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spoiledsummerdasies · 1 month ago

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Breaking down bullying

As a victim of childhood bullying, I spent a lot of my teenage years trying to understand why. Why me? Why was I being targeted? Why do people act so cruel? And now as an adult processing the trauma, and with hindsight and years of research, here’s what I’ve found.

NOTE: I’m obviously not a professional. This is just things I’ve observed as a victim, found to be commonly agreed on in studies on bullying, and things my therapist has told me.

A list of traits found in bullies to lookout for:

Big ego, believing they are better than others.

Attention seeking behaviour.

Easily angered or offended.

Need for control and power.

Desire for praise and popularity.

Deflection of their behaviours.

Discriminatory views and opinions.

Victim complex, when they’re punished or called out on their bad behaviour, they feel it’s a personal attack on them.

Stepping on others to prop themselves up.

Those most likely to be a victim of bullying:

Those part of a marginalised group (queer, poc etc).

Visibly disabled/ mentally ill/ neurodivergent people.

Those who struggle with social interactions and cues.

The youngest person in a group of people (often get infantilised when in a toxic environment)

People who struggle with academics/get bad grades/ are seen as unintelligent.

Those who dress, express themselves, hold ideals that go against the social norms/ trends.

Those who are and are seen as seen as poor/impoverished.

Those who don’t fit the current beauty standards or are seen as conventionally unattractive.

Those who struggle with weight (both over and under).

Those with unconventional, odd or otherwise seen as ‘weird’ interests, mannerisms and habits.

Why do people bully?

There’s no one answer, there’s several reasons why someone can fall into a harmful pattern of behaviour. Most commonly:

Learned behaviour. Typically in children/school bullying. If the bully has observed those patterns of behaviour in parents, family and other kids around them, they will learn that behaviour is ‘normal’ and ‘correct’. This can be combated with proper anti bullying education and adequate discipline to deter said behaviours. Although it is harder to undo this behaviour and mindset the longer the person has had it. Catching it early, like in the school years, is critical to help the person break the behaviour and understand why it’s harmful.

Social pressure. Also common in children/teens in school. People can feel compelled to join in/ go along with bullying to avoid becoming the next victim or be seen as ‘one of the cool kids’. Can also be a result of toxic friendships/ relationships where the bully manipulates the person into believing their behaviour is ok, and that they should do this too. Typically seen in cliques and friend groups where the dominant one of the group has ‘followers’ that go along with everything they do.

Lashing out. People who are experiencing abuse (of any kind, from those closest to them) can sometimes develop the trauma response to lash out at those around them. Whether it be as a defence mechanism or because of a mental illness caused by said trauma, they learn that hurting others will either push them away before they themselves can get hurt, or to seem tougher and stronger than they actually are as a defence mechanism. While this is of course, a horrible situation to be in, and these people deserve help out of and understanding of their situation, it still doesn’t excuse their behaviour and the trauma they caused others.

Mental illness. Now remember, just because someone is mentally ill doesn’t automatically make them a bully or abuser. But sometimes a person’s symptoms can cause them to have explosive emotions, controlling behaviours or abnormally high egos. This can be treated, these people CAN heal, get help, learn to cope with and control their more harmful symptoms. When a mentally ill bully is struggling with accepting their own diagnosis and symptoms, it can also cause them to lash out at others with similar symptoms or diagnoses. This usually stems from internalised abelism.

Abnormally high egos. Most associate having a massive ego with varying disorders, but that is not always the case. Some are raised being highly praised/ coddled/ told they can do no wrong. This makes them feel they’re better than those around them, and can cause them to put those people down to further prop themselves up. This type of bullying is usually the kind where insults about people’s looks, skills, financial status etc are thrown.

Cyber bullying

While the reasons behind the bullying will be the same as above, the methods are different, but just as harmful. Because of the anonymous nature of the internet, and lack of available consequences bullies are often more comfortable and confident in being particularly cruel. Methods of cyber bullying include:

Using comment sections, private messages, tagging, video response etc to throw insults, false accusations and rumours, mock and belittle the victim.

Making alternate accounts to evade being blocked and continue to watch the victims internet activity

Using anonymous accounts to send harassment, treats, insults etc.

Stalking the victims accounts.

Screenshotting or sending the victims posts to others to talk about them behind their backs.

Editing peoples pictures with malicious imagery and intent.

Making false screenshots to make the victim look bad.

The effects of bullying:

Yes, bullying can genuinely be extremely detrimental to the victim’s mental health and well-being. Bullying genuinely causes trauma and long lasting effects on the victims psyche and life. Some effects include:

Depression and anxiety

PTSD

Body image and self esteem issues

Low self worth

Suicidal ideation

Self harm

Lack of motivation and appetite

Panic attacks

Fear of particular environments (schools, workplaces, big crowds etc)

Disassociation

Repeating the cycle of abuse

Development of mental illness such as EDs and trauma disorders

Self isolation

Trust issues

Been forced back into the closet

Being forced to mask symptoms of a disability

Internalised racism, queerphobia, misogyny/misandry, abelism etc.

Physical injuries (in the case of physical bullying such as getting into fights)

How to combat bullying

Now it is much easier said than done, but it needs to be done. No one should EVER ignore bullying and the effects it causes. Even if schools are shit at combating it, as are workplaces etc, even just trying will send the message that this behaviour is not ok. Some ways to combat bullying include:

Start young. Educate children on the dangers and consequences of bullying. Teach and encourage kindness, understanding, empathy and how to stand up for themselves and others. Redirect harmful behaviour they may pick up and teach them why it’s bad. Hand out appropriate consequences to deter them from doing it again and to teach them it’s bad.

Have appropriate mental health support. Since some bullies do it because of their own internalised issues, having a safe place for them to deconstruct them and work through them will help them change their ways and understand why and how their actions hurt people. Check in on your friends and family regularly, offer them help if you’re able, or direct them towards help.

Appropriate consequences. If a student, employee, member of a group etc is actively harming others around them, they need to learn they can’t be doing that shit. Whether it be a reprimand, demotions, being let go entirely etc. a bully needs to learn they will not get away with harming others. Don’t just do it with zero explanation though, last thing we want is them developing a victim mentality for facing consequences of their own actions. Throughly explain to them why this is happening to them, detail every action they took that lead up to this. Warn them thoroughly that if they don’t stop, they’ll face consequences etc.

Don’t be a bystander. For the love of god, if you see bullying, POINT IT OUT. TELL SOMEONE. The bystander effect is very real and makes things so much worse. While it can be scary to stand up, in fear of being the next victim yourself, the bully NEEDS to be called out or their behaviour will only get worse as they see they can keep getting away with it.

Encourage kindness, empathy and understanding of differences. Combat bigotry, teach people respect. Start young, don’t stop as they get older. Even adults who’ve been stuck in bigoted ideals for years can change. Never ever stop fighting for a kinder world, understanding of other’s differences, encouraging empathy and respect.

In the case of cyber bullying, when blocking and reporting isn’t enough to deter them making accounts private and having accounts that aren’t connected to your personal life can temporarily put distance between you and the bully. But you should screenshot and record everything you can, collect the evidence in case you need to present it to a teacher, parent, boss etc to report them irl.

In very extreme cases where physical violence, stalking and long term harassment is occurring, document everything you can and take legal action. While it is definitely very difficult to get justice in a lot of bullying cases because of the way laws around abuse are structured, having a report on record will at least help in the long run. And having evidence will help you in combating them. In general, if you’re being bullied to any degree, documenting the incidents as best you can keep the timeline of events clear and validate your experiences rather than having to reply on a he-said-she-said.

Reach out to others. Tell a friend or family member, a therapist, someone trusted. Even if it’s just to vent or talk out your feelings about the situation. But it’s even better if telling someone with the authority to step in results in consequences for the bully. Also, if you see someone being bullied, reach out to them with support. Building a support system is important for a victims well-being.

And that is my breakdown on bullying.

I’m sure some of this seemed obvious or said to death in those school anti bullying PSAs, but they are important to reiterate. Especially with the extremely rabid rise of cyber bullying in the past decades, and how it’s affected bullying tactics and the psychology of a bully. Bullying irl nowadays is usually very subtle and preys on the victim not understanding certain social cues, backhanded comments disguised as ‘compliments’ and the rapid rise of cringe culture and bigotry in young people. Comment sections are absolutely vile, schools have become extremely hostile environments, lack of consequences, accountability and education as well as the anonymous nature of the internet have turned bullying into a massive, untreated issue. Bullying has always been present, and has always been bad. But in recent years it’s really skyrocket in severity, subtlety and the behaviour has become so normalised. People NEED to start speaking up, calling it out, handing out appropriate consequences, providing appropriate support and education people on the psychology behind bullying and the effects of being bullied.

#some of y’all really need to read up on bullying

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