spillmygutzzz - Tumblr blog

[spillmygutzzz]

I don't like being alone rn and I don't know if listening to music is gonna help this time. I feel shakey and faintly nauseous and I feel like I need to cry but I can't get it out and I don't wanna fight for it if it's just a me issue

[spillmygutzzz]

Struggling to sleep, I keep hearing banging that's keeping me awake. Idk what's going on with that but it's unfortunately getting to me a little

[spillmygutzzz]

Sitting in the shower in the dark thinking abt everything

I just haven't been taking very good care of myself lately and I want to fix that. Lately I'm just always sick or feeling gross. I'm always exhausted it seems, no matter how much I sleep. I haven't been eating a whole lot. I'm constantly stressed or anxious abt something

I'm trying so hard but I'm really struggling and I need to ask for help but I feel defeated and embarrassed

I'm going to ask for help regardless tho, I know I need to do it and I feel safe to ask them for help

[spillmygutzzz]

Sitting here conflicted and trying to keep it together. If it were any other situation, I'd go to him and I'd just gut myself right there but I can't do that this time.

Maybe I've assumed something and made an idiot of myself but that doesn't change that I luv him- no it's not the same regard but it still means something, yeah? Idk

It kills me to see him like this knowing I can't just fix it. He thinks he's just this unlovable monster and I just wish for even a moment he could see thru my eyes. I wish he could see how kind and compassionate he is. He'll do anything for the ppl he luvs even if it tears him apart- even if it wears him down to nothing. Even when he barely knew me, he has always been there for me and I want to always be there for him.

All those things M has done just ring in my ears but I don't want to harp on it to everyone else. He's just done sm and after I defended him and said he was one of the few not being shit. He digs and pried at me for information on his partner that I wouldn't tell him. He claims he doesn't want to be seen as only wanting to talk to one person but how could anyone think anything but that when all he seems interested in talking abt is him or planning calls. That's what they all do, they only talk abt calls regarding him. It's frustrating. To cause a scene like that in front of someone u claimed to see as a friend but then make him feel like fking shit!? R u fking kidding me!?? To have the balls to bitch at me for how long it's been since u've talked to him as if I have control over that? As if I don't fking miss him too? As if it doesn't brutally rip out every vital organ I possess knowing its been weeks since I've heard from him and he's hurting and I can't fking fix it??? Saying u want me to talk to him becuz ur worried he's purposely staying away becuz he's lost feelings? God if I had a goddamn dollar for every time I've heard that yet u won't fking talk to him abt it. It's not fking fair to him. There's a fking difference between acknowledging it's unfair to think that and acknowledging it's unfair and then actually changing. Not just continously doing the same shit.

He's a goddamn person. He's compassionate and sweet and he'll do anything to help. He has a big heart that carries so much. He'd bleed himself dry if it'd help someone. I don't know how anyone could not care for him or luv him. He'll always have a place inside my heart. Even if there ever comes a time where he doesn't want me in his life, I will always hold a spot for him in my heart and I will always welcome him with open arms. I promised him I'd always be there for him and I meant it. For him to feel as if he needs to "prove" he's worth luv? He doesn't need to prove anything. He deserves luv.

U pry and pry and pry for anything abt him and u don't give him any personal space. U think I know what I know becuz I forced it out of him??? That's not how that works. He's fking worn down and tired and yet u can't find it in urself to be understanding over that. He's completely changed since dating u but u wouldn't know that. But I do. I know these things. I fking pay attention and I'm fking angry.

I put emphasis on him being my best friend. I notice when somethings wrong. He feels so deeply and he thinks its wrong but it isn't. He told me he feels more than he let's on, told me that a long time ago before we got closer and I always kept that in the back of my head becuz I knew that was a raw truth.

He told u he wanted to do something on his own and u still pressed and pushed to do it with him and then told me abt it after I had also told u he wanted to watch it alone. Telling me things he's told u as if I don't know but r u telling me just to tell me or to try and prove something? U get frustrated that he tells me things he won't tell u but have u ever thought for a second that instead of getting worked up over that, u should maybe give him time and space?

U sent me this long confession of feelings and nvr mentioned anything to him once. Were u going to tell him at all? U told Evan. Why not him? U claim he nvr tells u when he's ready to call when I knew for a fact that he tells u every little thing he does before calling to make sure that's okay and ur aware of everything. If it's such a problem then maybe u should fking say something. Oh wait. U don't. Instead u go to me abt it. For Christ's sake I couldn't tell u that I was getting to call him becuz I knew ud be all over that. U remind me how long its been since u called him but do u know how long it had been for me? I prioritized ur calls with him becuz that's all I hear abt from anyone over there regarding him and I wanted to make everyone happy.

I just dont know what to do anymore. I haven't even told him abt the feeling I got yet and I'm anxious to but I don't know when I'll get that opportunity but I'm scared to hurt him more than anything but I also don't want to keep it from him cuz it's starting to look like I was right.

But if he wants to see things thru, I won't stop him. I'm scared that call was the last one on one for a long time but it won't stop me from being there when he needs me. I care for him more than he'll ever know and I'm willing to wait for whenever I can talk to him again. I want him to be happy even if it means I'll be at a distance from him. It hurts thinking abt things going back to only hearing from him when he's talking to Michael with texts that have hours between them but at least I'll get to hear from him.

I'm so tired and I want to stop crying.

[spillmygutzzz]

Just one thing after another.

Every time one thing is figured out, something else is wrong. I don't know what to do anymore, he just keeps getting worse and he isn't trying.

I'm angry. I'm so fking angry.

My entire life, he would pump his body full of anything he could find, any liquor, beer, wine- as many cigarettes as he could light yet suddenly he can't handle putting in just a little effort to save what's left of his body and health.

I just can't stand how nothing is getting any better. It's been a year now.

[spillmygutzzz]

My hearing has been unusually good today and it's a pain. I used to bitch abt not having good hearing (which I *used* to have really good hearing) but now I'm bitching abt hearing too well. The bell that goes off for the front and back doors is piercing today and it nvr really used to be. I can hear these kids in the lobby as if they're 6 feet away from me.

When I think abt it, yesterday I had my headset extremely low while on the phone and I didn't realize till I tried to turn it *down*- mofo was already as low as it could go before it just turns all sound off.

I have a faint headache from how loud everything is, hurts my mf ears, man

[spillmygutzzz]

Had a draft in here that I deleted cuz it just??? Made no sense?? I can't remember typing it out but I was talking abt someone feeling extremely familiar in a strange way but I didn't feel like I knew how to bring it up to anyone

Wack shit, had a whole unfinished sentence so idk where that post was going but who knows if I'll figure it out cuz it looks like I most likely typed that out half awake ,':P

[spillmygutzzz]

It feels like my entire pelvic area is being stabbed multiple times with needles and it fuks up my nerves and makes me fall. My everything aches n I wanna go home

[spillmygutzzz]

Been trying to finish this damn drawing but it's taking forever and this man will not leave me be and I'm suddenly so damn stressed

[spillmygutzzz]

I feel like I'm going to explode and I don't know why and I wanna figure out who's angry but Idk if I should. I'm just sitting here shaking. I feel like I'm missing something important

[spillmygutzzz]

Feels like I just got rocked in the chest holy shit I couldn't breathe for a second

[spillmygutzzz]

The wind just got knocked outta me holy fukkkkk

[spillmygutzzz]

I have to be careful what I say to Evan rn becuz someone else's emotions r abt to make me snap at him and I'm struggling to respond without getting shitty

[spillmygutzzz]

Idk where else to put this crap but I have such a bad feeling. I hate how convoluted it's become and I'm? Angry? I don't think this is entirely my feelings but I'm angry and frustrated.

I hate seeing him upset. I care sm abt him and it guts me to see him so upset- reasonably upset. I hope he knows he can talk to me abt it. I don't want him to think he can't just becuz I'm also dating Evan.

I don't know what's exactly going on, I'm only getting pieces of the situation so I don't know what exactly to do. I feel like I'm going to cry and scream at once and I don't think it's all me feeling this.

I'm worried he's going to push away from me after this and I'm terrified of losing him. I just wish I could physically be there for him.

[spillmygutzzz]

I can't shake this anxious feeling and I can't pin point it. Idk if I'm either feeling someone else's worries or I'm having one of those "all knowing" feelings that r like a warning. Wack shit.

[spillmygutzzz]

My everything hurts sm todayyyyy I feel like my body is decayinggggggg >:[[[[

[spillmygutzzz]

Istfg I'm gonna paint the walls with my brain matter

He texts me and asks me to wash the syringes and feed him. I said yes. (Apparently mom left all of the syringes and measuring containers dirty.)

I wash them

I get all 4 syringes ready and walk in there

He. Is. Fking. Sleeping.

He fking rolled over and took a nap while I was washing the syringes. He could fking hear me washing everything. I'm so pissed

I'm stressed becuz he needs to fking eat, he has been rapidly losing weight. It's up to mom n I to make sure he eats cuz he can't do it himself (it's hard to make the syringes and he's extremely weak)

I'm just so annoyed and frustrated and stressed