to come here and fuck me and just go back to her husband like her bag of clothes doesn't smell of sex and just tell him she had a good time.

she comes in eight days and of course i'm excited. i got stuff coming to wrap and for her to open for her birthday and other stuff to do while she's here and i just can't wait to have her for five days. i honestly don't know how i'm going to be able to let her leave again especially since i can't go with her to her gate this time and i'm not going somewhere after to occupy myself, i'm just going back home to nothing.

[spilledthoughtsaf]

it's like she has another life and I'm just the second secret family she has on the side for the weekends. she had to run errands today so we were waiting till after when she was done to call, and its almost four and she still hasn't even done the errands cause she needed to wait for David to finish work for them to go. it's just annoying to wait all day for her cause we're waiting on him.

[spilledthoughtsaf]

her ticket is booked and at the end of the month I get her for five daysssss. all we talk about is how we'll being doing whatever together soon and asking plans to do stuff. when let's be real, we'll probably spend most of the time at home in my bed tangled up in each other

in other news, I've been having dreams and I can't remember what happened now but the feeling of her I can still definitely feel. why am I dreaming about her. why can't I shake her. why can't I just be done with her. she plagues me and im tired