spirals-in-the-notes-app

[spirals-in-the-notes-app]

09/21/2024 - Milo

To be honest I don’t know what’s going on. I don’t know why my love life has never felt like something I can figure out. I've spent so much of my life caring for so many people that never seemed to care for me the same way. But finally, I think I've found someone who sees me. Being with her feels fun and light and easy, I never thought I was someone who wanted something easy because tough love is so often romanticized. Love that you have to fight for. But what if I don't want to fight. Amy was an unexpected surprise and I'm grateful for her. But there is a part of me that isn't letting me give myself to her for some reason. 

We could hear the loud bass of some frat dude Spotify playlist playing halfway down the block. Callum’s house is Always packed on the 3rd Saturday of every month. I know that because somehow Eliza always drags me to these things.

(Image from Pinterest)

Don’t get me wrong, we always make it fun, but today was different though because I knew that Amy was going to be there. I only started seeing Amy about four weeks ago but she's fun. She's pretty and kind and I can tell she really likes me. The second we got into the backyard I saw her and walked up to give her a hug. She smells good, like flowers sort of. Eliza immediately starts making conversation with people at the party that I recognize as people always here on Saturdays. Eliza is somebody that never seems to have a problem connecting with people, it's one of the things I love most about her. Eliza is one of my favourite people on this planet. There isn’t a lot I wouldn’t do for her. Which is also why, when she tells me that she's leaving the party early, I insist on going with her. She never leaves early. Something is wrong but I can't tell what it is when I look at her, and God forbid she's not going to tell me. I tell Amy quickly that I'm going home with Eliza to make sure she's ok, and we head out the door. When we got back, I put on Modern Family because it's our favorite show and we watched it for a while until she fell asleep. But when her head hit my shoulder and I was able to actually look at her for a few minutes, something felt different. Familiar. 

I guess I should give you context on Eliza. I used to be in love with her. And if I’m being completely honest, I don’t know that I ever stopped. Fuck. Am I a terrible person? I knew the day that I met her that I thought she was one of the coolest people I had ever met, and we have been pretty much inseparable since.

(Image from Pinterest)

She knows pretty much everything about me. Except for this. And she can never know, because she is one of the best things I have, and I can’t afford to lose her. Maybe I’m a terrible person.

Milo's Playlist:

[spirals-in-the-notes-app]

09/21/2024 - Amy

How do you know if your relationship is toxic? I thought after going through all of the therapy and hard work after dating Callum for two years, and finally realizing how unhealthy our interaction was, that I would be able to spot another toxic cycle with ease. Maybe I am just traumatized. PTSD or something? Because Milo is great, he really is. Whenever we are together, I feel like I can take a breath. Maybe this is what it is supposed to feel like? There are so many parts of me that he just gets, and for once I feel like I can let go a little bit when I'm around him. Don't get me wrong I'm not obsessed with him or anything. We've only been going out for the past four weeks but it's something that is new and exciting and feels different than what I'm used to. 

(Image from Pinterest)

Callum and I are still friends, thank God. I don't know if I can imagine my life without Callum in it, regardless of if we're together or not. So much of my life was spent thinking about him and understanding him as a person, that comfort doesn't just go away the second you decide that maybe your relationship isn't the healthiest. Moral of the story, I went to his house for the party he insists has to happen every month. It is fun, don’t get me wrong. Usually, I just float around and chat with a few new people, but this time I see Milo walk through the back gate and I didn’t think I had ever been happier standing in Callum’s backyard (LOL). The music was blasting, Milo was being his goofy, flirty self, and his friends were chatting with party regulars. I had never felt more on top of my shit. Also, whoever was DJing knew what they were doing because they were pushing iconic hits. The night was basically perfect, until 12:30pm. 

I've gotten to know the spunky brown-haired girl who always seems to linger around Milo as Eliza. I generally consider myself pretty easy-going, and I have absolutely no reason to not like Eliza. In fact, every time I've talked to her she seems like a perfectly normal and genuinely nice human. And I never thought I would be the type of girl who had a problem with her boyfriend’s best friend. But when Milo told me he needed to go home with Eliza, I felt completely and utterly gutted when the word “ok” left my lips. Was she too drunk? Was she sick? Didn’t look like it. So why did he have to go with her.  The way he looks at her should have been enough. But it was in the subtle and quick look of unease on Eliza’s face as they turned and walked away. He loves her. 

(Image from Pinterest)

Amy's Playlist:

[spirals-in-the-notes-app]

09/21/2024 - Eliza

I’m in love with my best friend. Fuck. I feel like I’m losing my mind. He loves someone else. Am I a terrible person? 

We could hear the loud bass of whatever Spotify college playlist was playing a mile away. Callum’s house is one of those house’s that feels so college, it is actually comedic. He knows it too, which I guess is why he hosts the same party every month. Our whole friend group got to the house at the same time, and Milo and I are chatting like normal, walking down the pathway towards the backyard. The music was loud which started drowning out our conversation, except it ended up being cut short anyways the second we got through the gate because, of course, Amy is the first person we see. Milo made a beeline for her and ended up drifting away from the rest of us, which was weird but expected, I guess. Amy is a…relatively new person in Milo’s life. I have no reason to be upset but the empty feeling that swept through me the second he left me for her was unbearable. I decided about two hours in watching Amy and Milo snuggle up together throughout the house that I wanted to leave. Milo caught me walking out and instead of staying with his new girlfriend like he probably should have, he didn't want me going home by myself and went with me. No hesitation. We watched Modern Family for a bit and I fell asleep. All totally normal activity for us, but I think my internal crisis really started when I woke up on his shoulder and didn’t hate it. Fuck. 

(Image from Pinterest)

I guess this story is kind of pointless without context on Milo and I’s relationship. I have always had a deep-rooted suspicion that we were platonic soulmates, but I don't know why it took me so long to realize that I was just in love with him. It doesn’t matter though, because now, I get to watch him and Amy from afar. Lovely. 

You’d think that feelings would go away seeing the person you love be in love with someone else, but I guess not all of us are that lucky. And let me be very clear, I am not the vindictive type. All I want is for Milo to be happy, as cliché as that sounds. Even if it isn't with me, I guess. But the extra fucked up thing is that I know he loves me too. He’s not very direct, but I know it in the music he plays for me, the way he teases me, the lingering touches that last too long and are just a little bit too intimate for comfort.

(Image from Pinterest)

Sometimes I just wished I hated him more, enough that I could villainize him and stop feeling like this. But I can’t. He has never given me one single reason to not trust him. I am not the type of person to ever impose myself on someone else’s life, especially when their happiness is at stake, but a tiny, small, selfish little part of me deep down wishes he would drop everything and come back to me. Maybe I am a terrible person.

Eliza’s Playlist: