squid-ler

[squid-ler]

You’re the one that brought a ladle to a gun fight, Porgaj. The only one in shackles will be you. Gods, I hope that little Halfling bitch has a handsome enough allowance to afford you.

[He sets his blaster to stun and aims down the sights.]

Now hold still.

squid-ler‌:

All that matters is I’m here, you’re here, and I’m in need of some quick cash. Tell me, Urmael–

[Iamiria swings the blaster off his back and cocks it threatening, though his face is all smiles.]

–How much do you think a Tikkan prince would sell to a Ssarrhan Heir?

[Urmael hisses angrily, holding up the soup ladle.] 

Not as much as a Tikkan traitor to the Ssarrhan Queen. I would love to see you bound in shackles and forced to kiss her feet, you scum.

[squid-ler]

All that matters is I’m here, you’re here, and I’m in need of some quick cash. Tell me, Urmael--

[Iamiria swings the blaster off his back and cocks it threatening, though his face is all smiles.]

--How much do you think a Tikkan prince would sell to a Ssarrhan Heir?

squid-ler‌:

[Squid–Iamiria, really–glances over his shoulder, and oh. Oh Fimaeus, is that Porgaj Urmael…?]

[Lucky day.]

[A slimy grin creeps over his lips as he turns around and folds his arms behind him. He looks, for all the world, completely non-threatening, though he’s actually reaching for the blaster strapped to his back.]

Ah, if it isn’t the little prince. It’s been too long.

[The half of the shrimp that had been hanging out of Urmael’s mouth drops to the floor as he glares at Iamairia.]

YOU. 

[And here he is without a fucking weapon. Fimaeus forsake him.]

[He reaches behind him and grabs the first thing his fingers touch, which happens to be a soup ladle. He holds it up menacingly.] 

What the ever shitting FUCK are you doing here?

[squid-ler]

[Squid--Iamiria, really--glances over his shoulder, and oh. Oh Fimaeus, is that Porgaj Urmael...?]

[Lucky day.]

[A slimy grin creeps over his lips as he turns around and folds his arms behind him. He looks, for all the world, completely non-threatening, though he’s actually reaching for the blaster strapped to his back.]

Ah, if it isn’t the little prince. It’s been too long.

[Contrary to all his blather, Urmael still hasn’t left earth. He’s been merely hanging around, fiddling with Earth inventions to create some pretty wicked Tikkan shit. Homeworld is gonna be so pleased with Urmael’s work that maybe they’ll promote him!]

[He’s expecting another package from Amazon, so today he goes upstairs, slime squelching from his feet as he opens the door and runs a few slimy tentafingers through his hair. He goes to the refrigerator, rummaging through the container of wriggling shrimp and grabbing a fist full of the sea creatures before shoving them into his mouth.] 

[Urmael’s getting used to the fact that he’s just. alive now. According to Tikkan aging, he should have been released from duty over a year ago so he could die in peace. But then he didn’t die. Which is weird. But considering the fact that his babysitting charge hasn’t died either makes him wonder if there’s something about Earth that’s fucking with their biological state.]

[He’s pondering all of this when he hears footsteps behind him. He shoves one more wriggling shrimp into his mouth before shutting the door to the fridge and wiping his mouth on the back of his slimy hand.] 

Squid, we need more of those delightful little bottom feeders that humans call “shrimp”. We’re just about out.

[Then he turns around.]

[squid-ler]

The air here is so fucking disgusting I might actually vomit.

[squid-ler]

m!a: time for your daily dose of negasquid

Ah.

[POOF!!]

[squid-ler]

Oh damn dude, what a bummer! I know you loved death and shit

Ah, it’s “all good,” friend! Immortality has perks!

[squid-ler]

Holy shit squiddo, I can't believe you're still alive. I thought this sleep might've been the big one, you know?

I have come to terms with my immortality.

[squid-ler]

What if you got arrested for murder?

I would be deported to Japan, where I would escape to the sea.

[squid-ler]

Would you ever keep trophies from your victims?

I would probably eat them.

[squid-ler]

What would you say is the best way to kill a man?

Gut him like a fish.

[squid-ler]

Would you rather die, or kill someone?

Oh, I’d much rather kill someone. さよなら !

[squid-ler]

Not at all.

[slides the photo back into his purse]

But that’s what mermaids look like, so there is quite a bit of speculation as to your actual species, currently...

squid-ler

A “merdude?” Oh, that can’t be. Mermaids look like this.

[From his purse, he produces a picture, which he just happens to be carrying, of a Fiji Mermaid.]

I don’t know much about what can and can’t be. I just know what I is for right now. And right now that’s a merdude.

[He leans over to check out the photo.]

That, uh… That your… giiiirl? She’s…. cute?

[squid-ler]

What? Oh, no, I do not have a ‘girl.’ This is, in fact, a godless monstrosity.

squid-ler

A “merdude?” Oh, that can’t be. Mermaids look like this.

[From his purse, he produces a picture, which he just happens to be carrying, of a Fiji Mermaid.]

I don’t know much about what can and can’t be. I just know what I is for right now. And right now that’s a merdude.

[He leans over to check out the photo.]

That, uh… That your… giiiirl? She’s…. cute?

[squid-ler]

Friends, Romans, countrymen, lend me your ears! I come… bearing gifts!

[Squid walks up to you (yes, you, personally) and delicately places a seashell in your hands.]

No need to thank me. I am quite generous, I know.

[squid-ler]

A “merdude?” Oh, that can’t be. Mermaids look like this.

[From his purse, he produces a picture, which he just happens to be carrying, of a Fiji Mermaid.]

@fuckboyler replied to your post: Friends, Romans, countrymen, lend me your ears! I…

Dope.

You are quite welcome, Frickboy.

[SQUINTS]

Are you… perchance… a mermaid, at the moment? You do not look like the mermaids I am accustomed to.

[squid-ler]

@fuckboyler replied to your post: Friends, Romans, countrymen, lend me your ears! I...

Dope.

You are quite welcome, Frickboy.

[SQUINTS]

Are you... perchance... a mermaid, at the moment? You do not look like the mermaids I am accustomed to.

[squid-ler]

Friends, Romans, countrymen, lend me your ears! I come... bearing gifts!

[Squid walks up to you (yes, you, personally) and delicately places a seashell in your hands.]

No need to thank me. I am quite generous, I know.