spillingmymind

[spillingmymind]

Post therapy -

AA bro come on

I was gaslit, I was unsafe, but I fought back. It wasn’t a clear cut victim vs abuser dynamic like it was in the past. I need to be sober before I can dive into this. The 12 steps will work it in

text your friends

Just take a fucking job

nails to pay your way thru school?

But you gotta figure out how to say the shit you’re thinking!! Cried hard today though, didn’t want to have to walk back home, face my life here. The shit buried inside is so heavy.

[spillingmymind]

“therapists just tell people what they want to hear. It’s a matter of who can out manipulate. Can’t wait til you stop seeing someone so we can save money”

[spillingmymind]

bust my ass all day trying to give his kid a good birthday, try not to engage when he’s volatile so he calls me useless.

Gets enraged at me for putting his 4 yr old in a wagon.. says he’s raising real men and that it’s embarrassing.

There’s so many micro aggressions and arguments in one attempt at a family night out.

Then they literally encourage the kids to be around uncle Mike and completely blind side me

I bring it up to mom n she claims she was also blindsided, didn’t know he’d be there, heard that shit before. Next conversation she says I’m mean, it’s always that or I’m sensitive. Sorry I want you to care to protect me for a once?

[spillingmymind]

post therapy

go hike for your bday

I can’t believe I told her about attacking Kristin on Valentine’s Day.. I was shocked because Kristin gave in, stopped fighting back and started crying. There was more than just that night when she made me hit my head so hard I still had a headache for days..when she swung a 5 lb bag of ice at me or when she shoved in the bathroom.

Drugs & alcohol exasperate those violent capabilities in you. I also remember scratching her chest so hard it bled, throwing a chair at her. How could I ever feel deserving of a healthy loving partner with that history?

There was also the time I was throwing her shit out of my car and yelling at her while she cried on the side of the road. I stopped once a lady parked by us and pulled out her phone. But this was after Kristin strangled me while I was driving.

Katie said we all have those capabilities in us, but now I feel like I can’t identify with victims

“I wish I had someone it felt good to hug”

[spillingmymind]

still boiling with hate for Zack. funny he despises my dad when they’re the same person. Insecure, short tempered, unregulated, volatile addicts.

It’s impossible to set boundaries when I can’t trust how he treats the kids.

I give my mom more credit, my dad doesn’t do shit when I need help with the kids, but it’s probably for the best.

Zack & I just blow up on each other, act like it never happened then repeat

[spillingmymind]

…like duh she never loved you

[spillingmymind]

getting sober could be the good I’m building rn, could give purpose and progress to each day.

The kids deserve a sober guardian.

[spillingmymind]

I need to start getting the shit out I endured with Kristin. I don’t want to be afraid to listen to other survivors. I understand I don’t want to relive it and I want to forget but I have to process first. I have to feel safe to share it, to feel it. But damn idk where to even start. The fucked shit she said may be the hardest to recall. About how I made up my abuse so people feel bad for me and I always play the victim. How it was my fault that shit happened. How I don’t have any friends because I can’t communicate. She isolated me and flipped the script so well. Making me hate myself for when I would finally snap, painting me as abusive. It was always my fault.

Times she threatened to kill herself, waiving a gun

[spillingmymind]

Post therapy

I am my mom, drinking to survive abuse. I have to break the fucking cycle.

With Kristin, I’m trying to process and make sense of what happened.

I have to avoid Zack as much as possible.

Do the opposite of what you feel like doing.

Rehab? Outpatient? AA? That has happen first.

Lexapro

[spillingmymind]

Pre therapy

Unraveling, so much anger, grief

Been trying to communicate more but what comes out is often mean.

Towards Zack, I feel like I’m becoming his energy. For taking the house from me and still demanding more, being vengeful

For attacking mom and leaving me to wipe her tears

I’m just angry at the situation and hate that I’m here

Towards Kristin, hate seeing pictures of my old stuff that she didn’t let me keep or even sell. She had me believing my stuff was ugly, nothing uglier than her yet I still miss her and wonder if I’d be better off having never left. But I’m starting to cringe at pictures of her. I forgetting much of the abuse, perhaps I need to be processing it, avoiding less. That podcast talked about how powerfully fucked up it is to be strangled.. ya that was terrifying. So much happened on or right off the road.. her erratic driving to threaten me, roadside fights made public, chasing after her as she threw my things out the window. Her chasing me when I tried to leave, peeing my pants I was so scared

Ripping a huge ball of my hair out

[spillingmymind]

ur 80 yr old self gets to relive today.. wyd?

[spillingmymind]

the beauty you see in the world is a reflection of the beauty in yourself

[spillingmymind]

All I’ve ever wanted is to be free, doesn’t feel realistic

Not flattering aka I’m fat. Probably won’t sleep won’t workout so I just won’t eat

I refused the first drink but I was so sweaty, physical pain increasing, felt like I couldn’t think couldn’t talk couldn’t look people in the eye without them seeing I’m broken

Please get me out of this cycle. I can’t do it anymore

Want to hurt myself, want to go back to Kristin, but I won’t

[spillingmymind]

family is starting to crush me, makes me miss Kristin

Mom slapped my stomach said suck in n laughed

I hate it here

[spillingmymind]

So triggered by Zack, another person using and twisting me, draining me dry and still deeming me not good enough. I’m filled with anger frustration grief. Breaking me down just to wipe his shoes on. Taking all of me just to insult and criticize. I’m a fucking shell I beg at least for gratitude.

[spillingmymind]

Ribbons

Charms / beads

Jump rings

Glue

Gems

Grommets

[spillingmymind]

Hair chalk / paint

Freckle maker

Sunnys

Glasses

Ear cuffs