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Maybe I’m naive but I just can’t comprehend how distrustful people are. It feels like so many people are just waiting to say “gotcha” to someone. Waiting to catch someone trying to screw them over. It’s like there’s this inherent hatred and fear and honestly maybe a lot of people aren’t good but it seems so utterly exhausting to imagine living my life always assuming the worst and waiting to be proven right. If you look for those things so hard, you’ll find them. And that will just further reinforce the distrust of the world. I’d rather be naive and only try to be aware of the potential of real threats rather than just the threat of being screwed over. People are selfish and self serving, I know that. Why do I need to fight all the time to prove it? What does that give someone? Pride of knowing they caught someone? But the mental cost just seems too high for that pride. I don’t know. The world is cruel, but I’d rather live my life acting like it’s not… the alternative just seems too miserable. Maybe that makes me stupid and an easy target… but at least I can still find joy instead of just wait to be hurt that way.

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Ok but why have I been sad since the night of the 25th?

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V for Vendetta (2005) dir. James McTeigue

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I feel like I’m evaporating. My idle hours wear away into nothing and although time has passed I couldn’t tell you what I’ve done. It’s not that I don’t remember, it’s just that it’s insignificant. I sit. I read. I stare at my phone. I have no hobbies. I try to do things and immediately lose interest and revert to scrolling. I don’t talk much anymore, mostly because I don’t feel I have anything to talk about. I feel hollow. I’m not sad, but I feel unmoored and impermanent and like my existence is barely a blip on the radar.

What do I contribute other than cooking, going grocery shopping, going to work, and sitting? Sitting. Sitting. Sitting. My body hurts but I’m unwilling to move. The books are all the same and I’m bored of those. I don’t really have an interest in video games although I’ve tried. I can’t draw and don’t have the patience to color. I wish I had the drive to exercise but the thought of going to the gym, or even working out in the living room makes me sad and nervous.

I exist, but don’t feel alive, and yet I’m still terrified of the impermanence of life. I don’t know what to do. I want to believe I have a purpose. I want to be excited to be alive and be grateful for existing, but I don’t know why I’m here. I’m not depressed, I’m really not, but I just don’t feel valuable or intentional.

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Someone keeps trying to log in to my old twitter account and like… bruh what will you possibly gain from that? All I did was fangirl and be emo like PLEASE find a hobby

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Let yourself rest when you need rest.🩵

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when the SPN episode sums up a core SPN viewing experience

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I was watching a stream of a small waterhole in the namib desert. a warthog showed up started bathing in the waterhole and turning the drinkable water into mud. this INFURIATED chat. everyone was pissed on behalf of the oryxes. the power of technology is incredible

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I feel so lonely so often, like I have nobody I actually connect with. It’s like I’m on a wavelength that nobody else is on, and wherever all of the others are is somewhere can never reach. I’m not interested in most things that the people in my life are interested in, but also… it feels like I just have no interests. I feel like I’m a void instead of a person, so no wonder I always feel alone- voids after all, are just hollow circles of nothingness absorbing everything and giving nothing in return

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Being kind isn't actually about how much shit you can quietly take. You can be kind and still shut down people who attempt to use and manipulate you. Kindness is about treating others well whenever you can, not about how much you're willing to suffer for others. So don't confuse being kind with being a victim and a pushover. No one with your best interests at heart will claim that it's the same thing.

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about twice a year my partner will want to use my toothbrush and then get disgruntled when i call him a vile beast.

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ngl thicc heather is .lowkey sexy af

Thanks, I think lol… I kinda hate myself at present so at least someone doesn’t. But I am wondering where I’ve posted myself lately that shows my body enough to see thicc-ness since my confidence is 📉 and I don’t think I’ve shared photos in a while o.o hah