spring-time-meadow

[spring-time-meadow]

My chest is heaving.

I look at the photos and weep, its now like looking at a stanger.

I hope you come home, but I know when I need you most you will not come. You will remain far far away.

And as I bathe with my pail of grief and sponge its contents all over me, washing away the oily dirt on my skin.

To get rid of the dried vitae.

You will think the clawing marks on my body are in some way to make me feel alive, of vengeance towards you and myself. But it is purely delivered by empty, hungry lungs, on the long exhale as I cannot breathe.

It makes me actually inhale, as the shock of pain and the blood trails finally make manifest the turmoil I feel within my heart.

I miss you, I love you.

My most wicked part of me, will accept you back into my arms without a blink of an eye.

[spring-time-meadow]

I begged to be told I would be kissed

I begged to be told I would be kissed

I begged to be told I would be kissed

I begged to be told I would be kissed

I begged to be told I would be kissed

I begged to be told I would be kissed

I begged to be told I would be kissed

I begged to be told I would be kissed

I begged to be told I would be kissed

I begged to be told I would be kissed

I begged to be told I would be kissed

I begged to be told I would be kissed

I had to stake the soul of my dog to get that.

What will I have to stake to then be kissed in the first place?

[spring-time-meadow]

You forgot to say morning to me. I didn’t even know you weren’t warm in your bed but half way across the city. But I knew the latter part was just life. Morning was the glass in my lungs.

I feel last on your to do list. Something easily sacrificed.

Yes, it is just a word.

It is just a sentence to say I love you, I am off to see the city.

But morning was the last piece that reminded me of all the love and care I once felt.

Where did it all go?

Did it go and join the dodo? All alone and scared. At least it has your love for me as company.

[spring-time-meadow]

You haunt me. In your silence. In your uncaring glares and glazed over eyes.

I wait for hours waiting for you to say a single word in our chat rooms, and celebrate it as if victory has been achieved. I used to wait for your good mornings to start my day. I used to wait for you to be excited for my soups and cooking.

Is this how people die? They slip away from your hands. And they disappear like they were wisp of smoke? I knew you. I knew you once. I kiss a stranger that doesn’t want me touching her lips.

[spring-time-meadow]

I hoped to be wanted. Then I hoped to be touched more, held, comforted, kissed, and lastly. Talked to.

Have I done something so bad to deserve this?

You say you love me and that nothing has changed. When I look at past photos and remember your smiles I feel like I walk beside the shell that loved me. Or at least showed that it loved me.

I feel you are using me. I hope you show me love. I don’t think i deserve to be strung along without any love. Russel would have wanted better for me…

[spring-time-meadow]

I dream of you giving me comfort. I dream of you telling me the world hasn’t ended. I dream of you saying you love me so much it hurts whilst you hug me like a mountain cat

[spring-time-meadow]

We are not going to just make it.

We are not going to just survive.

We are going to live.

[spring-time-meadow]

I hope there comes a day where you have healed and I no longer long for a future I think impossible.

I hope the horrible comes to pass, I hope days comes where you don’t remark on our mere survival as husband and wife but stand proud of what we have become.

I hope to no longer imagine your touch.

[spring-time-meadow]

I love you. Though I no longer try and look up, and I slog through the days, I am excited to one day see the stars with you. My love

[spring-time-meadow]

I hope you can come home from work and just rush to our bed and just rub your face on our pillows and nap.

And you’d wake up the smell of dinner as I finish cooking your tofu, and get your soup bowl ready with your princess spoon.

And you’d come to the table and though dazed and angry I didn’t wake you up before sunset, you look at the table and feel content.

[spring-time-meadow]

You are the holwing wind

You are the thunder

You are the wind in sails

You are natures unreplicatably miracle

[spring-time-meadow]

Do you know everytime we argue, and we leap for the others throat, the farther home feels?

Screw the assigning blame, do you feel our home go a little bit farther in the distance?

I hope we outpace our arguments and make it through the door before we are ripped away from it.

I hope we can at least see the hearth, and our quilts.

I love you.

[spring-time-meadow]

With weary limbs I carry you. Why is it so easy want to die for someone? Why it so hard to hard to simply live for that dream?

It is because we dream for that final rest. To know it is finished finally. That the hardship is over.

I move with unsteady legs, with shaking arms, and red eyes.

But I love nonetheless.

Because the stars tattooed on my collar meant a promise that went both ways. That if I live long enough, to when I can finally gaze at the stars in pure wonder and without worry, the stars have to make sure they are still there.

[spring-time-meadow]

I want to be touched and felt and wanted. But that is put aside. Because you need to remember that when the sun goes down there is still some light in the world. Light in the candles we put by our bedstand. Light provided by the oven baking your vegetables and cooking our stew. And light shining from the smiles we share.

I love you and Mousestep I hope you can learn to enjoy the world. To sleep under the waxing moon and have good dreams.

I love you, forever and ever.

[spring-time-meadow]

You take off your shoes and socks when we rest on the grass

Your dress flows all around you, theres a small breeze and whilst it picks up around you, you feel safe. It is just us. And you smile and I kiss you and kiss you while youre on your back.

You smile.

You haven’t smiled like this in a long time.

My beloved

[spring-time-meadow]

Oh baby, I want to spend my eternity with you and spend a couple centuries talking to you on a small bench. Hearing you is the most beautiful sound on earth.

Every little snore you have a lullaby, every touch an embrace.

Please let forever be forever

[spring-time-meadow]

I hope things get better.

I lie down in bed after those long days and close my eyes and try and imagine that better future.

I’m so tired of waiting for life to catch up.

The pace slows and slows, and I have been told to wait, for skys to brighten, for the important mending of trees after the storm but everything tastes bitter.

I don’t know how things will turn out. But i will wait with you. Even if we grow old enough to see the oceans dry and the sand turn to glass. I will be with you. To the death.