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I can’t use the scale. I know I’ve gained weight. I know I’ve been overeating on junk. I am horrible and disgusting. 

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Today we're having a big family dinner to celebrate my birthday. I hate this. I hate that I have work the next 3 days so I'll have to eat. I feel so fucking fat and dumb and useless. I just hold onto the idea that once I've saved up enough money I can move out, be independent, get to my GW and everything will be alright.

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honestly the prospect of thinspo text posts pisses me off a lot especially those “uwu stay safe lovelies!!!!!!” or “everyone WILL love you when you let yourself become a walking stick :)” i get it, you want to be positive and all that shit but

we all know these are lies deep inside. when we get sickly thin people wont look at us with envy. they will look with concern, disgust, shock. we will look at ourselves with disgust. everything will be bad.

theres no way for us to stay safe. we are fucking ill.

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I'm back

Haven't been on here forever, just gonna use this blog for personal motivation and venting.

I went from my LW of 42.9 kg to basically 45, and I fucking hate myself for it. I started working at a warehouse 2 months ago, which is physically very demanding. I changed from working full time to 3 days a week, then I have classes on Thursday nights and the rest of the time I want to work on my Etsy shop for antique jewelry.

I really need to lose weight again, but I can't be too weak to work at the warehouse for the next 3-4 months. I just can't fucking wait for the day I move out and have 100% control over food and exercise and my body.

I did okay getting back into restricting yesterday, until I ate 2 fucking sandwiches at night. Right now it's almost 11 am, I had a coffee with oat milk (20) and now I have green tea (with mint and ginger for my sensitive tummy). I'm hungry, but I feel like I can resist for a while. Also, I got a peach flavored seltzer which is delicious, so I'm gonna be okay. The weather sucks, but I should go for a walk today.

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I love doing my thing while someone else is in the room doing their thing. Like if you come over and you want to sit by the window and read while I sit on the floor drawing something and listening to a cd that would be very nice.

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Me: *eats a salad and half of a lentil burguer*

Ana: Do you think a skinny girl would eat that?

Me: Um, yes, actually, because it’s a heal-

Ana: No, because skinny girls don’t eat.

Me: What the-

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I haven’t posted on here in forever

Doesn’t matter though. This is gonna be a rant.

I gained a little bit of weight, then got down to almost my LW. That’s just as far as I can tell, since the scale is still in the living room so I have to sneak around, and I also just haven’t been feeling like weighing myself. I feel so huge, so fat, so fucking disgusting. I need to lose more, but I’ve gotten lazy and greedy. I need to work on my damn discipline. I hate to admit this, but I feel like I’ve been underestimating calories (that thought makes me want to puke), so now I’m going to overestimate. I need to get my steps in, squats, sit ups, leg lifts, bike rides. 

I got up really early this morning and for some ungodly reason ate leftover teriyaki stir fry w/ brown rice (it was oil free, but it had some peanut butter and hemp seeds). The worst thing was that a little later I got hungry again. Makes me feel sooo fucking guilty to feel hungry after eating.. especially when I shouldn’t have eaten in the first place. I feel so gross and guilty. 

Anyway, I have to get out of this bedroom in a couple hours. My own bedroom is disgusting and filled with spiders, so I’ve generally been staying in the guest room. But now a friend of my parents is staying over this weekend so I have to get all my shit out here. I’m probably gonna stay at my parent’s weird little office in town, cause it’s either that or my mom’s shed in the community garden. 

So. Gonna have my 2nd coffee in a bit, then I’ll clean up and pack up my shit. This afternoon my dad’s taking me to the office, and from there I’ll go into town and get some weed, gin and food. I really hope I’ll be comfortable in the office, it’s all old and stuffy. I think I’m just gonna play the Sims the whole time and get realllly fucked up. 

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MOOD SWINGS

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saaame.

I get so jealous when I look at all those thin 12 years olds….

I am aware that I can’t compare myself to them but it’s more the fact that I was much chubbier with 12 and felt so shitty about myself that I literally developed an eating disorder

It’s just so fucking sad

I’m 19 now and still not over the same goddamn issues I had years ago

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plan for today

nothing is certain.

- s-s-soy lattes all day long

- dinner w/ family (it’s gonna be tomato soup w/ salad)

- binge on any combination of the following things

      - salty popcorn

      - vegan ice cream (Ben & Jerry’s, mango sorbet, coconut vanilla)

      - Nakd bars or other energy bars

      - oats w/ apple and date molasses

      - PB & apple

      - PB & jam sandwich

      - pumpkin hummus & veggies

I CAN’T CHOOSE YET

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yay, I went for a run. My stamina is awful so it was only 6 minutes, but that’s still 50 calories burned according to Google Fit. That’ll compensate like 2 or 3 soy lattes to get me through the day :3

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today

today idk. I’ve got to work on my project I guess. And get some exercise. Drink water, coffee, tea. Shower. Avoid people. Stay in my shitty stinky room (there’s a SMELL now) until the sun goes down and I get to binge. Shit’s totally not depressing.

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fat worthless biiitch. i’ll never make anything of my life

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Why do all my feelings translate into me feeling fat?