spnnmp-blog

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Sustainability and Project Evaluation

Due to the project changing, my outgoings in the end was very minimal. All production gear was already owned or rented for free from the university, no travel was needed, post production was done at home with the equipment I had. the only real expenditure was the actor and the tools needed to properly display my work. I paid my actor £40 for the 7 and a half hours he worked over the 2 days. I originally quoted for food and travel expenses but after I totalled it up, I rounded it up due to how patient and considerate he was. The other expense was (like I said) the tools needed to properly show the film in a exhibition setting. I spent £64.97 at Argos for a wall mounting bracket for my TV (£29.99) and for two pairs of headphones(34.98) which was the bulk of my expenditure. I then bought hooks for the headphones to rest on which were on sale for £1.34 each and a headphone splitter for £3.99 - both of which from Clas Ohlson. 

Final expenditure:

£40.00

£64.97

£2.68

£3.99

---------

£111.64

This was minuscule to the amount I originally imagined for this project. From the get go I was looking at £400+ for the speakers. In the future if I want something like this, some specialist equipment, i’m going to look into external funding and sponsorship. Of course after leaving university any gear I want to rent out will have to be paid for too so renting out lenses, cameras and lights for different projects would have to come into consideration but I was blessed to have anything I needed for this project gear wise be offered to me for free. 

Time Management 

Time management is always my biggest downfall. I often get too hung up on one aspect of the project (the issue with renting out the speakers) that I neglect all other aspects of the project until I get overwhelmed. In doing this i also forget to explore other options and ways around issues and instead continually hammer away at the one idea that’s in my head. It is hard then not to let myself slip and avoid dealing with any of the issues because in doing so makes me feel anxious. Which in itself is a trait of my depression. I’m not using my illness as an excuse here, I’m just trying to emphasis that I’m trying to learn how to combat these feelings and symptoms. One way of doing that that worked for me is to admit when we are wrong, admit when we do need help and to speak out at these times. It’s no downfall of your own, everyone has to do it at some point. My lecturers were very kind to me in the last few weeks pulling me out of the rut and to make me see the options that I did still have. I originally quoted till the end of March for the script writing (choosing and finalising my poetry) which was successfully achieved but from there on I lost my way and when production was supposed to have finished (in the middle of May), I was just beginning to think about it again. I always do need pressure to work effectively, I can be given all the time in the world and I will just pick at it right until I need to get it done. Which again, is something I’m continually trying to develop into a more healthy process.

Evaluation  

I am however incredibly proud of what I have managed to produce. Technically it’s sound but conceptually it makes me proud to have come so far. In second year, when I finally went into university and told my tutor at the time about my depression and the causes of it, her only response was “have you thought about making it into a project?” At the time this was definitely not what i wanted to hear and it made me loose all faith in the university, myself, my craft and the future in this field. Slowly, I have come to terms with it and it’s a nice achievement to finally be able to speak relatively openly about this subject and to put energy into creating something from it. 

Although the project has changed a lot since it’s first conception, I think it has lived up to the ideas and themes that I set out in the beginning. The exploration of different points of view on depression is still there, it’s brought across more subtly rather than in a physical manifestation of the idea. I would have loved to be able to present the work as imagined (as a installation piece or so) but as Matt said “you’re not showing this at the Tate!” Yes there would have been a time and a place to follow on these ambitions but with no funding and only a couple of months to fit everything in, the final university project is maybe not the place to do it. 

Like I’ve mentioned, there are technical issues that could have been resolved given more time and (as I originally timetabled) dates for reshoots but sadly I had to work with what I had. The audio is the main culprit of this. The hiss over the audio is undesirable and i’ve worked around it but in a n ideal world, I would have gotten a better pre amp and a better microphone and re-shot. Another plan could have been to re-record the audio after filming by overdubbing a track recorded in the recording studio, having the actor read along to the video. But again, this is a minor issue in the grand scheme of things. I would have also liked to have been able to project the work as I love the aesthetic but the monitor is a good compromise on this matter too. 

I set out to throw myself into this project as it was my final project at university, and I think I have achieved that. I’ve broadened my knowledge so much through this project about lighting, pre production, ways of displaying moving image and audio but also about myself and my illness. 

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Render and Delivery

My next task was to find a render setting that was the best quality for my monitor. Because I was using a USB connected to a TV, the settings would differ from a normal internet upload. I was unable to use the H.264 codec setting as my TV does not support this codec MP4, instead after some research I tried the .MOV settings, rendering on the 1080p pre set. Using the .MOV file type (even after upping the quality and maximum bit rates) gave quite a poor image quality when stretched out to my 42″ monitor, it also seamed to have interlaced artifacts such as strange bars appearing during movement and blurring edges. 

Each time I tested, the clip was either poor quality or un supported by my TV. After several different attempts at rendering small clips to save time, I decided to go back to the standard .MP4 presets and to try that one again, the YouTube 1080 surprisingly worked and looked incredibly good when up on my monitor. I then went into this pre set and altered the settings to maximise the quality for my TV.

These were my final output settings. Rendering at maximum quality, progressive field order and at a higher bit rate (8Mbps being the standard) for the most quality. This render took 8 and a half hours over night because although it’s just over 3 minuets in length, theres effectively 3 full quality videos playing with 3 audio tracks and all of the effects. It was a relief to find that the video worked however and was ready to be shown. The only real issue I have with the video is the amount of noise and hiss over the audio track, the noise isn’t too distracting but it’s something that would not be missed if it wasn’t there. I also had the idea to include a soundtrack which I was promised but due to the producers personal life, the opportunity to get these off of him never arose. And to be honest, I don’t think that a musical accompaniment would have worked with this project. 

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The final Product - Post Production

After choosing the poems that had the most punch and relevancy to my project (”The Sharks”/ On Getting Famous...”/ “From The Dept. Of...”) The first thing I did in my post process was to align all the clips in the editor. I set up a 1920x1080 project, then synced and swapped out the audio with the tracks that John had mastered. John had compressed the audio, added a de-esser to remove some of the hiss from my pre amp and also EQ’ed the tracks for best and most natural sound. Once I had linked the clips with the new audio, I trimmed out the clip to the maximum length and to remove the dead air. I then stacked these clips on top of each other in the timeline. Obviously some of the poems were longer than others so I needed to work around this in order to play them at the same time cohesively. What I decided to do was to take a screen shot of the last and first frames and to drag these photos out to fill out the rest of the time that was needed to reach the duration of the longest clip - On Getting Famous... I then did the same for the audio, taking a clip of ambient sound from the clips to drag out. 

I then rendered out these clips individually at highest MP4 quality with a high bitrate to give me my final 3 video clips. From there I dropped them into a new Premier sequence and duplicated these videos 3 times in the time line. This would give me my repetition which I then keyframed the opacity/ volume to fade in and out for a second on either end on the clip. There was also a second’s worth of dead space between each cycle starting again in order to allow a rest before starting again. 

Once I had gotten the format of the timeline sorted, I needed to format the placement of the videos in the actual frame. To do this, I simple re scaled the videos to be 30% of the overall frame size, for all three this will leave 9% left for spacing. After doing this I dragged the clips to the area of the screen I wanted them (bad-normal-good days) and figured out the dead centre to align them on. In the drop down menu for the motion effect, you can choose these positions and input whatever value you desire. The middle ended up being 540 so this is the value that every video will have, the difference being the left number, the X position. To do this I figured I’d do it by eye. This probably wasn’t the best way to do it, i could have mathematically figured out, but it still worked for me. 

This is the final outcome, all three videos on the screen at one time. But at the moment the audio also plays out at the same time too. So to change this, I have two options, either let each scene play out in it’s entirety or to edit the clips to swap and change throughout the entire video. The latter is what I went for as it re-introduces the participatory aspect of the work (similar to my original idea of having to walk around the projections in order to sea each perspective, this means that you have to keep looking at the different scenes/ perspectives to figure out which one is the most prevalent) and it also gives the video more of an interesting dynamic to it. 

This is now the timeline as it stands after editing. The idea was to further the idea of these different states of mind with each repetition of the video. This also shows the fragility of the illness and how one can take over the other seemingly in a n instant. The first for example is the bad days as it features mainly the more depressive sounding poems, the second is the good days featuring predominantly the every day and the good days poems and the final video is the every day with a mixture of all three. This was by far the most time consuming aspect of the project, trying to find perfect points for the audio to change and switch without being noticeable. I spent hours picking and choosing between the tracks. Sometimes happy mistakes happened like in the second pass, the two poems start listing objects at the same time so i was able to cut between these two to create a still cohesive dialogue between the different perspectives. This happens a few times throughout the whole film where it’s incredibly ambiguous which perspective is audible. 

One issue I had was the difference in volume and ambient sound which made some of the cuts a little obvious and a little distracting. To combat this, I sometimes cut the clip short during dead air before offending sounds happened are put a clip of other ambient sound in to replace it. Underneath the entire audio layers I added an ambient soundtrack of natural rain and nature sounds to mask the cuts a little better. The natural sounds again add ambiguity to the project and seamed very fitting. It’s also a nod to another healing activity that I partook in. Getting back home and realising the calmness of getting into the country side that I had relatively ignored most of my life really helped put things into perspective. 

I also adjusted each audio channel to balance out any loudness issues slightly. All of the channels now run between -12 and -18db except the background audio which was very low in the mix sitting at about -50db. Once I had fiddled with every setting and clip in the project until I was happy with how it sounded, I moved back to the visuals. There wasn’t much involved with the post processing of the videos themselves as I was pretty happy with the quality and colour renditioning straight out of the camera. The only thing I did was to adjust the images tonally to match each other. due to the different colours used the videos had different luminosities and saturation so I wanted to give not one clip the forefront or make any clip more noticeable than the others. Each pass/ cycle of the videos ends with the ending of the longest poem stating “How’s it going?” as a prompt to the audience for contemplation on the words that came before. 

The first thing I did was to introduce curves to the videos, for the “every day” clip, the image was a lot brighter so I just dragged down the highlights slightly which in turn darkened the background. As you can see with the top screen shot of the actor, the forehead is a little blown out and “shiny”, it also stood out far and above the more saturated and colourful images.

I then simply raised the saturation by 12 increments to re introduce the colour a little bit and to give that rich tonality that the other videos have. Finally I added a slight sharpening to the video, between 12 and 25 percent depending on how much I felt the image needed to make it pin sharp. I then copied these steps for each video clip along the time line to match the clips as closely as possible. 

As you can see there is now a much better tonal cohesion between each video clip. I don’t feel like I needed to do much more to the video due to how good (in my opinion) it already looked out of camera. There’s no need for fancy cross processing or film emulation because this idea is about stripping it back to the basics and letting that harmony between the audio and visual aspects give precedence.

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Day One - Location Shooting

Sequence 1

Day one consisted of shooting at home with the actor. There was no audio to be recorded today as I want to overlay with a monologue/ soundtrack later on. The day started by working backwards, shooting the Good Days sequence first. The images bellow are straight out of camera with no editing.

The first shot was shot with the 85mm which gives a beautiful sharp focus point with everything else softened out. This shot, to extend the amount of time in the shot, I decided to do a pan with simultaneous focus pull onto the various objects of interest. It started focused on a wall throw with an interesting pattern, down to the actor where it lingered for a short while before pulling focus to the phone (bottom of the frame) to show the phone light up with a call. This was a little harder than it seams especially seen as i was the only operator on the camera, i had to focus on the camera movement from top to bottom whilst using my free hand to pull focus on the lens. Especially when only using the 3.5″ monitor on the camera, this was the hardest to get right and to do it smoothly. In the clip, the camera movement came out a little jerky, it was hard to get this move smooth especially without a fluid tripod head.  I should have thought about this in pre production and made sure i rented a different head to get smoother pans/ tilts. 

the second shot was with the 28mm and as you can see, the blacks are a lot deeper in this image, this was due to the change in aperture and although I balanced the exposure out by increasing the ISO (there’s only a few shutter speeds you can film with, preferably double the frame rate, or multiples of this value) but It didn’t quite match tonally to the last shot even with the exact same lighting - however I did move one light closer and lower to the actors left to fill in the shadows on that side a little better. This would not be to much of an issue to fix in post but it a) increases post production time and also should have been something i referenced and fixed whilst shooting. In this shot the actor sits up and exits at the bottom of the frame. This move highlighted the green light that we have spilling down the wall on the left side to introduce colour and dimensionality (especially in the first shot) to the images. Greens and CTO (Colour Temperature Orange) gels were used together to signify a brighter outlook for the character.

The final shot of this sequence changed a little from the last two, I wanted some visual guidance as to the idea that the character has progressed and left these low feelings behind, even momentary so I changed the green gel for another CTO with a soft purple diffusion sheet to bring out the red skin tones in the face. This warmth now spreads throughout the whole image. I shot this using my 50mm lens which has a slightly softer feel to it too, giving the image a very positive look whilst the character talks to this mystery person on the phone, thinking and laughing as he does. 

Sequence 2

This first shot of the second sequence was shot on the 50mm as the 85 was too close of a crop but the 35 didn’t give enough separation between the elements - shower door, actor, patterned wall - and ended up looking too busy. We duct taped my small LED panel to the ceiling at about half power to give a top down light that helped expose the water and give a slight ‘halo lighting’. Mostly it was for definition and to separate the colour temperatures. We then had another LED panel low on the actors side at about 1/3rd power with a red gel to fill in the shadows on this side. Finally we placed a panel at the end of the shower unit at nearly full power to act as our key. This was also gelled red. I toyed with using the blinds and the natural light from the windows as a film but ended up blocking these out with bounce boards to help the saturation and contrast of the image. The red gels always produce a very saturated colour due to the amount of energy the colours wavelength uses. The shot itself was a dolly/ slider shot that traveled from the doorway into the room passing through the shower door, not exactly perpendicular to the shower itself. This was to draw the audience in. The movement also creates interesting visuals by slowly revealing the character through the condensation to how you see it above.  

This next shot was a simple tripod shot locked onto the actor, the aperture was at 2.8 using the 85mm so it meant that I either tracked focus as best as possible or locked it into a position that the actor keeps passing into. This is the option i went for. I think it is a good representation of the fragile nature of the character with issues not being in focus, not thinking clearly. The lens gives great sepperation between the wall and the actor making the patterned wall seam further away and giving the actor the focus in the frame. 

Sequence 3

Sequence 3 - the bad days - was a homage to David Fincher’s Fight Club with the movie actually appearing in the shot. This shot included a whip pan from the TV to the actor mimicking the shot in the film. This was shot using my 10-24mm Tamron lens at about 12-18 mm.

in this sequence I blocked out all of the light coming through the windows as best as i could. Then from there we have one light to the right of the camera with a 1/4 CTB (Colour Temperature Blue) high up that acted as out key for the actor. I then placed a second panel on the floor behind the sofa pointing up at the wall with a full CTB at about 2/3 power to give some depth to the images and to brighten up the background. In hindsight, I wish I had used a different colour, like a red but it does create a cohesive colour palate throughout. I also had a light to the left of the camera low down to fill in the shadows and accent the hand of the actor with a purple gel. This gives the colour separation that I wish the background light did. Once we figured out framing, the actual camera move was relatively easy. The lo-fi effect created by the slight flicker/ banding caused by the TV worked well within the shot to mirror the seriousness of the characters situation. This flicker was reduced by adjusting the shutter speed to match closer to the output but there was little to no chance of eliminating it entirely. 

The second shot in the sequence was this slider shot exciting the door. Due to the darkness in the room/ the darkness of the exposure in places it was hard to see the light stand to the left of the frame and the plug sockets. This could be removed/ reduced in post but it might be a little fiddly to do. The other issue with this shot is the jerkiness of the slider movement itself. Because I only had one tripod head (and a want to angle the slider downwards) meant that I had to screw the camera straight onto the slider track directly meaning that to get the framing I wanted I had to have it a little loose. There’s a rather noticeable judder at the start of the camera movement. We see a reference to Suspiria at the end with the red light giving further depth and interest to the shot. 

The Final Video

There were several issues with the film. Firstly, I agree completely with Lawrence’s worries of the shots looking too messy and being distracting. Some of the shots, it works with - the second shower shot for example - but others - especially the bed sequence - it looks too overwhelming and confusing. This is why set designers are hired for sets though I guess, and something I should have given more consideration to. What I needed was to look closely at Edward Honaker’s work. One of the reasons why I think that the project works so well is that you have these very simple every day elements in the photographs, it only contains 2/3 objects to focus on so your entire attention is directed at the subject. Even with his photographs, as soon as he introduces different settings with more objects to look at in the frame, the less impacting the images are. 

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Day Two - Studio Shoot

I had booked out the infinity cave studio in the university to film in for the second day. When we got there, we discovered two Arri open face lights, a 750w and a 1k, both with focusing lenses. This was a no brainer for me to use these lights. Because of how powerful these lights are and the ability to spotlight them, this would work perfectly for the almost ‘interview’ or ‘piece to camera’ style shoot idea. It would mean we will be able to eliminate most if not all ambient light and get nice hard shadows on the actors face, cutting the colour blending very sharply. 

This was the general set up, with the two lights at about 45 degrees to the actor - as wide as they would go - just above head night so that the shadows would cross together in a rather natural perspective. I set up a C stand with a boom arm on in front of the lights instead of clipping the gels straight onto the barn doors as when I last used these gels with a set of 750′s they got so hot that the gels started melting. Having them on a boom arm allowed some distance, but to be honest, even the 1k didn’t get as warm as the previous 750′s I have rented in the past. 

I then had the camera and actor central in the studio with the 85mm on the camera shooting at f2.8 to allow a bit of movement incase the actor wanted to come forward or move about in the frame. I chose to have him sat down though to reduce this and to have the different takes as uniform as possible. With my Rode NTG2 on a stand which was being fed into a pre amp and then into Logic on my sound guy’s (John) laptop. The room was obviously not built for recording audio so we did have a considerable amount of echo and noise from outside the room but this is something I can embrace in post I hope. To sync the audio, we got the actor to clap (like a makeshift clapperboard) to create a peak on both the cameras audio and the mic’s then in post you can just align these two and not have to worry about sync issues. This is a technique we use in our professional work. Doing live sessions for bands we get them to hit the snare into both of the cameras at once and then re frame and go for a take.

Between each new ‘scene’ (between the three perspectives) we changed up the lighting colour. So for the every day I chose something quite neutral, with a 1/2 CTO on the 750 and a purple skin tone diffusion gel on the 1k to give a soft and natural look whereas the CTO gave the image the saturation. 

On the second scene (the bad days) I chose a heavy and oppressive colour palate to mirror this and went with the classic blue and red. which was a very dark image and very saturated. I noticed very easily on this shot the light spill so to combat this I used the barn doors of the light to control the area that the light was falling and used black wrap to cut off the light spill between the light face and the barn doors. You still get light falling on the backdrop but it’s more ambient and less direct. 

The third shot was the good days so I used the green like yesterday and I paired this with the purple that I used in the last shot of the first day’s shoot too. These two colours are very stylistic again and create a very interesting divide in the colour palate. 

Because of the output of the lights i was able to go down to the cameras native iso of 200 to get the cleanest image possible. I shot up to 7 takes of each poem (of which there was 6 in total) even after I got a take that I was happy with. This was to ensure the best performance possible, for the actor to get used to the lines and his delivery and to draw out the perfect delivery. If there was something in particular, a pause, emphasis or movement then I would call it out after each take to highlight these points for the next take. It was clear whilst shooting today that this was the way forward for the project. This was definitely the most appropriate way for the project to evolve and would even work for developing the project at a later point in life - especially if trying to re visit the original way or presenting. 

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Last Minuet Reference - Suspiria

The day before filming I stumble upon a film named Susporia. Suspiria is a 1977 Italian produced psychological horror film directed by Dario Argento. Because of this films age and the genre that it is, theres a definite low budget vibe but it’s use of cleaver cinematography and jarring music propel this film from “just another B-Movie horror to something with a little more artistic merit.

One thing that initially stands out for me is the production and set design, as we can see in the trailer, the dance school that we see our protagonist entering is a large art deco style building with a vast array of colour and textures. The set however doesn’t feel too claustrophobic or too busy, it has been designed in conjunction with wardrobe and the camera department in mind to have a nice balance between visual and logistical efficiency. You could draw comparisons between Suspiria and Wes Anderson’s The Grand Budapest Hotel 

For it’s avant garde set design and often linear/ symmetrical camera work. A similar comparison could be drawn between the two an Stanley Kubrick’s The Shining. 

Suspiria was three years before The Shining so it would not be a huge leap to believe Kubrick (and Anderson) had referenced it, knowing that Kubrick as a huge fan of European cinema and Argento’s standing in the horror genre. 

Where we see the similarities fall somewhat is in the lighting. The lighting was the most impressive feature of the film for me and was perfectly in keeping with the past references going into this project. Lavish use of colour reminiscent of the work of Douglas Sirk who I looked at going into this project. The lighting is a very impressionist and overpowering visual device used to signify the direction of the plot, often these heavily impressionist scenes come right before/ during a huge change in the story. This fits with the idea that the film is somewhat a manifestation of the characters inner thoughts. Scenes seam to repeat themselves throughout the film like a sort of de-ja-vu, coupled with odd plot points, situations and the production design give this film a very dream like quality. 

The heavy use of reds and oranges throughout the film signify a looming presence and an imminent danger, like the film is being lit by warning lights. This could be a slight nod to the political status in Italy at the time. In the early - mid 70′s an extremist fascist group was formed in Italy under the name The Red Brigades who set about opposing the bourgeoisie and eventually, even murder. At the same time we also see the development of the cold war, ever looming presence of the soviet union and the war in Vietnam. These were uncertain times and i think the films mentality mirrors that. The blues oppose this but are used a lot more sparingly. This mixture of red and blue (due to their opposing situation on the colour wheel) is a very pleasing one, very oppressive and stylistic. I like the mixture between almost practical lighting (blue shining through the window signifying night time, 3rd image down) and the very abstract impressionist such as the use of red in that same image. There’s no reason in reality why that bulb would be red but in the context of this film it works as a metaphor. 

It’s that mixing impressionist with more practical or “real world” lighting traditions that I find very interesting as an idea to develop throughout my career. For more narrative projects this is definitely something I’m going to consider when making the lighting choices, how to introduce colour and make it a part of the world that the film is situated.  

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Final Pre Production

I must start this off with saying, I can not draw. This is a very rough attempt at visualising my ideas to try and help describe to people involved what I’m after. 

This was the brief storyboard I created to get the feel for the cuts and what shots i need on the day. This was to hopefully help when shooting to know exactly what I need to be setting up next and what’s going to be happening in order to direct more efficiently. As this was my first time directing, I felt that knowing what I wanted and when was essential. 

This shot in American Beauty along with Maureen Dernnen’s photographic work served as the inspiration for the first shot with the character lying on the bed. We also see a hint towards Eternal Sunshine and my own experience in as far as the character gets a phone call/ some new contact that acts as the catalyst for his improvement.

The second shot also references my experience and American Beauty in as far as the shower is a safe place for contemplation, often where I found myself on the edge of doing something with the day or crawling back into bed. 

The third shot is a reference to fight club, the sofa shot where Edward Norton is lying comatose on the sofa. Again, this is a situation you often find yourself in, just staring at the tv/laptop/phone hoping to take your mind off things. 

I also created this lighting diagram to try and figure out where would be best to place the lights. I had the intention of lighting the actor first and then filling in the background/ bouncing light back into the actor. I had already decided on the colour palate for each shot so I’m going to wait till the day to figure out which way the light falls and which colour works best. The idea is to light the background with the colour and then accent with the daylight light of the 3x LED panels I’m going to rent from the University. 

When discussing contingencies for presenting my work with my tutors, I also discussed the idea of shooting simple - similar to the Nationwide adverts referenced earlier - studio setting shots. This would remove any possible distractions from the visual narrative and focus the attention back on the words and the person. This could be a more effective way of showing the work, especially now that I’m not having it as an installation piece, but instead showing all shots on one monitor at the same time. Doing it this way, with the original plan could cause a lot of confusion for the audience. Sometimes less is more and I think that rings true in this case. I’m still going to shoot both ideas and see which works best visually. 

In terms of equipment, for the camera body I decided to go with my Nikon D7000 as I can rely on it’s performance and can easily work it for high quality shots. I don’t think a more powerful camera such as the C100 or a Sony FS7 would really be necessary for this project as It does not call for a image with huge dynamic range or pin sharp focus. This means that it may end up being an unnecessary expense which i’d rather save for a project that better suits it. It’s the lenses where the quality is going to come from anyway. As was revealed with my tests, somewhere between 50mm - 100mm seams to be optimal so I’m going to try and stay in this range for as much of the shoot as possible. For this I’m going to rent from the university store a Sigma 85mm f1.4 ART lens for the close ups, in conjunction with my Nikkor 50mm f1.8D and Nikkor 35mm f1.8D for the wides. I could rent out the 50mm f1.4G lens but in my experience I prefer the colour renditioning from the D version in sacrifice of a little sharpness and that lower f stop. I’m also going to rent the Nikkor 28mm f2.8 for any wide/ establishing shots which again can be used along side my Tamron 10 - 24mm for that super wild field of view that may be interesting to use. Lighting, I managed to grab a Datavision DVS-LEDGO-RKBC Reporter Kit which is a 3 x LED panel kit that outputs the equivalent of a 250w halogen. The good thing about these lights is that they’re small and lightweight meaning they can be rigged in places that the larger halogens can not. You also have a reduced issue with heat output meaning they can get closer to actors. I also have 2x 250w fluorescent softboxes, an 80w LED light tube (similar to a fluorescent tube) and a smaller 150w LED panel of my own (all daylight balanced) that I can also use. I also have a Lee Filters master location gel pack that I will be using for my gels in conjunction with extra sheets of the red, blue and green gels as they should be the most used but included are CTB’s, CTO’s, diffusion, blackwrap, skin tone enhancers, ND’s and all sorts of interesting colours to work with.  

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Mental Health and Men

For a long time it has been drilled into the mids of men (especially young men) that being emotive and asking for help are signs of weakness or something that is not inherently “manly”. This is often to our detriment and especially in a time where the pressures on men are rising higher and higher, it’s essential that we change this. The world is changing, we are forever at the scrutiny of advertisements and celebrity culture that offers up a seemingly airbrushed life where every girl is stick thin, perfectly dressed AND in a powerful roll in the office. The same goes for men, we are viewed in the media straight out the gym, perfectly chiseled jawline and obviously we can’t be a real male unless we have the money to go with it. This is fed to the young people of the world straigt into their hands via the likes of Instagram and Facebook. But even then, we go outside and theres a massive billboard wherever we look, cramming this idea into our minds.

This has lead to a rise in mental health of all varieties. The expectations are too high and the support is too low. 

However, we are seeing a trend, a change for the better. Over the last decade or so we have seen more and more people discussing mental health issues and more and more campaigns to try and spread the awareness. For example, in 2016 a viral campaign was started by rugby player Luke Ambler after he lost hist brother due to suicide. Luke initially set up a local charity to provide a safe space for local men to come and talk to one and another, to express what they’re feeling. Quickly, CALM (a charity based in the UK who help deal with mental health issues and campaigns of all types) got on board and started spreading the word and putting people in contact. From that, he wanted to spread the word so he decided to try a viral “challenge” campaign. 

#itsoktotalk was started in 2016 and still runs to this day. Like all viral campaigns the idea is simple, you post a ‘selfie’ of yourself onto social media with the OK had signal and tag that photo with the hashtag and with three friends to respond with the same. This has a simple domino effect where you very quickly reach thousands of people with a very engaging way of advertising. Eventually the BBC, ITV, LadBible and countless radio shows started getting on board along with high profile celebrities and figures of power. 

CALM (Campaign Against Living Miserably) have continuously helped push the word for mental health and in 2015 they joined up with Lynx, Topman and internet music community SBTV to kick off the biggerissues campaign. Again, this campaign was to spread awareness and to urge men to seek help and not to feel embarrassed in doing so. One tactic was (funded by Topman) to hand out 25,000 oyster cards with “Mind the Chap” slogan and contact info on. They also teamed up with SBTV to create a short music project to highlight how common the issues are and to show support for the cause by using the hashtag #dontbeastatistic 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W1VLWFZavYI

We also have a widespread campaign by Amnesty International supporting mental health awareness. Coming off the backlash of their chairman stepping down in 2013 due to insensitive tweets about mental health issues, the brand wanted to step away from this image. Not only have they started continually fighting in parliament (alongside the likes of CALM) they released a physical add campaign.

Like the corporate and mass funded campaigns of the fashion industry, this was a poster based campaign that was seen everywhere. Rows and rows of the posters were billed around cities and towns, and like the constant branding from other companies, it works. People started to notice them and having this repetition solidifies the idea in peoples minds. They remember the posters and the theme. They might not remember the exact details but they do remember they saw a poster about getting help for mental health. 

Both these groups (along with countless other national, international and local groups) are battling with parliament for better funding, especially in under developed areas where these issues seam to be more susceptible to younger people. But with the threat of even more privateisation from the Tory government and more and more cuts to services similar to these, now is the time to push on with this awareness and keep fighting for something that could save hundreds of lives a year. I’m not saying my project will do that, but for the few that see it, it’s a reminder that it’s ok to talk and to reach out when you’re not ok. 

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Equipment Troubles

My idea from the start of the project was to attempt to use directional speakers and for the film to be presented in an instillation manner where part of the art is the physicality of it’s presentation. In the quest for this dream I contacted seemingly one of only a handful of companies in the UK who rent out these directional speaker systems. After a couple of weeks, I got a reply that gave me a quote of £450 for (what I assumed was going to be two weeks worth of rental) the duration of the exhibition. I then spent the next couple of weeks trying to find funding for this, thinking that it was pivotal and essential to the reading of my proposed work. I finally took some money out of my inheritance to use for this purpose and again, followed up with an email. I then heard nothing back, after a second email and still nothing back I started to panic. I’d also misjudged the amount of time left for the project and had not sorted out a form of presenting the video it’self either. My idea was to use projectors but after seeing the universities offer of an old projection system with only S-Video inputs, I again, started to panic about this too. 

The next day I decided to ring round hire companies in Manchester to A) see if they knew of anywhere that could provide these speakers and B) what projection systems they could offer. After a few phone calls with nothing on the speaker front and with the price/ logistical considerations of projection hire getting too much, I decided to try and speak to my tutor. What I hadn’t considered was the health and safety/ fire safety regulations and the mounting problems that I would encounter, this bumped up the price for insurance etc. I thought that renting 3x monitors would be a cheaper and logistically more efficient solution but the price came in at a minimum of £1400, something way out of my budget.  

My tutors were very helpful in bringing me out of this rut that I had gotten in. I was fixated on trying to get these speakers and I had run dry with options regarding presenting the video. Lawrence suggested that I talk to Sam Ingleson who is organising the graduate exhibition about the possibility of renting 3 or even just 1 of the large monitors from the university. Sam passed on the details of a woman called Jules who informed me that the 60′ monitors were reserved for other courses for the graduation. No worries, I have my TV monitor at home that I can bring in. Problem solved. It isn’t exactly what I envisioned but it’s a solution. As Matt said, “You’re not showing this at the Tate.” and yes with more time I could have raised the funding and the where-with-all to accomplish these ambitions but for the university graduate exhibition with little over a week left to go, it’s just not feasible. Both me and Matt continued to try and source the speakers with no luck from any of the technical/ audio departments in the university. But again, the solution of using headphones/  would suffice. Maybe this is something I can look into and organise outside of university in the future? 

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Meeting With My Actor

On Thursday I met with my actor - Stuart - to discuss the project further and generally break the ice. We met in the Starbucks on St Anne’s Square in Manchester to sit over a coffee and discuss the project details. At first glance, he was a little different that I expected coming from the casting call application. He looked a lot more ‘rough and ready’ so to speak with piercings and loose fitting clothes. This was a plus for me as It actually fit better with the character profile I had in my mind. 

Stuart wanted to know more about his roll, the type of character and what’s expected of him. He also wanted to know what the costume was and if he needed to bring anything. I told him loose fitting shirts - preferably checked or something similar. I later went out and bought a shirt to make sure that I had something at least that was fitting with the vision in my mind. Keeping in mind the shot’s I wanted him to wear the shirt for, I went for a green flannel shirt. A sort of smart casual vibe. This would be worn in the Good Days section and would hopefully accentuate and compliment his eye colour. 

He told me about an interactive performance piece that he has been working on for the best part of two years that was also based around his and his collaborators experience with depression. More specifically - male depression and suicide. This is very fitting in the context of my own work  I think we both understand where we are both coming from creatively. He couldn’t tell me too many details due to the fact that it wasn’t ready to be released but I got the details of it and will be sure to try and get to one of the showings - the first being Liverpool in September. 

I also took along my camera with my standard 18-105 lens to see which focal length would work best for my actor. As expected, at 18mm we have a very distorted look, the head looks very long and skinny and the features squashed. As soon as we jump up to 35mm we see this disappearing dramatically, the face becomes more natural and relaxed. As we move through the focal lengths this is only heightened, the features become more and more compressed and the face becomes wider and fuller with more emphasis on the subject rather than the surroundings. I think the optimal range is between 50mm-80mm. For his face, I want to draw attention to the eyes. I feel at 105mm there’s too much compression of the planes and the face becomes ‘squashed’, it needs a little ‘dimensionality’ to it. The 50 gives a more ‘skinny’ rendering but the 80mm is the most ‘pleasing’. This will be interesting to keep in mind when filming in order to choose the right lens for the right application. This subtle change might help in directing the audiences attention within the frame and possibly the reading of the image itself. 

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American Beauty - Middle Class Depression

American Beauty (1999) is the directorial debut from Sam Mendes who has since gone on to direct other critically renowned films such as Jarhead (2005) and both the Skyfall (2012) and Spectre (2015) chapters in the James Bond franchise. The film follows a middle class family in suburban America. One day Lester Burnham (Kevin Spacey) becomes fed up with his lifeless, loveless and joyless life and goes through what we generally call a “mid life crisis”. This crisis does not sit with his wife (Annette Bening) who has settled into the middle class lifestyle and has lived out her last 20 years creating an image for herself and living true to that, instead of being true to herself. All while his teenage daughter begins to rebel against her bickering parents, almost mirroring her fathers sexual, drug and social experimentation. 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=blpXcAOKgl8

What makes this film really interesting is the opening monologue, most specifically the line where he states “In less than a year I will be dead.” Further than this though, we get introduced right off the bat to the life of the protagonist, the world he inhabits and his feelings. We get to see his depressive state told quite honestly and almost unapologetically. We see that masterbating in the shower is the highlight of his day, we see his wife’s sugar sweet facade, we see his daughters disscontempt (and reasons why) for her parents. Right from the get go we have been introduced to the film, we know what’s going on and most interestingly, what to expect. We know that Lester is going to end up dying but instead of making the journey of the film redundant, it forces the journey to become the point. All of this over seemingly uninteresting arial shots of the classic “2.4/ nuclear family” homes. 

“in less than a year I will be dead. Of course I don't know that yet, and in a way, I am dead already.“ 

This line is a great representation of Lester’s depression, he has become subordinate to his feelings and passions which has meant he lives out his life running through the motions. He no longer does anything for himself. He works to fund his family, his family are ungrateful of this, but because he dedicated himself to working, he no longer has friends. 

One visual aspect that really intrigues me is the arial shots of Lester. These shots serve as portraits of his inner self. We first see this right at the beginning with lester in bed during his monologue. This birds eye shot becomes a motif throughout the film at pivotal points showing Lester’s actual inner emotions. We see it as he has sexual desires for his daughters friend (multiple times) we see it when he decides to change his life, when he starts to work out. They all act as portraits of his mental state at the present. Similar to my own ideas of having moving portraits to further support the dialogue. 

Another shot that’s interesting in relation to my own project is the shower scene (again in the opening monologue above) Showers are often a safe place for quiet contemplation and for a person suffering from depression, personal hygiene can be an incredibly big step to make in getting out of the rut. It’s one of the small steps to make that can hugely improve the situation. for me at least, it allowed a purposeful 5/10/15 minuets where I could objectively look at my situation and motivate myself to actually do something. Weather or not I actually did it is another matter. 

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Photographic References

Maureen Dernnan 

Maureen Drennan is a photographer who I first stumbled upon through a Huffingtonpost article. I then looked deeper into her work and especially became interested in the series “the sea that surrounds us.” This series is an exploration of what Maureen’s husband’s depression is to them both. Very intimate portraits which often feature her husband in a very vulnerable way are mirrored by landscapes of their home town which represent the inner feelings of both her husband and the relationship between the two. Dernnan also offers herself up in a very vulnerable way too showing beautiful solidarity between the couple. 

I really enjoyed the simplicity of this project. The portraits are very intimate and you can sense the love between the two. They know each other and are absolutely comfortable around each other. They almost feel like holiday snaps in that regard, as they are situational portraits that seam to suggest a deeper purpose than just to be a photograph of a person. They suggest ideas of time and space. As well, the landscapes are too rather pleasing. The minimalist aesthetic and the subjectless aspect of these images serve as a great metaphor for the inner lifeless turmoil, not only by her husband but also herself. Loving someone with mental health issues can be hard and often very isolating so these landscape, void of any subject, serve as a embodiment of this. There’s also a slight difference in the way these photographs are treated. The portraits are often very contrasty with dark shadows and bright highlights - almost suggesting this change in personality. Whereas the landscapes are very flat and desaturated - again mirroring this loneliness that they both feel. 

Edward Honaker - Book II 

Edward Honaker was a 21 year old art school graduate when he released this series entitled Book II. “A series which illustrates my experiences with depression and anxiety. Featured on Huffington Post.” he states on his portfolio. The series is very striking visually, entirely shot in black and white, the self portraits are visual metaphors for the every day feelings of Honaker. 

Black and white photography can be very oppressive depending on the subject. The way it removes the photograph from the present day (because why wouldn’t you use colour?) seams to create an other-worldly aspect. Because of this, the project remains very open ended, relatable and intimate. As though (and we literally are in one case) looking through someones family album. The way in which the self portraits never feature a truly visible image of the photographers face also helps create this open book quality. Because the photos are so ‘generic’ in set up and subject, the actual person could be anyone. The distorted faces too creates a visual representation of the way in which the photographer felt post diagnosis. 'Your mind is who you are, and when it doesn't work properly, it's scary,' quotes The Daily Mail. 

The images remind me a lot of the technique used in one of my other great references coming into this project - Eternal Sunshine of a Spotless Mind. 

This technique is used to depict the way in which Joel (Jim Carey) is loosing his memories of his brief lover Clementine (Kate Winslet) in a series of Inception esc jumps through different memories. Joel is loosing his memories due to a controversial procedure he had taken out on himself to eradicate memories of someone/thing to avoid the heartbreak of that situation. Before meeting Clementine, Joel was incredibly depressed (Joel’s constant use of ‘nice’ - being a nondescript adjective - serving as a metaphor throughout the film) and lonely. After learning that she had also undergone this treatment to remove him from her life he was thrown back into this depression but realising his mistake, he tried to cling on to these feelings and memories because of the cathartic effect they have on him. 

Where these images cross over for me is the importance of people, especially when dealing with depression and anxiety. You have to put yourself out side of your comfort zone and push yourself to be social because at the end of the day, that’s what you need to get better. You need family, friends and people in general to be there. You need to find people that understand and support you through what you’re going through to lift you up. Weather it’s Joel’s scrambling to hold on to memories or the loss of identity, it’s people who are going to help repair this. 'blessed to be alive right now' Edward Honaker writes after people reach out and praise his work on social media. 

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Poetry - Final Selection

The good Days:

The Miracle -

To work with an art form does not mean to screw off like a tapeworm with his belly full,

nor does it justify grandeur or greed, nor at all times seriousness, but I would guess that it calls upon the best men at their best times,

and when they die and something else does not, we have seen the miracle of immortality; men arrived as men, departed as gods — gods we knew were here.

gods that now let us go on when all else says stop.

I chose this poem because it mirrors one of my key inspirations going into this project. The idea that being a creative both hinders and advances the depressive state. I found - in second year most especially - that my need to create something was giving me anxiety but the anxiety that I was going to fail simultaneously held me back. I think this is a common theme with creatives. My need to create work is spurred on by the idea that we live very short lives and if we don’t do something lasting and important with our lives then what’s the point? This idea of immortality through our work is most perfectly summed up in the last stanza and I think the shortness of the poem itself also in part mirrors the shortness of life, in itself being a metaphor, short but sweet.

The Sharks -

the sharks knock on my door and enter and ask favours; how they puff in my chairs looking about the room,

and they ask for deeds: light, air, money, anything they can get — beer, cigarettes, half dollars, dollars, fives, dimes,

all this as if my survival were assured, as if my time were nothing and their presence valuable.

well, we all have our sharks, I’m sure, and there’s only one way to get them off before they hack and nibble you to death — stop feeding them; they will find other bait; you fattened them the last dozen times around — now set them out to sea

I have talked about this poem before in my research but this is the first poem I read that made me think “this is what I want.” There was no question after reading this poem that it was perfect for the final section of the film - The Good Days. The sharks as a metaphor for the ever biting depression and the constant monotony of fighting them off really worked well and I love the visual narrative that goes a long with reading it. “well, we all have our sharks, I’m sure,” opening it up to everyone (something that I strongly believe, that everyone has some tendency to depressive states) is key in this work I think, in making the audience think and relate the work before them to their own experiences. But it’s the last stanza again that is the most poignant for me. 

“now set them out to sea”

Theres times where you have to take a step back and evaluate yourself, then you have to go and get help. As hard as that may be, it’s the right thing to do, to admit that you’re not okay and to submit to getting yourself better. 

The Every Day:

Hermit in the city -

Idle in the forest of my room with tungsten trees, owl boiling coffee, webs cowled in gold over windows staring outward into hell; cigarette breath: statues of perfection, not stuffed or whirled in cancers of ranting: engines and wheels crawl to gaseous ends along the sabre-tooth; my trees climb with monkey-rhyme, climb out through the ceiling breaking the TV antennas and the dull howl of canned laughter, canned humour, canned death; idle, idle in this forest, calla lilies, grass, stone, all nighttime level peace of no bombers or faces, and I dream the stone dream, the grass dream, the river running through my fingerbones one hundred and fifty years away, leaving shots of grit and gold

and radium, lifted and turned by dizzied fish and dropped, raising flecks of sand in my sleep. . .

The owl spits his coffee, my monkeys chit the gibberish plan, and my walls, my walls help endure the seizing.

This section is the every day, where you don’t really feel sad or happy, you’re not spiralling out of control but you’re also not getting better. It becomes like groundhog day. What attracted me to this poem is the use of visual narrative within the poem. 

“with tungsten trees, owl boiling coffee, webs cowled in gold over windows staring outward into hell;”

I love the visual metaphors and the way in which reading poetry like this makes you conjure up images and scenarios in your mind, this makes it very relatable to every day life and keeps it from being abstract and removed from experience. The line above is beautiful to me as it explains the feeling of being trapped, surrounded by a disgusting metropolis. for me, one of the key factors in getting better was to get back out of the city and all the anxieties that go along with that, and get back to the country and the familiar safety. When coming to university, living in a city was exciting and new but once I had lived here a few years, knowing all the crime and poverty happening, quite literally on my street, made living here a task and rather frighting.  The repetition towards the end of the poem bookends the work and highlights this ‘groundhog day’ feeling. 

From the Dept. of English -

100 million Chinese bugs on the stairway to hell, come drink with me rub my back with me;

this filth-pitched room, floor covered with yellow newspapers 3 weeks old; bottle caps, a red pencil, a rip of toilet paper. these odd bits of broken things; the flies worry me as ice cream ladies walk past my window, at night I sleep, try to sleep between mounds of stinking laundry; ghosts come out, play dirty games, evil games, games of horror with my mind; in the morning there is blood on the sheet from a broken sore upon my back.

putting on a shirt that rips across my back, rotten rag of a thing, and putting on pants with a rip in the crotch, I find in the mailbox

(along with other threats): “Dear Mr. Bukowski:

Would like to see more of your poems for possible inclusion in ——— Poetry Review.

How’s it going?”

This was another poem that when I read it I was instantly enthralled by it. Again we see aspects of monotonous living and a lack of care for personal hygiene - another common aspect and tell tale sign of depression. When you enter these states of not even being able to sum up the energy to clean your room, all other priorities fall too. I really like the dialogue within this poem, as Bukowski is getting asked to produce work and be dependable on which seams to be a great form of stress for the character, as it was with me, in not failing these people. The last line too holds a very important message “How’s it going?” In the context it almost seams spiteful and passive aggressive when in actuality it’s someone reaching out. Sometimes it’s hard to see when someone is trying to help us and comfort us but we need this in our lives, we need support.

The Bad Days:

on getting famous and being asked: can you recite? can you be there at nine? -

...and all they know is kill, those pungent insects, and as we whirl in new worlds I am filled with space and I am ill; I roll a child’s marble upon the rug, then hear it clatter off into some new corner

and I puke as the telephone rings; MR. SPLASH, A VOICE SAYS, WE WANT YOU TO SPEAK BEFORE THE SOCIETY. WE FEEL IT WILL BE VITAL. I hang up of course, and I find an orange in the ice box, but before i can peel it and eat it I am ill again. and I take off and fold my shoes, sit down cross- legged, (like a statue I wish I owned), and wait, at 3 p.m., to die.

This poem like ‘From The Dept. Of English’ speaks to the stress of communicating and facing up to the situation of your health and more importantly, how it’s effected your every day life. Mental health is often dismissed because it’s not a physical illness. There’s no external signs that you are ill. It often get’s compared to having a broken arm, you wouldn’t just ignore it and not get help for a broken arm, so why should you with mental health? This imagery is vital to this poem, “I puke as the telephone rings;”, “I am ill again” are the external factors to the illness and then we have “and wait, at 3 p.m., to die.” Which is the more internal and debilitating aspects. It’s a very scary thing, for someone to wish death upon themselves and I think this comes through. It’s shocking which in turn makes it intriguing. I hope that it has a similar effect when used in my work.   

A division -

I live in an old house where nothing screams victory reads history where nothing

plants flowers

sometimes my clock falls sometimes my sun is like a tank on fire

I do not ask your armies or your kisses or

your death I have my own

my hands have arms my arms have shoulders my shoulders have me I have me you have me when you can see me but I don't like you to see me

I do not like you to see that

I have eyes in my head and can walk and I do not want to

answer your questions I do not want to amuse you I do not want you to amuse me

or sicken me or talk about anything

I do not want to love you

I do not want to save you

I do not want your arms I do not want your shoulders I have me you have you

let that be.

I picked this one as well not because it necessarily relates to my experience, I just think it’s interesting in context and to see another perspective. Bukowski often talks about his lovers, a woman called Jane who died too early and his attitudes coming out of that experience. This poem shows his need for connection but his troubles in accepting it and creating anything of any real meaning with his relationships. His attitude is simply physical, there is no ‘love’ anymore in this man. where I felt almost the opposite when getting better, Bukowski seams to continue to push people away all the way. I love the way that this poem seams to be a defeat. He is utterly at a loss, there is not enthusiasm or drive left in him. 

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Poetry - Second Research

After the suggestions from Reddit, my close friend (who studies English and Creative Writing) and others, I took a selection of books out of the library to get a better idea for the scope of peoples work and to find some poetry that would be applicable for the final film. I didn’t want the pieces to be too long, looking at a reading time of 2 minuets roughly to keep the pieces concise. 

This was the final selection. A collection of William Blake’s poetry, a collection of John Donne, Charles Bukowski’s The Days Run Away Like Wild Horses Over The Hills, Oscar Wilde’s biographic/ letter De Profundis and a collection of Philip Larkin. 

Oscar Wilde - De Produndis

The Wilde book was more personal interest but after reading the first few pages I thought I could possibly take passages from it to be read. I have previously read The Picture Of Dorian Grey which was a huge inspiration to me during first year. I thought this would be interesting concept (to me at least) almost book ending my university career with Wilde. 

The book deals a lot with Wilde’s depression whilst inside prison and the way in which his depression manifests itself both internally and externally. It was interesting to see comparisons to my own dealing with depression, especially the way in which (although greatly appreciated and needed) he ended up pushing his friends away even when he needed them the most. So reading this I kept passages in mind that could be applicable but again, read it more of a personal thing rather than thinking “this is definitely what I want in my film.”

John Donne and William Blake

The work of John Donne and William Blake was very hard for me to read. content wise it was very applicable and resonant but it was very dark. The poems rarely if ever seemed to offer a way out, or any idea of hope. Obviously, this isn’t the message that I want to give for the entirety of my work. It made reading the poems very somber and reflective, which in a certain way is good but I would feel very conscious after reading because of it’s seemingly hopeless content. This would however work for the more hopeless state/ perspective of the narrative. 

Holy Sonnets: Death, be not proud

BY

JOHN DONNE

Death, be not proud, though some have called thee

Mighty and dreadful, for thou art not so;

For those whom thou think'st thou dost overthrow

Die not, poor Death, nor yet canst thou kill me.

From rest and sleep, which but thy pictures be,

Much pleasure; then from thee much more must flow,

And soonest our best men with thee do go,

Rest of their bones, and soul's delivery.

Thou art slave to fate, chance, kings, and desperate men,

And dost with poison, war, and sickness dwell,

And poppy or charms can make us sleep as well

And better than thy stroke; why swell'st thou then?

One short sleep past, we wake eternally

And death shall be no more; Death, thou shalt die. 

The other thing that turned me off of these writers is there use of more archaic language. Not being the most adept poetry reader in the world with only a little knowledge on form and technique, it made it even harder for me to grasp the ideas and point of the work. It’s also a stylistic choice that I think became evident when reading more and more was that I didn’t necessarily want to much of an archaic language within my work. I wanted the work to feel relevant and contemporary. It may have been a nice juxtaposition between the quite contemporary filming style that I’m after with the poetry but I think the piece will be more accessible without this language barrier.  

Phillip Larkin 

I previously mentioned the work of Phillip Larkin, in particular his poem Aubade which still sticks out to me. Especially the last line:

“Postmen like doctors go from house to house.“

This is the type of ‘everyman’ position I want the reader/ audience to get into. The fact that everyone (I believe) will experience depression, real depression, at some point in their life. The idea is to not fear it but to get help and learn from it. His work features a lot of aspects that resonate as being large contributors to my own illness, most especially the fear of death. 

Is a reminder of the strength and pain   Of being young; that it can’t come again,   But is for others undiminished somewhere.

This is the last stanza of hid poem ‘Sad Steps’ which was another that stood out to me especially when thinking of this idea of fearing death. This last stanza encapsulates a lot of the angst for me thinking about mortality. The idea that as the time passes by we will never get to experience those moments ever again. Never again will I be 21 and 314 days old, or whatever. One of the stand out qualities for me with his work is the use of visual imagery to bring the audience into the life of the narrator. For example, from Aubade, “In time the curtain-edges will grow light. “ congruous up a very familiar image of staring into the distance at night, slowly noticing the sun rising from behind the curtains. This is then bookended in the last stanza:

“Slowly light strengthens, and the room takes shape.   It stands plain as a wardrobe, what we know,”

With these two together we start to understand that the “light” may be a metaphor for the depression, fading and growing. 

Charles Bukowski

Bluebird - Charles Bukowski 

there's a bluebird in my heart that wants to get out but I'm too tough for him, I say, stay in there, I'm not going to let anybody see you. there's a bluebird in my heart that wants to get out but I pour whiskey on him and inhale cigarette smoke and the whores and the bartenders and the grocery clerks never know that he's in there. there's a bluebird in my heart that wants to get out but I'm too tough for him, I say, stay down, do you want to mess me up? you want to screw up the works? you want to blow my book sales in Europe? there's a bluebird in my heart that wants to get out but I'm too clever, I only let him out at night sometimes when everybody's asleep. I say, I know that you're there, so don't be sad. then I put him back, but he's singing a little in there, I haven't quite let him die and we sleep together like that with our secret pact and it's nice enough to make a man weep, but I don't weep, do you? 

Bluebird was the first poem by Bukowski that was recommended to me through Reddit. It’s quite a literal depiction of depression with potent imagery to visualise the feeling of having something trapped inside of you which ends up being this battle between the host and the disease. It’s this imagery that really stuck with me, not only in terms of it’s relation to my illness but also purely in it’s use poetically. 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jsc3ItAKSLc

This is an animation piece that helps depict this poem visually that Monika Umba created this for a university project back in 2009. It’s nice to see how people translate written work into visual. With the animation, it definitely suggests hope, the visuals help sell this idea that a front can be put on.

I started reading through the poems in his book The Days Run Away Like Wild Horses Over The Hills and I kept stumbling upon works that resonated with me hugely. The more I read the more i knew I had to include something of Bukowski’s. This got me thinking, as the film is from the perspective of one man and the three states he experiences, why wouldn’t the poetry be another one persons perspective of depression too? This worked out well on both counts because I had not had much success finding long enough poetry / poetry that reflected the different states from the other writers. As I said with Dunn’s stuff, it was all a little too bleak and hopeless for the ideas I wanted to show. On the contrary, Bukowski seamed to write about every aspect of the illness from the moments of victory to the absolute lows of wanting not to exist. 

After a few days reading over and back over the 12/13 poems that made my short list, I finally settled on 6 to go forward. I chose 6 so that each perspective has 2 options. This allows me some room for change depending on the reading and how they fit visually. Maybe one poem will work better when read in conjunction with the film than the other. 

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Casting Call Pro

One of my goals for this project was to move up in terms of production value and to hire a professional/ semi professional actor rather than relying on non experienced friends. This was to hopefully help convoy the message that I want with more success. Especially as my project is going to be a little more figurative and abstract, a convincing depiction is necessary to help sell the idea of the different perspectives.

I asked my friend - who is currently in his final year at UCLAN doing film production - early on if he could point me in the right direction to finding actors or if he knew any himself that he could get me in contact with. He told me about CastingCallPro which is a website dedicated to advertising and finding jobs within the visual media spectrum. They have different sites dedicated to all different preffesions such as dance, music, child actors and more. Their most used service was the normal acting job board. 

This is a screenshot of the advert I put out. CastingCallPro allows you to advertise “free” jobs as long as you grant the actor free use of the final product for showreels. I offered this and to certify my promise, I signed up and got myself the certificates to protect actors. This helps both sides in an agreement to honour the terms of service and fair use of content. 

After a week or so of having the advert up, These were the 8 men that had applied I had a quick look through their biographies and cover letters and was able to quickly mark which ones were appropriate or not for future reference. I was looking primarily for the shape of the actors face, I wanted someone with a little bit of an interesting face, so to speak. Some interesting feature. This was a nod to one of my favourite portrait photographers, Adrzej Dragan who often works with disfigured and anorexic actors but somehow creates beautifully eerie pictures. I also looked at any show reels that they had linked and I also looked at the general information in conjunction with cover letter. Anyone who lived further away needed more consideration due to the fact I was paying for travel expenses. For example, Julian had a very impressive CV with rolls for commercials for the likes of Carlsberg, HSBC and Microsoft but he lives in London and most of his work seems to be more comedy orientated. He just didn’t feel like he would be the perfect actor for the job.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8QNAU7uf69Q

Julians commercial show reel.  

After a lot of thought and comparing headshots, showreels and CV’s I settled on Stuart Crowther. A Manchester based actor who expressed great interest in his cover letter about the roll with having personal experience of his own with the subject matter. What else drew me to Steward was his face and especially the eyes. His eyes are very expressive to me and are a great shape and colour for lighting and filming, in my opinion. This is exactly what I was looking for, an every day looking guy but with a defining feature about him, something a that invites the audience to look closely at him. 

Stewart has done considerably more theatre style work which is good in my opinion for being able to convey emotion within himself rather than relying solely on other aspects that film offers. For theatre the actors don’t have the luxury off being able to cut to a close up for dramatic/ emotional moments so they have to create that drama with their body and with their voices. This gives me confidence on being able to subtly introduce emotion even in the reserved video portrait idea that I have. In terms of voice, I had heard a couple of audio clips of readings that Stewart has done too, so knowing this gives me confidence in his ability to read the poetry that I set out. The show reel contained a This is England styled reading and a reading of The Gruffalo which are two very different styles. What I could see though is the ability to change his intonation and delivery to suit and to create character out of the voice alone. 

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Developing Lighting

After watching Beyond The Black Rainbow, I wanted to test out ideas of creative and colourful lighting. My professional practice is filming live sessions for bands, music videos and promotional material for bands and our latest project was to film a live session in Huddersfield for a band called Classically Handsome Brutes. Their songs are very heavy and erratic which lends itself to a darker tone coupled with the brand image, this project suits this style of lighting seen in BTBR.

This was one of the songs we did earlier in the day. This song is off of their past EP called Prolegomenon. This artwork from the EP is green which is why I chose this colour in the first place. I also decided to back light the guys with a warmer light tone from a second light to give dimension to the image and also to cheer up the image a little bit. The song is one of their most well known songs and is their ‘catchy single’ kind of song so I wanted to mirror this happy party vibe a little with this warm tone. For the drummer you can see in the images above, I had an LED light panel from the Huddersfield university store which I gelled green which was placed high up on camera left which was acting as a rim light catching the outline of the body and the kit. This was set to about 75% output as so not to blow out the light too much and balance out the tones with the other lights that I could not control the output of. I then gelled a LED light baton (4ft in length) with 1/2 CTO gels to turn the daylight colour temperature to that closer to a tungsten light source. This introduced some warmth and bounced light back into the other side of the drummer and kit. I still wasn’t entirely happy with the amount of light falling on the face of the drummer so I rented out a small flexible LED light that I clamped to the kit angling up at about 1/3 power to just further fill out the darker side of the face on camera right. This caught the sweat and helped minimise any shadows from the mic stands etc. This was just a daylight balanced light which again, gave more depth. 

This is a screen shot from one of the later takes in the day for their song Baron Von Sharon. This song is a lot heavier and moody so I decided to go for a very hard and very pure red lighting idea similar to that in the medium close ups in BTBR. For the guitarist and bassist I had a very similar light set up for both songs. But for this one example above, I had my daylight balanced soft boxes on the left in front of the guitarist, low down pointing up and gelled red. I used my soft boxes low down to have a soft light that would wrap around nicely giving a gradient up the body. I also had an LED panel on the right of the guitarist behind him. These Amran LED panels have colour changing bulbs from incandescent up to tungsten so I set the kelvin to around 3200K to introduce just a little warmth and to give a halo light effect. For the bassist, I had a similar set up but with two of the Amran panels, one with diffusion gel as well as the red. 

I love how these videos turned out, the examples above are screen shots from the raw files and you can already see beautiful colour and tonality. I only wish I had more lights for this project, to further fill in the band and the shadows. In an ideal world, I would like to have set up large soft boxes above the band on a low output. This would have meant I could have gotten a cleaner image with less muddy mid-tones. But I still think it works very well especially for the music. 

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Visual Reference - Beyond The Black Rainbow

Beyond The Black Rainbow is the debut film written and directed by Panos Cosmatos in 2010. It’s a 1960′s throwback sci-fi/ horror film that sees the escape of a young woman from a medical research commune. The film itself is set in the 1960′s where a lot of drug testing happened, in part due to American President Richard Nixon’s testing of it for supposed correlation to anti-war movements. 

The woman - Elena - played by Eva Bourne, appears to be a mutant of sorts, bred specifically for testing the drugs of the psychiatrist (Michael Rogers as Barry Nyle) up on. Most of the film follows this narrative in which we see conversations and studies between the two spliced with more abstract scenes. The interviews allow us to gain an understanding of the plot in present day and we start to figure out that the psychiatrist is testing on the young girl. This is mirrored with flashbacks and more abstract scenes that give hints as to the history of the psychiatrist and the girl. These scenes are usually free from dialogue (in contrast to the interviews) and include pulsating dark synth music and reference religion, spirituality and drug trips. 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ozIuALM7wYk

This retro-futurist world is one of the major factors to the films visual success. Most of the film is set in a minimalist research centre. These set’s were built from the ground up in a soundstage and look exactly like you imagine the 1960′s vision of the future was. Large expanses of white paneling and modular architecture, with ‘touch sensitive’ brightly coloured interfaces and abstract lighting colours. This is the next big thing, and what attracted me most, about the films visual look. The colour and the lighting. Huge time in pre-production was dedicated to finding this look. The director wanted to honour this throwback feel to the film and strived for a very analogue production. So the film was all shot on 35mm film which in itself provides a beautiful, grainy aesthetic that nods to this more archaic form of film production. But most impressively, all of the lighting changes and colour changes were done in camera in real time. This means that changing environment’s and the films more ‘trippy’ lighting effects were all done manually from a lighting board on set. This was so power hungry that the lights in the offices and hallways in the building had to be turned off so they could draw enough power to light the set. This is not only a very noble endeavor but it yields fantastic results, but the lights get this juxtaposition between being humanist and natural and being very synthetic at the same time. 

As we can see from these shots, the lighting style is very abstract, it’s not trying to emulate real life or natural lighting but instead embraces the otherworldly aspect of colour in film. This helps firstly in creating a very oppressive and terrifying visual element (some of the crew even talk about the fact that they often felt very nauseated after being on set surrounded by nothing but red lights for long periods of time) to mirror that of the female characters situation. But it also suggests the way in which the drugs and mind control systems that are in place effect Elena. The exclusion of natural lighting creates this sense of time not existing, you don’t know if its day or night, and as an extension, you don’t even know if it is set in this world. We then see more colder elements towards the end of the film when Elena is building strength to escape, this colour change shows this change in mind and due to it’s brighter look, suggests hope. 

Camera work in general within this film is quite interesting. The camera movement is always very slow and fluid. Theres a devoid of human interaction evident from the shots and feels (like the set design and lighting) very synthetic. This is interesting to think about when the film as a whole feels very analogue and very tangible, almost a documentary of this other world. Another way in which this disjuncture is made is through the director’s decision not to shoot coverage (shooting dialogue for example with over the shoulder, mid shot and wide shots to cut to in the edit) which means that we are very much placed within the film, we don’t get any room to breath from the characters through wide shots and establishing shots. This root’s the audience in the action and makes them feel a closer affinity to the characters situations. 

With depression, there’s often a feeling similar to being on drugs. You loose your sense of yourself and time seams to be warped, even no existent. I wanted to create very colour filled images and this translates very well visually to this idea. The very fact that even the production team ended up being effected by this heavy use of colour is testament to the effectiveness of colour theory and how it can translate mood in film. Oppression is exactly what depression is and is exactly what this lighting style does.