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[spookybrains]

m & i broke up after a long month of sensing something being Off, of patiently waiting for my opportunity to be shown what was being held back.. which ofc turned into making up my own nonsense answers as an anticipatory way to cope with the inevitable other shoe drop: lightly filling in the blanks my nearly nonexistent partner left with negative self talk and projections from my past, convincing myself this person isn’t fulfilling me as a partner because this must not be what they want in a relationship, or we simply aren’t a good match, do we even have chemistry, was this proof, just something anything thoughts and scenarios to cling to in the dark depth of all the space we didn’t see each other, which was most of it, but. it is humbling and heartbreaking at the same time to be so wrong. so far off. another godtest reminder to never take things personally, to shed ego whenever possible. another godtest reminder that mental health / taking care of your mortal tamagodchi honestly, with transparency and shameless tenderness, must be first priority above all else. there is no other way. it will always come back to this. and to see the pain coming out of this tiny gay angel i’ve been developing a connection with for months and months was.. a very emotional heavy sad experience. there was no blame, no hard feelings, no skirting of accountability, only tender understanding, apologies with instant forgiveness, and the release of the clenched fist of frustration. yet little sense of reunion, only genuine reassurance that they too were one foot in the lovegrave with me, that they too truly wanted to this to work, so badly, for this to be healthy and deserved for and to both of us. but the dangerously unstable low point they had been at reached the climax for them (triggering but i am strong, now, and this did not offset me - though they did acknowledge and i appreciate their foresight of not wanting to share this because of the nature of my abuse history) and thankfully became too much to keep hiding from everyone, because we all know how avoidance and hoping things (especially mania leading to suicide attempts) will work themselves out goes. quite too fucking relatabley poor. and so does stubbornly trying to force a partnership when one if not both humans need to be focusing on their stability first and foremost. i feel both so fucking proud of them for opening up to me and giving full clarity and context (and of course i agree with and understand the necessity of parting) yet still i find myself a bit selfishly heartbroken for the full distance instead of half distance i will feel from this person i deeply care about. it’s absolutely for the best and ultimately miss god had to remind me i am not the underdog hero who saves the prince/ss - i am the underdog hero who saves my own prince/ss, and that they too are this. despite my therapy dog tendencies to want to help & hug & hold hurting loved ones, that cannot be the distraction method i choose to not focus on my own zelda. learning lessons, growing pains, tough love. i’ll be okay because i always am, i’m the best me now i ever have been and hopefully with their own resilience plus every mental prayer spell + warm thought i have of them, they will be too. ow.

[spookybrains]

letter to Francesca Lia Block

this week i have, despite my deepest yearning to never feel this way again, found myself drowning in heartbreak; this time a deep soul shaking kind of mourning, for a love that has swallowed me whole, spit me back out, and swallowed me back up again / a love that has left my body tired (from carrying this big big battered heart, swollen with adrenaline) weak (from the neglect i have shown this growling monster in my belly) and wow how my muscles ache in that cliché way that only her damn hands could soothe. to exist is to be exhausted. floating between the realms of my bathtub and my bed, trying to stay submerged in water or in slumber - searching for numbness, for ignorance, for freedom from the addiction.. they never really tell you that, do they? that you can get addicted to a person. addicted to the way their nose crinkles when they truly laugh. addicted to the way they can make you feel both the happiest you’ve ever felt / floating up above the ground in the cartoon sky-blue clouds, head in a fishbowl of warm jello, happy and safe / and the worst you’ve ever felt / curled in the fetal position sobbing, begging for this argument to be over, eardrum pounding confusion at where the love went ? and why does mine never leave ? is it supposed to ?, scared and betrayed / a rollercoaster kind of love that leaves you whiplashed and nauseous. (“love you so much it makes me sick” kurt cobain sings) oh and the longing. the cruel impossible longing for the ability to love the demons out of someone. to just love them so hard and so stubbornly that it obliterates the trauma clouding their brain, that desperate longing to be the light that scares away their darkness, to be the megaphone of love that shouts louder than the voice in the back of their head, the enemy voice that convinces them they are unlovable and to trust no one, to fear those who dare prove otherwise. and how do you begin to heal? how do you mourn the memories without letting them crush you? how do you preserve the happy thoughts that once saved you from your own bad ones without also preserving the thoughts that double you over in pain? how do you forgive yourself for ignoring the red flags, for ignoring your own intuition, for not asking for help to carry this weight sooner? how do you forgive yourself for waiting until it was too late, until you became the villain in the mind of the one you were trying to save? how do you forgive the universe for giving you true love when true love wasn’t ready to love you back? how do you forgive them for not confronting the demons that they alone must overcome? how do you begin to heal? today i was informed that it was your birthday. you, who has given me the answer long before i even knew what the question was. you, who speaks the same poetry love magic language that makes me and countless thousands of other moonchildren feel less alone in this world. so this is it. this is how. we must write it down write it up write it out until the heartbreak is on the paper and we can look it right in the face and challenge it. of course. of course this is the answer. so thank you. thank you a million glittering bouquets for giving us heartbroken fairies the key to mending broken wings. thank you for sharing your pain, your love, your dreams, and your healing with us all and inspiring us to do the same. thank you for reading this or for not reading it. “the art of creating is always more important than the result” - thank you. happy birthday goddess