spinechlls

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Cemetery deer.

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"came back wrong" what about Came Back Afraid. You used to be brave. Too brave maybe, defying the odds at every turn, a fighter, cocky, playing with fire, first to throw yourself at the enemy. Until one day it all caught up to you. You came back, somehow, but now you know all too intimately how it feels to lose, to die, to be destroyed. Now you flinch and freeze and cower at the slightest provocation. Who even are you now if you can't be brave? The grave may have let you go, but the mortal fear still grips you tighter than ever.

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@coastercruushed

this drama is too real

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⚠️THIS BITCH IS A BITE RISK⚠️

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@coastercruushed

go white boy goooo

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“i am a restless soul, longing for the rain that never comes.”

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happy trans day of visibility to my lgbtq+ siblings across the world. this will always be a safe place for you all. take care of yourself today and know that you are loved. i am happy each and every single one of you are here. ♡ 

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spinechlls <- rvnawaytrain

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I need to update Doe's lore, and probably the URL because Doe IS Sassy from the Lost Tapes & Spine Chill/Scaredy Cat IS her perk

Lore-wise, "Sassy," much like "Blue Jeans," was a nickname attributed to Doe in passing by a long-gone group of strangers survivors she once crossed paths with and tried to help.

They're long gone, faces forgotten, and the memories faded from Doe's memories. But the Tapes, in their tangible, incorruptible state, remain, fogged by the Entity's aura but legible nonetheless, and she is a ghost out of time on them.

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FETCH THE BOLT CUTTERS

starters taken from lyrics from the album fetch the bolt cutters by fiona apple.

i've waited many years.

nobody can replace anybody else.

i'm ashamed of what it did to me.

i used my feet to crush dead leaves like they had fallen from trees just for me, just to be crash cymbals.

i too used to want them to be proud of me.

why did you take it all away?

whatever you do, it's gonna be wrong.

by that time, i hope that you love me.

when i learned what they did, i felt close to you.

it wasn't because i was bored.

i was just so furious, but i couldn't show you.

you've got to get what you want how you want it, but so do i.

i resent you for being raised right.

don't get rid of it, you'd look good in it.

if i don't wanna go, leave me alone.

(name) told me they'd describe me as pissed off, funny, and warm.

i've been in here too long.

you get dragged down to the same spot enough times in a row, the bottom begins to feel like the only safe place that you know.

i did nothing wrong.

i'm alone on the summit now, trying not to let my light go out.

i would beg to disagree, but begging disagrees with me.

you love me.

i grew with you, and now i've changed.

in my own way, i fell in love with you.

i know how to spend my time.

they said i had potential.

it's the only reason i gave my time to you.

why did you not want to try?

i only like the way i look when looking through your eyes.

i resent you for never getting any opposition at all.

you maim when you're on offense, but you kill when you're on defense.

don't you push me.

i know that none of this will matter in the long run, but i know a sound is still a sound around no one.

how do you suppose we'll survive?

we're the only ones who know.

i don't want a war with you, i won't afford it.

i don't know if i'm coming across, but i'm really trying.

i see that you keep trying to bait me.

up until now in a rush to prove, but now i only move to move.

you know you won't like it when there's nothing to do.

i don't believe it.

i got the idea i wasn't real.

you know that it didn't go exactly like that.

while i'm in this body, i want somebody to want.

a smile always seemed rehearsed.

no love is like any other love.

i resent you for having each other.

i listened because i hadn't found my own voice yet, so all i could hear was the noise that people make when they don't know shit - but i didn't know that yet.

i'm sorry.

what i've become is something i can't be without your loving.

i told you i didn't wanna go to this dinner.

i want what i want.

i watch them walk over, talk over you, be mean to you.

they don't know what they are in for and they don't care.

i'm a good man in a storm.

you were so high.

i've been sucking it in for so long that i'm busting at the seams.

you've got them all convinced that you're the means and the end.

i want you to love me.

i wonder what lies they're telling you about me.

they weren't gentle and they weren't my friend, but they got through to me.

i grew up in the shoes they told me i could fill.

meanwhile i'm loving you so much.

ah, fuck.

kick me under the table all you want, i won't shut up.

i know that you do.

i've been used so many times.

i've been used so many times, i've learned to use myself in kind.

i resent you presenting your life like a fucking propaganda brochure.

we don't have to go back to where we've been.

people like us get so heavy and so lost sometimes, so lost and so heavy that the bottom is the only place we can find.

i know you and i know what you can do.

it's not what it's supposed to do.

i wasn't afraid of the bullies, and that just made the bullies worse.

i am the person who wants you to win.

well, good morning.

i can't do either well, but oh well.

evil is a relay sport.

back then i didn't know what potential meant.

if i get there in the long run, it could be alright.

i've always been too smart for that.

i've always been too smart for that, but you know what? my heart was not.

i just wanted to make amends.

i've been waiting, waiting for you to love me.

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I WANT TO SAY: I think the most fascinating dynamic, I want to explore at some point, is other survivors/people-in-general misunderstanding Doe's aura and her knowledge of the Entity/The Supernatural bullshittery she's adjacent to.

No one could fault someone for viewing her and her refined survival and evasion skills as some kind of shield, expert status, or repellent when she's really anything but!

Doe is more like a Roguelike Protagonist than an expert. She dies and comes back, fighting in a new way, a new path, and ultimately dying again but learning a little bit more every time. She has no great power in the TANGIBLE supernatural respect; she's not The Nurse. Her dull, utterly human power is persistence and a dogged will to survive this time. And that works for her! It's how her soul and her will haven't faded to the Entity's grasp over the ages she's been running through the fog!

It's just that—with all of this said—when people don't realize the pattern of life and death and learning through the destruction that she goes by, it can be a real letdown and breakdown agent to realize your 'trump card' against the beast is half-of-a-whole-idiot who simply runs the Hampster course enough to have some familiarity with the bends and curves but no exact science she can pass down. She'll die, they'll die, she isn't saving ANYONE here. That's not how this works. Just... try to keep up and maybe you'll get out of this together! Maybe!

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Had this thought last night, but even though Doe CAN befriend killers in the fog (especially between matches) they won't last when the Fog starts to fall and especially in life after it.

THAT entire dynamic (of friendship in the Fog) finds it's crux in the inconsequential and utterly cyclical nature of the fog. Doe can't find herself feeling that enormous fear around dying and rejection via. murder when it's inevitable in principle and occasionally the only respite from the painful but miserably non-fatal wounds inflicted in trials (Entity isn't kind enough to heal them between trials)

Death isn't a deterrent, and neither is maiming, it happens every couple of hours or so if she's lucky, if not, then every thirty minutes like the worst day job humanly imaginable. And with THAT out of the way, Doe's curiosity can come through, maybe she wants to know the deal behind the people that are brutalizing her in every way imaginable! Or maybe she just wants them to provide her entertainment, it's hard to tell one from the other. REGARDLESS, that's the dynamic at play IN THE FOG, and it leads to some very close friendships! Doe & Wraith, Doe & Spirit, Doe & Trapper, just to name a few!

BUT POST-FOG? Or ESCAPING the Fog? It's a deeply painful 180 backwards in the friendship, the understanding and trust established.

Doe can die for real this time, she can feel the mortality returned for the first time in forever, and that makes any trust for the killers she had go straight out the window. Doe doesn't want to die, it's been her entire motivation for what felt like decades now, and she's so close. So close to being free. So close to starting again. So close to LIFE, real LIFE. She's not playing anymore, they aren't special anymore, I mean, were they ever? They're killers, they kill HER, she understood that role in the trials, but even when the realm is falling apart or in ruins, how much of that has really changed? She's not willing to be the frog that trusted the scorpion on their nature and she's not willing to let them drag her back to die with the Entity.

It's absolutely a little personal too: does she hate them? Not really, Doe doesn't simply forget about the shared time, laughs and conversation. You can be her friend, her brother/sister, but it doesn't absolve their nature or their crimes, especially when their understanding has been thrown to the air like a flipped monopoly board. Doe is also traumatized, traumatized BECAUSE of them. It's not entirely their fault, but she does hold them responsible for their fair share of it.

Post-Fog is interesting too, I think she does 'abandon' them to differing levels based on their Fog-bond and the trauma Doe feels associated with them.

Philip and Evan are visited infrequently and Doe has kept in contact with them through snail mail until she could bring herself to see them in person again, and after that she was... pretty hesitant to let them meet her children (they do eventually and Phil & Evan would die and kill for their beloved niblings from her) Rin hears of Doe through Phil but she doesn't hang out with her anymore, the shitsters have mostly disbanded except through their connection with Phil. But like, Ghostface, Legion, Michael, SALLY. Doe doesn't stay in any form of contact with them, she would never WANT to, but she keeps tabs distantly, knows the area they're living now, what they've been up to, if only to protect herself and her family and ensure that her doorway is never darkened by their masks again.

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@roach-works // Melissa Broder, "Problem Area" // Mary Oliver, "The Return" // @annavonsyfert // Koyoharu Gotouge, Demon Slayer // Haruki Murakami, Dance Dance Dance // David Levithan, How They Met and Other Stories // Tennessee Williams, Notebooks

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While I don't write Doe as having any kinds of CHEMICAL dependencies, I do consider and regard her psychological need to run away, escape structure (for better but mostly worse) and swap out names/identity and truth to be a PSYCHOLOGICAL dependency, one that could only begin to be helped once she's stabilized on medication, because its root source IS in her battles with mental illness.